Pink Life!

2011-12-09T10:19:00.000-05:00

I was right about you all along. The past 2 years I tried my best to trust you and to ignore my intuition, but now you just proved to me that I was stupid to do that. I should have left you a long time ago and I shouldnt have let myself get sucked back in to a relationship that was nothing but built on empty promises.

I hope she knows that you promised me you would never leave me, that I was your forever, that I was single person you had wanted to spend forever with. I know you would tell her your sob story of how you were abused by me, but you wouldnt tell her what you did that led to that. You will be blinded by your own so called twisted values and principles that even if something is clearly wrong you will make it seem like it was still right, by your values and principles.

I hope she knows that you have left me in false hopes that we can be together again by refusing to say that it is over. That instead you said, lets see how things go after a year, like you did to the girl before me. You're own friends themselves told me they were surprised to learn about me, esp since not long before you started to bring me along with you - all you ever talked about was the girl you were supposedly no longer with before we got together.

You played your role well. And I know you would say the same things to the new one, the same ones you said to me. Things like: I thought about this, I consulted, I asked for guidance, I prayed - I'm all in. I will never break your heart. I will love you forever. And my personal favorite: I don't want to be your first, I want to be your last. You would claim you have never said that to anyone else, or felt that before but in reality you already told this very same lines to someone else.

I was right about you all along. I fought a war against myself trying to defend you because I loved you and in the end you proved to me you werent worth it.

Great Loves.

2011-12-08T19:59:00.002-05:00

What do we really know about great loves? Sex And The City once said that you only have two great loves. But how do we know that is indeed a great love. You see once or twice I claimed that someone was my great love. But now I wonder what I knew of it since I concluded they were my great love when I barely even knew them. When the relationship was at it's happiest, when problems were not existent yet, and everything was all butterflies.

So, did I really know anything about great loves? Or did I just conclude from the idealogy that had always filled my head? It may be the latter. Maybe it is the desire to find that kind of love. That's why I would mindlessly say "You are my great love." Without really knowing what it meant, what it took to be able to say that that was indeed a great love.

I imagine a great love to be that of Carrie and Big, wouldn't you say? After 10 long tumultous years of being lovers and then friends and then somewhere in between, it was still the two of them all along. And just when they were getting married too, Big decided to screw up but STILL in the end it was STILL the both of them all along.

I guess it's suffice to say that alot of times I have no idea what I am saying to someone else or to myself. And I should stop doing that so that I wont be clouding my head with ridiculous thoughts of fairy tales and idealism.

2011-12-01T19:17:00.002-05:00

Tonight I can write the saddest lines
by: Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

2011-12-01T13:08:00.002-05:00

Prince,

I want to say goodbye. Not because I dont love you anymore, or that I don't believe that you will find me but because I need to grow up. I need to stop living like I'm in a fairy tale. Because I am not. But thank you for showing me myself. I will still be here waiting for you.

I will never forget you. Until we meet.

Smile. Someone loves you. Please be happy!!

New Year's Resolution.

2011-11-29T17:19:00.003-05:00

Sometimes you find comfort in the most strangest of ways, in the most strangest of situations and the most strangest people. I can't believe that moving out here in St. John's is all that it took for me to realize that there are far better things for me to do and experience. That to leave something or someone behind may not be the easiest thing to do but may be the best thing to do. In my life I had promised so much to everyone else, except to myself.

In the next year, my resolution is to promise myself that I will take care of myself more. Love myself more. And to put my dreams first more. This is a promise I intend to keep.

And I will not settle for anything less than butterflies. :) And I will begin by loving my life.

2011-11-29T13:18:00.001-05:00

Casanova,

I must admit I'm a little surprised with our new found friendship. But now that I think about it, the truth is that you have always been there for me. Even when I attacked you. I just want to say that I appreciate it. Thank you for seeing me the way you do and for always letting me know that I can still have the best. And that I shouldn't settle for anything less.

I also hope we can continue to be friends as we grow older (and wiser?) and go about our own lives.

I wish you well. I wish you the happiness that you deserve. Again, thank you. Please know that you are much appreciated.

I'll see you soon.

Rica

2011-11-28T20:20:00.001-05:00

Prince!!!

Eeeeeeee!!! I'm excited!!! :)

Smile! Someone loves you! Be happy today!

2011-11-27T19:40:00.002-05:00

Prince,

Im a lil off today. I'm not sure why. I wish you were here to give me a hug. Im sure everything will be ok after. Are you almost at my door, my Prince?

I miss you. I love you!

Smile! Be happy today!

2011-11-26T21:23:00.002-05:00

Prince,

Rainy days are like new beginnings. It washes away all the remainders of yesterday's mess and let's you start over a clean slate.

It washes away the tears in your heart and a rainbow promises a bright day ahead.

You're my rainbow. A promise of hope and new beginnings.

Smile! Someone loves you! Be happy today!

2011-11-25T22:16:00.001-05:00

To my Prince,

There's still snow on the ground. But it wasnt as pristine and pure as it had seemed yesterday. On my way to the mall a guy in a truck splashed me with some muddy snow. And for a few hours my legs were really cold.

You know, I never felt so free in my life. I never felt so light inside. It didn't feel like I had anything weighing me down. I can finally be my carefree self and not worry about anything. I can finally spread my wings.

Thank you for making me feel all of that. Thank you! Smile. Please be happy today! Someone loves you!

2011-11-24T20:02:00.003-05:00

I'm reading old entries from 2009. And I found them funny. Funny that none of them are true now, funny how easy it was to say all those things.

I have a bad habit with the past. I should change it now.

Funny. Just funny.

2011-11-24T13:10:00.004-05:00

Mon cher Prince,

Today is my first real snow day! It was pretty exciting. I insisted on going out and doing some errands. I walked to the harbor and took some pictures. I picked up some snow, balled it up and threw it acroas the rail. I resisted the urge to lay down on the snow and make a snow angel. Lol

I am now listening to Christmas songs. I already heard one of my favorites. I am studying for my red seal exams even if I do not know if I can actually take it. But I still wanna study for it to get ready. I am wondering what is your favorite Christmas song? Tell me when we meet okay? I wanna know.

Prince, I love you. Thank you for making me feel so loved, even if you're not yet here! Thank you. Until we meet. I'll be here. I'll be ready. :)

Smile. Someone really really loves you! Be happy today!

2011-11-24T09:14:00.002-05:00

My Prince,

Snow is falling, everything is white

Are those your footprints in sight?

Can't help smiling when I think of you,

I hope that you're thinking of me too.

Smile. Someone loves you! Be happy today!

2011-11-23T05:47:00.003-05:00

To My Prince,

A lil snow fell overnight and the town is almost blanketed in a beautiful white sheet. It's pretty. I wish you were here. Is snow falling where you are? Keep warm.

I was going to do my usual Tuesday night, hanging out with some friends at a pub called Trapper John's and watch an awesome band called Box. But I was watching some TV and sorting out some paperwork, I kinda got my downtime so I decided to keep it at that. I flaked out on my friends. Lol

I was reading all my older letters to you and I was smiling. I remember the feeling when I wrote those. It's the same. I couldn't stop smiling. I didn't realize how much I missed you. I hope you had missed me to. I hope you're getting closer. I can't wait!

Smile. Someone loves you. Be happy today.

Old Letters...

