This Is It...For You.

It's Over
Jesse Mccartney

We've run out of words we've run out of time
We've run out of reasons really why we together
We both know it's over baby bottom line
It's best we don't even talk at all

Don't call me even if I should cross your mind
Hard enough I don't need to hear your voice on my messages
Let's just call it quits it's probably better
So if I'm not returning your calls it's 'cause

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone but baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryn to erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

I still wake up every morning quarter to ten
I still eat my cereal right at the kitchen table
I can't even remember how long it's been
No trouble stayin' occupied

Oh they ask about you whenever I come around
I do what I can not to put my business in the streets
Last thing I need's another episode
Keep conversation short and sweet because

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
'Cause baby it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

You know that it's over when the burnin'
And the yearnin' inside your heart ain't there anymore
And you know that you're through when she don't do to you
And move you like the way she moved ya before

And you wanna pull her close
But your heart has froze
You kiss her but her eyes don't close
Then she goes out of your heart forever
And it hurts you but you know that it's better

Girl you know it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over
'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over
-----------
Consequences of actions and words that weren't thought through. I loved you, with all my heart, with all I had, with all I am. But a heart can only take so much. And when a person continually neglects and hurts you there just comes to a point that you need to learn to love yourself all over again. Save yourself from more pain and heartbreak. This is when you just learn to let go, even with the greatest loves, if it is not treated fairly and justly, it wastes away.

Day One.

Chronicling day one of being miles away from my love. I started to cry the minute the plane started to back out of the concourse and out to the runway. Soon after the tears started falling, I fell asleep. I woke up and the captain was announcing lunch. I waited for my food and after eating I stared out my cabin window into the pitch black skies and started to cry again. I started to wonder why and what I was doing on that plane. I didn't have to go home. But everything had been too late for me to do anything about it. Stupid decisions had been made.

I fell asleep, and when I woke up we were approaching Guam and will be served breakfast. After refueling, we headed on to Manila. The final destination, and I started to fall into depression. I was able to sleep again and when I stirred we were 45 minutes from Manila. It's real. I am about to go back to my family, but I felt so out of place. I am not home. Home is not where he is not.

On our initial approach, I started to cry. I started to wish that I wasn't on that plane. I wish I could go back. Where I'd be home again. Argh. When we finally stopped at the gate people started clapping and I can only shake my head, and lower my head in sadness.

This is just day one...what will days 2 - 364 look like?

A World Of Psychos.

What does a girl have to do to get out of your mess man? I have your stupid girlfriends hounding me, nitpicking at my stuff, will you tell them that they can have you. I had been keeping to myself for the longest time. They revealed themselves to me. I did not want them to. Tell 'em to just fuck off.

PS. I Love You (AGAIN.)

I'm watching the movie again. This is officially one of my favorite movies! :) Gerard Butler is so HOT! HAHA.

No silly, just watch or read the book! :) You'll see. If you're not a hopeless romantic then it's futile.

Goodbyes.

I do this alot. Sometimes it's oppurtunity, sometimes it's circumstance, and sometimes I'm just running away. The thing is I HATE saying goodbye. So here I am. Fulfilling a promise I shouldn't have made. That is now in vain. Leaving my dreams behind and leaving my love behind.

It's funny, it feels alot like when I left last time. Cramming to spend time with family, friends and someone dear. Missing everything and everyone already. Trying to figure out how to come back, how not to lose what was started and what I hope to keep, and how not to hurt myself all over again.

Thing is, I dont want to say goodbye anymore. I want to stay.

Listening to...

Better In Time
by Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remaind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: X2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Pinoy Movies.

I am watching the Anne Curtis and Aga Mulach movie. It's funny...there are scenes that reminds me of somethings. Galing.

Oh well. :)

A Week.

I only have a week left here. A week to bask in magic and love. It's not much but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm just giving myself a couple more days to disclose some things that take time to discuss. And then that's it. I won't have to think about it anymore or mention it, unless asked.

I wish I didn't have to go. Sometimes, I feel stupid for making the decision to go home. I've always known what I wanted before. I don't know why I compromised my dreams like this. Argh. But things happen for a reason. (Crap, I dont know what's the reason behind this!)

But I guess I don't really need a reason, what's important was that it happened. And I'm meant to be here. I will understand soon enough, when everything comes to full circle. Moon is waning. :)

Magic Moments '08

Yihee. HAHA

One more time, and this time...I hope it's real. I haven't been this happy for a long time. I have actually forgotten it was possible. And I will continue to be thankful to God for showing me that there is more in store for me. That I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I really deserved.

Indifference.

The past few days have been really fun for me. I have actually forgotten about something or someone. I forgot I had to deal with it. But the thing is I stopped feeling already. I don't know how it happened but I did. I don't blame myself for it nor the other person. I know that God helped me come through, I prayed so hard to Him every night to protect me. And He did.

I guess the waiting changed me. It didn't make me more patient but it taught me to stop looking back and look forward. To accept it finally, heart and mind in sync. Closing cycles, its time to move with the wind and see where it blows.

Im just looking forward to better things. It's MY time. :D

Chicken Joy.

I dont really eat Chicken Joy alot, but since coming here to the US, I've had cravings. Especially when I am here in Los Angeles. So last night, what we did was get chicken joy to-go and then went up to Angeles Crest again. With a camera and tripod in tow. You know what I found out when I took out the tripod? The camera attachment was not there! Agggh! We were laughing at the predicament. I was laughing at myself for not even checking.

Randomly drove to Downtown Disney. I hope the real deal na one of these days. And just hung out at Starbucks while waiting for mom to come home from picking dad up at JPL. It was a chill night. It was fun. :)

Never Had So Much Fun.

For the first time I am having alot of fun here in LA. No offense to my aunt, but her idea of fun is going to the mall and shopping. And fun for her because she can afford just about anything. HAHA But I met some friends here who's showing me some fun! :D

Let's see, first there was a 80's-90's bar. And I ended up missing my bestfriend, she would've enjoyed that. Plus those fierce Kamikazes. Second was a rave party in Compton, which freaked my aunt out. Which eventually ended up in Hollywood too because it sucked. HAHA And then some late night chinese food. Third, Angeles Crest. Over looking the Los Angeles and Valley lights. That you could say for me was heaven. I just love places like that. Kulang nalang ng tequilla! HAHA But oh well, I dont have plans of getting shitfaced anymore.

Last two weeks. Have plenty to do. :)

True love does not grow with the number of lovers. It wastes away.

- Francesca Bruni, Casanova

Reminds me of something or someone.

Good Times.

Uh-oh. I'm in party mode. I am still hung over from last night and I have plans with friends to go out tonight too. Should be fun. Haven't done this in a while. But still it doesn't change things.

Things To Look Forward To.

Even if things had been hard for me the past weeks, I must say that I am looking forward to coming home in some way. I am not overly excited as I was before, but I want to see him again. I want to talk about us. I want to know what we are going to do.

