Another cosmic joke...

My life is full of cosmic jokes. Just when I'm settled someone, someone always tries to uproot me. This guy and I went out a couple of times, okay kissed on one of them. He likes me I like him but I think there's just no way we're settling with each other. Or maybe we didn't like each other THAT much. Well anyway...he sent me a text message after a long absence...I wonder what he's up to.

Oh well...I'd much rather not delve into that anymore...there are more pressing issues that need my attention.

Wedding at Antonio's...teehee.

I dont know what came over me this morning but I just decided that I want my wedding recpetion to be at Antonio's. Gawd, I dont even have a groom yet. Several reasons:

1. I want to get married in Tagaytay, in one of the intimate churches there away from all the hassle.

2. I am only inviting select people max is 100 people.

3. I have always wanted a sit down dinner.

4. Antonio's is fabolous in the evenings!

5. It has the best ambiance for a hectic and hassle free wedding reception where everyone can just chill and enjoy the food.

6. Everyone has to stay and finish the entire course! BWAHAHA. Hey, it's Antonio's!

So now that I have that tiny bit of information settled, I need to find a designer for my gown, a church and more importantly a groom. I hope Antonio's will still be around when I find myself proposed to and ready to tie the knot.

Poppin' thoughts while driving...

In a bout of happy feet, I just had to go to Gateway to check out Goodwill Bookstore. I must've been quite a sight as I recieved a couple of blank stares and some incredulous stares from people I passed by. I was wearing a huge skirt, an off the shoulder top, heels and some face paint. I went to my god son's 1st birthday party at Saisaki in Megamall. I dropped off some kids and decided to drop by Gateway since I was already in the area. Nevertheless, halloween parties are abound and I guess I can just say I was going to one.

Anyway as it turns out Goodwill in Gateway wasn't as nice as the one in Glorietta. Okay so I on my way to the parking lot I passed by Gonuts Donuts and made a mistake of fancy-ing their blended coffee, hey, it looked interesting. IT WAS BAD. UGH! Next time I am really just gonna stick to Starbucks they have my right kind of blend.

Anyway, on the drive home my "standard" popped in my head. Well...some blog entries ago at mindsay I ranted about setting standards on friends you make and keep, potential boyfriends and well future husbands, I guess. I thought about my pops and daddy. I thought I wanted to have someone who is like them. Daddy, for being the one who encourages me not to be afraid to get what I want. He's the one who's helped mom alot on being the person she is today. He's that radient source of positive energy. And my Popsie, my papa, he tries his best, he helps me with my projects, drives me around, he helped me go through with my hellish thesis, he's a good provider and he loves me, simply because I'm the only one he's got. HEHE.

So there...the 2 great men in my lives. I wonder if I'd ever meet the other great man in my life which is both my papa and daddy in one.

Movies, pizza, siomai, watermelon and vodka.

We learned more tricks in getting buzzed. Watermelon and vodka. Yum! Yesterday I went to Tonets house to watch some movies, eat some pizza and drink vodka. Manay po, was hilarious!!!

I reckon Manel got bored. It was nice hangin' out like that. I wish I can do it more often.

Anyway...a ghost from the past visited me today...blasted ignore list why did you have to show whom I ignored! Anyway...I totally blew him off. I just didn't want to bother, because I knew I didn't want to be friends with him the way he wants us to. It's gonna take time if it's ever gonna get better which I doubt. A couple of reason's for that...

1. I don't trust him anymore.
2. He's a liar.
3. He betrayed me.
4. I dont have an ounce of respect for him, not anymore.

And I dont befriend people like that. I think it was a mistake even opening up myself to him in the first place.

Oh well over and done. It's time to look at the beautiful things ahead.

Gawd. I'm old.

Today I'm 24. No achievements...yet. Nothing to show for the last 24 years of existence. Well not really...I have finished architecture and will finish culinary arts in 3 weeks time. How about that?

Anyway...the day is uneventful except I gave cookies to my classmates. They liked it...thank gawd! Anyway...I'm having dinner with family. I can't help but not feel it's my day.

1. Someone irked me first thing in the morning.
2. I have exams I need to study for.
3. I'm broke. GRAAAH!

Anyway things will get better I know. At least I am now doing something I really like.

Birthday without friends.