2011-11-22T18:37:00.002-05:00

I was sorting through my stuff and I came across some of the old cards, letters, poems and just the little things you have sent me through the three years we were together. I kinda felt sad, because now I wonder if they were ever real.

I guess when it gets really hard, it doesn't matter what people promised or said. They just start to forget about them. Like you did. Like I did. We're just a couple of fools.

2011-11-22T07:09:00.001-05:00

Priiiiince!!!!

I am so excited! :) Am I meeting you today??? Befriend me ok? I don't want another whirlwind romance that can be extremely romantic but can also fall apart just like that! Befriend me, get to know me and then love me. And I will do the same. :)

I can't wait to get to know you! :) Forever is ours.

2011-11-21T19:52:00.002-05:00

Hi Prince,

I am so excited today! Thought about you all day. I am so excited to meet you. I was talking to Antonette about you, about believing that someone out there can love me despite the mess that I made of my life. Someone who believes in me and my capacity to love. :)

You inspire me to be a better person and I am slowly finding the direction I lost awhile ago. :) Thank you so much!

I will forever be grateful. I can't wait to be with you! I can't wait to meet you! I hope you havent stopped looking for me.

2011-11-21T06:03:00.003-05:00

My Prince,

Goodmorning!! Another work day, I feel rested today. Yesterday, I realized in my previous letter that I wrote to you like I was writing to him. I have to stop that now. You could be a totally different person. I'll keep that in mind and in heart.

I have to tell you something. There's a guy at work I've been spending time with recently. He's been a pretty good friend so far. I slept over his house two nights ago. It was a nice feeling to have company. You dont even have to talk. You dont have to do anythig we just ate dinner on his bed. Watched a few movies and later I fell asleep. I asked him if I could just crash and wake me up for church the next day. And he did. I love friends like that you know ?

I hope you don't mind if I have friends like that. I also stopped smoking again. Yup, I was smoking for awhile. But I thought real hard about it and I figured it doesnt really help me. If anything when I smoke I end up thinking about my problems and in those 5-10 minutes spent smoking I wallow. The drinking however helps me sleep.

Yesterday I went out to brunch with another friend and it was fun. Then I went to church. After that I swung by Nipa's and asked her if she wants to watch Breaking Dawn. I originally thought i'd be sad and embittered while watching espescially because of him but I wasnt. I actually thought about you. I was silently wishing you could be like Edward. Hopefully not a vampire. Haha Its always nice to think of love stories to be like that. And that it can happen in reality. After the movie we headed back to downtown. And I thought of what I will do after.

I was scared to go home after the movie. I didn't want to go home and feel miserable. But I was so sleepy. (Hmmm, I forgot to toss my laundry into the dryer. Lol I'll worry about that later. For now, I am with you.) So instead of going to the bar I made the walk up to my house. As soon as I plopped down on my bed I started to feel like I made a mistake. I shrugged it off and turned the tv on. And watched until I fell asleep. I dont even remember what show I saw last. I wonder what I'll be doing tonight.

Thinking of you. :)

My Own Rock.

2011-11-20T17:50:00.001-05:00

You used to be my rock. When things were hard I always found comfort in being with you. Yeah even when the hard times were between us. But now I have to be my own rock. I have to find another place for comfort.

Whew. Great loves.

Christmas Wont Be The Same...

2011-11-20T07:31:00.002-05:00

Christmas won't be the same without you...

Christmas won't be the same at all...

Sigh.

2011-11-19T17:42:00.002-05:00

Hey Prince,

The past few days I've been talking to you and we've been arguing. We're spent now. It's sad. Today, I called my mom because I was feeling so desperate, yet again. And then I remembered I can't really talk to her about you because it might stress her out that I'm in this state of being/mind.

But like all moms she listened. And then I asked her how she was, how her lab test was. She then told me that she had stage 3 breast cancer. Ugh. Imagine? Here I am crying over a lost love when my mom had this illness. Wow.

So today, I decided that I will not cry for you anymore. I will not exhaust myself of thinking about the shoulda, woulda, coulda. Today, my #1 priorities are my parents. I hope you understand. It doesn't mean I'll forget about you.

I love you still. I'll be here.

2011-11-17T18:53:00.003-05:00

To My Prince,

How are you? I didn't talk to you for a long time. I'm sorry. I thought I found you. But it doesn't seem that way any more, or is it? Anyway, I'm still confused. I am at crossroads, just looking ahead seems unbearable and uncertain. It's scary.

My heart is broken, yet again. It was nobody's fault than mine. I'm sorry. I am still not whole for you. Instead I keep breaking my own heart. My heart is in turmoil and my brain is swimming in it's own excessive thoughts. I thought of writing to clear my head. And then I thought about you. (Where are you? Are you still there?)

I really wanted him to be you. You know? I thought you finally found me. Maybe, maybe it IS you. I am so sorry, for treating you so badly. He had me at my best, while you had me at my worst. I tried to work through it you know? But my heart, my heart was so, so, so stubborn. It will not hear anything else. It will not feel anything else but fear of pain. I don't even know how I ever felt I loved you. Realizing how much anger, fear and pain I have in my heart. You tried your best I know. I love you for it. I never really was able to let you know how much I love you. How much you meant to me. I was so busy proving to myself you loved me. So busy.

Why did I need to prove to myself that you loved me? Because I needed it. I needed so badly to feel that there is someone who can truly, truly love me. I was so insecure that I didn't deserve to be loved. Because I wasn't sure if I have ever felt love from someone else besides my friends and my parents. The kind of love two people share, intense, inconvenient, can't live without you kind of love. We had that. And now it's gone. The funniest thing is deep down inside, all I really wanted was to be with you.

I suppose I really should let you go (even if I promised you I never will) because we both know you deserve better than a broken girl, who cannot love. Maybe one day we will find each other again. And if we don't then at least even through the pain we both caused each other we still have some good memories we can remember each other by.

I want you to know, I love you. And I am sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me.

2011-11-16T17:15:00.002-05:00

How come I can believe in things like "meant to be" for others but not for myself?

How come I see old lovers breaking apart only to find each other again after many years and be happy for them but not believe that the same thing can happen to me?

Why can't I see that life has so much more to offer to me? Why not?

Liberty.

2011-11-11T17:49:00.002-05:00

After a year and a half of harboring those messages, those chat exchanges, those copied wall posts that have driven me nuts over the past year, which have caused me so much pain. Just a few minutes ago...I deleted them. Yep. Gone. Forever. I felt liberated. I felt free.

I re-read them before I deleted them, expecting to feel a pang pain, something I felt every time I had read them in the past. And I didn't. I let out an exasperated sigh. A small smirk even.

This is a good thing.

Finally, freedom.

Life vs Movies

2011-11-11T02:03:00.002-05:00

The tragedy of life is that it's not like the movies. It's no use getting caught up in stupid romantic comedies, because those things don't happen in real life. No one ever arranges a flash mob to dance for you, or drives all the way where ever you are to tell you they love you, to apologize, to prove they feel what they feel. Or makes you a vampire so you can literally have forever.

Stupid romantic comedies.

October

2011-10-05T07:12:00.001-04:00

It's October! This month I am turning a year older again. And I have nothing to show for it.

Crap.

