Remembering...

I was reading my previous entry...

I remembered when we dropped Bill off where he stays (Solheim, its a lutheran home which has two different areas, they have an area for oldies who can still manage to be left alone and a separate area for oldies who had clinical problems, trauma, Alzheimer's etc.) Anyway, Bill repeated to me that my aunt and uncle is working out a way for Dorothy and him to be able to live together in the home. He said it to me over and over like a broken record "Soon, Dorothy and I will be together, they're working everything out."

It's sad because he doesn't realize that it won't happen. Dorothy still has a healthy mind and if she stayed there shes going to be assigned to a different area. I hope that my aunt and uncle does work something out.

I kinda feel this way right now...

I miss you.

Untitled

"I dont care what people say, I had a beautiful life."

- Dorothy Faubion

I don't know why, it seemed like she told me out of the blue because I needed to hear it. It's amazing to hear her say it. She's very old, probably about 80-early 90's. Her husband, Bill was diagnosed of Alzheimer's about 2 years ago and since then they have been living separately. I listened to their stories and their jokes. And it was very endearing. It makes me think about my life. I pray that when I come to her age, I can look back and say "I had a beautiful life."

A life lived with fruitfully with my husband and our children. And even if I would sometimes forget our memories, like Dorothy, I would look at our family, I would say, "I dont care what people say, I had very beautiful life!"

Im tired of acting like I got it together.

Im tired to convincing myself that everything is okay.

Im tired. I want to stop and take a breather.

Since I couldn't embed the song itself...

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
Oh

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus:]
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care

So how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No more
It's no air, no air

[Chorus x2]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

...

Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them never to pull the trigger.

-Spongebob


'Nuff said.

Conflicting Heart Whispers...

My heart is at it again. Torn between love for career and love for my Francis. The good news is at least its not another man. Right? RIGHT?

But this is the final plan. I am going home. And when I leave again, Francis will be with me...I hope.

Mean Girls Theme. HAHA

To all those who cannot be like us. And just resort to bullshit.
-------------------------------

Can you hear them
They talk about us
Telling lies
Well that's no surprise

Can you see them
See right through them
They have no shield
No secrets to reveal

It doesn't matter what they say
In the jealous games people play
Our lips are sealed

Careless talk
Through paper walls
We can't stop them
Only laugh at them

Spreading rumors
So far from true
Dragged up from the underworld
Just like some precious pearl

It doesn't matter what they say
In the jealous games people play
Our lips are sealed
Pay no mind to what they say
It doesn't matter anyway
Our lips are sealed

There's a weapon
We must use
In our defense
Silence

When you look at them
Look right through them
That's when they'll disappear
That's when you'll be feared

Hush, my darling
Don't you cry
Quiet, angel
Forget their lies

Finally!

I have it all clear in my head. Thank God!

Lost.

I feel so lost right now. I have so many options it's confusing which to take. I do not resent God for presenting me with such. I am actually grateful that I had options. One way or another I would still have something at the end of the road for me. I just need guidance which path to take. Which will lead to a relatively contented journey of life.

Help, help, help!!!

Anxious Life.

This is how I always envisioned how my life would be:

Host a superb meal with superb spread, as in the kind where in I get pulled off the kitchen by my "fans". (My Chef now actually does this, his "fans" even go to the kitchen to thank him for their wonderful meal!)

And after that I can hop on to another chef's restaurant to have a late night snack and mingle with other great chefs.

Learn to drink wine, so I can be sassy! :P

And on weekends, I can getaway from it all with my family...hamilo coast or anvaya cove, it's the kid's choice. ;P

Im so excited to go to Cape Cod for the summer. After the next months that I will spend in Cape Cod, I'm coming home. I'm finally going to see my Bubu. I've missed him so much. But you know what sucks? That lil' gnaw in my heart that makes me want to stay here because here...my dreams are all true. I'm not so sure what awaits me when I go back. Or if my plans will show itself in due time.

Uncertainty...is my biggest foe at this moment. Its preventing me from getting what I want.

But this love...that I know I have, is enough, I guess. For in a million ways, he has made all of my dreams come true, too.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, SAY No Evil.

Remember how I have really crappy housemates? Okay...from now on I will no longer call 'em the names I used to call 'em. I was talking to my aunt last night and she told me off for name calling and making deregatory comments about these people. She's right. I am asking for a miracle right now. And why would God give me that miracle if I say alot of shit about people. So I must stop.

I must pretend.

I must pretend I dont see anything, hear anything and I must not say anything. Sometimes I must admitt I am so consumed in anger that I feel I want to destroy all of them. But I can't. Like my lawyer said, keep a good thought. So I must do what I must to keep msyelf away from such people.

Oh, this is so teasing my bratinella side.

On the bright side, I might to Vegas soon. I hope! And the more brighter side! I will not be seeing them anymore! Weee! :) Massachusettes is a good place! :)

Fear.

The Secret tells us that fear disables you from recieving what the universe has for you. What you want in your life. It says that to get what you want, you have to ask for it and believe that you deserve it.

I am plagued by fear, of being unsuccessful. And I realize today, fearing what is not there is only paralyzing me. It's not allowing to come full circle with all the blessings that is especially for me. Things I've asked for.

From now on, I'll worry about it when I get there. No more fear.

Yes. I'm going to make it my mantra.

Death.

I always wonder about death. You know how they show it on TV, that the person dying remembers his path that moment before he closes his eyes for the last time. I wonder if it's true. I admitt I dont want to die yet. I'm still young, I have alot of things I want to do. Its not wrong to think about it sometimes right?

Right?

Anyway...this is what happens when you watch Maging Sino Ka Man on you tube. Especially when you watch the part where Celine dies. Hehe

Plans.

I have so many plans. My head is swimming in them this very moment. I am trying to think about how I will do them all. But this is not what the law of attraction tells us.

It says:
Ask - Okay here are my plans... for the next 2 years.
~ Get a second job in MA.
~ Go home.
~ Get the visa.
~ Go to Canada.
~ Study in FCI.
~ Study Asian Culinary Arts in Singapore.
~ Buy Hamilo unit and membership.

Visualize - I have been doing that. I believe I will do all of them.

Recieve - Yes. Soon

What's confusing is, I have so many things I am asking for. Sheesh. The universe is probably confused.

Dreaming of Home.

Francis. The person I consider home. My home. My own. With him I felt I belong someplace, to someone's heart. I'm excited to see him again. My heart just wants to hurry up the next four months...

Excited and Grateful Heart.

I have a very good feeling about how things are going in my life. I'm excited and I smile at every thought about how good my life would be. Especially when I'm finally with Francis too. :)

Happy Anniversary!

Yes, its been a year since my Prince came to me.

And it has been blissful ever since...

I love you.

...

Why is it that when I am spending or even just thinking about spending on myself, I feel guilty for doing so?

I mean, I work hard, shouldnt I be able to enjoy even just a small part of my hard work?

:(

Just Trying Video Blogging.

Idle Minds are The Devil's Playground.

You know what they say.

I have been putting much effort into clearing my head and I end up thinking about bad things. Not good. So I read Faith by AC Ping instead. Couldn't concentrate on it.

So I'm going out...instead. Retail therapy always does it for me.

Other Uses for Tampons.

So, in the wake of my series of nose bleeds, I had one in the kitchen while working. Since I can't just sit in a corner and wait for it to stop because there was work to be done. I did the one thing I really didn't want to do, that G has suggested to me more than once. I took a tampon and shoved it up my nose. They wont stop laughing or staring at me. Chaz even said he thought he was sexy. He's hilarious.

It's getting dryer and dryer and any nasal action (re: nose picking, scratching or sneezing) will cause my nose to bleed. Hell I even bleed in the middle of the night.

Anyway so I spoke to Kevin for like what seemed like a long time and it's just sad to hear him become so cynical about love. I can see myself in him during my "dark days". I know it will pass. But he said he doesn't want it to pass. That he's consciously embracing this cynicism.

I know it may not seem much, but one day she'll find you. And then you'll agree with me Kev...ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. :)

In the mean time, we're here for you (manel and me) and we love you dude. Right doc?