This year is my no-fuss birthday. I am not throwing a party like I did last time. I wanted to just have a small get together for pizza, some movies and couple rounds of booze with friends. But we dont seem to be getting along okay right now. My birthday is so off...first of it's like way off pay day...so I usually dont get presents...not that I am asking really...I just remember my mom buys me gifts or throws me party in advance in time for pay day...before. And it usually ALWAYS rains on my birthday or just a bit of a drizzle. Anyhow it's great I'll be 24 soon. I had a rather hazy 23rd year. And now my friends no matter how a small group we are, are in a middle of a misunderstanding...I hope we get along soon enough.

I got all the sides I wanted to hear...I am a neutral force kinda like Switzerland. I understood them all. I hope they talk soon so we can start with the booze and start chompin on the pizza.

Ready to settle down at 24?

I had another "settle down" conversation with a friend. He was just happily telling me about his new relationship and I ranted about my bad taste in men:

Him: hi pareh

Me: Hi

H: How's it going?

M: Bruho ka namiss kita!

H: di nako single...

M: OMG!!!!!! Sino sino?

M: Ako shit papaka single nalang ako forever. Sobrang crap mga boys! I like swear to god!

H: ahahaha thats cause u need men not boys

M: Alam mo I think I have really bad taste in men. I usually have like a couple of good choices but I end up with the rotten ones.

H: well, statistically your bound to get a good one

M: Work work work. Tutal I plan to migrate...so useless din magbuild ng relationship at this point.

H: tama ako bahala na may plans din family to migrate pero kung seryoso na tlgaw0oly nasa age na naman ako magpakasal eh

M: You're scary... Actually I have 2 of you that are scary. Alam mo yung may word na na kasal...

H: i dont really want to but alam mo un its always an option

M: But why is it an option if you didn't want to? Hehe pero my other friend is like so sure na...she told me...you know I'm ready to settle down...and I'm like " What?" Are you serious?! You're 23!!!

H: i dont want to cause i dont know anyone that could be ..pero if i did meet someone

M: That's great man...besides my friend always said if you dont see yourself spending a lifetime with the person your with then you're wasting your time.

Whew. How come I have friends telling me they wanna settle down at 24 are you really ready? I think my problem is that I am not contented with what I have most times even if I have so much and that I feel that I camn achieve so much more. Either that or I have achieved nothing and they already achieved so much. Darn it!

Oh yeah, I'm turning 24 soon. I have a feeling of dread...another year older...and I can't say I've been happy the year that passed. But now I have a chance to be. Anyway...I was thinking of inviting some friends, limited actually, for pizza...but I dont think they can come...there's been a huge "scam" in the group and it's really sad we're like this. Darn.

Teehee.

For like the nth time I am changing blog adresses!!! Well not really I am just starting this new blog...but I will still post on the other one sporadically. Since my friend doesn't post on mindsay which is the reason why I even joined there. I've decided to post here instead! :) Link to my mindsay account is available. :)

How to trust, how to love...again?

After getting hurt from a past relationship, how does one trust again? How does one person learn to open up to another again? With all the scars from your previous relationship visible and haunting you, how do you give yourself the chance to be happy again? When you have all of these doubts that this next person might hurt you the same way the last time did?

Who am I kidding?! My ex still hurt me, I doubt he knows it. And now all I see is the deception that lies within even if it's not there. And it's not helping that the guys I've been meeting has deception written all over their faces. The monster called doubt is eating me up.

This is the reason I hate men (guys, boys shmuck) right now. I hear words without meaning. They talk alot but dont do much. They sneak around thinking they wont hurt anyone, that no one will know. But something always tells me there is a catch. Something to stop me from even trying to get to know them better. And then after awhle it's all across my face. My intuition had been right. They are a bunch of good for nothings.

I am so screwed. At the rate I am going it's gonna take me forever to find someone to love. And someone to love me.

Love is...

Today someone asked me what love is for me...here's what I said.

Love is when you're willing to compromise your beliefs to meet a person halfway. When you kiss that person you feel like you're "home". And even if everything is not okay just hearing that person say that everything will be okay you still believe him. Love is when you're still aiming to be the best for yourself, because you know he's with you 100%. Love is promises kept. Love is every little thing that is appreciated. And love is trustworthy, honest, loyal and faithful.

He said:
Love is the..will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's and others life..love is not a feeling

I say.
It's more than a feeling. Its in everything that you do and dont do...everything you dont say and say. It's more than "feeling" that it's love.

And we came to a conclusion: Love is relative.

And so. We're screwed. HAHA

Coffee always does it for me.

My cousin decided he can treat mom and me to coffee. So at 10 PM we drove to Starbucks at The Clubhouse in QC. I like that place. It's more mellow than the other Starbucks. Except Starbucks Tagaytay. Hehe. I ordered my usual since it came out. Caramel Java Chip and a Caramel Waffle. Starbucks always chases my blues away. Hehe. I know I'm such a sell out because I patronize Starbucks. But I love it.