Ber Months = Christmas

2011-09-20T18:41:00.002-04:00

So, it's September! Meaning, it's Christmas time!!!! So my Christmas wishlist, as usual!

1. Him. Still, like every year since 2008.

2. Win the lottery jackpot! HEHE

3. A better opportunity, career wise.

4. Pass the Red Seal Exams!

5. A nice day (and get the day off) to hike up Signal Hill once again.

Thank you! :)

Remember when...

2011-09-10T22:29:00.002-04:00

Remember when your boylet/boytoy/boyfriend would tell you he'll call you and when you would wait and he forgets to call and a fight ensues? Well, I am well past that stage. Things are so simple back then. If your guy calls as he said he would all would remain nice. If he didn't then that's another story. Of course, I didn't really think that forgetting to call could actually mean something else, like maybe he was calling another girl or worse is already out with someone else.

Now, we ask more important questions like "Is he the one?" "Can I trust him?" "Will he do everything in his power not to hurt me?" "Should I marry him?" "Will he be a good father?" "Will he be a good husband?" "Will I be a good wife?" "Can I live with the annoying things about him?" And the list goes on.

Hay. I'm so bored.

I am Jealous.

2011-08-10T18:17:00.002-04:00

I am jealous of Nipa and Jamil. After 3 long years of being apart, they are finally together. Jamil is having a hard time at work and Nipa spends all her days waiting for him to come home, but is it worth it? I believe it is.

I am jealous of some friends who have been engaged around the same time I did and have long gotten married.

I am also jealous that some of them, also in long distance relationships have either already closed the gap between them or is closer to closing the gap.

When will it be my turn??? *sigh*

2nd Timers.

2011-07-27T10:56:00.004-04:00

When I was in college I had two buddies who were together for the four years we were studying. Being hopeless romantics, I think we all thought they would eventually graduate and get married. They did everything together, if we had groups they're always together in one group, if we only had partners they were naturally partners. They're the kind of couple you wanna hang out with they never make you feel like you are a third wheel. They had a funny story. One I will always remember.

In our thesis year, they broke up. The whole barkada was shocked and sad. They still managed to be friends. And I think our girl friend has never really stopped loving our guy friend. And like most hopeless romantics, I always thought they'd get back together and still graduate and get married, eventually. But we all graduated, they did not get back together. We all saw each other from time to time. Some of us moved across the oceans to try something new, some of us stayed back. Each other moved on and had their own relationships.

Sometime last year, our guy friend was doing something for my aunt and he always had our girl friend with him. My nosey mom thought they are back together. I teased them but they wouldnt say anything. HEHE But now it can finally be said that they are back together. After almost 10 years since they first got together and after 5 years of living separate lives, they managed to find their way back to each other.

So, eventually...hopefully in the next few years, they will get married. I love happy endings! :)

2011-07-25T00:27:00.001-04:00

I'm such a jealous little freak. :(

2011-07-12T10:31:00.002-04:00

Hindi parin natatanggal ang sakit. Lampas isang taon na, masakit parin. Hindi nawala, hindi nabawasan, mas lalong lumalim ang mga sugat.

Ngayon sabihin mo sa akin, mali ba na sa halip na hilingin ko na maging matatag tayo, eh hinihiling ko na sana matapos na tayo. Kasama nun matatapos ang kalbaryo ko.

Reality TV Shows.

2011-07-10T17:47:00.002-04:00

I am living my life through other people's lives! Well, at least some of the stuff that I want in my life. Some people literally have everything they could ever want in their lives.

I'm jealous.

Friday.

2011-07-08T19:09:00.001-04:00

My Friday night consists of frozen pizza, Grey Goose, Simply Orange and tired feet.

Oh...and a broken heart.

Jamil.

2011-07-06T22:54:00.002-04:00

I've been working with Jamil for the past 2 months. He arrived in St. John's 4 months before I did and he took the time to offer to show me around and help me find a house. He also answers most of my immigration questions as his wife is already coming here to Canada to join him. He gave me tips and some of the stuff he needed to do so that he can get her a visa. I'm happy for him.

We share the same sentiments at work, and I talked to him with some issues in my life, for lack of anyone to talk to. Fleeting conversation, not a lot of details but he was able to give me some insights.

I envy him. But at the same time, I'm happy for him.

7 Years.

2011-07-06T13:51:00.004-04:00

Bitch.

Why not? For the past 7 years I have been getting bitch slapped by life. So why not become one? So I can fight, so I can hit back. 7 years, of just sitting, watching things unfold, holding in all the pain and anger.

2004 was the year I first had a real relationship. It was like magic. Imagine meeting someone and feeling the intense chemistry between you. It felt like it was destiny for you to be with him. And after some rough time, when I thought it was working out rather nicely, life decided to slap reality to my face. He said, he didn't love me the way he had before. And I thought about all the things I have done for him, for the relationship, to make it work. Where could I have gone wrong? He said that it wasn't me. It was him. He just couldn't feel the way he used to feel for me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He said no. And so, I defeatedly let him go. There was no use fighting a losing battle. It was okay, until I found out later on that he DID have someone else. He just didn't have it in him to tell me he truth. Did he know how much it hurt? To be betrayed like that? To believe that it was just really not working out only to find out the painful truth that he just couldn't fight for me in his heart. That he just decided to love someone else, despite all the sacrifices I made for him.

After awhile and a few other boys, I met someone who intrigued me. Who drew me in and I found myself in a relationship again. Again it felt like magic. It didn't necessarily feel right, but the magic was enough to make it seem so. And I jumped right in with my eyes closed, and then I crashed. He had someone else. And it took 2 women to send me e-mails to believe that he really didn't care about me at all. That he was just using me. He took everything for me. I had nothing. Just a mess of a broken heart.

And then there was a surprise. When I least expected it, when I least wanted it, when I least needed it. But again, it was magic. How can I ignore it? My heart couldn't. Even if I knew otherwise. I followed my heart. Damn heart! It didn't know any better. It never knew. Of course I also barely knew him. I was too excited, too caught up in all the magic and fairy tales that I overlooked this, that I ignored it. Soon after I would find out that he was just like the others. Too many women in his life. What they, who they are to him, I can't even tell. I don't know where I stand.

And so here I am, after 7 years...still broken. A mixture of shattered dreams and a battered heart. I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes. I just want to disappear. I want curl up in my bed and cover myself up in my blankets and never move. Not in even to breathe. I can hear my head pounding, trying to cope with the madness around me. I am so angry.

It's been 7 years. Now I wont watch anymore. I will hit back.

...

2011-07-05T21:00:00.002-04:00

Do you know what it feels like to be consumed in fear and anger? I do. I feel it now. I feel it pulsating through my veins. I am angry. But I am also scared.

I am angry at situation I am in now. I don't know whose fault it is that I am here. I don't know what drove me here. I am angry at the people who I blame for pushing me to be who I am today. I am angry.

I am scared of what will happen. I am scared of the person I have become. But at the same time, I am scared to be anyone less of who I am today. I don't want the same people to think they can do it to me all over again.

2011-06-27T19:33:00.000-04:00

I Hate People.

Fuck 'em all.

New Home.

2011-05-21T08:51:00.002-04:00

Well...at least for next two years! HAHA

I am in Newfoundland, Canada. And this is where I will be for the next two years! :) It's amazing how all my dreams are coming true. :) Next stop FCI?