I am also looking forward to a possible job in a hotel. I am looking forward to seeing my friends too. I've also missed them. I guess right now for me it's just to look forward. I've already surrendered it. I just have to move with it.

But there is really this big void in my heart right now, and it's hoping that things will be better for me. And hoping that our love has another chance.

Confessions Of A Broken Heart

This is not an attempt to turn the tide. This is me letting go (well, trying) and just letting it all out. I'm letting all the pains of my heart out in attempt to free myself from all the bottled up emotions. I want to tell my story. Then accept it happened. So, then after which I will forget it. And, hopefully...move on.

Like all little girls, I believed in fairy tales. One day I will meet my prince and he will sweep me off my feet. And once I got over my being Brian Litrell's wife fantasy, I started to wonder where my prince was. I had several mini-relationships and then I met my first love. We were together for a more than year. And then, we broke up. He met someone. I became bitter. I really thought that he was the one. I know it seemed to be ridiculous to hit the jackpot that soon. But you know, you are given feelings of being "the one". But I was wrong. I wanted to work things out with him. I begged him for another shot at us. But he said that he didn't feel the same way. And though it was a long, hard journey, in time I moved on.

With the help of school, work and friends I was able to forget about the pain he caused and just focus on the better things in my life. Little by little I thought less and less of him. I started to enjoy being single again. I started to enjoy my friend's company. I started to enjoy being alone. But still, I longed for my prince. I would think about him and me, holding hands and walking. I would dream about looking into his eyes. But I didn't know who he was.

I started to write him letters. Just things that say how I feel about him. And I was happy. Some of my friends thought it was ridiculous, but for me I knew in my heart that he will come to me one day. And I will love him like no other. And I knew he will do the same for me too. Soon after, I met someone. I knew he wasn't going to be good for me. I knew he was going to break my heart at one point. But I was blown away by the feelings that I believe God has given me. It was like magic. And I fell in love with him. I wanted him to be my prince.

And you know what the great thing was? He told me he wanted to be my prince too. He said he would end my fairy tale and make it real. And so I made the choice to let myself fall in love with him further. It was simple for me, I wanted him to be "the one."

We were together for 6 months and then I left. I followed my dream of working abroad. He let me go. I offered a practical solution. I asked him if he wanted us to break up and then maybe when I get home we can see if the feelings are the same and pick it up where we left off. He said that he wanted us to stay together. And with a happy heart I agreed. He assured me that he will be faithful. He said that he wont forget about our love and will not enter into another relationship while I was away. I hoped for the best as I always did. Before I left, we eloped. We had a small ceremony with two friends and a priest. It wasn't legally binding, but to me, the marriage is real.

I had my fears. I didn't want to lose him. But I knew that love can wait. I knew that once I've fulfilled my personal dreams, I can move on to fulfilling the dreams we have started to dream together. But I guess love wasn't enough. When you are lonely, how do you fight it? He strayed. He denied it to me whenever I brought it up. I felt it. I felt that something was wrong. I would have bad painful spasms in my heart at random times, and I knew then that there was something going on. But I didn't want to create so much tension between us so I tried to ignore it as much as I could. I pushed it back and tried to forget the thoughts. But still there is a lingering pain in my heart.

Several times, I am shown the truth and still, I ignored it. The hardest to ignore was the girl who told me about a past I never knew. A past he tried so hard to hide. He didn't think I can accept him for it. And it hurt, that he thought of me like that. I forgave him for it when he apologized. He said that he will not lie anymore. And that he loved me with all of his heart. All this time, he had been telling me that he had been faithful, that he didn't want to lose me. And there are moments where I would be so angry at him because of the things that had happened, I don't want to elaborate that much anymore. I keep asking myself if he really meant what he told me because I didn't feel that he did. But I continued to hope.

I made a mistake too. In my anger, and to make things even, I let go of myself. I did something I knew he had already done. Even when he denied it. And so I became no better than him. And now, the truth has come out. Every single disgusting truth, I don't know if there are any other truths out there. If so, I wish they'd reveal themselves now. But the questions are the same."If he was already with another girl? Then why did he tell me he wanted to work things out?" "Why would he say he loved me still?" "Why would he still call me his wife?" "Why me?" "What about the things he told me before I left, were they real?" "How do I know if this time it's the real deal?" "Does he really still love me as he did before?" "Or could it be because I had done so much for him, he was just ashamed to admit that he didn't anymore?" "Was it really just because he was lonely?" "Did he feel any real emotion for the other girl?" "Shouldn't he say that he cannot be with her because he loved me, and not because she's married?"

He said that the girl knew about me all along, but she liked him a lot. He said she was married and her husband loved her. She is married but the husband does not care about her, someone very close to her told me. And when I told him that it hurt that he loves her, he said that his love for her was just passing loneliness. It seemed like he was telling me that he didn't really love her at all. But she also said things that contradicted this. And I don't know what to believe sometimes.

I knew in my heart that I loved him. I did the things I did out of spite and anger. I knew it was wrong and I destroyed my own self in the process. I realized that I lost him a long time ago. I had been angry again. I was angry at him for trying to turn the tables on me, when all along he was the one who had been lying and cheating on me. It was an emotional shift from sad, to angry, and finally, I was just numb.

I have surrendered it to God. I asked Him to take it in His hands. And right at this moment I am acting on the feelings He is giving me. I rely on Him and His Holy Spirit to guide me and protect my heart from another blow. I asked Him to give me the strength to accept things as they come.

But you know what amazes me? When he asked me if we could try to work things out again, I said yes. We owned up to our mistakes and forgave. Though I am still trying to forget, I knew in my heart that my love for him will be enough to heal the wounds. My wounds. And I knew with time the pain will pass. I wanted my marriage. I wanted him. And if he kept his promise of being true not only to me but to himself, trust will be regained. I want to believe that people change if they really wanted to. I want to believe that he can change if he wanted to. I want to believe that love can heal even the most scarred hearts.

The hard part is not knowing what the future holds. Not knowing what is happening. There are times when my heart is griped by fear and uncertainty that this will work. There are times that I just want to know if it can work, because I didn't want to get hurt again. I've been hurt enough.

The hardest part is waiting. Waiting for the tides to change. Waiting for him to make a move, to make me see that we are going to make it. Waiting for him to send me a message everyday. I want him to let me know how badly he really wanted this. And that he'll do whatever it takes to turn things around. I do not mean to act like dead weight, but once he makes the move I will make mine. I will back him up and work with him to make everything right for us. I want to take his lead. After all he is the man of this house. He is the husband. I've already done my best for the longest time. And now it's his turn.

Sometimes, when I read other people's love stories I get envious. And I wish my love story will be the same. That love conquers all. I wish one day, I would tell my kids how hard it had been for us. And how we made it. And even if I wish I can protect my kids from the same kind of pain I felt. I know that knowing that every story has a happy ending will bring them comfort.

