Imaginary Conversations.

Me: Can we not say we're "married" on FB anymore?
Him: Why?
Me: Coz it's not real anymore.

...shit.

Smile.

A gentleman at church nudged me on the way out. He told me "Smile, it's a beautiful day out." It's true. It rained at around 6 AM my time and the clouds were heavy when I walked to church but somehow in that hour long mass the clouds managed to clear and you can see the sun peeking through as we got out of church. It wasn't hot, it wasn't cold. It was truly a beautiful day. And I thought that I should really smile.

So I smiled. And when I did, it hurt. I couldn't keep smiling instead tears started to run down my cheeks. My heart is so broken. I didn't know I was still capable of taking the pain. I thought I was done. I thought now is the time that is really for me. That I will no longer have to worry about someone hurting me, betraying me or unloving me. I thought that THAT was over. I thought that I already found the best guy, the most right guy for me. I thought that now I can let go of the fictional prince and live out my fairytale.

It's confusing. Hay.

Hopeless Romantic.

I love romantic comedy movies. You know, boy meets girl, they fall in love, they have fun and then something happens, they hurt each other but in the end love prevails -- they kiss and the screen pans out. Yup. I'm a sucker for those movies. Even if I already know how it will end, I still watch them. With each ending, I hope my own love story will be something like it. Thing is, what happens when the screen pans out? Do they just end up gazing at each other's eyes lovingly? Do they just kiss and kiss and kiss nonstop? See, the screen doesn't pan out to the credits in real life. It just keeps going.

It's been three years since I "met" my Prince. Three years since I started writing him. Three years since I started believing that there was one person, who will love me for who I am. And I will love him back as much as he loves me. In those three years, I was with two guys. One who had me convinced he was the prince but he turned out to be an ass. And I am now with another guy, who could be him. I really want him to be.

My Prince who has inspired me in so many ways. Who has made me feel loved even when I didn't know him then. He made me believe that there is love. And I didn't need another person to love me right then and there. I just needed to know that I will be loved when he finally comes.

Sometimes, I think I should already let go of my Prince and just live. Stop looking for him in the guys I am with. After all it is a known fact that most guys are princes in the beginning but monsters at the end. Well, okay not all of them. Some of them don't, not monsters not really. But not exactly a prince too.

Prince, is the result of my wild imagination. It was fun while it lasted, but I cannot live my life around fairy tales. In real life, even when we love someone we hurt that person we love. In real life the ending isn't as happy, because when life ends it means someone gets left behind. In real life, the pain doesn't stop after we kiss and make up, because there will be other pains that will follow, because for as long as we live we will keep on making mistakes and those mistakes will hurt someone, somehow.

So, right now...I just want to live.

Be Still.

I want to be still

Still as a rock

Hear the wind blow

With my pain it goes

Be still

Not a word

Not a sound

Just what's around

Be still

Calm down

Listen for a comforting sound

Wait for that consoling hand

Ang plastic ko bwiset.

The Year 2009 In Review...and Thank You's.

I have been so caught up with my life that I wasn't able to write this. I have been meaning to. So 2009 was quite eventful. Joys and tears combined.

1st Quarter (Jan - March) -- I found myself starting the year arguing with Rey -- I forgot what it was all about, I think it was about me working too much. I was starting to not love my current job, I wasn't inspired. I also found an opportunity for me to come back here in the US and be with Rey. I also found 2 more ob opportunities that I had to pass up. I saw most my good friends and spent as much time as I could and as permitted by my schedule with them. I celebrated my best friend's birthday with her too! It was fun.

2nd Quarter (April - June) -- I quit my job and flew here. I worked in Colorado -- which I was thankful for being able to come back here and all that. But Colorado, was not the best experience of my career. Although, the four days I spent with my Bubu was the best ones I had there ever.

3rd Quarter (July - September) -- Summer passed by so fast but I still couldn't wait for it to be over. Bubu came to visit and we had a lot -- I think. I am only speaking for myself. We celebrated his birthday together! A first! By September I was already planning my next job and my mini-vacay to California.

4th Quarter (October - December) -- My birthday came and went. I did get to spend it with Bubu BUT I ruined his plans. But I was happy enough to be able to spend some time with him. At least whenever we are together we spend it the whole day long. We've seen better days. We really have. But I hope that there will be more. I got a job in Florida it's just really tough. The end of the year, I don't know how to describe it. Let's just say that I wish I had a better one. We're still together so I guess, we have a chance for a better one.

THANK YOU'S...

- for my family, who is always there even when I am not.

- for Rey, who is still there even when I'm not. Even if he doesn't have to be.

- for my friends, who is always there for me no matter what. (Special mention time!) I love you all!!!!

-_-Kevin ~ I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there for you when you needed me. And thank you for never leaving me ever. Thank you. I love you, you have been a good good friend.

-_- Manel ~ Thank you for taking time off from your hectic life to stay in touch. I know how hard it is to do but you still do.

-_- Tonet ~ for the tough love.

-_- April ~ Even when you're not always there, you're there when least expected. :)

-_- Julie ~ for talking to me and for sharing your zen thoughts. HAHA

-_- Ella ~ for always sharing your wisdom with me.

-_- Tere ~ for always showing you cared about me even if we don't talk as much anymore!

-_- Nadine ~ for being so thoughtful and helping me out during Ondoy!

- for my new friends! Mikey, Dave, Jaime, Rachel, Zach - it has been a pleasure knowing you and working with you. I hope that we can stay friends. :)

- for the opportunities given to me the past year.