2011-03-11T02:29:00.001-05:00

The world is at my feet right now!

I'm so excited!!! I can't stand it!

Wee!

Friendships In A Foreign Land.

2011-02-27T22:57:00.002-05:00

Real friends nowadays are hard to come by, what more if you are in a foreign land. Sure, I have roommates whom I talk to, I have colleagues whom I see everyday at work but I cannot seem to fully bring myself to consider most of them friends. I know that if one day I needed help, I know that I cannot rely on any of these people to be there for me.

Some of them are weird. Some of them are two faced. Some of them are just plain nasty. But the thing that really irritates me and scares me the most are the two faced ones. They talk shit about someone, and that someone thinks that they are "okay" worse is that they are friends. And it makes you wonder, what the hell does this person say about me behind my back?! You know what I mean? UGH. I wonder how these people have friends. And I wonder if they're friends know what kind of friends they have.

So I am really glad to know that I already have the friends I need. And these new people, I'm not sure what to make of them.

Highs.

2011-01-31T22:41:00.003-05:00

I am so happy! :)

I know, I am also so bi-polar. But hey, I'll take it! :P

Anyway, I'm waiting for a few things in the next few weeks and I'm starting to feel good. Even with some unavoidable annoyances. :)

Lovin' it.

...

2011-01-09T03:42:00.002-05:00

I'm Rica. I'm 28, and I want to be free again.

Thanks.

Happy New Year!!!!

2011-01-05T03:24:00.002-05:00

I'm a few days late. HEHE I was busy at work and stressed with all the paperwork I had to do. And like what my good friend Joal said "Just like that it's 2011!!!" He is right, time flew by so fast! I only have 1 year and half to stay here in the US. And well, some of my goals are still floating around. I'm kicking off the new year broke, haha. I have to pay off some bills and saving to pay off my aunt.

First Quarter of 2010

It started out somber and depressing, with all the fights. And to pass time, attention and avoid losing it, I started to actively nurture relationships with friends. New friends and old friends I had been neglecting, I bonded more with my good friend Kevin, kept in touch with my Ate Sandy, April and the ones I left (and miss dearly) back home. And for awhile, I actually started to enjoy myself again, as long as I didn't pick up the phone to talk to him. But of course, things do not turn out that way.

Second Quarter of 2010

I was going back to the Cape! Not in Orleans, but Provincetown. I was so excited. I wrapped up work in Florida and headed over to Ptown! No, I didn't do Disneyworld or MCA Universal (I need to go back!) but I guess there will be a next time. Provincetown is interesting. I like it there but I had some problems with work, and I just had to suck it up. I also met some awesome people!!! I will never forget them!

Third Quarter of 2010

The visit was the highlight of this part of the year. My relationship seemed to be healing, aside from some relapses from my part. I was also finally going back to Arizona. Provincetown's charm was slowly wearing off and I'm gearing up for my visit to NYC! I am so excited to be seeing one of my bestest friends! I was also very lonely and saddened with the goodbyes.

Fourth Quarter of 2010

Celebrating my birthday alone. Celebrating our anniversary alone. But we weren't fighting as much as we used to, which was good. Holidays!!! I had to work on a lot of them but the best was being off Christmas and having him and his parents come to spend Christmas with me. New Year was spent working, as usual. But at least we didn't argue that day, for a change.

Heartfelt thank you's to:

Mama, Papa - Thank you for being the most understanding parents ever!

Nanay - You always surprise me with how much you really love us and you show it in such a different way. Even when you are sooo makulit. Love you!

Mom and Dad (aunt and uncle) - Thank you for being so supportive of me!

Rey - I love you!

Kevin and Manel - thank you for your time and effort spent on keeping our friendship going!

Antonette - soulsista, I miss you! Happy Birthday this month!

April - I don't know how long you'll be around, but I'll take what I can get!

My JIC friends: I miss you guys dearly!!!

My DMC Filipino friends: Thank you! :)

Day Dreams.

2010-12-24T11:47:00.002-05:00

Right now, I'm always dreaming about going back to school. Taking up Pastry Arts at FCI in NY. And then jetting off to Japan for some authentic sushi making classes and then finally ending up in Singapore for some Asian cooking classes. I just checked out the school in Singapore that I was looking at way back and it seems things have changed. So now, I don't know where to go! HAHA

See, I read somewhere that if you can imagine it, it already exists and the universe will conspire in making it happen for you!!! So, I am imagining this:

1. I will study pastry arts at the French Culinary Institute.

2. I will study Sushi making in Japan, along with Japanese cuisine.

3. I will study Asian cuisine in Singapore.

:) :) :)

2010 Christmas Wishlist.

2010-12-20T06:47:00.003-05:00

It's a little late this year, but...here goes.

1. Spend Christmas with Rey.

2. Win the lottery jackpot.

3. Xbox Console, Kinect with Dance Central game.

4. To be able to fix paperwork so I can stay in one place.

5. Pay off debts. (Related to #2)

Relatively short. That's all thanks!

New Year's Resolution

2010-11-29T16:40:00.002-05:00

So it's almost the new year again! I only have one new year's resolution. Lose weight, AND FUCKIN' keep it off!!!

I'm sick and tired of gaining and losing weight. And watching bits and pieces of shows like, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (cutting girls out because the gained weight), Bridaplasty (Future brides wanting surgery before they get married so they can look perfect on their wedding day) and whatever else is out there.

Gah.

Nextweek: Christmas wishlist.

Bi-Polar.

2010-10-23T04:15:00.002-04:00

Sometimes when I talk to you, I feel so happy. All the feelings I had for you back then stat to flood back and I remember everything I felt when I fell in love with you.

BUT...

There are also nights like this, when the pain starts to swell again. And then I feel like, I don't want to be in this with you anymore.

I can't make up my mind about us.

Fuck, I give up.

2010-10-01T20:35:00.002-04:00

Again for the nth time today I am browsing thru your profile. Looking at all the things that changed since you decided to cut me off. Something that you have denied to this day. But the truth is, I do not know why you can't see it. You did cut me off.

A few weeks ago you said that you put everything back. But we cant go back to how it used to be. We can't. No matter how hard you check, no matter how many times you do it, there is no denying our problems. There is no denying that what we once had is now broken. And there is no turning back. It doesn't matter if you put every single piece back in places, its never the same when it was whole. It will never EVER be the same again. It cannot be whole again. We cannot be whole again.

I'm sorry. So. Fuck this, I give up.

Diego.

2010-07-25T22:38:00.005-04:00

April 2009 - Ate's (me) despedida at Metrowalk.

December 2008 - At the house.

October 2005 - Likes to lie on my bed too!

July 2004 - Looking good, baby!

June 2004 - Happy pirate eye!

I do not really remember when I got Diego. All I know is that at that time I got him, I was looking for a dog. I was gonna get a Pomeranian, but my best friend asked me if it was possible for me to adopt him. He needed some love.

I hope he knows even if I didn't have enough patience to walk him all the time or bathe him or hand feed him like my mom does. But I cuddle with him all the time! And I annoy him all the time. HAHA The best thing about him is he knows just when to approach you. I once almost had a meltdown during my thesis and he went up to me and started to nuzzle and lick my face and it calmed me down. And he's the first to the gate to greet you and races to you to say hi.

Smart dog. (He knows when we're just playing him along making him go back and forth.)