Four Bad Dreams In ONE Night.

You know whan you fall asleep and start dreaming and it's a bad dream you wake up? And then you fall asleep again start dreaming and then it's a bad dream again?! Well yeah had those last night, four of them. The theme was the same, it's all about me and Francis breaking up.

1. Francis has a gay lover.

2. I forgot what we were fighting about but there was money involved and I fainted.

3. I was at church and I see Francis with another girl.

4. I was talking to his aunt or mom. She started to say sorry about our break up.

Mother fucker right?!

The Ironies Of Being a Brat in the US.

All of my friends know that I am a brat. My boyfriend has already embraced that fact about me, thank God, for his unconditional way of loving me. But my oh my, if you see me now in this world that I am now subjected in, you would think other wise.

When I came here to the US, I prepared myself to face a life without my mom - who nagged me to clean my room, put my things in its proper places, you know the drill. I also knew there wont be a laundrywoman or a stay in or out maid. Well I'm sure there is but I'm also sure I wont be able to afford her hourly salary. In short, I did not only they thing I love doing, which is cooking but also the things I could live without doing, like the laundry, the dishes or throwing the trash. Yes, I dont even take the trash out back home. Of course in the kitchen I did all of these things because it's part of the job description and I got paid for it, but when I get home, I'm the boss. Hell.

My house mates are all crap. My room mates are fine, the clean up. We all take turns cleaning the restroom without being told. We sweep the bathroom floor. We put a trashliner in the trash. But the rest of them outside my room, they're a bunch of crappy people who dont know how to live civilly. They have been so confined with their "probinsyana" attitude that they brought it all the way here. Can you believe that? I think they should go home. They dont belong here. I dont think they will ever belong here.

It's USO.

The one thing that I dont understand with Filipinos here that I am unfortunately forced to surround myself with is that they think it's alright to cheat on their husbands and wives.

A friend of mine actually said that it's "uso" to do that here. Well there is no doubt that it is indeed the trend here. Getting into relationships with people who is married back home, either both parties or at least one of the parties. Blech.

Isn't it disgusting? I mean just the thought of doing that to my Bubu is disgusting! I guess we dont share the same principles. But it being the trend here, I mean in the Filipino community I am subjected to tolerate, is the lamest excuse I have heard.

The only trend I like is fashion trend. That kind of trend is for people who didnt like Uggs boots. They dont have very good tastes.

What Theodorica Means...

What Theodorica Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

This is soooo me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Another Night Spent Staring at My Ceiling.

I've been thinking. And yes, I have been hurting myself thinking about this. I'm thinking about what to do with my life. I hate it when everything is so uncertain and I dont have a clear path to take where I absolutely know what will happen to me if I take it. I hate making choices. I wish someone could just tell me what to do, but I'm sure the rebel in me would hate that too.

It may seem like I am living "the life." Imagine a young (well, not really) person like me being able to travel and work and doing what she loves to do in the country she's always dreamed of going? Seems like paradise right? No. Right now I have a decision to make. A major one, and it's going to change my life, my plans and my future.

*some parts deleted due to security reasons.

I'm old!!!

I saw some pics...and then I realized I am old...

before (circa 2005) and after (circa 2008)

Botox, here I come?

My Prince = Forever.

There are times when I just want to look at your face
With the stars in the night
There are times when I just want to feel your embrace
In the cold night
I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be with forevermore

All those years I've longed to hold you in my arms
I've been dreaming of you
Every night I've been watching all the stars that fall down
Wishing you will be mine now
I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be with forevermore

Time and again there are these changes
That we cannot end
As sure as time keeps going on and on
My love for you will be forevermore

I just can't believe that you are mine now
You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world

As endless as forever
Our love will stay together
You are all I need to be with forevermore

As endless as forever(forever)
Our love will stay together(together)
You are all I need to be with forevermore

~~I listened to this song on the way home. One of the guys had a cd of it. I remembered how much I miss my Bubu.

Caught In A Web Of Energies!

I feel like a goddamn pingpong ball. Hit back in forth into positive and negative energy fields. I'm dizzy. Ulk.

No cannot be. I have to have only one energy field to move in. And thats positive. And should become some sort of a mantra.

No more hows. Just know you will get it.

Anxiety.

I'm anxious. My aunt just called me to tell me she already found an employer for me. Well, a prospective employer. Mixed emotions. I'm happy, at the same time, I'm scared. I dont know how to be in architecture anymore. I mean I was there for a while. Okay, who am I kidding for 6 years of my life. :) But since embracing cooking as a more realistic career for me. Not to mention my passion, I've quite buried the fact that I have a degree in Architecture. A degree that was filled with tears, disappointments, highs and dreams.

I dont want to let go of the life I have right now. Of what I am doing, of the dreams I have rebuilt. But this is the only way for me to be able to get the things I want. So I guess, this is it. I'm anxious. I dont know what its gonna be like again. But I know in some way I should be able to find an outlet. To be able to still become the person I want to be.

What I Love About My Life Right Now.

Francis. DUH (Kailangan pa bang imemorize yan?!)

Valley Metro - except when I get left by the bus. Happened to me this morning. The bus didnt wait long enough!

Scottsdale Fashion Square - Great mall! :)

See's Candies!

The independence I really have. I actually have a choice of taking or not my mom's phone calls! HAHA

The way I miss my dad.

My roomies, Ate Sandra and Ate Belen. 2140 is a bit more tolerable coz of them.

Sunday's off! - I get to go to church.

My boss!!! - He's the bestest and one of the cutest boss I've had. :)

Picking up some Spanish and Italian phrases. :)

Arizona Tidbits. Laughable.

I was just thinking about the funny things that has happened to me so far...

I was Ugly Betty for halloween. And it was soooo fitting.

I washed the dishes for the 3rd time using the dishwasher and I flooded up the kitchen. HAHA

Running to avoid the cold, which actually makes it colder.

Pushing the costco cart back to the apartment, with every intention of bringing it back, when I was going back down the cart was gone. Two days later I saw it in the trash bin.

Running after the bus.

Always getting stuck listening to homeless people. And getting begged at! Grah!

Sticking my hand in the pizza oven when its cold even in the kitchen.

Stopping and petting almost every dog I come across with.

Walking into Nordstroms with my hand carry luggage, that had wheels, I usually use as my purse in case I shopped and couldnt carry anymore bags. I looked like a hilly billy!

Defrosting a pack of pork and almost flooding my kitchen again! :) Blech!

The thought.

FRANCIS AND RICA ARE WEALTHY. VERY WEALTHY!

Nikon D300 here I cooooommmmmmmmmeee!!!! :)

Mini Cooper! Vrrooom!!!

Happy Valentines!

Well...this is my first Valentine's in a different country. Its not as overrated as the Philippines. Ulk. HAHA Sorry, I just never really celebrated Valentine's properly I guess. I always celebrated with my friends. Single girls, you know?

I am so irritated with Francis and his obsession with his stupid muscles. Swear. I hate muscles. The perfect body I've seen so far is Carlos'. It's lean enough, not too much muscles. I'm sure his girlfriend loves to snuggle up to him. Not to mention that he's muy gwapito. Francis used to be sexy. Now he's just one bulk of hard mass. Blech. Not so sexy at all, its even borderline gay.

Anyway, we had a good evening at the restaurant. I'm sure the servers made alot of money. I wonder how romantic the couples were. But they're old. So it may seem icky. They can be cute though. When they're not pain in the asses. HAHA

Little smiles of my day.

We were walking at Gateway Mall to the parking lot after dinner with my bestfriend. At the escalator you turned to me and hugged me and you said "Uuwi na tayo. Ayaw ko."

We were in Cafe Breton after the we watched the sunrise in Tagaytay and you said "Give me a kiss!"

The way you squeezed my hand to direct me where we are going.

You picked me up from work in TriNoMa and when you saw me you walked towards me, gave me a big hug and whispered to my ear "I miss you." Accompanied by a silly smile on your face.

The way you always carried that collage I made in your bag. Is it still there?

~~Just some of the things I was remembering today.

Ka-caw!