Anyway so since my mom was around I didn't puff a smoke and did not talk about the things I usually talk to my cousin about. Well...today I'm missing him. Yeah him. So not right. Especially when you've soo decided to just let it go. Anyway...that's okay. Am I allowed to miss him once in a while? It will be almost a year after that horrid day last year. I'm supposed to be over it...but I'm not completely there yet. But I will be. Maybe its because the constant distraction at the goal...which is also him...when he texts me, or sends me an IM or whatever.

I wanna get out and run as far away as I can from him and all of our memories...good or bad they are nightmares to me now.

And meeting a-hole guys right now is sooo not helping me.

I hate men.

Stupid, stupid me...

I cant seem to figure out this person. One minute he's so attentive, the next he's not. So okay he's busy and all...according to him. Oh well...I will never really know. I dont get him, at times...seriously he confuses me. Is he really into me?

I mean come on stop playing these games...it's been going on for years. It's either a yes or a no. Go figure.

I dont know why I even bother...

Off...

Life is a rollercoaster. My emotions are on rollercoaster...there are days when I just cant help but be so happy. There are days like this. Its like I'm so spaced out. Cluttered head. Argh. Random thoughts time.

- I want to work overseas. How? Will there be an available job to possible apply in? I heard about Shanghai. I'll go anywhere.

- There's the ex issue. I sometimes still find myself thinking of him. Enough. It should be enough.

- Business. I want one. I need one.

- I want to buy quite a couple of things but I don't want to ask for money anymore. Folks spend for school, orthodontia, and then surgery...

- Surgery...I'm scared.

- I miss someone and no it's not my ex. But oh well. Guess he doesn't miss me you know.

- I miss some friends at the same time, I also resent them for being so busy.

- I want coffee.

- I maybe coming down with colds. Argh.

- I need to get out of this house...seriously.

- Is there anybody who can love me?

- I want to be happy.

- I miss ME.

- I should stop...

Today everything will change.

I made a decision several months ago.

1. To let go.
2. To have faith.
3. To stop hurting.
4. To forgive myself.

I dont know why I was back in that rut that I was shoved into the first quarter of 2006. But I dont want to move forward with pain my heart and with eyes that no longer lights up to the what the world shows her.

I used to be a happy person. Until I let myself drown in someone else's personality. Until I let him conquer me. And I want myself back. Not a fake "self" but what I was. Before all of this...when I was still whole.

I should be a like a phoenix...able to rise from my own ashes and be a better person...a phoenix that of which tears' can heal wounds...even those that are deep in my heart...

Hoping and trying not to hope.

Trying to shake off all hopes of hearing from him again. Weird. I know I asked for it but it's just that I had hoped for an answered prayer. Maybe my prayers dont go all the way up to heaven.

Are feelings really that fleeting, that one minute you feel so miserable after having lost someone because of your doing and then feeling like nothing happened the next minute?

I'm depressed and lost. I hate myelf for believing you. Maybe someone can just show me the way to be loved.

One Tree Hill episode 317

I was watching OTH earlier. The episode was the aftermath of the shootout last episode. I just realized that even the most beautiful, popular or sought after girl also waits to be loved. Brooke is the most popular girl in Tree Hill High. And she's dating Lucas, who cheated on her with her bestfriend Peyton, who at this episode pushes her because of his issues. But when he approached her to say sorry and make up for his crappy attitude Brooke welcomes him and forgives him because she loves him.

Why? Why do we allow people to treat us this way?

Anyway I am fully aware that OTH is just a show but some of the things that happen to them reflects what happens even if there are not hefty paychecks, lights and cameras.

That even if you're beautiful, popular, desirable and etc. When it comes to loving...we all wait patiently...

From Nadine's blog.

From Nadine's Blog - She revised it. It caught my attention. I also added somethings to it...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/114087824.html --->If you wanna read the original article.

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Tribute to nice girls.

To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times.