Loving dog.

He's like the brother I never had. I will surely surely miss this baby. I know I can never have another Diego in my lifetime.

Thank you Diego. You made me happy. Your original owner missed out on you. :)

2010-06-30T21:33:00.003-04:00

Lost, searching

Looking for something

Finding nothing

Lost, find me

but don't lose yourself

2010-06-24T00:38:00.001-04:00

Beach.

I wanna go to the beach.

My days are wasted waiting for you.

So maybe tomorrow, I will not wait.

Tomorrow I'll be gone.

2010-06-18T14:37:00.000-04:00

i like the fact that i have a little secret with two of my very best friends. :) hihi

PEX-ing.

2010-06-15T19:27:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to share:

1. Love is not when you are only happy, Love actually happens when your ship is being rocked.

2. Love is not when you are strongest, Love actually happens when you are at your weakest.

3. Love is not in the sweetness, Love actually happens when how long can you bear your partner at his worst.

4. Love is accepting your partner for who he is, and loving him for what he can give, even though if there are others way better than him.

Sabi ng bestfriend ng ex-partner ko sa kanya "There will always be someone better than your current partner, but true love is tested kung papaano mo ipaglalaban ang partner mo sa sarili mo."

Dont be a b*tch TS, kung mahal mo partner mo, paglaban mo siya, BS yung LOVE yung nararamdaman mo sa fling mo. Don't give us that BS.

From pexer: gymrat28

2010-06-13T14:07:00.001-04:00

It's gloomy and cloudy.

I'm gloomy and moody.

Pfft!

2010-06-03T10:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, being selfish is survival.

Un-straightening Up.

2010-05-28T15:46:00.000-04:00

So, I'm starting to enjoy looking at girls.

I just...find myself staring at them! It's insane.

I guess this is what asshole boyfriends do to you? Haha

The barista today was really pretty. :)

P-town = Love.

2010-05-24T12:57:00.000-04:00

I found love in Provincetown.

:)

Old Habits.

2010-05-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

I'm falling back into a dreaded routine.

Work, sleep, maybe eat, sleep.

Its like sleep is the cure to all my heartaches.

Its about that time 2 years ago.

Yes, its about that time.

2010-05-19T15:39:00.004-04:00

I always find something about you that makes doubt you, than trust you.

Gut feel? Paranoia?

But it's not really just a stupid "feeling". I actually see things written down somewhere, of you breaking a promise. Or of you turning back on your word.

Or maybe it's just the truth trying to shake me out of a stupor that's even worse than a whole night of drinking tequila and vodka.

Or maybe it's divine intervention.

You shouldn't really wonder why I think you're just like them.

Already Gone.

2010-05-16T00:04:00.000-04:00

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

...Almost there. :)

2010-05-15T10:05:00.002-04:00

Sand between my toes
Vast night sky
Stars twinkling

Burst of laughter
Excited chatter
Drunken stupor

Random kissing, watch
Bear hug amongst friends
We're leaving in the end

2010-05-05T00:25:00.001-04:00

Just waiting for you to miss me.

Just waiting for you to look for me.

Forgive and Forget.

2010-04-30T11:28:00.002-04:00

I saw a cousin's FB status about forgiving and forgetting. He said something about forgiving and forgetting and about how if one forgives one must also forget.

I don't really know how it works. As far as relationships goes, I've forgiven the people who hurt me but I haven't forgotten the things they did to me.

Forgetting seems to be an absurd idea. Except when you have Alzheimer's or dementia. But sometimes I want to forget just so it's easier to move on.

Help?

Stay Or Go.

2010-04-14T03:14:00.002-04:00

Have you ever watch the movie about the man who married an alien? There was a song there where they were singin' stay or go. I am in the exact same predicament. Fuck. I never thought it would come to this. Especially with Rey. Can you believe? I thought I was done with all these feelings but they are back. And I feel it towards Rey. REY. The one I gave my heart to. Broken and tattered that it was. I gave him my heart. Trusting him that he will not break it.

I'm broken...into pieces that was already broken in the first place. I never knew the exact same pieces can be broken again. I am rambling in this minute space...wondering if he reads this. Did you know that some people I didn't expect to be reading this still reads this? But the person who I hope would pay more attention probably doesn't.

My head is spinning either from alcohol or these thoughts. Everyday, I spend trying to get rid of the thoughts already in my head. Of the things I know and don't know but everyday I seem to fail. Everyday I wake up praying. Everyday I wake up with one thought in mind...to trust him. But everyday...he fails me. At the end of the day all is left, are the messages I read, the hurtful things he's said to me, the way he treats me compared to the way he treats his friends.

Everyday, I brace myself for the big blow. The one which can shatter my dreams or make them. Everyday...I prepare myself for whatever is out there. I don't know how I am surviving but I am...somehow, someway.

After The Love Has Gone.

2010-04-09T11:12:00.001-04:00

For awhile to love was all we could do
we were young and we knew
and our eyes were alive
Deep inside we knew our love was true
For awhile we paid no mind to the past
we knew love would last
Ev'ry night somethin' right
would invite us to begin the dance

Somethin' happened along the way
what used to be happy was sad
Somethin' happened along the way
and yesterday was all we had
And oh after the love has gone
how could you lead me on
and not let me stay around
Oh oh oh afterthe love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

For awhile to love each other with all
we would ever need
Love was strong for so long
never knew that what was
wrong oh

wasn't right
We tried to find what we had
till sadness was all we shared
We were scared this affair would lead our love into
Somethin' happened along the way
yesterday was all we had
Somethin' happened along the way
what used to be happy is sad

Somethin' happened along the way
oh yesterday was all we had
And oh after the love has gone
how could you lead me on
and not let me stay around
Oh oh oh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

Oh oh oh oh oh oh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Oh woh woh
Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

Woh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Woh woh woh

BBQ.

2010-04-08T19:31:00.004-04:00

Yuengling. It's a good beer.

7 ft beach towel, can you believe it?!

I can't find the bathing suit I want. Fuck it.

Bumped into John at TJ Maxx.

Two adventures cancelled. Dammit.

Captain Hiram? Where art thou?

Brazilian boy is funny as shit.

Zacky-poo leaving at the end of the week. (I will miss you, baby boy!)

Five more weeks.

Done. Done. Done.

Spring.

2010-04-02T00:37:00.002-04:00

It's spring again. It will be almost a year since I came back here in the US to be with him. One year. And I only got to spend time with him thrice since. And now...I don't know how to be with him. How to get past these issues we have. I just don't.

One year of enduring the loneliness of being alone, being away from my friends, working a job that though I love, with the conditions of my visa, doesn't allow me to grow in the profession. All this for him, for our dreams and for the future we promised each other.

But...now what?

Thank You.

2010-03-27T10:11:00.003-04:00

I want to say Thank You to...

- Some surprise people. I wont mention your names here but I want you to know I am thankful for your moral support and for cheering me up.

- Two old loves.

Popo -- you have always, ALWAYS been there for me. I cannot stress enough how much I value our friendship. So it's true in some weird way...kahit anong mangyari. :) Thank you!

Francis -- You know me in a different way. Thank you for your words of encouragement. And thank you for always making me see that I can have the best. You still owe me though. But it doesn't mean you haven't helped me by telling me the truth when I asked for it.