Working It Out..

We're trying. My friends and family don't particularly agree with me on this, but I still wanna try. I am sad about this. I keep thinking, what can happen for these people who mean alot to me to see, that maybe I deserve this chance. To be happy.

I do not know what other truths are out there. I am just asking God, to protect me. No matter what, not to forsake me, even if it seems that I am forsaking myself.

I Wanna Be Your Everything.

By Keith Urban

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
What I had never felt with anyone else
I wanna give back what you've given to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more than just your man

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And Be the hand that lifts your veil
And Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

When you wake up I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out to me
I'll cherish your words
And I'd finish your thoughts
And I’ll be your compass baby when you get lost

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
Be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

I'll be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything

-----
Stealing songs from other people's laptops. The lyrics to this song, struck me. HARD.

The Sad Word...Goodbye.

It's that time of the year. When peak season is up and I have to get up and leave. I made some really cool friends here in Cape Cod. Im really going to miss them.

I actually already miss the summer kids. Hargh.

That's What She Said.

Backstreet Boys

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

there are people who say what you wanna hear
even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear
when you really really love someone am i right
when i say that you want them near
and if you care you even tell them things
that they wanna hear

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
the simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said she said yeah

there are people
who say what they really mean
she said she'd always be there
she said she'd always care
but jsut when you think that you can trust that someone you love
tell me why do you know how stars can fall from above

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh ohho yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be togethter
thats what she said she said

cause you made promises that you couldn't keep (ooo)
but you're not hurting yourself
you're only hurting me
why would you say things that you really didn't mean
oh how can i make you see just what you did to me

ooh you said how much you really care
just when i thought i was in love
girl how could you care
if i were you i could not lie even once to the face of the one
that i love so much

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had.
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we're see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be together.
oh thats what she said.

----

I was walking to work in the rain, puffing a cigarette. And I remembered this song. And I remembered him. I thought I was going to cry. But I was just numb inside.

False Hopes.

I am one of the fools that don't really believe in destiny. I used to believe in fairy tales. In happy endings. Each time a friend tells me that "If you're meant to be with him, love will find a way." I make a face. I gave a retort. Because I don't know it just builds anxeity for me. Because I wouldn't know when will love find a way. If it will. If it is strong enough to do that. Or when things just become so bad, like it did for us, when we do meet again, how do you start to trust each other again with each other's hearts?

I never really had answers to those questions. And so I tend to think being meant to be means working things out as you go along. If you are meant to be together, then you will surpass it all.

Have you ever read The Notebook? Or perhaps seen the movie? Swans they say mate for life. In some weird way, I hope to see you in the next life when we are both swans.

A New Light.

For the longest time I've never really been friends with my mom. I saw her as someone who liked manipulating me to do things to her biding. I'm going through one of the hardest things I have to go through in my life. And even if I could talk to my friends I couldn't find the comfort I was looking for. And as ashamed as I am to confess to my mom the truth, I wanted to try.

So I called her and told her everything that has happened. Everything. I told her how all this madness started, the annulment, the pictures, the news that a friend of mine told me, the girl who emailed me and most importantly I told her what I did.

Of course she was shocked. I expected her to tell me that "Well, maybe you are not meant to be with him." She didn't, instead she told me that there is nothing I could do about it. But to wait. We'll wait and see how it goes when I go home, if we have that talk. And she told me to be careful and not to put myself in situations like that anymore. I deserved better than to be used like that. And when she said this I knew she wasn't talking about Francis.

For the first time in my life, I appreciated my mom for being who she is. And hopefully, I can start being a better child to her and my dad. I know that they also deserve to see me at my best.

Im Yours.

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap you thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours
----------

Maybe, a song for our future...

Breaking Up, Breaking Down.

I haven't slept at all tonight. Maybe a good hour. I was so disoriented. My heart was just racing and no matter what I did to calm myself, I just wasnt doing what I am supposed to do. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. This is going to be one long month.

I lost someone I love dearly last night. After almost a year of trying to stay together, another one bites the dust. I couldn't cry. I was rubbing my eyes last night to spill the tears out but I couldn't cry. I felt numb. Every hour I would check my phone and hope that he'd say it was a joke. At one point I woke up and thought that I was just dreaming. But I checked my phone and I wasn't.

Im shaking right now. Still reeling. But I still couldn't cry. You see, when I said that "I'm leaving it up to God's will." I was hoping it meant, we will weather the odds together. Oh well. I cannot help but feel that this is his way of getting away from the guilt. Like he is sitting back home, with his new gf. I gave him the perfect excuse.

Thing is, I thought he said that he can forgive me no matter what. I did the same for him. I thought we loved each other so much that we can see past through the ugly and still see a beautiful person. I loved him like that. I loved him through the pain he caused me. I forgave him for all his shortcomings. But I guess for some people, love is not enough to cover an offense, although the bible said it should.

I had been ready to give us another chance. The other night, I had a long talk with God, and asked him to take care of me. I surrendered all my fears to him, all the anxeity I felt, and left everything up to him. And everything started out good. In the morning we were talking again, like we normally did. Until I went home, and checked my stuff, everything went downhill from there. When everything seemed alright, that's always when it bites me back in the ass.

But maybe he's right, I have no clue what love is all about. Afterall I am nothing but a spoiled brat.

Re-learning The Alchemist.

"...before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved towards the dream. That's the point at which most people give up. Its the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."

- The alchemist, The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Well, isn't that so true. I'm almost there, I'm almost home but then I feel him becoming more and more distant. And I feel within me the resignation. The exasperation, of just seeing how things are going awry. I hope I get through it. I hope WE get through it.

"It is said that the darkest hour of the night came just before dawn."

- The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Just the Way You Are

Billy Joel

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
-------

My fave song off the restaurant playlist. I wish I can be loved this way. No need to force me to change or anything, just letting me become my own. Just opening a heart, enough for me to know what it holds. And eventually be part of. No pushing away, no ugly words, no conflicting actions.

I love him like that...

Summer is over.

It's 11 degrees celsius. Summer is over. I know because Richard also left. It's strange I'm sad he's gone. It's the universal truth.

"People always leave."

What's stranger is I miss him. Like I have become attached to him in some way that something is missing. Anyway, it's inevitable. We all knew we wont be seeing each other forever. It's just sad sometimes.

Shooting Star.

I was in the bar talking to some girls about dating and relationships. M, stressed out to me so many times how, it's good to meet or date alot of people. And she told me her relationship stories. It was fun hearing them. And I know somehow she is right. We all could use the experience.

But why is it when I looked up at the sky and found that shooting star, my wish never changed? Its still the same wish, prayer and hope. Him and Me, always, forever.

Finding My Way Back...

"One of the worst feelings in the world is having to doubt something that you thought was unquestionable."