I'm sorry if I had been outta touch lately. I'll be better. :)

Flitting through a web of emotions
trying hard to take the tension
Hearts soar, hearts fall
heart spirals out of control

Tears fall, I see a back walking away
Rushing out to follow, running to keep up
He doesn't stop, he keeps going
We keep going, tripping, falling

Roller coaster ride, trying to go with the tide
Stop please, let's rest
I thought we were the best
Seems like we're just like the rest

Today the year became old again.

New Project.

I have a project. It's about finding love, keeping it, celebrating it and living it. I know it seems kind of off to be starting a project so late into the year. But I am so excited for this project that I already wanted it to start. I can't wait for the dawn of the New Year. It was just too long a wait! So wish me luck!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

See I have already forgotten this. That is why I have not been patient, nor kind. I have become proud and jealous. I was rude, and self centered. I did not protect, I destroyed. So starting today, I want to re-learn this. Keep it in my heart, like I used to.

If he cannot give me something to hold on to. If he cannot encourage me to fight for him while he rests, then I will start holding on to these words. In them I will find solace. In this promise, I will find my answers. It will guide me to finding love.

Pray for me. Today is Day 1. :)

Scanning contacts...

Ate Sandy...calling...

Kevin...calling

That's it.

I miss my friends.

icy glares

emotionless words

hardened heart

tear-stained cheeks

sorrowful sighs

broken heart

another day

another dream

another goodbye

2009 In Photos.

So, see you next year? :D

Isn't amazing when you ask or want something and it actually happens for you almost instantaneously?

I hope everything happens already too. >_<

Girls Night Out.

It's been awhile since I had a girl's night out. Actually, it's been awhile since I dressed up and went out to a club with good music, danced and had some drinks with friends. And while I was on the dance floor with my roomies, I remember why I stopped doing it. HAHA

I'm not saying I didn't miss it. I did, for a bit. But then I saw couples dancing together and I miss my Bubu more, because I wish I was dancing with him instead. And then I don't like guys or girls, bumping into me too much. And I don't like guys who jump into my group and just starts dancing with us. But my roomies, enjoy it and I wanted to go out tonight because I was cooped up in this apartment the whole afternoon. Beggars can't be choosers.

A funny thing happened though, something that has never happened to me in all of the years I spent going out almost every night. Some guy, plucked me out of the dance floor and told me I was cute. It was funny and weird at the same time. It was a good thing it wasn't like he was trying to pick me up. I think he is gay. We saw each other after the dancing out the deck and I just avoided him.

Well, that was my night out. It will be awhile before I get any again. :P

My plans are all fading in the background...

Random Thoughts!

Don't you just hate it when you start getting used to certain things and you have to give it up?

I want a mandolin slicer!

Can't wait for my day off!

I need an offset bread knife!

Christmas Wishlist 2009

Once again it's December. And it's my fave time of year to post my wishlist!

1. Rey =) (For all our plans to fall into place.)
2. 370 Z Fairlady HEHE
3. Mini Cooper S - Pink with white stripes.
4. Grand Livre De Cuisine by Alain Ducasse (all volumes, there are 4 I believe.)
5. A good, stable job for both of us.
6. Win the Lottery (HEHE)
7. To be able to go back to school -- The French Culinary Institute.
8. A macro lens. (have not decided which one yet.)
9. A wide angle lens. (have not decided which one yet.)
10. Nikon D3x body kit. (WAHEHE)

--

Here is the over the counter version HAHA:

1. Liver spread. (I want to cook Menudo!)
2. Datu Puti Soy Sauce.
3. Datu Puti Vinegar.
4. Jufran Ketchup.
5. Coconut milk.
7. Bagoong - mild.
8. Tinapang Bangus.
9. Daing na Bangus.
10. Rellenong Bangus.

Why am I always the one making sacrifices?

>_<

Sunshine State And Then It Clouded Over...

I've been enjoying myself here in Florida. I love the weather, so far! The town where I live is a bit far from the big cities (Miami and Orlando) but it's okay. I would love a public bus though! But anyway, so far so good. Work is fun, except for a one person who thinks he's all that because he came from one of the premier culinary schools here in the US. But I really believe that a student is what makes that school "look" good, it maybe the best, because they have produced students who worked hard to become one of the best. It doesn't mean that everyone there will come out good, especially if he doesn't have the right attitude.

With all that said, I would like to say, that he sucked. HAHA. But that's for another blog. HAHA I have met some really cool people here. I still keep in touch with several cool people from Colorado. I miss my baby heaps, though!

I also miss my friends. I was talking to one of my closest (and one of the best) friends, and I learned that he wasn't doing great. And I just received an email from our friend and she's also not well. Another friend's heart is broken because her boyfriend passed away. I wish I could be there for all of them. Give them a hug or an encouraging pat in the back. Or maybe just grab coffee with them and sit there to listen to them. I'm doing what I can from here. I just hate that they're not okay, when I'm here having a good time. How I wish that we can all be having the time of our lives and we can share all the good times with each other.

I also want them to know that I'm still here for them.

Been A While

It's been awhile since I wrote anything here. For those who still read this, I want you to know that I had a fabulous birthday. Disastrous, for me, because of something I should have done but didn't do, but nonetheless, I was with the love of my life. And that is enough to make my birthday a good one. Last year was the best birthday to date. HIHI.

So, I am now in Florida, for those of you who are wondering which state or city I am roaming around in and exploring now. I'm in the beautiful town of Vero Beach, FL. It's really nice here. Weather is nice, hot and humid just like the Philippines. I haven't seen the rest of winter but considering the fact that it's snowing in Mancos, CO -- I am not complaining...yet. HEHE.

I also got a free Blackberry for my birthday. HEHE Wooo! So I'll be online alot. HAHA Yay for unlimited everything! HAHA

I wanna say best wishes to a new friend of mine, who is getting married soon. And to those birthdays I forgot, sorry! :P I was too preoccupied!