- April -- your wisdom amazes me. I wish when you encounter these problems you would practice what you preach. Thank you for everything.

- Antonette -- tough love. Thank you.

- Kevin -- another tough love. But thank you. I miss you. I hope to see you soon. :)

- Manel -- MIA. But the time you were not. Thank you.

- Sital and Niko - for keeping me company during those nights I can't stand to be alone.

- Jaime, Zacky, Mikey, Anthony, Dave, Rachel, Regina, Reddis, Russ -- for the concern and for making me laugh. You guys are the best people I have had the pleasure of working with so far. :) Thank you, thank you.

- And you, yeah you. Rey -- I don't know what to do with you. You hurt me so much. But I still would like to thank you...for everything.

2010-03-25T01:40:00.003-04:00

I just want to be free from pain. I want to forget all the painful things I read and saw and continue living. I know I love him. My heart bleeds just thinking about him this way that I do. Whenever I think about him, I still think about that guy I first fell in love with. And I try to connect him to the guy I am with now. And they are so different. He must feel the same way. I know I am not the same person he first fell in love with.

I just want to be free from pain. I want him in my life. But I can't have him if I think of him this way. He's my savior. I have this pure, clean image of him in my head. And now it's not like that anymore.

I just want to be free from pain...especially this kind of pain.

That's all.

Saving Myself.

2010-03-18T09:12:00.012-04:00

My name is Rica, and I am 27 years old. And unfortunately, here I am again...nothing's changed. I made the same mistakes in my life, like I didn't learn anything at all. And now, I am trying to correct that. Do you know what I am really looking for in this world? LOVE. True love.

Someone to love and someone to love me. Something that is constant. Something that stays, not just something that fades and goes away. I've been in three life changing relationships. Each one had their own joys and fond memories. But the pain each one cost is the same. All of those three times, I included them in my plans. And finally, this last one -- I completely changed my life plans for him.

I wonder why the men I loved/love cannot go the extra mile? Why can't they show me that what they are saying is true? That all of their promises mean something? Why is it so hard for them to do it? Why is it so hard for HIM to do it? Now, right now, is when I need it most. Everyday my faith in him chips off. Everyday I can feel myself putting another layer on the wall in between us.

It's always my fault. I changed, I did this, I did that. I. I. I. I. I'm the evil one. It never occurred to you that maybe this is me, asking you to show me that there is real love. That true love exists. Because, once I believed and I got my heart broken. And then now I believed and I got my heart broken again.

I want to save myself. I want to save myself from anymore heartaches. Spin a protective hard shell over me once again, and make sure no one ever gets in. No one ever gets close enough to hurt me. How do you protect yourself from the one you love? So he can't hurt you anymore? So he can say every single bad thing about you and you don't feel anything? How?

I have to save myself from this. I have to save myself from him.

Love, Trust, Lies.

2010-03-12T02:38:00.006-05:00

Love is something we all want. Everyone wants to love and be loved. We all seek it. It was the fall of 2008. I was going home. I just got out of a bad relationship too. I met someone. And I thought he was perfect. We connected in such a way that I have never connected to anyone. We had alot in common. We have the same wavelength of thinking. It's a bit of a surprise. His name is Rey. And I loved him dearly. Perhaps, I wasn't the best girlfriend he's had. I am good when I'm good. But I am also a bitch when I'm a bitch. The past months were hard. Everyday is a struggle for us to get through. There are times when I wondered what I was doing there, why was I allowing these things to happen to me. The answer is Love. I love him. That is why even when he doesn't show me he loves me as much as before, I stayed. Even when it was painful, I stayed. I waited. I am still waiting. I do not not for what though.

Trust is something that is hard to give. Most people have to earn it. It takes years and years to build this foundation. It wasn't hard for me to trust him. I do not know why. I guess, it's because I am a very trusting person. I usually trust everyone first and when they do something that breaks that trust, everything changes.

I feel betrayed. Right now, I feel very betrayed. And he's not doing anything to make it right. If you love someone, proving to him/her that you love her is easy. It's a no-brainer. Even when you are mad, even when you say you are tired. You love her/him! You would do anything not to hurt him/her. ANYTHING.

Lies -- EVERYBODY lies. I have been lying to myself. I have been convincing myself that that you still love me because you tell me. I feel it sometimes.

I just don't understand why you are allowing this to happen to me, if you love me. Why can't you just be true to yourself? So you can be true to me.

That's What She Said...AGAIN.

2010-03-11T11:49:00.002-05:00

Backstreet Boys

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

there are people who say what you wanna hear
even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear
when you really really love someone am i right
when i say that you want them near
and if you care you even tell them things
that they wanna hear

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
the simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said she said yeah

there are people
who say what they really mean
she said she'd always be there
she said she'd always care
but jsut when you think that you can trust that someone you love
tell me why do you know how stars can fall from above

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh ohho yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be togethter
thats what she said she said

cause you made promises that you couldn't keep (ooo)
but you're not hurting yourself
you're only hurting me
why would you say things that you really didn't mean
oh how can i make you see just what you did to me

ooh you said how much you really care
just when i thought i was in love
girl how could you care
if i were you i could not lie even once to the face of the one
that i love so much

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had.
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we're see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be together.
oh thats what she said.

--- I love this song. It does not necessarily make me smile when I remember, but it soothes me some way.

Done.

2010-03-10T03:25:00.002-05:00

I'm done.

I'm all out.

I need to get fished out of this ditch.

Thanks.

Spot The Difference.

2010-03-07T11:44:00.004-05:00

What's the difference when his friend says (not verbatim) "It should end. You don't have to end it badly but it should end." And my friend saying "Leave him."

The way I see it, it only means one thing. They think this relationship should end. BUT, of course because him and his friends are the immaculate ones - therefore they are not judgmental, my friend is judgmental.

So I asked another friend of mine, without explaining fully the situation, just asking him what he thought was the difference between the statements and he told me that they are both judgmental. They are both judging the relationship. He also said that the first statement which sounded nicer could be more judgmental, if you think about it, but is trying not to be judgmental.

The difference is this, for him his friend is the better friend because she is not judgmental as she appears to be. And my friend he thinks ill of because he's judgmental.

What kind of a fucked up world do I live in?

Old Symptoms.

2010-03-06T10:25:00.003-05:00

I remember in the summer of 2008, at the height of all the stress I was feeling, I was getting sick. And now it's back, like my headaches, the diarrhea, the nausea. I wish it was just a bad hangover. But the truth is I didn't have a single drink last night. I just remember crying myself to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, I had a headache. And now it's slowly slipping to the back of my head. It's not so bad. It doesn't prevent me from doing my job, it's not as bothersome but it is irritating. Like an itch I cant scratch. It's just my emotional distress have become so great it's starting to manifest itself physically.

Old symptoms. It's all the same things, over and over. My head is spinning because I am going in circles. I am just caught in this spinning vortex of lies, truths and make believe. Three years on a roller coaster. I really really need to get off.

STOP! I WANT TO GET OFF!!!!

Quote.

2010-03-03T18:04:00.003-05:00

"The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they're right if you love to be with them all of the time."

- Julia Child

2010-03-03T00:21:00.000-05:00

Aray naman diba? :P

2010-02-25T00:37:00.000-05:00

This just in.

Nagpapakabobo lang po. All over again.