A friend of mine sent me this quote way, way back. We were going through what seemed like the biggest heartbreak of our lives. I used to go to her house and we would smoke two packs of cigs and drink two cans of beer each. And ramble on and on about our lack of a decent man in our lives. Maybe she could relate to the message and she wanted to share it to me. And I could relate to it as well, because I had been there. Loving someone with abandon, believing that it's never going to end, and then it does. And you sit there, trying to understand what had happened, what led to that, what you did wrong, and what you could've done to prevent it. It would go on for a couple of months sometimes it would take more. And then you realize you wasted so much of your time analyzing when there is no way to bring that person back into your life. He chose that path, and you can wait forever for him to choose to go back.

A year ago, I left behind someone who meant alot to me. Sure, I may not have known him all my life, but I loved him like no other. I gave him all that I had. All that I can. And all that I can't. In my previous blogs, I said that I when I left I was full of faith that it was going to work out. I gave him options that seemed more feasible. More practical, and he said that we should stay together, and deep inside me that's what I really wanted.

Being with him was just different. I felt a different kind of peace in his presence, it's like everything is still, calm and nothing can harm me. I have gone through the hardest things the past few months, in our relationship. The things that happened, I have forgiven. The forgetting part is the hardest. I guess, no one ever really forgets, because no one is meant to. Thats why we are given memories to keep. That's why people who get diagnosed with Alzheimer's get sad about losing their memories, because no matter how painful it had been, the good times were all worth the pain.

But then, these things that I cannot forget, it sometimes get to me. Its gets me so bad I start to jeopardize what Francis and I have. If he wasn't this patient and (as I would like to think) if he didn't love me so much, he would've walked away by now already. Honestly, I dont know if I will find my way back, or if I will get lost again as I have many times.

But I do know, that I love him. And maybe thats enough for me to hang on too. That my own feelings haven't gone. That I still love him despite of it all.

I'm way down under.

Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot.

Toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot.

If I Fell.

if I fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
and I found that love was more
than just holding hands

if I give my heart to you
I must be sure
from the very start
that you would love me more than her

if I trust in you oh please
don't run and hide
if I love you too oh please
don't hurt my pride like her

'cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry
when she learns we are two

'cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry
when she learns we are two

if I fell in love with you

The Mystery Of The Depleted Checking Account.

I looked at my year to date earnings and I was shocked! Where did all that money go?! My eyes flew to my laptop. That was all I can really show for it. And to my horror I opened every single checking account, transaction book, and credit card statement I have. And there you have it. All of summer's earnings all in paper and not in the bank. All spent. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

If my boyfriend ever knew how much I spend on things like...3 laptop bags, why? Don't ask me?! He will strangle me. Well, maybe not. He never asks where my money goes, he's just not the type. Although he asked me to save. He knows how extravagant I can be. And I get anxiety on the thought that I am going home without anything to my name...except mountains of debts. Well...it's my own freakin fault. WAH! That last month in Arizona really did me in!

Diagnosis.

SHOP-A-HOLIC

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I almost maxed out my credit card again!

...

I recently joined a match site. A US based one since I'm here. I don't know why I did. I used to feel bad about Francis still on that matching site. I still feel bad about it. I don't know why I suddenly thought about joining. I know I'm not looking but...

What the hell. :(

Dont Think I'm Not

Remember this song?! HEHE

By Kandi

I don't have to question
Where you were last night
Cause I already know what you will say
I already know you'll lie

But I can't be mad at ya
Cause there's something that you don't know
That when your gone I do my own thing
Can I catch a bone? Why you dogging me?

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When I try to get your attention
You ignore me everytime
You were so caught up doing your dirt
That you didn't notice mine

Well I couldn't put up with your scheming
And I couldn't put up with your lies
They say two wrongs won't make it right
But we still didn't need this fight

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

Don't be surprised to know that sometimes women play the game
You may not believe it, but it's real
The game is so real, so real, so real
Oh, don't think we won't do it
When your out in the club....

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

Ying Yang.

My boyfriend has a habit of getting mad at me when I become negative. Don't get me wrong, I always try to be positive about things, and I have always been good at it. Wasn't it me who smiled through a horrible break up with a lying ex boyfriend? Wasn't it me who laughed my heart out even when things seemed bad? See? Positive.

Thing is, I wonder how positive he is. I mean, he always saw what was wrong with me? Does he ever see the good things I do? Does he even recognize them? Because as far as I can remember he always pointed out whats wrong with me. He never tells me why he fell in love with me? Why he still loves me. He doesn't. But he always tells me why he wonders why he even bother. You know what I mean?

Who's negative now?

Weird.

I have internet problems...but I can blog! I can access my google accounts but other websites I cant. This sucks!

Random

Sometimes, I wonder how life will turn out for me. I can't wait to see how great my future will be, but at the same time there is fear in me that's scared to find out that it is nothing like how I imagined it will be.

I am amazed at myself sometimes.

You know that feeling after having argued with someone, you are so mad or sad that you turn them away. But all you really want them to do is to stay. I'm like that. Sometimes, I would want him to take my hand or kiss the tears away. Or in our case, say something that will make everything right again, but sometimes he's too hard to break. So he doesn't but I wait. It doesn't erase the fact that I love him. So I just keep waiting.

I saw Lie With Me. Didnt really understand most of it. It was bordering soft porn. It was interesting though but kinda messed up.

Im trying to run away from someone who has been following me around like a sick puppy. Oh no, puppies are cute. Like a bad case of skin fungi then.

I dont like my schedule for this week.

Turks and Caicos...so near yet so far.

If You're Not The One.

By Daniel Bedingfield

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And know I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

A Keeper.

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery why it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why love grows and a mystery why some love fails. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons, causes, but you will never do more than take the life out of the experience. Just as life itself is more than the sum of the interest and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes at its one time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its many ways.

Sometimes, hopefully, at least once in your life, the gift of love will come to you in full flower, and you will take hold of it, celebrate it in all of its inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on. When this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves aways. When they fall out of love, or when the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to claim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on. They want answers when there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong with them that makes the other person no longer love them, or they try to get their love to change, thinking that if some small things are different, love will bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if they go away and start a new life together, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what has happened. But there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in the sea of misery. You need to treat what it brings to you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. LOVE JUST DOESN'T CHOOSE TO REST IN THE OTHER PERSON'S HEART.

If you find someone else in love with you, and you didn't love him back, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OR CAUSE PAIN. How you deal with love is how love deals with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys even if our love and ways are diffirent. If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or assess blame. LET IT GO. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time. Remember that you don't choose love, LOVE CHOOSES YOU.

All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts with empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to see love as something that flows to them rather than from them. The first blush of love is filled to overwflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead becomes someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has it's own time, its own season, and it's reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives, and give it away when it comes to you. But when it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing we can do and there is nothing we should do. Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad it came to live for a moment. Keep your heart open, IT WILL COME AGAIN.
______________________________
Just flitting thru stuff...

