Questions?

How do you know if a person loves you?

Is it how much he tells you? Or how much he remembers to text you?

Why is it that we know God loves us?

But not know if a person really does?

How do you tell a frantic heart to not worry?

How do you know when to face facts or just continue living a lie?

How do you know when you're being decieved or when you are not?

How do you know when to stop and let it all go?

How do you know when to keep fighting?

Are these questions just here because you're not here beside me?

Will it be different if you were?

Sermon...as usual.

I was just talking to my aunt. The usual sermon. You know, when she gets worked up she can go on and on. I don't blame her, all the pent up frustration. I can see where she wants me to go. And I want to get there too. But accepting her help sometimes mean that I have to give up my life, and live it the way she wants me to.

Darn...darn...darn.

Remembering...

I was reading my previous entry...

I remembered when we dropped Bill off where he stays (Solheim, its a lutheran home which has two different areas, they have an area for oldies who can still manage to be left alone and a separate area for oldies who had clinical problems, trauma, Alzheimer's etc.) Anyway, Bill repeated to me that my aunt and uncle is working out a way for Dorothy and him to be able to live together in the home. He said it to me over and over like a broken record "Soon, Dorothy and I will be together, they're working everything out."

It's sad because he doesn't realize that it won't happen. Dorothy still has a healthy mind and if she stayed there shes going to be assigned to a different area. I hope that my aunt and uncle does work something out.

I kinda feel this way right now...

I miss you.

Untitled

"I dont care what people say, I had a beautiful life."

- Dorothy Faubion

I don't know why, it seemed like she told me out of the blue because I needed to hear it. It's amazing to hear her say it. She's very old, probably about 80-early 90's. Her husband, Bill was diagnosed of Alzheimer's about 2 years ago and since then they have been living separately. I listened to their stories and their jokes. And it was very endearing. It makes me think about my life. I pray that when I come to her age, I can look back and say "I had a beautiful life."

A life lived with fruitfully with my husband and our children. And even if I would sometimes forget our memories, like Dorothy, I would look at our family, I would say, "I dont care what people say, I had very beautiful life!"

Im tired of acting like I got it together.

Im tired to convincing myself that everything is okay.

Im tired. I want to stop and take a breather.

Since I couldn't embed the song itself...

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
Oh

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus:]
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care

So how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No more
It's no air, no air

[Chorus x2]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

...

Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them never to pull the trigger.

-Spongebob


'Nuff said.

Conflicting Heart Whispers...

My heart is at it again. Torn between love for career and love for my Francis. The good news is at least its not another man. Right? RIGHT?

But this is the final plan. I am going home. And when I leave again, Francis will be with me...I hope.

Mean Girls Theme. HAHA

To all those who cannot be like us. And just resort to bullshit.
-------------------------------

Can you hear them
They talk about us
Telling lies
Well that's no surprise

Can you see them
See right through them
They have no shield
No secrets to reveal

It doesn't matter what they say
In the jealous games people play
Our lips are sealed

Careless talk
Through paper walls
We can't stop them
Only laugh at them

Spreading rumors
So far from true
Dragged up from the underworld
Just like some precious pearl

It doesn't matter what they say
In the jealous games people play
Our lips are sealed
Pay no mind to what they say
It doesn't matter anyway
Our lips are sealed

There's a weapon
We must use
In our defense
Silence

When you look at them
Look right through them
That's when they'll disappear
That's when you'll be feared

Hush, my darling
Don't you cry
Quiet, angel
Forget their lies

Finally!

I have it all clear in my head. Thank God!

Lost.

I feel so lost right now. I have so many options it's confusing which to take. I do not resent God for presenting me with such. I am actually grateful that I had options. One way or another I would still have something at the end of the road for me. I just need guidance which path to take. Which will lead to a relatively contented journey of life.

Help, help, help!!!

Anxious Life.

This is how I always envisioned how my life would be:

Host a superb meal with superb spread, as in the kind where in I get pulled off the kitchen by my "fans". (My Chef now actually does this, his "fans" even go to the kitchen to thank him for their wonderful meal!)

And after that I can hop on to another chef's restaurant to have a late night snack and mingle with other great chefs.

Learn to drink wine, so I can be sassy! :P

And on weekends, I can getaway from it all with my family...hamilo coast or anvaya cove, it's the kid's choice. ;P

Im so excited to go to Cape Cod for the summer. After the next months that I will spend in Cape Cod, I'm coming home. I'm finally going to see my Bubu. I've missed him so much. But you know what sucks? That lil' gnaw in my heart that makes me want to stay here because here...my dreams are all true. I'm not so sure what awaits me when I go back. Or if my plans will show itself in due time.

Uncertainty...is my biggest foe at this moment. Its preventing me from getting what I want.

But this love...that I know I have, is enough, I guess. For in a million ways, he has made all of my dreams come true, too.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, SAY No Evil.

Remember how I have really crappy housemates? Okay...from now on I will no longer call 'em the names I used to call 'em. I was talking to my aunt last night and she told me off for name calling and making deregatory comments about these people. She's right. I am asking for a miracle right now. And why would God give me that miracle if I say alot of shit about people. So I must stop.

I must pretend.

I must pretend I dont see anything, hear anything and I must not say anything. Sometimes I must admitt I am so consumed in anger that I feel I want to destroy all of them. But I can't. Like my lawyer said, keep a good thought. So I must do what I must to keep msyelf away from such people.

Oh, this is so teasing my bratinella side.

On the bright side, I might to Vegas soon. I hope! And the more brighter side! I will not be seeing them anymore! Weee! :) Massachusettes is a good place! :)

Fear.

The Secret tells us that fear disables you from recieving what the universe has for you. What you want in your life. It says that to get what you want, you have to ask for it and believe that you deserve it.

I am plagued by fear, of being unsuccessful. And I realize today, fearing what is not there is only paralyzing me. It's not allowing to come full circle with all the blessings that is especially for me. Things I've asked for.

From now on, I'll worry about it when I get there. No more fear.

Yes. I'm going to make it my mantra.

Death.

I always wonder about death. You know how they show it on TV, that the person dying remembers his path that moment before he closes his eyes for the last time. I wonder if it's true. I admitt I dont want to die yet. I'm still young, I have alot of things I want to do. Its not wrong to think about it sometimes right?

Right?

Anyway...this is what happens when you watch Maging Sino Ka Man on you tube. Especially when you watch the part where Celine dies. Hehe

Plans.

I have so many plans. My head is swimming in them this very moment. I am trying to think about how I will do them all. But this is not what the law of attraction tells us.

It says:
Ask - Okay here are my plans... for the next 2 years.
~ Get a second job in MA.
~ Go home.
~ Get the visa.
~ Go to Canada.
~ Study in FCI.
~ Study Asian Culinary Arts in Singapore.
~ Buy Hamilo unit and membership.

Visualize - I have been doing that. I believe I will do all of them.

Recieve - Yes. Soon

What's confusing is, I have so many things I am asking for. Sheesh. The universe is probably confused.

Dreaming of Home.

Francis. The person I consider home. My home. My own. With him I felt I belong someplace, to someone's heart. I'm excited to see him again. My heart just wants to hurry up the next four months...

Excited and Grateful Heart.

I have a very good feeling about how things are going in my life. I'm excited and I smile at every thought about how good my life would be. Especially when I'm finally with Francis too. :)

Happy Anniversary!

Yes, its been a year since my Prince came to me.

And it has been blissful ever since...

I love you.