You will never hear it back home. A hawk or raven or crow ka-cawing. It's one of those surreal things here in Arizona.

Here birds actually circle above you. You can watch them fly, chirp and transfer from branch to branch.

In Desert Mountain, javelinas (wild pig), cayotes and deer prance about. People dont shoot them. Someone will have your ass if you do that.

Its nice. It's actually one of the things I like about here.

The Last.

This is my one last rant. Actually, I have not much to rant about. I have a good job, was fortunate enough to be able to come here. Although I miss my Bubu so much. Thats it. I miss him super duper duper duper miss!!!

Today, I will forget about the people who get into my nerves and laugh everthing off.

Today, I will focus on the positive things that are happening to me.

Today, I will believe in the abundance of the earth.

Today, I will have faith in God to lead me to the right direction. And back in my Bubu's arms.

Today, nothing others say can shake me, pull me down or annoy me.

Today, I am invincible.

Well...to them.

Alone.

Again. Its nothing new. I have been alone almost everyday here. I went to church and I just feel overwhelmed again. I asked for lot of things that I hope and pray (again) that He will give me.

It's so cold out. I started feeling sorry (again) for myself because I was shivering in the cold. I just started to tell myself "this is a sacrifice for worshiping God" it turned to some sort of mantra. And then it wasnt that cold anymore.

I miss my positivity. I am having a lot of problems getting it back.

The Joys And PAINS Of A (Fuckin') Long Distance Relationship.

Whoever said that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is seriously demented. He clearly wasnt in a long distance relationship. I doubt he was ever in one. He doesn't know the paranoia, the sleepless nights spent crying, the longing and missing. That person sucks. It doesn't help that my guy doesnt text me often rather just texts me when it's convenient for him to do so. Or worse, when he needs something from me.

But there are those times that's just so nice. He calls you and send you sweet messages (when he remembers). You feel good about everything. And it should be that way all the time because these are the things that really sustain the relationship. It's an endless rollercoaster ride of emotions. But it's never thrilling nor exciting but tiring for a weary heart.

I dont want to beg to be loved anymore. I've done that before, one time too many. I dont deserve to have to beg. I know I deserve to be loved in some way. Because I've loved with all that I am. I have given all that I can give.

I dont want to wait anymore. I'm just through with it. Phone calls, text messages, emails. I am waiting for nothing. I want to move on and not ever look back. Maybe those stupid promises dont mean anything. To make a girl wait is not right. Chivalry is dead. Everything is reversed. Girls go to their boyfriend's houses, we wait for them to pick us up, WE pick them up, buy them things. What happened? Have we become so desperate to keep them? It's our fault. We let them do this to us.

I dont want to think about him kissing another girl. Holding that girl's hand. I hate to think he's sleeping beside her. When it should be me he's doing all of those things with. I guess all of these choices are up to him.

I want some peace of mind. Stability. I want to know if this can work or not without anymore pain. I want to be asked how I am feeling, doing or if I was happy. I want a Valentine's card. I want to mean more than anything to him. I just want to be loved. Even if I am miles away and several hours late. I want to feel like I still belonged to him and that I never left. I want to move on from the confusion, the heartache and the uncertainty. It has to stop. My heart just can't take it anymore.

If he loved me he'd call me just to say he did, not when he wants something. If he loved me he'd have already sent those emails that he said he'd send, because he knew I have been waiting. If he really wanted to chat with me he'd wait everyday for me to come online If he loved me he'd send me messages every now and then to let me know I am remembered. And if he truly loved me, he would come here, to be with me.

Today, for the first time since I came here I sincerely prayed I could stay. I can't help but feel that there's truly nothing for me back home. Not anymore...

Waaaangggg, waaaaaannnggg!!!!

The had a party a couple of nights ago and the police ended up knocking on their door because they were too loud. It's a good thing I opted not to go to the party. I had a good reason why, I was too busy moping about Francis and our relationship. Who knew something like that can save my ass from trouble?!

Some party huh?!

I am looking forward to paying my credit card. No, not really but I have to!!! *grumble* I wonder if I have to pay for my own tickets to LA. I am charging to my account. I have to ask my aunt about that. Because I cant really afford it. I have to send money to my mom. Her birthday is coming up.

I went to church today. Yes, an actual catholic church. Felt good. It's probably the reason of all my anxeity problems. I havent been going to church. I promise to go every Sunday from now on.
I bought myself a new wallet (again!). It's $45.00 plus tax but when I was paying for it the cashier gave me a 50% discount because there was no tag on it. I literally jumped for joy. And she laughed at my excitement. HAHAHA Will take pictures of my much loved wallet.

So now, I'm broke I had $10 in wallet this morning and took 2 out for fare and 1 out for donuts! HAHAHA But I get paid this week. And I am mucho dinero baby! Well, sort of.

Come è a tutti?

As for me? Molto bene! (Some stuff I'm learning from the crazy Italian cook, Silvio!)

Véale pronto!

RAAAAANT!

First off I hate Francis for breaking promises left and right. It's not right. I mean if he cant keep all these little promises he's breaking, what about the promise to love me till he breathe his last breath? DUH.

Second, I hate the Filipino guys here who think they're all that. And insists on wanting to be with you even if you tell them you already have someone, and even if they themselves are already married. They cant fuckin' respect their wives and the families they left behind.

Third, Manel. She knows why.

Fourth, mga putanginang babaeng add ng add kay Francis sa friendster.

Fifth, $8.12 na withholding tax? How much will I be owning the state? Bleeeeurghh!!!!

Rave:
Porcini rubbed Filet Mignon which will go with my broccoli perfectly! Woot!

Things I WANT To Buy BUT Cant Afford YET.

Cameras:
Nikon D80
Nikon D300
Nikon Coolpix P5100
Sony DSC-H9/B
And a pink camera that lets me isolate colors. HEHE Dont know which one yet.

Laptops:
HP dv6700t customized
Fujitsu N6460
Fujitsu T2010 tablet
Toshiba Qosmio 6455
Dell XPS M1330
Dell Inspiron 1420 Pink
Mac BookPro
Mac Pro
--Just because everyone wants one! HAHA

Cars:
Honda Accord Coupe
Honda Pilot
Mazda Hatchback
Mazda RX-8
Isuzu Ascender
Nissan 350z roadster
BMW X-5
BMW X-3 - for the days I like to feel small. HEHE
Mini Cooper - Pink! Weee! I like this because Francis likes small cars but I'm not sure he will want to drive a pink mini. HEHE


Sony 4.0 MP handycam
Samsung SGH z240
iPod Touch
iPod Classic 60GB
Kitchen Aide with ice cream maker attachment

Because Francis told me to think of nice things! Arent they nice? SWEEEET!!!!

New Year In The Van.

Guess where I spent the turn of another year? Yes, in a van. I was going home from work. I am tired. I can feel my back, my hands and my legs ache. More over, I feel weak from the loneliness that I feel. The emptiness that sets in whenever I think about home.

I think sometimes he is starting to forget me. The phone calls have become less, the text messages have also become less. I think in a way he's coping very well with my absence. I do not wish to think about things having to be this way. I do not wish to attract the negative energy and bring it into our relationship. But everyone knows that all love stories are somehow painful.

Sometimes I'd think about letting go because its the easiest way for both of us, but I love him very much, and just the thought of losing him is already enough to reduce me to tears. I do not want to lose the "us". I want "us" to work. In some parallel universe maybe we are together.

New Year.

Everything is new for me this year. New people, new place, new job, new boss, new area code, new country. Time went by so fast this year. I almost didn't feel it. ALMOST.

I started out the year crying, remember popo? And I will end it still in tears. What's not new is the familliar pang of pain in my haert each time I think of home.

Merry merry me!!!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone's had a good christmas. I had a lot of fun! Check ou the pictures at my multiply site! It's just off of my links. Anyhow, I went home earlier than expected though because my feet were killing me and so was my back. Argh! I had a couple of drinks by my lonesome. It was fun. And before you say anything about how fun it is to drink alone then read ahead.

"What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be."