I remember my besty recited this to me over the phone one night. I thought he wrote it. I asked him to fax me a copy. (Di pa uso email nun!)

Dear John

Have you ever opened a book expecting a good story? You read it, at first it seemed to drag on for a couple of pages, and then at every turn of the page you realize, that the story, is somehow yours.

I picked up a book at CVS Pharmacy (for lack of other shopping places to look at). I chose it because it was written by Nicholas Sparks. It was a sure good read. And it is. But I realized in its pages I found my own love story, sort of.

There were parts where the feeling was so famillar to me. When John described the first time he met Savanah like he was drawn to her. And he realized he was falling in love with her even in the short time they were together. The feeling when he left because he had to go back to work. The feeling of desperation in trying to keep them together.

I knew all of it. I knew because I felt it. I know because I am still feeling all of it.

Indecent Proposal.

If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with.

- Diana Murphy

He let me go. He let me go after my dreams. And in a couple of months, I'll be back home. To him, I hope. I really hope.

I thought we were invincible. But now I know that the things that people in love do to each other, they remember. And if they stay together, it's not because they forget. It's because they forgive.

- David Murphy

I think I got the courage to leave because I thought that he really meant it when he said that he wanted me to go after my dreams. And I had so much faith in us that we were going to make it. He said he's changed. And I believe that people change, when they want to. I had faith that people can change for love and for themselves.

In the past year, we've been through a lot. Our relationship has had the highest of highs and the lowest of the low. Just these past couple of months we hit the lowest I can imagine. But I want us to rise up admist all of these. I want to come home and see him again. And this time we'll talk about our plans, this time we will be more than lovers, we will be friends. We wont waste time staring into nothing but instead we'll spend time holding each other's hands, making wishes, painting our future with our dreams and talking.

Yes, it was silly to think that absolutely nothing can shake us, what we are and what we have. The things I felt for him were so strong, it swept me away to a different world. Our feelings felt so strong, and maybe you think I was assuming too much but I felt it in the way he looked at me, the way he would touch me and the way he would hold me in his arms. I wanted to believe that God gave me him and therefore everything will be beautiful. I forgot that I am still alive, and living is not complete without the uncertainties, pain, and adversity. I guess for the most part I am scared that the same thing that has happened to me before will happen to me yet again.

I hope that my love story is different this time. That the fairytale has ended such as that my Prince promised, but it doesn't mean that it won't be a happily ever after.

Take A Bow

By Rihanna

[Intro]
Ohh, how about a round of applause,
Yeah, standin’ ovation,
Ooh ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

[Verse 1]
You look so dumb right now,
Standin’ outside my house,
Tryin’ to apologize,
You’re so ugly when you cry,
Please, just cut it out.

[Chorus]
Don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not,
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught,
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh ohh.

[Verse 2]
Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone),
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on (come on),
Talkin’ ’bout girl, I love you, you’re the one,
This just looks like the re-run,
Please, what else is on.

[Chorus]
And don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not (mmm),
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught (mmm),
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh.

[Bridge]
And the award for the best liar goes to you (goes to you),
For makin’ me believe that you could be faithful to me,
Let’s hear your speech out,
How about a round of applause,
A standin’ ovation.

[Chorus]
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow.

But it’s over now.

_____________________

Ehem. Song is nice. No further comment.

Why I Should Stop Reading Other People's Blogs.

"there are things in life worth not letting go.... just because you want to be something else, you'll have to risk losing them"

- Troll, college friend

I was just skimming along my multiply site, as usual, my only form of gossiping. HEHE And I chanced upon a blog by a college friend. He has always been interesting to me. Nonetheless, he was writing about leaving and not leaving for work abroad. He was writing about the reasons why he wont leave. And after he said what I have quoted, he posted a picture of the person he loves.

Which brings me to wonder? Why did I ever even think about leaving him behind? Did I think he wasnt worth it? That my dreams are more important to me? I guess, this is just residue from the whole ex thing. That I wont build my dreams around another person anymore or I will not compromise my dreams because of a guy, who will just inevitably leave me in the end. Hay.

Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful. It's for the bold.
It's for those willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love.
It's for those, knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.

- Pexer

I don't really know, it just seems to give me a pinch of hope for me and Francis. That after all the pain, the problems, the good, the bad, the worst, the best, the whatevs...WE will still work.

Waiting For Love.

Hey.

You know when you have nothing else better to do for the rest of your night, you start to flit through websites and read stuff. I was on this website, this girl is writing about love. She hasn't loved anyone since she broke up with her ex-boyfriend 10 years ago. Isn't that amazing?

But the thing is, it isnt. I get it. I might've not waited that long. But I know the feeling. Although I found it in me to let myself love someone again, there's always the fear of things ending up the way it did the last time. I did not wait for 10 years though. I found someone I fell in love with more than a year ago.

It took me awhile to recover from the pain. I went through a phase of self destruction, that wasnt obvious if you simply looked at me. A while back, I read a couple of blog entries I wrote about it. And even if it seemed so long ago, it still brought tears in my eyes.

It's funny, because I was telling my present SO all about forgiving and forgetting. I realized that I too have a lot of forgetting to do. I have forgiven but I think in a way when you get hurt, you never forget the pain. And that's where the fear starts to grow from.

Still watching One Tree Hill...

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.

I have my wish. And it's you.

Life Is Short.

*Sigh* Another proof that life is short. A friend of mine back in Arizona passed away. She wasn't even 30 yet. I am not sure of her exact age but she's probably around 26. She's a very nice girl. She always smiled and always said hi to me. She was going to get married next year. But I know she's in a better place.

RIP: Erin

Once and For All.

*deleted*

Im better than this. HEHE

Tips On How Men Stay Married.

1. Always put her first -- before work, friends, even basketball. Act as if she's the best thing that ever happened to you, because we all know she is.

2. Keep no secrets. Pool your money. Allow nothing and no one to come between you.

3. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they're hard to forget.

4. Fall in love again everyday. Kiss her in taxis. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she's beautiful. Then tell her again.

5. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now but one day they'll be gold.

6. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a Shop-vac let her pick it out herself.

7. Go to church together, and pray every day for each other and your marriage.

8. Pay your bills on time and make sure you each have a living will, a durable power of attorney and life insurance, lest, God forbid, you need them.

9. Love her parents as your own, but don't ask them for money. Never criticize her family or friends. On her birthday send flowers to her mother with a not saying "Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life."

10. Always listen to her heart. If you're wrong say you're sorry; if you're right, shut up.

11. Don't half tie the knot; plan to stay married forever.

12. Never go to bed mad; talk until you're over it, or you forget why you were mad.

13. Laugh together a lot. If you can laugh at yourselves, you'll have plenty to laugh about.

14. Never criticize, correct or interrupt her in public; try not to do it in private, too.

15. Remember that people are the least lovable when they are most in need of love.

16. Never fall for the myth of perfectionism, it's a lie.

17. When you don't like each other, remember that you love each other; pray for the good days to return and they will.

18. Tell the truth, only the truth with great kindness.

19. Kiss at least 10 seconds a day, all at once or spread out.

20. Memorize all her favorite things and amaze her with how very well you know her.

21. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car. Keep steering it on a path you both wanna go.

22. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally and never stop growing spiritually.

23. Never raise your voice unless you're on fire. Whisper when you argue.

24. Be both friends and lovers; in a black out light a candle, then make your own sparks.

25. Finally, be an interesting person, lead your own life. But always save your best for each other. In the end you will know you were better together than you ever could've been apart.

- Taken from Vitality, July 2008

All You Need Is Love.

“Love is the greatest of all risks. It is not reliable, it is not cautious. It is not sympathetic and it is merciless. It strikes the strongest of mind, and brings them to their knees in one blow. The risk of love never depletes, it grows stronger and more dangerous with time. It consumes your every thought and desire… and every breath you take. It is the fire that fuels you, to do more than just pass through life. It urges you instead, to live. No matter what the outcome, having felt love, you will never be the same. It may scar your heart and your soul, and leave you with only memories of forever. Or it may cause every day of your life, to feel like there is no need for tomorrow. Love is worth it. It is worth the risk. For in all of life, love is truly the only risk worth taking.”

This is just a week full of copied things off of other blogs. Something rather interesting has happened to me. A person who told me she didn't want to hear from me again emailed me again. I rather understand what shes going through. Rough. Been there. First there's Pain, Denial and Bitterness. I saw her go through it. I went through it too before.

Well, anyway Francis and I are doing much, much better. Which is great. Right now I am feeling so tired. As in physically, emotionally and mentally drained out. Maybe it was the past few weeks, or maybe it has been the past year. It's just different. It used to be that whenever I felt weary, Francis has been there to alleviate the weariness. A ready smile, a big hug and a tender kiss was enough to make me feel better. But now, I cant get any, for obvious reasons. There's so little outlet for the weariness. That its all trapped within. Hay.

Oh well.

The Sacrament Of Waiting.

by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.

The English poet John Milton once wrote that those who serve stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakeable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts than all the great deeds of derring-do that go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery—a natural sacrament of life. There is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting—testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in our self-control—pasensya na lang. We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations, and bus depots are temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one—or wait in sadness to say goodbye and to give that last wave of hand. We wait for birthdays and vacations; we wait for Christmas. We wait for spring to come or autumn—for the rains to begin or stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next step. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success, and recognition. We wait to grow up—to reach the stage where we make our own decision.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is part of the tapestry of living—the fabric in which the threads are woven that tell the story of our lives.

Yet the current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. “Grab all the gusto you can get.” So reads one of America’s great beer advertisements—Get it now. Instant pleasure—instant transcendence. Don’t wait for anything. Life is short—eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you’ll die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom—premarital sex and extramarital affairs—they warn against attachment and commitment, against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us, against vows and promises, against duty and responsibility, against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and to wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure—but even that is fleeting and doubtful. What was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure? “Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated.” Now if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, souls as well as heart, we have to learn to love someone else other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery brushing by our face everyday like stray wind or a leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has ever loved knows how much waiting goes into it, how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this so? Why can’t we have love right now—two years, three years, five years—and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit, the seed to flower, carbon to change into a diamond.

There is no simple answer, no more than there is to life’s demands: having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have already made other commitments, or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives, having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your path. Goodbyes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth—the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we love them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting—of being present without making demands or asking rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other until they can see things the same way, or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. What do we lose when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance and intimacy of the way they were? They have to wait—in silence—but still be present to each other until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory, and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait? When we try to find short cuts through life, when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of ever truly loving or being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature. Isn’t it of their very essence that they are filled with the strange but common mystery—that waiting is part of the substance, the basic fabric—against which the story of that true love is written?

How can we ever find either life or love if we are too impatient to wait for it?
_____________
Got it from Ella's multiply site.

Wedding remnants...

I was at church today, sleepily listening to the homily, when I noticed a blue pamphlet. I took it and saw that it was a programme for a wedding held at the church yesterday. At the back, it read:

"Nothing is more practical than findng God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, what you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

- Rev. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

I couldn't think of anyone else but Francis. I blinked back tears. Why are there always tears when I think about him? Why is there a slight pang of pain in my heart? Is it because I miss him? Or because I remember the things that hurt me? Or because I honestly dont know where I am in his heart right now?

Before I left everything was set. We planned to get married as soon as we have enough money for a wedding and enough money to start us off a life together. When I got back he said that we will start to live together, because he couldnt stand being without me anymore. He said he didn't care what my folks thought of it. When I got back a condominium will be waiting for me and him to live in. He wanted 3 kids to start, but as we talk about it some more he would add until he just said, "I want plenty of babies!" I don't easily forget the things he says espescially the things that made me smile. You'd be surprised with all the things that I still remember.

I secretly pictured living with him in my mind. I'd pretend to be waking up beside him instead of my room mate. I'd smile at the thought that I'd be preparing his breakfast for him, preparing his clothes for work on the bed. I'd pretend to have strong lean arms pulling me towards him at night.

So many dreams. And now, I dont know how tomorrow will look like. All I know is that, all of this is for love.

Heaven.

I just put down my copy of The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. It was a good story. But kinda over rated for all the raves I got for it. Although it wasn't bad. It was good. The chapter that touched me most was when he was with his wife, Marguerite. It was heart wrenching. Is that what true love is? That when the person you loved has gone they can still feel the love that you had for them in after life.

"Life has to end." She said. "Love doesnt."

I think I rather like that kind of love. If heaven is like what the story says it is then I will not take my own life, like I sometimes want to, so I can have my own choice of what kind of heaven I want to live in.

If I could choose it: I would choose a heaven that is peaceful where I sit in a bench cozied up to the one I love. Where we are safe from the beatings of the cruel world. Where we are safe from people who wants to see us apart. And I will wait for him there.

Confusing.

Eons of blog entries back, I said I wanted to keep my life simple. I do. I really do. But it's hard! Situations, feelings and everything else in between is making it hard. I wish it was that easy to say everything is okay. But it's not.

Right now I am very confused with what he says and what he does. I wish everything was just consistent. Everything in black and white. No grey areas. I hate being in the grey area where no is sometimes a yes, and yes is never what it seems to be.

Back To Square 1.