This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope. that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and flipflops, who care more than they should for guys who don't really deserve that much of their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea", to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is for the girls who have to pretend it doesn't hurt because she knows that even though her friends say "you're better off without him" or "he doesn't deserve you", she knows that they words were from the heart, but they don't mend hers. This is for the girl who poured her heart into something hoping he'd realize how much he meant to her and how much she meant to him, only to discover that she meant nothing to him all along. This is for the girl who had followed her heart, threw away her inhibitions, thought she had triumphed over all the obstacles, only to find out that her Prince had returned to his "ex-princess". This is for all the nights she listened to every song they heard together, replayed all the times he told her he liked her, looked at every picture they had together, and thought if only she could figure out the exact moment she lost him... This is for all the times she had told herself to be strong and Let It Go, only to find herself calling her friend at twelve midnight to tell her she thinks she's going crazy because he won't get out of her mind. This is for all the bestfriends who never faltered to try and pick up their friends from off the floor to give them a hug they know they need. This is for the countless nights they stayed up together trying to find an explanation for a "true love" gone wrong. This is for how bad it hurts coming up with no conclusion and just one simple question with no answer... WHY?

This is for the girl who swore to never let anyone hurt her that bad again, only to find herself falling for someone who poured salt on that wound. For the girl who needed someone there for her after a bad break up, only to discover that months into it, he had hurt her and used her more than she had been with the previous. This is for the girl who gets called his "true love" on the phone, his "future wife" to her family, and "just a friend" to his friends and other girls. This is for the many times he had walked back into her life and left, just as quick. This is for the girl who took a risk on the guy that swore they were special, gave herself to him, and was left with nothing more than bruises....

sometimes, prayers dont get answered, nor do wishes come true. and maybe, just maybe, you should accept the truth you had known and ignored for so long.

give up. sometimes it's just not meant to be..

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Eventually you will come to the point where in you know you have to just let it go. And it's time you give yourself the attention and love that you deserve, that no other person can ever give you.

I just want to be happy.

No matter how hard I tried to be contented of what I have in my life in order to be happy I just cant seem to get out of the rut I am in. I know this has something to do with my ex-boyfriend.

Gawd, I loved him. Maybe I still do. But I dont want to be anymore it's been a couple of months since we broke up already. I miss him. Hard as it is to admit but I do. It sucks that I am stuck in this limbo and him...god know what the hell he is up to.

He has been keepin in touch a text message every now and then. I dont know what the hell he is up to and I have given up trying to understand what he wants with me. Maybe he just wants me to be miserable all the time. Maybe he enjoys seeing me unhappy.

Dinner and a rather startling moment.

Last night I had tons of fun with Ella and Myles. I met them online. The wonderful world of PEXing, I discovered PEX a looong time ago. A friend of mine had told me about it. But it wasn’t after last year around June that I had become so active at participating at the discussions. At first I was just posting at the Love Threads. And then there was the Travel Thread, the Academic Thread and Lifestyle. I had nothing better to do at work. So, during those “I can cry because of boredom” moments I pexed, good thing the server allowed the website to be accessed to. Well I had come and gone from that boring job, and I continued pexing until I got my heart broken and then after...enter Ella, AJ and Mark.

I have met several people there. Some were insignificant, some I haven’t met in person. And then there was Ella, AJ, Mark and Myles. The latest addition to our little group. Ella and I had pretty much the same situation a while back. I commented, posted and ranted a lot on her thread because I can relate to it. And through the rants and what nots we formed friendship. AJ and Mark, our “meant to be couple”, are also regulars on our rant and post thread and thus the friendship. Myles, our latest recruit, I think she took pity on Ella and I and decided we needed her professional help. She’s a social worker and a psychologist? We’re her patients. HAHA

Anyway we had dinner at Greenbelt 2 at UVA - (Thanks Ella!). And because we are so perfect we had taken to fancy at people watching. We were laughing, poking fun at each other and at the sometimes oblivious people and not so oblivious ones. And there was a group of guys walking past and at the same time we were talking about Sway. Myles suddenly said that he was in town. And then we were snickering at this dude who was the less appealing version of Sway. And then out of nowhere he approached the window and knocked at it. We were like, what the hell?! And then he decided to invite himself to our table and had the galls to even ask us to join them. It was supposed to be his birthday. Myles was such a smart ass, greeted him Happy Birthday. HAHA. Anyway that was fun.

I also met Myles’ cute friend, Eric. I think I know too many Eric’s. HAHA But he’s cute, he’s welcome to stay in my life. HEHE

An open letter...

I'm sorry, for hurting you. I know I've been hard to deal with. For picking fights, because I wanted to prove something to myself. I've done this before. His name was Mike. He loved me too. And I hurt him, the way I am hurting you now. I know I will pay dearly for being rash and reckless with handling my feelings and your feelings. Please forgive me. You'll never understand and I dont wish for you to understand ever because even I dont understand why I've gone the extra mile to cause you so much pain. I wish I had a bigger heart. Big enough to love you...the way I loved the person who took away most of the love I had.

I'm sorry.