- Ellen Burstyn

My drunk last night room mate barged in this morning to wake us up. She didnt sleep in our room, I think she was too drunk to find her way back. HAHA She was inviting us to wade in the hot tub. I told her it was way too cold and even if the tub was hot getting out would be fuckin' agony. HAHA But we still made our way to the pool area and found that it was locked! Ha! So we ran back home because in our bathing suits it was freakin cold out.

We ate lunch at the place were we did the party because there was so much left over! HAHA Anyhow so that was it. I called my parents and my uncle. Francis called me to greet. And now were back here playing uno! I'm going to another party later! See yah!

Helloooo!!!

Are any of my friends still reading this stupid thing? I feel like ranting today. I did something I shouldnt have done. I checked his friendster account. Yep, I told myself i wouldnt do it anymore. Did you know what it said in his status? It's complicated! Now suddenly our status was complicated. BULLSHIT. And you know what doesnt help? Me, being so fucking far away.

Bakit ganun? Why did he bother if he will only hurt me? I told him so many times what Donald did to me. How I caught the dude cheating on me through friendster. Bakit subjected na naman ako sa pain na ganito? Halos maglumuhod na ako pleading for him not to pull something like Donald. My pleas has fallen on deaf ears. What the fuck is wrong with you man?

I am so mad at myself. I love a guy who doesnt have a heart.

Brrrr!!!! Cold Christmas!!!

Well...it is! For the first time in my life it is really cold. We're a couple degrees short of a white christmas. Thank God! We'll so far it's been very lonely. I miss my friends. My Bubu. It should've been our first Christmas together. I got a lot of presents for him. But he's not opening them on Christamas day. And I, I will be with my roommates on Christmas Eve along with other Filipinos all of whom are spending this family time away from their families. Blech!

Sucks to be meeee!!!

Deperate Kingdom Of...

Ooops...desperate lang pala...

I am so bored and lonely here.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

...

I am so fuckin' lonely here.

As in I can't help but cry every night.

I can feel my soul wasting away...

HELLOOOOO LOS ANGELES!!!!!!!!!!

I am here in LA for a couple of days. I am on my day off and decided to fly out here to visit my aunt and uncle. I went to Venice Beach! It's a haven for artists and weirdos. HAHA There's this stall which had an experiment on the medicinal affects of marijuana. And one guy who was shouting will work for marijuana. Some stalls had interesting trinkets for sale plus some artwork. My uncle bought a salt and pepper shaker the were in a hug. There's a guy who was roller blading around in a turban and a guitar. And a guy who stood there naked for money. HAHA It was hilarious.

It is very cold here! And I am close to freezing all the time. My heart wants to chill out of my chest! LA has been fun. Plus my aunt gave me a lot of things which I dunno how I will bring back to Arizona given the fact that I didn't have any luggage with me. Oh well. I wish I had a laptop though so I can talk to Francis more because I always miss him.

So there. Next time maybe I will have more money I can actually shop!

I apologize...

To my friends who havent heard from me since I got here. I am sorry. But you can come check out my blog from time to time to read up on my life here. It's just I get tamad to write.

So far things have been well, except that my room mates dont like me, why? And I had been the perfect room mate during day one. After I learned that they didn't like me I ceased to be one. And I just go about my business not bothering with them anymore.

You know how it is that when you're back home you're so burara and since you're now on your own, you've taken to taking care of your things and yourself. So I like my, or should I say apartment clean? So what? And how I told them not to use the dryer until after they get the lint of it because it can burn the house down...not only our apartment but the rest of the complex? What is freakin' wrong with that?

Anyway, I wish my room mates were Kevin and Manel. I'm sure I'd be having a blast. Or I wish I was with Francis. I'm sure I'd be better off. *sigh*

...

Nov 9, 2007

My Prince,

Yes, it's been a while since I wrote you anything. I miss you terribly. I am so far away from you. I feel so lost. I feel I am losing "us". I feel I am losing you, again.

It's been a month since we had our union. Did you remember? I must confess, I almost forgot. For which I am heatfully sorry.

Work is fun. I am with some poeple, who like myself studied in Culinary school. My colleagues have been nice to me. Everyone you meet along the way, may it be a corridor or a sidewalk, smiles or greets you. But nothing beats the feeling I get when I see your smile as you're approaching me. Or as we drive to our favorite place. Nothing can replace being with you. No matter how foul you mood is or even when we are fighting.

I miss swining by your house or office to get a hug at the end of a very tiring day. Tonight, like every other night since I came here, may it be tiring or boring, when I go home all I will get is a snuff in the face (by my room mates who are bitching on me) and the chilly air in my almost empty apartment. There are nights, while waiting for the vanpool to pick me up, when I would look up the clear night sky and see the beautiful moon upon me. And it makes me sad, when I start to realize that we are no longer staring at the same moon.

No more warm hugs which I feel so at home in. No more soft butterfuly kisses on my lips, neck and hands. I miss you. If missing someone could kill, I'd be dead the day i stepped into the airport.

It's so much different then, when I used to write letters for no one. I knew I loved you even if you weren't around. But now, it's so hard not to long for you. The pain is suffocating. My life is again a cosmic joke. After the anticipation of meeting yoou when I finally did, I had to say goodbye. It's almost bittersweet. Even with the promise of beiing with each other again it's so hard not to feel lonely at times.

I think about you countless times. Almost every waking moment of my days,. I thought about you, about us. Will I ever see you again? Will the feelings be the same? How would it feel to be with you again. Will I kiss you first and then hug you? Or vice versa?

I'm afraid we might start to forget what it's like to be together. Though I cannot forget about you. I'd sometimes fall to my knees and start crying out for you. I wish everytime you'd ome and take me into your loving arms., where I am alays safe and wanted. But it cannot happen, not yet. Not for a very long times.

I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice calling out my name. Or the tender way you squeeze my hands. I even miss the annoying way you'd "command" me to kiss you.

I love you. The distance doesnt change how I feel about you. And I will hold on until I see you again. When we're finally one again. Until then my heart will remain broken, because it just ain't the same without you.

=/

HELLOOOOO ARIZOOONA!

So, I have finally arrived here in Arizona. It took me a while to get started. It's a good thing I found the library where I get free internet access!!! Cool huh?!

I miss my Bubu. Right now it's about the only thing I miss back home. No offense. I also started working already. I don't miss my old job much, since I am also a pizza girl here. Anyway, my apartment is great and my room mates are also nice.

I walk all the time since I don't have a car and it takes forever for the bus to come. Sometimes I wish my bubu is with me. We can share all of the nice things I see here, together. I kinda like it here. Well, I haven't seen what it's like in the summer.


I might go to LA on Nov. Yay! I miss LA already even if I was there for like 4 hours already and 2 hours of which is spend waiting in the airport! HAHAHA Anyway so will blog again another time! :)

The long wait...

So, my flight was moved...AGAIN.

I am starting to get pissed with the agency. The good thing about it is that I get to spend more time with my Bubu. The bad things about it is that I am already out of cash, the schedule got messed up and I lose days on my contract.

Now I am starting to wonder if I had pre-empted everything when I told everyone about it when I passed the interview.

Dammit.

Presenting the De Venancio Puppet!

This family have a lot to say about what I do with my life! Sure, they give me everything. Sure, they give me money, clothes, unneccessary gadgets and stuff but I thought they were gifts. I didn't know they were buying my free will with it. Even God, gave me my OWN free will!

It's depressing how my cousins can get away with almost everything and me? I'm stuck being the responsible one, being the one who didn't want to disappoint anyone anymore. In short, I HAVE TO MAKE UP FOR MY COUSINS MISTAKES.

Sure they might have good intentions, but they never understood where I am coming from, why I am doing these things. I have a life. I have a boyfriend whom I love. Why must they tell me what they want for me all the time? What they want are sometimes not what I want!

I'm leaving in less than a week! I am so sad not being able to spend more time with my boyfriend. I miss him alot. I will miss him when I leave, but no, they just dont get it. They never get it.

And they say the DONT use their money for power. Well, they are very wrong!

Crocodile tears...

Usually when I guy starts sobbing or crying on the phone or in front of me I get turned off. I find it a tacky way to get some sympathy.

