...

Why is it that when I am spending or even just thinking about spending on myself, I feel guilty for doing so?

I mean, I work hard, shouldnt I be able to enjoy even just a small part of my hard work?

:(

Just Trying Video Blogging.

Idle Minds are The Devil's Playground.

You know what they say.

I have been putting much effort into clearing my head and I end up thinking about bad things. Not good. So I read Faith by AC Ping instead. Couldn't concentrate on it.

So I'm going out...instead. Retail therapy always does it for me.

Other Uses for Tampons.

So, in the wake of my series of nose bleeds, I had one in the kitchen while working. Since I can't just sit in a corner and wait for it to stop because there was work to be done. I did the one thing I really didn't want to do, that G has suggested to me more than once. I took a tampon and shoved it up my nose. They wont stop laughing or staring at me. Chaz even said he thought he was sexy. He's hilarious.

It's getting dryer and dryer and any nasal action (re: nose picking, scratching or sneezing) will cause my nose to bleed. Hell I even bleed in the middle of the night.

Anyway so I spoke to Kevin for like what seemed like a long time and it's just sad to hear him become so cynical about love. I can see myself in him during my "dark days". I know it will pass. But he said he doesn't want it to pass. That he's consciously embracing this cynicism.

I know it may not seem much, but one day she'll find you. And then you'll agree with me Kev...ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. :)

In the mean time, we're here for you (manel and me) and we love you dude. Right doc?

Four Bad Dreams In ONE Night.

You know whan you fall asleep and start dreaming and it's a bad dream you wake up? And then you fall asleep again start dreaming and then it's a bad dream again?! Well yeah had those last night, four of them. The theme was the same, it's all about me and Francis breaking up.

1. Francis has a gay lover.

2. I forgot what we were fighting about but there was money involved and I fainted.

3. I was at church and I see Francis with another girl.

4. I was talking to his aunt or mom. She started to say sorry about our break up.

Mother fucker right?!

The Ironies Of Being a Brat in the US.

All of my friends know that I am a brat. My boyfriend has already embraced that fact about me, thank God, for his unconditional way of loving me. But my oh my, if you see me now in this world that I am now subjected in, you would think other wise.

When I came here to the US, I prepared myself to face a life without my mom - who nagged me to clean my room, put my things in its proper places, you know the drill. I also knew there wont be a laundrywoman or a stay in or out maid. Well I'm sure there is but I'm also sure I wont be able to afford her hourly salary. In short, I did not only they thing I love doing, which is cooking but also the things I could live without doing, like the laundry, the dishes or throwing the trash. Yes, I dont even take the trash out back home. Of course in the kitchen I did all of these things because it's part of the job description and I got paid for it, but when I get home, I'm the boss. Hell.

My house mates are all crap. My room mates are fine, the clean up. We all take turns cleaning the restroom without being told. We sweep the bathroom floor. We put a trashliner in the trash. But the rest of them outside my room, they're a bunch of crappy people who dont know how to live civilly. They have been so confined with their "probinsyana" attitude that they brought it all the way here. Can you believe that? I think they should go home. They dont belong here. I dont think they will ever belong here.

It's USO.

The one thing that I dont understand with Filipinos here that I am unfortunately forced to surround myself with is that they think it's alright to cheat on their husbands and wives.

A friend of mine actually said that it's "uso" to do that here. Well there is no doubt that it is indeed the trend here. Getting into relationships with people who is married back home, either both parties or at least one of the parties. Blech.

Isn't it disgusting? I mean just the thought of doing that to my Bubu is disgusting! I guess we dont share the same principles. But it being the trend here, I mean in the Filipino community I am subjected to tolerate, is the lamest excuse I have heard.

The only trend I like is fashion trend. That kind of trend is for people who didnt like Uggs boots. They dont have very good tastes.

What Theodorica Means...

What Theodorica Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

This is soooo me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Another Night Spent Staring at My Ceiling.

I've been thinking. And yes, I have been hurting myself thinking about this. I'm thinking about what to do with my life. I hate it when everything is so uncertain and I dont have a clear path to take where I absolutely know what will happen to me if I take it. I hate making choices. I wish someone could just tell me what to do, but I'm sure the rebel in me would hate that too.

It may seem like I am living "the life." Imagine a young (well, not really) person like me being able to travel and work and doing what she loves to do in the country she's always dreamed of going? Seems like paradise right? No. Right now I have a decision to make. A major one, and it's going to change my life, my plans and my future.

*some parts deleted due to security reasons.

I'm old!!!

I saw some pics...and then I realized I am old...

before (circa 2005) and after (circa 2008)

Botox, here I come?

My Prince = Forever.

There are times when I just want to look at your face
With the stars in the night
There are times when I just want to feel your embrace
In the cold night
I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be with forevermore

All those years I've longed to hold you in my arms
I've been dreaming of you
Every night I've been watching all the stars that fall down
Wishing you will be mine now
I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be with forevermore

Time and again there are these changes
That we cannot end
As sure as time keeps going on and on
My love for you will be forevermore

I just can't believe that you are mine now
You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world

As endless as forever
Our love will stay together
You are all I need to be with forevermore

As endless as forever(forever)
Our love will stay together(together)
You are all I need to be with forevermore

~~I listened to this song on the way home. One of the guys had a cd of it. I remembered how much I miss my Bubu.