2010-02-23T10:58:00.003-05:00

I just realized I have one thing from Valentine's Day.

A heart sticker from Mama Jo. So I took a picture of it as a remembrance.

My friends at work asked me why it was still on my hat and it's been a week already. And I told them that it was the only thing I got for Valentine's Day. This sticker and a heart shaped bonbon with the inscription "Soulmate" that Jaime gave me. And I already ate that.

2010-02-13T12:18:00.005-05:00

You don't care that we're slowly losing each other.

I asked you once, what would you do if I couldn't keep up and you said, you'll cross the bridge when you get there.

But now I see that you don't care.

So why should I?

Here's, What's For Valentine's Day.

2010-02-10T00:17:00.002-05:00

Questions, pondering, endless...random...again, endless...

I check out your profile, and I see endless comments here and there, something pops out and makes my heart ache. Like a stab. A pang of pain, something physical I can't explain.

What do I do now? Now that things weren't as clear, as say some 6 months ago? I can't believe I would ever feel this way towards you. YOU, I didn't expect to feel this way towards you. You were the only thing/person that was constant for me...until now.

But you don't care do you. You say you're sorry but I don't even feel a hint of sympathy in your voice. It's like you're saying it just so I would feel better.

Why do I still love you? If I was in a better state of mind and heart, I would've just left. But I can't. I won't. I just wont give it up even if it's already killing me.

I hate you for hurting me this way. And I hate myself for letting you.

I was watching Le Divorce the other day and Roxy said "...I didn't realize that when you really love...there's no freedom at all. Except to die." It's true.

I just want this to be over and done with. I want to give my heart a rest. It's been so battered and broken. It has to rest. It has to heal. Being with you healed me, for awhile, but then you broke me all over again.

Happy Venereal disease Day! :P

Dating Tips: 5 Signs You're Headed Toward a Breakup

2010-02-07T10:15:00.002-05:00

By dating coach David Wygant
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where the frustration level and the number of times you butt heads with each other seems to increase by the second? You say blue, she says red, and the fights just seem to be going in circles.

If the answer is yes, then you may be at what I call "the breakup point." Here are five signs that your relationship may be past the point of fixing. Whether you are living together, married, or just dating, these breakup signs are usually loud and clear.

1. You stop relationship-building behaviors. In the honeymoon stage of a relationship, which we all know is the first 90 days of pure bliss, you are learning about each other and making efforts to create romantic moods and nice evenings. When you're in that stage, you are really working at building your relationship. Then, at some point, you start to butt heads with each other. Critical relationship elements deteriorate. Maybe you stop kissing each other goodbye or stop texting each other during the day. Instead of adding things to the relationship, you start to resent each other like two five-year-olds who stop sharing their crayons. This is a breakup point.

2. You don't understand each other anymore. The fighting escalates to a place where you no longer feel like you're understood by your partner. Physical intimacy stops, communication stops, and you are living like roommates. You're at the point in the relationship where you are trying to understand each other, but you get so frustrated because you feel like you just don't understand each other anymore. This is a breakup point.

3. You start punishing each other. When you get to the point of no longer understanding each other, what happens is that you end up just kind of coexisting in the new dynamic. Resentment builds and you get in your head too much. You are no longer about feelings, and you start punishing each other. "Well, he hasn't done this for me, so I'm not going to do this for him" are the kind of thoughts that take root. The longer you stay in that dynamic and the further away you get from the dynamic you had during the early part of the relationship, the less likely it is that you'll ever get it back (and, after a point, you won't). You have hit the breakup point.

4. You fight less. When you get to the breakup point, you actually fight less with your partner. You fight less because in your mind and heart you start detaching yourself from the other person, and you don't care as much anymore. You have already made a determination that they don't understand you, that they will never understand you, and that the relationship just won't work out. The minute you get into a fight, you just walk away from it. That is a sure sign that you are at the breakup point.

5. You've taken the time to think it through. When you think you might have hit that breakup point, you must tell the person that you're disconnecting from them. You need to be honest and raw. If you don't think the relationship is going to work, or you know you've already disconnected based on how things have been going, then you might want to consider walking away for a week. When you're in the thick of things, they never seem to be able to work out.

So take a break. Spend a week without your partner. Take the week to ask yourself some questions. Go visit some friends or family. Really think about what life would be like without that person. How would you feel? Then, go back and either take a stand for the relationship or break up.

Whichever decision you make, you need to be honest with yourself. Life is too short! There are a lot of wonderful, amazing people out there ready to meet you.

Meant To Be?

2010-01-30T09:57:00.003-05:00

I don't know how many "Meant To Be?" entries I might already have but this is the question that likes to pop up in my head from time to time. So, I was talking to my mom last night, she asked me to call her because two of my college friends were at the house at the request of my aunt. They were going to talk about some projects she might have for one of them.

Let me give you some history. These two people dated for four years in college. They were like one of those sweetest college sweethearts then. I liked them together. But towards our last year, they broke up. they moved in the same circle of friends and managed to remain friends after their break up. As far as I know, the girl remained pretty much still in love with the guy for a while after the break up. After graduating, we all went our separate ways -- keeping in touch of course. They both started dating other people and remained great friends.

Now, my mom thinks they're back together. When I asked them they didn't say no, BUT they didn't exactly say yes. Guy said "We'll see how it goes." Girl said "I'm not denying or confirming anything." But it pretty much looks like they're getting to know each other again. They may or may not get back together -- that I am not sure yet. But they seem to be taking steps towards getting back together.

So maybe, just maybe they are meant to be together. Isn't life sweet to be given another shot at loving someone you used to love or has continued to love? I am not saying that I am missing an old boyfriend of mine or maybe I am still in love with them. NO. Nothing like that. If anything, I am missing my boyfriend, Rey. Our relationship may be having a tough time right now, and it may not seem like the most ideal one to be in. But I don't want to wait for us to separate to find out if we were meant to be. I want us to stay together and know that we are meant to be.

2010-01-28T23:25:00.001-05:00

I dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. Its like we're scared to lose what we dont have. Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, having it half-way is harder than not having at all.

I agree. I know I read this somewhere and had to look through dozens of old entries to find it. I was working this afternoon and I remembered this quote.

2010-01-22T03:06:00.001-05:00

Isang malaking kalokohan. UGH.

Dumbfounded.

2010-01-20T23:40:00.002-05:00

In my search for answers why these things happen to me, I realized that people cheat because they are not satisfied. And because they aren't satisfied, they try to find whatever they are missing from other people. Instead of helping their partners find a way to satisfy them they turn to others.

But not everyone does that. I don't do that. I am not saying I'm a saint and I have never cheated before. I have, but I had different reasons for doing so. What I am saying is that, even when I am dissatisfied with my partner, I don't go looking for what I am missing in others. I try to find a way to get my partner to satisfy me. Maybe I have a different approach on things like I whine to them a lot or give them attitude, but at least I am not out getting to know guys looking for that something my partner lacks.

It's just amazing. I am dumbfounded.

Imaginary Conversations.

2010-01-20T12:22:00.001-05:00

Me: Can we not say we're "married" on FB anymore?
Him: Why?
Me: Coz it's not real anymore.

...shit.

Smile.