Why?

When I confronted (that eventually lead to the worst break up of my life) my ex about his behavior he cried and told me he was sorry but he didn't feel the same way about me, and that it's not about another girl. Well guess what, 2 weeks later a good friend of mine saw him at some concert with another girl.

But early this afternoon, my boyfriend called me and started to cry. He blabbered about my leaving. I didn't really get much of what he said. And it broke my heart.

You see, prior to that, I told him that I may be staying in the US for good, and might not be coming back for a while. Then later on, I had to tell him I'm leaving a week earlier. :(

It pains me to leave him. I wish he can go with me and build our future there together. But we must do it apart.

Tears arent that tacky afterall...

I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Okay, for today. My braces have just been lifted off to be replaced by retainers on wednesday!!! Weeeeeee!

Geekiness is over! Now, I would really, really, REALLY want to make out with my boyfriend! Teehee. Haven't done that in a while. :)

The NEXT flight out.

This is the official statement. Yes, I am leaving. Yes, it might be for good. I cannot say yet what my plans are but it definitely includes my wonderful boyfriend.

My flight will tentatively be on October 16. Yes, I wont be here for my birthday, so if you're planning anything for me or with me on that day, do it earlier. HEHE

Yes, I am in a rollercoaster of feelings. One minute I am excited, the next I am sad. No, I wont be treating anyone to a despedida thing nor am I throwing my own despedida party. One, I dont have enough funds, and next, friends are supposed to do this for you. But I'd like to see everyone I care for before I go, so that hopefully they wouldn't forget about me.

So there. I want to say "see yah!" to all my friends I will leave behind. Catch me all on YMessanger when I get a laptop. Or my phone will be on roaming so we can still text. :) See you next year. Or probably not.

And most especially to my Prince:

I love you. This is not good bye, hopefully. I will see you soon. I will let you marry me someday...soon. :) This is for us. You're my only one. Thank you for your support and love.

Tears and the rain...

I felt like crying earlier. Thanks to the rain it made it even more conducive to melancholy. Sadness is slowly eating up my soul. And it makes it harder that I cannot lean onto the wall I have been leaning on to during my episodes the past months. Because he's also consummed by loneliness so he says.

I have been trying to get to him lately. Trying to get a glimpse of his soul. But I can't find it. My heart doesn't feel anything, hear anything, even the small prayers. Even the ones from his heart. But I can see him, staring off, his eyes so sad and when I ask he turns his head and tries to muster a smile.

I wonder what happens after...

The truth be told...

For the past entries I have been speaking in riddles. Now, it can be told...I'm leaving. Soon. Only a bunch of people know about it, family and the closest person to me, Francis.

I found a job for me in Arizona, my contract starts in October and ends in May. I dont know what will happen in between. But what's important is I am leaving soon. Finally, it's my turn to go. I've wanted this for the longest time for myself and now the opportunity is here.

This for my future, Francis' and mine. For my family.

Not so impossible...

All of a sudden the idea of a "forever" doesn't seem too far fetched.

I stopped believing that I'd find someone who can love me forever. For me, forever is just a lucid idea. Blame it on the bitterness caused by a cheating ex-boyfriend. Forever, then, crumbled. It was a preposterous idea made up by fools. And I refuse to be a fool anymore.

But, this guy I am with now. This man, I so fondly call "my prince", him who I wrote those letters to. Him, whom I wanted to be "my prince", he makes me want to believe in "forever" again. That it can still happen, for me.

Is it possible that maybe he can love me forever? Is it possible that he can withstand all of my whims, my caprices, my moods and my unpleasant attitude, and still love me in spite of these imperfections?

Is it safe for me to believe that forever is not impossible, that it happens? Can it? Will it?

Shush!

I'm shushed.

I have alot of things in my head I can't talk about. Why? Because he gets annoyed when I voice them out.

Hargh.

It's hard, having all these thoughts and not being able to talk to the one person who could understand.

Anyway, I dreamt about him today. In the dream he put our picture in his friendster account. I forgot what he said on the caption though. So I thought I'd go check when I got home. He didn't. It was really just a dream. Oh well.

Shitty internet connection. Argh.

I miss someone. I'm not sure who, but there's a hugeongous pit of longing in my soul.

Laws Of Attraction.

Have you heard about it? The theory that your thoughts are so powerful that it attracts what you're thinking of into your life? Sounds new age?

"People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle."- God, Bruce Almighty

So, I was wondering and thinking like I always do. If I am confusing the universe with my thoughts and actions. I hope not.

Sometimes, I pray and I get confused of what I am praying about. Like I have alot of things I wanna lift up to Him, and it seems to rush out faster, before I can think about them or mutter about them.

I hope I am not negative-ing myself. No. I hope not.

Preposterous!

Ideals.

Everyone has them. I think I am deluded by them, but what if you're not someone's ideal? How does it feel?

I am not his ideal girl. I've known for a while. Actually, I think I've known ever since. It's funny right? That I cry every night because of a guy who doesn't even think of me as his ideal girl. Not really. It's funny knowing and trying not to feel anything about it.

I want to know what he thinks of me. Does he smile when he thinks of me? Will he remember me fondly? Will he treasure the memories we had? What will he remember of me most?

Tears. Leche.

I wanted to know if I can even be close to what this girl is like. Maybe somehow I have something in me that's remotely close to what she is, that I have something to offer that she cant. And maybe it will be enough to make him stay.

Crying my tearducts out...

I've been crying every night, lately. It's not that I want to fore go of my plans, no it's not that. It's just I'm sad I'm leaving someone behind. I love him. I love him so much and I am starting to miss him, right now.

Just the thought of being so far away from him is tearing me apart. But these plans, will make a better future for us, and it will help.

I just don't know if I would still have a home to come home to in time. Or if distance and time will eat my dreams and plans away...

Reading another blog...

Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end."

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question, "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking.

"Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound...

As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more."

I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, “I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.”

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You're asking a lot.”

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."
____________________________

I was reading Ella's blog earlier. I started with her entry "Stupid Love". I can relate I will soon be faced with something simillar to that. But I will take the path that I have long put myself into. I wanted it, I earned it and I need it to become the person that I can be whatever happens I know I will gain from it.

And then I stumbled across this other entry which is really an interesting read, impressive even. But where do you find a man like him? I have every reason to believe I found mine already. And I hope that every other girl who wants to meet her prince will find a man worthy of her.

You see...I still believe in the line "A woman's love story is exactly how she wants it to be."or from the movie The Wedding Date, ''Every woman has the exact love life she wants.''

Thank you. (random)

For the thoughtful way you squeeze my hand.

For the hugs those times my heart, my soul and my body is slumped.

For the support and courage you always have for me.

For those annoying kisses you insist on giving me.

For staying up to drive for me.

For those surprisingly sweet messages you'd send me, which would make my day.

For including me in your life plans and for wanting to be in mine.

For those days you cuddled with me.

For those days you went "away" with me.

Thank you for the last four months of bliss, tears, laughters and magic. I hope we're both looking forward to a lifetime of them.

Missing out.

I'm not counting my blessings. Yes, ingrateful twerp that I am. I'm failing to see the good in all the things that are being presented to me that can bring more meaning to my life. Argh. Anyway...I feel so "un-blessed" right now. Like I'm not feeling the sanctity of things, the diviness. I'm way too detached with my spirituality right now, I seriously need to be rushed to the confession booth at greenbelt.

Oh God! Save me! Seriously.

Sweet nothings...

"Bu I really miss you. This sat, I wanna hug and kiss you endlessly...I love you with all my heart!" - Francis

I melted when I read the message he sent a couple of days ago. And that was what I had been looking forward to the whole day today. Work had been tiring and my colleague hasn't been helping out much. Sadly, he seems to have been thrown off his mood.

I think it's why it's called sweet nothings...because sometimes...it's really NOTHING.

Save Me.