I'm home alone again
And you're out hangin
with your friends
So you say
Somehow I know it's
not quite that way
It's getting pretty late
And you haven't
checked on me all day
When I called you didn't answer
Now I'm feeling like
your ignoring me
I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms

And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

I wish I wasn't
in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
it just ain't fair the
way you treat me
No you don't deserve me
Wasting my time thinking
bout you when you ain't
never gon change
I wish I wasn't in
love with you so I
wouldn't feel this way

When you touch me my heart melts
And everything you did
wrong I forgive
So you play me and take advantage
Of the love that I feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you
that's why I'm so mad
Now I'm drowning in disappointment
And it's hard for me to
even look at you
And I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms
And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

Said you care about me
But from what I see
I ain't feeling that
So I disagree
Gave you all my love
And understanding
And you're treating me
like your enemy
So leave me alone
Don't want nothing from you
Just go back where you came from
This house is no longer your home
You are not welcome no no no more

Hear you knockin' at the door again
I'm wonderin' should I let you in
I open up the door and see
The flowers for me
so beautiful in your hands
you stopped begging me
to take you back
I've always been a
sucker for romance
And before you know
it I concede
You're all over me
Oh no here I go again
I wish I wasn't in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
_______________________________

Why is it that I always, always end everything with this song. Argh. :(

When I went to church this morning towards the end of the mass, the priest called out to a couple who wanted to renew their vows. They were together for 65 years? Wow, can you imagine? I mean, some people get so annoying as they grow old. Some people are just annoying. Period.

And then tears started to roll down my eyes, father said something like "it has not been an easy journey together, i am sure there are hardships and trials, father we ask you..." That was it, a line that I will always remember. 65 years. I wonder what they went through together. Is it anything like what I am going through right now?

Closing Cycles...

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Last Letter.

Hey,

You know very well how much I loved you. When we first met, I remember how scared I was to fall in love with you because I didn't want to get hurt. I looked at you and I saw a person who was just going to jerk me around, like most of them did. But as I got to know you better, I thought that it was safe to let me guard down. To let you in. And my life changed. Wanting you to become my prince was different from actually living it. Now, my letters are especially meant for someone.

I know perfectly well that fairytales are too good to be true, but the only thing that seemed simillar to fairytales and real life are the challenges along the way before they live happily ever after. You showed me how to love without your presence, and even love greatly when I was finally with you.

I know I hurt you when I left. It was cruel. We were just starting out together and I had to leave. To fulfill my dreams. I know it seemed that I didn't have dreams with you in it. I did. I have plenty. But I thought to myself we have our entire lifetime to build them. And I only had this moment to fulfill mine. I was selfish. You had every right to be mad at me for leaving.

I felt you get angry. I felt it. I deserved every hurtful thing you said to me. And maybe I deserved the way you sometimes treated me. I want to make things better for us. Whenever I tried to talk to you about us, you always seemed to be eager to make things work between us. Which meant alot to me. I cannot wait to go home to start doing this with you, working things out. But there is also a part of me that asks "What if we cant work it out?" I dont know. I am selfish again. Because I dont want to go home and face that. I can't. It's too painful to lose you.
You told me many times that I was the greatest/best thing that happened in your life, but why don't you treat me that way anymore. Sometimes I want to walk away from you. But I am scared you will just watch me leave. You wont run after me. You won't talk me out of leaving. Walking away is not because I do not love you anymore. Sometimes people walk away because they want to know how much a person loves them. Sometimes people break up with you because they want you to want them back. But then there are people like you, people who are proud. I don't blame you. You had your share of experiences, that led you to the person that you are right now.

I just wanted to love you. At first I was content just loving you. Until you said, you loved me back. And it was the best kind of love I have experienced in my life. But it's changed. Like the wind, like footprints in the sand, it's slowly getting washed away. I want the pain to stop. And just love you all over again. And you can love me all over again too.

You always told me that love can wait. I want to hold on to our promises and vows. To the plans and dreams that we have together. But those fantasies has to stop. I am not putting false hopes on our love that was lost. I walked away not because I stopped loving you. I walked away because it's time to face the truth. People change, feelings fade away, and you were also susceptible to that. I dont know what the future might have for me, if along the way I will see you again. You weren't even kind enough to respond to me. I guess that was it. I knew it, you would let me walk away, maybe because you didn't care enough run after me.

I loved you. A person just has to know when to accept defeat and let it go.

Summer.

Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where it's always summer? Or since the world turns and that is impossible then live in places where it's summer time so all of your life it's always summer!

Like:

Summer in Phils is March to May
Summer in US is June to September
Summer in Australia December to Feb

So I just have to figure out where to go on October and November, where would it be summer time on these months?! Wouldn't it be absolutely fun?! Especially if you live very near the beach. I love summer time.

P.S I Love You.

I've wanted to read this book for awhile. I haven't gotten around to it. But yesterday I saw the movie, thanks to housemate, Richard. I was crying like a baby! And he laughed at me alot. What can I do?! I cry easily! Remember the Mc Donald's commercial, Karen po? I used to cry when that commercial went on tv.

Back to the movie. Gerard Butler was HOT! Weeeeeeeeee! As in! Not to mention the accent was super HOT! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!! James Masters (or whatever), Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, looks really old! And there's another hot guy with an accent. HEHE

Anyway, while watching the movie, I can't help but wish that I would have a guy like Gerry (not Gerard Butler, but the character -- although Gerard won't be THAT bad. HAHA) I mean he actually helped his wife, Holly (Hilary Swank) move on and get over his death.

But the words that kept ringing in my head is...

What do you want? I know what I want, cause I'm holding it in my hands right now. You.

- Gerry Kennedy

Haller!!! Sino ba naman hindi maiinlove sa ganyang asawa diba? I swear those words rang in my ear over and over and over again. I wish alot of people, including myself, would know what they wanted when they're still holding it in their hands, not when it's already gone. I think if most of us, ayan ha hindi all, knew or had this wisdom the world would be a much happier place.

If we all knew what we would be missing without that person in our life, then we can end an endless chain of senseless loss. And the only loss we will experience is when our loved one's time has passed. But then it wont be such a loss, because we know we cherished them even to the last moment of their lives.

A (Mr.) Big Happy Ending.

I realized, I want a Big happy ending. You know, painful, long, messed up relationship, but still works in a abso-fuckinlutely good way. Labo ba? You think I am taking this SATC addiction quite too far, right? No, not really. It's just that love is really that, painful, happy, endless, and sometimes messed up! But when two people make it a common goal to work things out then it does work out. I mean I have been there, wanting to work things out, it's just the other person didn't want to, until later on when I wasn't interested anymore.

You know that thing where you didn't think he'd actually go far to try to get you, then he pulls a big surprise and he does? Things like that. I have a friend who is obssessed with finding someone who will fall crazy in love with her. I don't know as how crazy she wants the guy to be, but I hope not as crazy as some of my Bubu's ex bitches. And I think she's crazy to actually want something like that.

What I want is this...

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

- Carrie Bradshaw

Inner Monologues...again.

Sometimes I have these bad break up conversations with Francis in my head. Where I contradict myself and him. I point out all our promises and vows. And it just dawned on me, that I shouldn't think about those things because I am never going to have those conversations with him.