2010-01-17T10:34:00.001-05:00

A gentleman at church nudged me on the way out. He told me "Smile, it's a beautiful day out." It's true. It rained at around 6 AM my time and the clouds were heavy when I walked to church but somehow in that hour long mass the clouds managed to clear and you can see the sun peeking through as we got out of church. It wasn't hot, it wasn't cold. It was truly a beautiful day. And I thought that I should really smile.

So I smiled. And when I did, it hurt. I couldn't keep smiling instead tears started to run down my cheeks. My heart is so broken. I didn't know I was still capable of taking the pain. I thought I was done. I thought now is the time that is really for me. That I will no longer have to worry about someone hurting me, betraying me or unloving me. I thought that THAT was over. I thought that I already found the best guy, the most right guy for me. I thought that now I can let go of the fictional prince and live out my fairytale.

It's confusing. Hay.

Hopeless Romantic.

2010-01-15T09:52:00.002-05:00

I love romantic comedy movies. You know, boy meets girl, they fall in love, they have fun and then something happens, they hurt each other but in the end love prevails -- they kiss and the screen pans out. Yup. I'm a sucker for those movies. Even if I already know how it will end, I still watch them. With each ending, I hope my own love story will be something like it. Thing is, what happens when the screen pans out? Do they just end up gazing at each other's eyes lovingly? Do they just kiss and kiss and kiss nonstop? See, the screen doesn't pan out to the credits in real life. It just keeps going.

It's been three years since I "met" my Prince. Three years since I started writing him. Three years since I started believing that there was one person, who will love me for who I am. And I will love him back as much as he loves me. In those three years, I was with two guys. One who had me convinced he was the prince but he turned out to be an ass. And I am now with another guy, who could be him. I really want him to be.

My Prince who has inspired me in so many ways. Who has made me feel loved even when I didn't know him then. He made me believe that there is love. And I didn't need another person to love me right then and there. I just needed to know that I will be loved when he finally comes.

Sometimes, I think I should already let go of my Prince and just live. Stop looking for him in the guys I am with. After all it is a known fact that most guys are princes in the beginning but monsters at the end. Well, okay not all of them. Some of them don't, not monsters not really. But not exactly a prince too.

Prince, is the result of my wild imagination. It was fun while it lasted, but I cannot live my life around fairy tales. In real life, even when we love someone we hurt that person we love. In real life the ending isn't as happy, because when life ends it means someone gets left behind. In real life, the pain doesn't stop after we kiss and make up, because there will be other pains that will follow, because for as long as we live we will keep on making mistakes and those mistakes will hurt someone, somehow.

So, right now...I just want to live.

Be Still.

2010-01-14T11:46:00.003-05:00

I want to be still

Still as a rock

Hear the wind blow

With my pain it goes

Be still

Not a word

Not a sound

Just what's around

Be still

Calm down

Listen for a comforting sound

Wait for that consoling hand

2010-01-09T23:58:00.000-05:00

Ang plastic ko bwiset.

The Year 2009 In Review...and Thank You's.

2010-01-08T15:47:00.004-05:00

I have been so caught up with my life that I wasn't able to write this. I have been meaning to. So 2009 was quite eventful. Joys and tears combined.

1st Quarter (Jan - March) -- I found myself starting the year arguing with Rey -- I forgot what it was all about, I think it was about me working too much. I was starting to not love my current job, I wasn't inspired. I also found an opportunity for me to come back here in the US and be with Rey. I also found 2 more ob opportunities that I had to pass up. I saw most my good friends and spent as much time as I could and as permitted by my schedule with them. I celebrated my best friend's birthday with her too! It was fun.

2nd Quarter (April - June) -- I quit my job and flew here. I worked in Colorado -- which I was thankful for being able to come back here and all that. But Colorado, was not the best experience of my career. Although, the four days I spent with my Bubu was the best ones I had there ever.

3rd Quarter (July - September) -- Summer passed by so fast but I still couldn't wait for it to be over. Bubu came to visit and we had a lot -- I think. I am only speaking for myself. We celebrated his birthday together! A first! By September I was already planning my next job and my mini-vacay to California.

4th Quarter (October - December) -- My birthday came and went. I did get to spend it with Bubu BUT I ruined his plans. But I was happy enough to be able to spend some time with him. At least whenever we are together we spend it the whole day long. We've seen better days. We really have. But I hope that there will be more. I got a job in Florida it's just really tough. The end of the year, I don't know how to describe it. Let's just say that I wish I had a better one. We're still together so I guess, we have a chance for a better one.

THANK YOU'S...

- for my family, who is always there even when I am not.

- for Rey, who is still there even when I'm not. Even if he doesn't have to be.

- for my friends, who is always there for me no matter what. (Special mention time!) I love you all!!!!

-_-Kevin ~ I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there for you when you needed me. And thank you for never leaving me ever. Thank you. I love you, you have been a good good friend.

-_- Manel ~ Thank you for taking time off from your hectic life to stay in touch. I know how hard it is to do but you still do.

-_- Tonet ~ for the tough love.

-_- April ~ Even when you're not always there, you're there when least expected. :)

-_- Julie ~ for talking to me and for sharing your zen thoughts. HAHA

-_- Ella ~ for always sharing your wisdom with me.

-_- Tere ~ for always showing you cared about me even if we don't talk as much anymore!

-_- Nadine ~ for being so thoughtful and helping me out during Ondoy!

- for my new friends! Mikey, Dave, Jaime, Rachel, Zach - it has been a pleasure knowing you and working with you. I hope that we can stay friends. :)

- for the opportunities given to me the past year.

I'm sorry if I had been outta touch lately. I'll be better. :)

2010-01-02T21:27:00.006-05:00

Flitting through a web of emotions
trying hard to take the tension
Hearts soar, hearts fall
heart spirals out of control

Tears fall, I see a back walking away
Rushing out to follow, running to keep up
He doesn't stop, he keeps going
We keep going, tripping, falling

Roller coaster ride, trying to go with the tide
Stop please, let's rest
I thought we were the best
Seems like we're just like the rest

2010-01-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

Today the year became old again.

New Project.

2009-12-27T23:10:00.005-05:00

I have a project. It's about finding love, keeping it, celebrating it and living it. I know it seems kind of off to be starting a project so late into the year. But I am so excited for this project that I already wanted it to start. I can't wait for the dawn of the New Year. It was just too long a wait! So wish me luck!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

See I have already forgotten this. That is why I have not been patient, nor kind. I have become proud and jealous. I was rude, and self centered. I did not protect, I destroyed. So starting today, I want to re-learn this. Keep it in my heart, like I used to.

If he cannot give me something to hold on to. If he cannot encourage me to fight for him while he rests, then I will start holding on to these words. In them I will find solace. In this promise, I will find my answers. It will guide me to finding love.

Pray for me. Today is Day 1. :)

2009-12-27T10:24:00.000-05:00

Scanning contacts...

Ate Sandy...calling...

Kevin...calling

That's it.

I miss my friends.

2009-12-22T10:07:00.002-05:00

icy glares

emotionless words

hardened heart

tear-stained cheeks

sorrowful sighs

broken heart

another day

another dream

another goodbye

2009 In Photos.

2009-12-21T23:19:00.001-05:00

So, see you next year? :D

2009-12-13T11:45:00.004-05:00

Isn't amazing when you ask or want something and it actually happens for you almost instantaneously?

I hope everything happens already too. >_<