SAVE ME by Josh Verdes

Save me
I feel like I’m goin’ crazy
I’ve got this lady
She’s got me on my knees
I’m saying baby baby please
Don’t leave tonight without giving me
Some of your lovin’ it makes me weak
Somebody save me

And lately
I feel like I’m goin’ crazy
I’ve got this lady
The way her lips just move
The way her hips just groove
The feelin’ I get when she says my name
It’s a feeling that never feels the same
Save me

Coz I found the
Love that is one of a kind
This time I’m in for real
And I know I’m just way too deep
Someone, oh someone
Save me now

And lately,
I know I’m goin’ crazy
I’ve got this lady
You’re now that’s all I think about
The next time I can think around
I really don’t wanna feel this way
But I think it’s already way too late
Save me

I found the love that is one of a kind
This time I’m in for real
I know..I’m just way too deep
Someone ooohh someone
Save me

Coz I’ve been there way too many times before
And everytime I say it’s not gonna work
Not this time so…save me
Just save me
Somebody save me
Yeah…oh ohhh

Coz I found the love that is one of a kind
This time I’m in for real
and I know I’m just way too deep
Someone…oh someoneI said someone….
Save me now
Save me now…
________________________

Yes, I desperately need saving...this is the first time in many months that I'm this slumped. Again, I am alone. Like I've always been even in the company of others...always struggling with myself.

In the end, I know. There is no one but myself who I can totally rely on to be there for me, to console me, to believe in me and to cheer me on.

If I had known? Then why is this thought tearing me apart?

It hurts to know that you're alone. Even if it's by choice, even if you don't really have anyone...

But what hurts more is that knowing you have someone, even just one person, who could actually be there, but they're either too busy, not there (physically) or just doesn't care at all.

It's funny how I always, ALWAYS have proof of this:

"People always leave." - Peyton Sawyer

Yes It's not exactly very optimistic, and Peyton is not really a very optimistic character. She's got the goth drama thing going, and yet, that simple lesson is always right in my face. Right now, some friends of mine are in the middle of settling they're differences. It's not only their friendship that's on the line here, it's almost their lives, their hard work, and their craft. Yes, I do admit I have not been exactly that much of a friend to them but I think that to abandon all of their hard work and friendship because of some differences isn't worth it.

But then, sometimes not all things are good for us. And those that aren't are either taken away from us or leaves us because they are not meant to be in our lives forever, just to teach us something.

Oh well. I guess, that's really how life is. There are no keepers, or ever afters...just lifetimes.

Can anyone spell T-I-R-E-D?

This is like the first time I'm going to rant about work being too tiring! I mean I love my job and I've never really complained about it, but really this one is like most tiring week of my life. My only consolation is I get to see my boyfriend once in a while and get a hug to chase all the weariness away. I am super happy that he lets me go and hug him after work whenever I can. :)

Sana Maulit Muli

I was watching this film earlier on cable, simply because there wasn't anything more interesting to watch. The story is all about a couple who had to separate because the heroine was set to migrate to the US. And the hero, urged her to go so that she can learn to be more independent. And as most stories go, the girl had a hard time adjusting but soon got used to it and was able to cope with the lifestyle. The hero, in his effort to win his love back has decided to go to the US and woo her back only to realize that they've drifted so far apart.

So, while I was seeing this I started to wonder about how my relationship will take this, in the event that one of us leaves for work. I'm not sure if the relationship can handle that much strain. We haven't really been together that long, admittedly up to now, we are still getting to know each other. Plus the fact that I still stand insecure to his hoardes of girls. I mean I don't think I'll ever get over it. They're just too many! I was browsing his friends list and almost everyone on his list is a girl! I mean what about those girls who aren't in his list? And most of the people his inbox are also girls! Argh. I mean with the proximity, the fact that we dont really have the super duper tight bond as a couple yet, whose to say that he wont find someone else. There are couples who have been together for years and yet when one of them leaves, the relationship also dies. Paano pa kaya kami? Hay, I'm going crazy.

Anyway, so there, I've let it out. At least that's another thing I don't really need to think about that much...*sigh*

Can't my brain rest for awhile? *looks up* I knew I should've stuck to The Untalkative Rabbit on Disney! Argh!

Random thoughts...

I'm considering moving to QC near work.

I can't take the commute to and from work, plus I'll be able to save on my expenses.

I have to check with my Aunt if I can live with her, but...there's no AC.

Random Question: How do you (yes you!) feel when I cry? I just thought about it, triggered by somethng a friend told me, you seem not to care even if I'm crying. I just realized that when we fight and I start to cry you just sit there, and you seem to be so cold hearted.

I looked like a first time promdi when I went to Trinoma this morning when I reported to work. I must've looked silly.

I love the "Greenbelt" side of it!

Can I stand living with cousins who don't talk to me?

I want to go to bora.

My neck still hurts.

The cute guy from FOH has a pink phone...and I think he wants to have the same PINK phone that I have. BWAHAHAHAHA Oh well.

I miss Andre, my Bubu's so kulit nephew! I'm going to bake him cookies, with less sugar one of these days. HAHA

Bad back again! Argh!

Que Horror!

I have a secret. I can't tell yet. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone, except my family. My boyfriend, I actually hesitated to tell him. I don't want anyone to put any negative energy into the plan. But...it's unavoidable...some people found out either from me, from my mom, my boyfriend or whatever.

I hope it's not gonna affect the plan in a negative way. Everythings just right where it's supposed to be, it looks so promising. I just don't want anyone to chase it away. I have to purge the negativity.

PURGE, PURGE, PURGE...

People I Admire.

This is an excerpt from my personal journal. I only admire a handful of people, whom I know personally, in my life. This is who and why:

Mom - Takes care of the family, patient, understanding and tries her best.

Papa - He is my best example of unconditional love, good provider.

My fave aunt - imparts knowledge and wisdom to others, selfless, optimistic, succesful and humble.

My fave uncle - Inspires others to be the person that they can be, optimistic, full of wisdom.

My Boyfriend - He has a great ability to love, understanding and patient to an extent, Optimistic, motivates me to be the woman I can be, sees the good in me even the ones I can't see.

Antonette Maniquis - HANDS DOWN, the best friend one can have!

Manel Castro - Hardworking, determined, great friend, listens well.

Kevin Pajado - Reliable, understanding, and he's a good man.

Farah Abu (singit lang to hehe) - Independent, creative, great company, great friend, honest, tough even with the frail exterior, fighter.

My commitment to change.

Let's face it, we all have things in us that doesn't help us blossom into the wonderful beings that we are and should be. I know I do, and I am fully aware of them. Plus, the fact that it's practically getting drilled to my head by my ever reliable boyfriend.

My commitment to change is 5 days in a week. But I'm not sure if I am actually achieving this. I think I need to recheck my contract with myself. But the thing is how exactly do you just stop being what you've been used to be BE? Get it?

My boyfriend, he just says "Get over it!" or "Then change it!" And I think at that instant he expects me to just be "over" with it or that I "change" it. Whatever that is. But it's really not easy. I doubt he ever does that.

You know how they say, "Old habits die hard."? I guess, it's got a lot to do with how determined I am to change and to accept these changes in my life. I have to detach myself. And that's just what my fuckin' problem, I can't detach easily, it's always a struggle.

My Vision Splendid.

I've been reading this book BE, and one of the questions there is: What's your vision splendid? How do you see yourself? What kind of people are you with? What are you doing? Where do you live?

I smile, I close my eyes and I start to see my life's vision, where I want to go, what I'm aiming for now: I want to be able to enjoy my life with my family while being able to enjoy my life's passion for cooking.

I used to worry so much about the future. That I may not be able to achieve it. The book's opened my eyes to the possibilities, it's taught me to believe in the abundance of the world, so I may be able to enjoy it. I realized that I've so much baggage to let go of to be able to travel light, not be slowed down or be worn out by all that excess and unwanted thoughts and feelings. I have a lot of dreams and aspiration and to achieve them I have to believe and see myself doing them.

Yes, believe in the abundance of the world.

Intuition and Cynicism?

Sometimes, when I'd get to thinking about things, recently about my relationship I'd have "unwanted thoughts" come into my head. You know the usual things like, does my boyfriend really love me? Is he cheating on me? Does his "girl friends" know he already has a girlfriend? And the list can just go on every night. You get my drift?