Caught In A Web Of Energies!

I feel like a goddamn pingpong ball. Hit back in forth into positive and negative energy fields. I'm dizzy. Ulk.

No cannot be. I have to have only one energy field to move in. And thats positive. And should become some sort of a mantra.

No more hows. Just know you will get it.

Anxiety.

I'm anxious. My aunt just called me to tell me she already found an employer for me. Well, a prospective employer. Mixed emotions. I'm happy, at the same time, I'm scared. I dont know how to be in architecture anymore. I mean I was there for a while. Okay, who am I kidding for 6 years of my life. :) But since embracing cooking as a more realistic career for me. Not to mention my passion, I've quite buried the fact that I have a degree in Architecture. A degree that was filled with tears, disappointments, highs and dreams.

I dont want to let go of the life I have right now. Of what I am doing, of the dreams I have rebuilt. But this is the only way for me to be able to get the things I want. So I guess, this is it. I'm anxious. I dont know what its gonna be like again. But I know in some way I should be able to find an outlet. To be able to still become the person I want to be.

What I Love About My Life Right Now.

Francis. DUH (Kailangan pa bang imemorize yan?!)

Valley Metro - except when I get left by the bus. Happened to me this morning. The bus didnt wait long enough!

Scottsdale Fashion Square - Great mall! :)

See's Candies!

The independence I really have. I actually have a choice of taking or not my mom's phone calls! HAHA

The way I miss my dad.

My roomies, Ate Sandra and Ate Belen. 2140 is a bit more tolerable coz of them.

Sunday's off! - I get to go to church.

My boss!!! - He's the bestest and one of the cutest boss I've had. :)

Picking up some Spanish and Italian phrases. :)

Arizona Tidbits. Laughable.

I was just thinking about the funny things that has happened to me so far...

I was Ugly Betty for halloween. And it was soooo fitting.

I washed the dishes for the 3rd time using the dishwasher and I flooded up the kitchen. HAHA

Running to avoid the cold, which actually makes it colder.

Pushing the costco cart back to the apartment, with every intention of bringing it back, when I was going back down the cart was gone. Two days later I saw it in the trash bin.

Running after the bus.

Always getting stuck listening to homeless people. And getting begged at! Grah!

Sticking my hand in the pizza oven when its cold even in the kitchen.

Stopping and petting almost every dog I come across with.

Walking into Nordstroms with my hand carry luggage, that had wheels, I usually use as my purse in case I shopped and couldnt carry anymore bags. I looked like a hilly billy!

Defrosting a pack of pork and almost flooding my kitchen again! :) Blech!

The thought.

FRANCIS AND RICA ARE WEALTHY. VERY WEALTHY!

Nikon D300 here I cooooommmmmmmmmeee!!!! :)

Mini Cooper! Vrrooom!!!

Happy Valentines!

Well...this is my first Valentine's in a different country. Its not as overrated as the Philippines. Ulk. HAHA Sorry, I just never really celebrated Valentine's properly I guess. I always celebrated with my friends. Single girls, you know?

I am so irritated with Francis and his obsession with his stupid muscles. Swear. I hate muscles. The perfect body I've seen so far is Carlos'. It's lean enough, not too much muscles. I'm sure his girlfriend loves to snuggle up to him. Not to mention that he's muy gwapito. Francis used to be sexy. Now he's just one bulk of hard mass. Blech. Not so sexy at all, its even borderline gay.

Anyway, we had a good evening at the restaurant. I'm sure the servers made alot of money. I wonder how romantic the couples were. But they're old. So it may seem icky. They can be cute though. When they're not pain in the asses. HAHA

Little smiles of my day.

We were walking at Gateway Mall to the parking lot after dinner with my bestfriend. At the escalator you turned to me and hugged me and you said "Uuwi na tayo. Ayaw ko."

We were in Cafe Breton after the we watched the sunrise in Tagaytay and you said "Give me a kiss!"

The way you squeezed my hand to direct me where we are going.

You picked me up from work in TriNoMa and when you saw me you walked towards me, gave me a big hug and whispered to my ear "I miss you." Accompanied by a silly smile on your face.

The way you always carried that collage I made in your bag. Is it still there?

~~Just some of the things I was remembering today.

Ka-caw!

You will never hear it back home. A hawk or raven or crow ka-cawing. It's one of those surreal things here in Arizona.

Here birds actually circle above you. You can watch them fly, chirp and transfer from branch to branch.

In Desert Mountain, javelinas (wild pig), cayotes and deer prance about. People dont shoot them. Someone will have your ass if you do that.

Its nice. It's actually one of the things I like about here.

The Last.

This is my one last rant. Actually, I have not much to rant about. I have a good job, was fortunate enough to be able to come here. Although I miss my Bubu so much. Thats it. I miss him super duper duper duper miss!!!

Today, I will forget about the people who get into my nerves and laugh everthing off.

Today, I will focus on the positive things that are happening to me.

Today, I will believe in the abundance of the earth.

Today, I will have faith in God to lead me to the right direction. And back in my Bubu's arms.

Today, nothing others say can shake me, pull me down or annoy me.

Today, I am invincible.

Well...to them.