And so, I tried to remember what the things that he's told me. "I don't play around coz i'm not a kid. My respect for you still stands firm. We'll work this out together...you and me...i will stay and hold my ground. When the time comes that you no longer need me then I shall leave, but for now, I will care for you. I will continue this journey. I will FIGHT for us if i must. I'm here to stay, I will protect YOU and you will protect me."

These are the things that bring me comfort.

This Is What Reading Archived Blogs Does To You.

One of the best things we can do in our lives is this: Begin again. Begin to see yourself as you were. When you were the happiest and strongest you've ever been. Begin to remember what worked for you (and what worked against you), and try to capture the magic again. Begin to remember how natural it was when you were a child -- To live a lifetime each day. Begin to forget the baggage you have carried with you for years: the problems that don't matter anymore, the tears that cried themselves away, dnd the worries that are going to wash away on the shore of tomorrow's new beginnings. Tomorrow tells us it will be here every new day of our lives; and if we will be wise, we will turn away from the problems of the past and give the future -- and ourselves -- a chance to become the best of friends. Sometimes all it takes is a wish in the heart to let yourself begin again.

Can you believe that I commented this to my friend. It's a poem I found a long time ago, that I have forgotten. Why do we forget these things? We shouldn't. These are lessons. We really shouldn't forget them.

I dont think it is right to even find someone like what you're looking for, nor become a person like that.We need someone who can be there even if we dont see or feel him physically. And hope that this person accept us for who we are and also teach us to become a person who not only "see" but also "feel", without having to be clingy.

One more. I mean, I am smart right? I mean look at the things I have been saying?

I am so disappointed with the person I have become! Well...not really. Just with the way I have dealt with my relationship. It's like I didn't learn anything AT ALL! But on the brighter side, I have learned to become more independent and self reliant due to rising needs to be one.

Wait! Wait! It's 8:30 AM on my side teh world, and the sun is out. I should be out tanning. I'll be back to ponder more on my inconsistencies.

SATC.

I finally saw the Sex And The City Movie, well, a crappy version of it. But nonetheless it was what I have been expecting from it. Lessons, lessons, lessons. Its weird right, can you really pick up lessons from this movie? Well, I don't know about you but I picked up some stuff from the series.

I love these lines:

"It's not logic, it's love."

- Carrie Bradshaw

I think I've seen this series from the start that I have seen Carrie make up and break up with Big. All the pain. Okay, I know it's a fictional character, but what happens to them has happened to alot of people in the real world. They love, their loved ones hurt them but they forgive. Maybe it doesn't work out for everyone, but it does work out okay in the end.

"I will love you forever. Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours."

- Mr. Big

At the beginning of Carrie's relationship with Big, I thought he was the kind of man who didn't know anything about love. Until this. He just struck me as someone who just jerks around. And I have met men like him a couple of times.

Carrie's gotten her happy ending. Would it be so bad to wish for a SATC ending like Carrie's? I mean after all the pain we all go through, with life, or with relationships, are happy endings just for movies? At one point can everyone get theirs?

Stress.

OMG! I am so stressed out.

The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was gonna do my midterms for ISCAHM. Which by the way I ended up acing. HEHE.

I am so stressed that I am either throwing up or well, you know. And I haven't been able to finish my meals. Not even a freakin' grilled cheese sandwich. And I don't even eat much anymore.

I sleep late and wake up at 6 AM every time. Even if slept at 2 AM. Argh. It all started at the beginning of the week.

Before I Met You.

Do you remember my Prince letters? I found a song that tells my love story.

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[chorus:]

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

~~~
Was it the same way for you too? :)

Love.

Today, I thought about love alot. What is it? Do we really understand what it means?

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."

- Peter Ustinov

"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."

- Erich Fromm

So, this is why we always want to have someone to love us. That we are all lost souls in this universe seeking out for our one true mate.

"In the final analysis, love is the only reflection of man's worth."

- Bill Wundram, Iowa Quad Cities Times

I wonder if St. Peter, will ask us if we ever really loved anyone unconditionally when we are at heaven's gates.

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

- Elizabeth Browning

I agree. Totally.

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

- Woody Allen

Yup, right down here!

And my favorite of all...love from the Bible.

Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. (NIV)

Proverbs 17:9
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends. (NLT)

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV)

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV)

Ephesians 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (NIV)

~~~
I know you're wondering why right? I have fallen a few times only to bruise myself and each fall, I have survived. I have become cynical and embittered by past experiences in loving someone. Until I came to terms that seeking out love is not how it works. So I let it be, instead I started to dream and hope for my Prince. And someone came. And I made a choice to love him. I made a choice for him to my Prince.

Things haven't been perfect, sometimes, they were hard. But my heart tells me not to give up. My heart tells me only to love him more. After all, love shouldn't end. Because it is not love when it ends. So a love story is not a love story if it has an ending. This is the reason why most fairy tales end with a happily ever after...

Home.

This song sums up all that I feel at this very moment, and the last couple of days...

Do I still have one?
_______________
I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

It's called a Yo-yo.

Im a yo-yo. My emotions are up and down, up and down.

I miss my bubu. - I miss his love letters, his text messages and his calls.

I hope I'll see him very soon.

I wish I'd be there for his birthday.

I wish I'd be the one he saw whenever he looked at someone's way...

Quick To Panic.

Panicky again.

Its hard when you're 25, nothing in the bank to your name, no property to your name. I mean like me, I want to buy a condo unit back home. God knows why because I also want to migrate but I just want one. And I dont know why. Some people have it easy they have parents who are rich enough to buy the condo for them.

There are some like me who have to earn their way to some things. Its weird that my friends and better half say I'm a brat. So basically now I am panicking because I'm leaving a safety net. When I go back, I'll go back to my mom's house and live with her nagging and ratatat.

At least my dog will be there. I miss him so much! But I miss his daddy more! HAHA

I had a good start. I dont know why I pushed it. Now, it's downhill.

I went to church, and I just felt like its the safest place in the world.

No one will judge me, I can silently cry out in anguish and I know I will be heard.

I know things will get better. I read somewhere that in the end, everything will be okay. If it's not, then it's not the end.

Questions?

How do you know if a person loves you?

Is it how much he tells you? Or how much he remembers to text you?

Why is it that we know God loves us?

But not know if a person really does?

How do you tell a frantic heart to not worry?

How do you know when to face facts or just continue living a lie?

How do you know when you're being decieved or when you are not?

How do you know when to stop and let it all go?

How do you know when to keep fighting?

Are these questions just here because you're not here beside me?

Will it be different if you were?

Sermon...as usual.

I was just talking to my aunt. The usual sermon. You know, when she gets worked up she can go on and on. I don't blame her, all the pent up frustration. I can see where she wants me to go. And I want to get there too. But accepting her help sometimes mean that I have to give up my life, and live it the way she wants me to.

Darn...darn...darn.