I'd guess, I'd have to say it stems from previous failed relationships. Guilt on something that I've done in the past, maybe I've overlooked a possible bad karma. So I began to wonder, is it intuition? Or pessimism and cynicism?

How do you tell which is which? Once or twice in the past my intuition or paranoia had been right when it started nagging on me that my ex was cheating on me. And they say that a woman's intuition is so strong, it's almost always right. There had been time's I've proven that. So when can you call it intuition? When are you just being paranoid?

Things to do:

Random order:

1. Land a job.
2. Study kaballah.
3. Read the Coelho books I was given last Christmas.
4. Scan all my recipes, encode and add necessary notes and pictures.
5. Get notes from Sonia.
6. Pamper myself. (I seriously need to chillax.)
7. Take pictures.
8. Spend time with some friends.
9. Sponsor a thanksgiving mass.
10. Cook for my boyfriend's mom.
11. Cook for my boyfriend. Teehee.
12. Host a dinner with select friends.
13. Get away with my boyfriend. Somewhere with sun, sand and sea!
14. Shop for myself. Hehe (Books, lingerie, jeans, shoes, flipflops, sandals)
15. Buy my boyfriend a birthday gift.

Top priority is the job so I can do number 15. Nyahehehehe.

BE.

Lately, I've been reading a book titled "BE" by A.C Ping. I'm picking up a lot of things from it, but the problem is I don't quite know how to apply to my everyday life. Take for example what happened the last couple of days, how do you stop reacting to that?

When I opened my friendster page, I saw that my boyfriend has updated his profile 2 days ago. Naturally as I always do I clicked on his profile to see what was new. To my surprise he's changed his status from in a relationship to single. And even before I can start telling myself that it was just a profile, I had already started feeling a pang of pain in my heart. I started resenting him for a lot of things that I have kept from him, things that had me feeling bad about myself as his girlfriend.

And while reading the book, I came across a chapter that talked about not falling prey to these sort of reactions. They leave you distressed, bothered and miserable. And truthfully, the last couple of days, I have not spoken properly to him. I was miserable, I cried every night until I fell asleep, and I thought about all sorts of nasty things he can be doing behind my back, without any proof that he was actually doing anything.

So how exactly do you stop reacting to these things, where your heart is already being stirred before your brain can even start analyzing and rationalizing the situation? And I wondered how the author learned to do all of the things he's written in the book, what sort of experiences did he go through to achieve that much wisdom?

I wish I can be like that. I wish I had that much power. Not to be a slave to my emotions. Not to cling so much to something or someone, because these things aren't permanent. To act on my vision, to act on my passions, to stand up to my values and principles. I'd like to believe that I could...BE.

Can I mean something else to someone?

You know that feeling that even when he tells you he loves you, you just can't help but feel insignificant? Yes, I'm having one of those. It's been three months of bliss, anxiety, petty fights and what not.

I don't question that he loves me. But sometimes, there's just things that he does that makes me momentarily numb up. Reel from that pang of pain I feel. I'm sure he doesn't mean, maybe half the time he is unaware. So I chose to keep it. To nurse the pain away, but then it happens again. And again, and you just can't help it anymore. You break down.

To some it's nothing. And I tried to make it seem like nothing several times. Talked myself down, consoled myself, slapped myself several times just to shake it all off. I smiled. Sometimes, I think I smiled too hard.

Sometimes, I hate myself for looking at things that can possibly hurt me. Yes, I saw you updated your profile, added a picture and I clicked to see what was new. Then there it was, nahulog ang puso ko. The questions and pain started to well up, the instantaneous effort to tell myself it's nothing and the fighting back of tears. Pain. I have very low tolerance for pain, and my emotional pain translates to physical pain because I try to keep it locked up inside. Instead of crying, I fought back the urge. I started having difficulty breathing, and I felt defeated. Tears started to stream down my cheeks.

A friend of mine said it's just a profile. But why does it cause me so much pain? He is right. Another friend said it's not JUST a profile. When your heart can't shake the feeling off then it matters.

So ultimately, I asked myself:

Who am I to this person?

Is my pain worth it, whatever he is thinking or doing?

When is he going to be proud to be with me?

If he thought that I was too much for him, then why does he end up taking these feelings for granted?

Where do I stand?

Why does it seem that he still wants to be with other girls, because it seems he still wants them to think he didn't have anyone?

I didn't force him to be with me, he was the one who made that choice, right? So why do I deserve this?

I want my own life.

I'm 24. I know I'm an only child, but I've already lived most of my life trying to please this entire family. It's time to live it my style. I know I still have to follow the rules, it's your house anyway, but still. I know some people who still lived with their parents but still enjoy their lives without having to endure half an hour or so of sermon, or cussing.

I'm 24. I'm no longer your baby girl. I'm entitled to mistakes and lessons. I'm entitled to a night or two of partying. I've never gone home drunk. I've never drank and driven the car home. I never came home with news that I rammed the car somewhere. You've never been summoned to a precinct or hospital because something bad has happened to me. I've been able to take care of myself.

I just want to live a little bit, without having to come home to a bunch of people berating me for it.

I've just been to Moonlane Gardens...

I know, I know. I've ranted about the unexplainable ties that bind my bff and these guys. One of the reasons why some friendships have been forgotten and left broken. But, I admit that I had good times with them, under the influence of course! HAHA And I am happy for the blessings that they have received. It's very much deserved by them. Talented bunch of people.

It's been fun seeing those people I used to hang out with all the time before. I don't really get to see them much, since I haven't gone to any gigs the past months. I missed some faces but nonetheless it was fun. I found myself lost and alone a couple of times. It felt like I went to the bar alone. One of those things I said I'd do before I die. HAHA Well, I did go to the bar alone but I was meeting friends, but since they're busy and waaay too involved with the launch I wasn't going to get in the way of that. So I stood in some corner smiling and saying hi to those they introduced to me, watching and laughing at the scene before me.

It's official, I'm old. My ears started to ring from the blaring speakers, I started to wish I had earplugs. I didn't quite enjoy it as much as I used to. But I'm there for support and some good ol' music. :) It's a nice break from dinner, coffee and doing whatever my boyfriend wanted to do. :) Maybe I should go back to embassy next time. HAHA. See, if I have indeed outgrown it. But I know time and again I'd feel the need to party like I used to.

And oh, there's this scary looking foreigner who'd bump into me to mouth "Galing noh?" or "Bulacan, yeah!" Bleaurgh! Seriously. I ended up nodding my head and smiling. I inched away from him the first chance I got! HAHAHA

Now we all know how to go there! Grab a bottle of beer or vodka, we're all walking! :)

PS: Please get yourselves a copy of Moonlane Gardens Orange and Lemons' 3rd album!

I broke my heart.

I was with him yesterday. I wasn't feeling well but I willed myself to go see him, because I missed him. When I was with him na and when I told him that I wanted to go to mass first he started walking fast. He actually left me to look at his back briskly walking past, not even caring to look back to see where I was. And then I wondered if he'll notice if I was no longer following him, would he look for me if I suddenly left. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I began to pray to God to make him look back and stop and wait for me, but he didn't. He stopped only when he found that there was no mass. So he waited until I got to where the chapel is to tell me. And he proceeded inside. I sat a couple of pews from where he sat. And I prayed. After I stared at his back. And began to ask God why things are changing between us. I watched him, and I remembered how I prayed to God for someone to love and someone to love me. And how right then and there I felt us drifting apart. And how my heart ached at this thought. A few more minutes, I watched him take his glasses off and he knelt to pray. I contemplated if I will wait for him to finish or if I'm going to sit beside him and wait there. After while I stood up and sat beside him. I tried to meditate. But I couldn't, I was consumed by the sadness that I felt. He took my hand and I dismissed the feeling. I chose to enjoy being with him.

Today, I told him I was letting him go. I don't know if I made the right decision. Surely, after I've cried all the tears I can afford to cry, I will hate myself for choosing to set him free. But I don't want to hurt anymore. And I don't want to hurt him anymore. I can see in his eyes that he's not happy. His eyes didn't sparkle when he looked at me. It used to, and how I loved it when it does. It's been 2 months and I still don't know how to talk to him about how I felt. We never talked about how we felt.

I admit, I wish I can take it back. But the ball is now in his court, he can choose to play the game or to stop. But maybe getting no reaction from him is enough, and I can start speculating about how he truly felt about me, about us. God, I wish he'd choose to stick it through. But wishing doesn't do anything.

It's painful, to wait, here. To wait and then find out that it's exactly what he's been wanting to hear. It's painful to wait and feel your world crumbling down, slowly, painfully taking it's time. And what kills is that maybe to him, it's like nothing happened. While I'm...dying.

...

My Prince,

I miss you.

My heart bleeds from the longing I feel.

My Prince, I miss you...

The inner struggle...

I've always pondered about life, my life. I always searched for something that I think I'm missing. I'd read books or magazine articles that taught me that it's okay to dream, that it's a choice to be happy, that being positive brings out the positive things in your life. Sadly, I am always at a loss of how to apply these things to myself.

Even if I shared these things to friends when they go through difficult things, and I appear to be someone whose full or wisdom and knowledge, the truth is I'm not. It's not that I'm faking it. No. It's just when I'm faced with my life's adversities instead of remembering the lessons I learned from reading or from previous experience I breakdown. I choose to be weak. I choose to be ignorant. I choose to lose.

I know I can be happy but I choose not to be. I know I can win and be the best but I choose mediocrity. I know life is simple, I can choose what I want to experience in my life but instead I choose to stay conflicted, lost and wallowing in misery that is not even existent.

I know what it's like to choose happiness. I've experienced unexplainable happiness just by choosing that it is what I want to experience in my life. I've lived out magic moments that I never thought I'd actually experience in my life. Why then am I settling for mediocrity if there's such that I KNOW I can experience and have?

Because...maybe it's human nature to be such. Because we refuse to consider that maybe, just maybe, that sort of life - a life that's light and free, is possible. We have all resigned ourselves to what society says that life is. It said that "Life is hard." When it's not, it's really not THAT hard. It's actually simpler than we think. Much much simpler than we think.

My legs hurt...

I'm idle. I miss running around in that smelly kitchen trying to perfect all my tasks. *sigh* My legs hurt from not standing 7-8 hours a day. I miss the waiters barking orders or asking me to fix them a sandwich. HAHA

Anyway...I hope to start working again soon! :)

A Series of Unfortunate Events.

I just noticed that ever since I got together with my Bubu, we have had a series of unfortunate things happening to us.

1. The corinthian hills incident.
2. $100.
3. Bubu got robbed today.

Is the universe telling us something? Or is it a test of whatever? Maybe karma, for the little white lies. Oh well. I hope we have learned our lessons.

I miss...

I've been reading the Prince letters...hahaha...no the ones he wrote. I kinda miss them.

"You are my end...to be profound as possible, I chose you. I will continue to adore you."

- My Prince

Wala lang, it made me smile...

Fudge and whole lotta shitty more!

Owgademmit! I just weighed myself and tantananan!!! I just gained 2 pounds!!! Two freakin' pounds that I worked so hard to lose. I am so going back on my half cup of carb a day diet. Okay so the last week I was with my Bubu almost everyday, except Sunday (ayos ka, Sunday pa talaga!), so I heard mass with my friend Manel. But let's not even go into the details of what the homily was about. *snickers*

Since I'm always with Bubu, he makes me finish my meals every time, even if I am close to throwing up already. I know, some people don't eat even a single meal in a day, but can't I just take home the rest? WAH! So, I'm going on a hunger strike. Hay. This is getting me depressed, AGAIN! And I just got out of the emo mood I was in last Sunday. Anyway...oh well...and I'm gonna haul my mom's ass to walking!

I'm starting to miss my Bubu! *someone bitch slap me!*

Lost Sunset...

I was on my way home and I noticed that glorious sun just starting to change the sky's palette of the usual bright white light to a subdued yellowish and pink glow as it sets amidst the towering skyscrapers of Fort Bonifacio. How I wish I had my camera with me.

Now that sunset is lost. Next week, I will go and find that sunset again. :)

Timing...

You know how people say that everything is all about timing? Or that in God's will everything will fall into place. Or that everything is beautiful in God's time?

I was talking to Mom and she was telling me about timing. How she now understood why she came to the US at that time, and how she met dad at the right time, where dad was just about ready to get serious with life and stuff. So anyway, I started musing over this tiny bit of wisdom and learning. I wondered, if timing is everything, did I enter my boyfriend's life at the right time? And when will the right time to go abroad come? Will everything else that will happen (or those that's already come and gone) come at the right time?

That everything does not merely happen by coincidence...it happens because the time is right for it to happen.

Rambling and not making sense...argh!

People come and go...

This is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn and experience in my life. Sadly, as we grow, there are pieces of us, parts of our lives that we leave behind. This doesn't exclude lovers, friends and family. It's sad that although you go through the hardest things with someone, this doesn't assure you that this person will stay in your life.

As we grow, we can't help it. We change, we start to look for things that fit into the kind of life we would like to lead. And sadly even if we don't want to, to be able to gain something, we must also let go something else. A lot of things cannot coexist. A lot of things can only be good for you at one point.

I've lost a lot to these so-called changes. And it's not going to stop. As I continue to gain...I will also continue to lose another.

Julie: It's just weird how time erases things.
Fern: Time doesn't erase things, people erase things.
Julie: Yeah, people erase people.

- Excerpt, Jawbreaker

Flowers...

I just read this thread, the girl is asking if it's considered shallow that she's wondering why her boyfriend doesn't give her flowers. Hellooo! Of course it's shallow!

Okay I'm not saying I don't like flowers. I do. I love yellow roses. And I appreciate being given them, although I prefer the potted kind. But these so called signs of love or signs that you're special to someone will die, wilt and shrivel up to an ugly piece of mess. Not to mention, it stinks and tends to become a breeding ground for mosquitoes.

How come some people notice it when they're given flowers or anything else for that matter but don't notice what someone does to make them happy? How come you feel special when you're given flowers but not when he's taking time off from work to spend time with you? Stuff like that? Duh!

Flowers die. Even potted ones will die. But simple gestures like bringing you home to make sure you got home okay, or maybe giving you 100 g of your fave candy from Candy Mix are better than a bouquet of expensive flowers.

Cynical. Is it because those people who gave me flowers turned out to be jerks. HEHE.

I JUST WANNA BE ON THE BEACH!

And get a scorching SUNBURN! Owww yeah! Nothing will make me happier right now than a beach front casita, preferably with a hammock or lounge chair out front, the bright sun, the smell of my suntan lotion and of course my beau. HEHE

I want to stare at the clear blue sea.

I want to drink cool coconut juice from the coconut fruit...

Or maybe try that chic pinacolada...or that ever refreshing mais con hielo...

I want to feel the sand under my bare feet.

I want to feel the sun's skin piercing heat.

I want to sit and watch the sun as it sets at the horizon.

And when I wake up the next day, I will sit and watch the sun rise to a brand new day.

And of course not forget to take pictures...

Just a beach...it doesn't even have to be Boracay.

Slumped...

I seriously need to party.

I wonder what my friends are doing right this moment. Seems they've forgotten about me.

Dammit.

Copied...it made sense though...I can relate...

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again... For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person... in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else... Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little... As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right... Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger... So here's a piece of advice; Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough. And move on when things are not like before... It's certain... there is someone out there WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE...

Wise words from an unknown person:

A girl asked a boy if she was pretty.
He said no.
She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever.
He said no.
She then asked him if he would cry if she walked away.
He again said no.
She had heard too much.
She needed to leave.
As she walked away, he grabbed her arm and told her to stay, he said,
"You're not pretty, you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever. I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

If I could be any part of you, I'd be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.

This wise words of Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened!

The wise words of Oscar Wilde: A man wants to be a woman's first love, a woman wants to be his last.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER!

Laugh when you can,
apologize when you should,
and let go of what you can't change.

Kiss slowly,
play hard,
forgive quickly,
take chances,
give everything
and have no regrets.

Life's too short to be anything…but happy.