2nd Timers.

When I was in college I had two buddies who were together for the four years we were studying. Being hopeless romantics, I think we all thought they would eventually graduate and get married. They did everything together, if we had groups they're always together in one group, if we only had partners they were naturally partners. They're the kind of couple you wanna hang out with they never make you feel like you are a third wheel. They had a funny story. One I will always remember.

In our thesis year, they broke up. The whole barkada was shocked and sad. They still managed to be friends. And I think our girl friend has never really stopped loving our guy friend. And like most hopeless romantics, I always thought they'd get back together and still graduate and get married, eventually. But we all graduated, they did not get back together. We all saw each other from time to time. Some of us moved across the oceans to try something new, some of us stayed back. Each other moved on and had their own relationships.

Sometime last year, our guy friend was doing something for my aunt and he always had our girl friend with him. My nosey mom thought they are back together. I teased them but they wouldnt say anything. HEHE But now it can finally be said that they are back together. After almost 10 years since they first got together and after 5 years of living separate lives, they managed to find their way back to each other.

So, eventually...hopefully in the next few years, they will get married. I love happy endings! :)

I'm such a jealous little freak. :(

Hindi parin natatanggal ang sakit. Lampas isang taon na, masakit parin. Hindi nawala, hindi nabawasan, mas lalong lumalim ang mga sugat.

Ngayon sabihin mo sa akin, mali ba na sa halip na hilingin ko na maging matatag tayo, eh hinihiling ko na sana matapos na tayo. Kasama nun matatapos ang kalbaryo ko.

Reality TV Shows.

I am living my life through other people's lives! Well, at least some of the stuff that I want in my life. Some people literally have everything they could ever want in their lives.

I'm jealous.

Friday.

My Friday night consists of frozen pizza, Grey Goose, Simply Orange and tired feet.

Oh...and a broken heart.

Jamil.

I've been working with Jamil for the past 2 months. He arrived in St. John's 4 months before I did and he took the time to offer to show me around and help me find a house. He also answers most of my immigration questions as his wife is already coming here to Canada to join him. He gave me tips and some of the stuff he needed to do so that he can get her a visa. I'm happy for him.

We share the same sentiments at work, and I talked to him with some issues in my life, for lack of anyone to talk to. Fleeting conversation, not a lot of details but he was able to give me some insights.

I envy him. But at the same time, I'm happy for him.

7 Years.

Bitch.

Why not? For the past 7 years I have been getting bitch slapped by life. So why not become one? So I can fight, so I can hit back. 7 years, of just sitting, watching things unfold, holding in all the pain and anger.

2004 was the year I first had a real relationship. It was like magic. Imagine meeting someone and feeling the intense chemistry between you. It felt like it was destiny for you to be with him. And after some rough time, when I thought it was working out rather nicely, life decided to slap reality to my face. He said, he didn't love me the way he had before. And I thought about all the things I have done for him, for the relationship, to make it work. Where could I have gone wrong? He said that it wasn't me. It was him. He just couldn't feel the way he used to feel for me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He said no. And so, I defeatedly let him go. There was no use fighting a losing battle. It was okay, until I found out later on that he DID have someone else. He just didn't have it in him to tell me he truth. Did he know how much it hurt? To be betrayed like that? To believe that it was just really not working out only to find out the painful truth that he just couldn't fight for me in his heart. That he just decided to love someone else, despite all the sacrifices I made for him.

After awhile and a few other boys, I met someone who intrigued me. Who drew me in and I found myself in a relationship again. Again it felt like magic. It didn't necessarily feel right, but the magic was enough to make it seem so. And I jumped right in with my eyes closed, and then I crashed. He had someone else. And it took 2 women to send me e-mails to believe that he really didn't care about me at all. That he was just using me. He took everything for me. I had nothing. Just a mess of a broken heart.

And then there was a surprise. When I least expected it, when I least wanted it, when I least needed it. But again, it was magic. How can I ignore it? My heart couldn't. Even if I knew otherwise. I followed my heart. Damn heart! It didn't know any better. It never knew. Of course I also barely knew him. I was too excited, too caught up in all the magic and fairy tales that I overlooked this, that I ignored it. Soon after I would find out that he was just like the others. Too many women in his life. What they, who they are to him, I can't even tell. I don't know where I stand.

And so here I am, after 7 years...still broken. A mixture of shattered dreams and a battered heart. I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes. I just want to disappear. I want curl up in my bed and cover myself up in my blankets and never move. Not in even to breathe. I can hear my head pounding, trying to cope with the madness around me. I am so angry.

It's been 7 years. Now I wont watch anymore. I will hit back.

...

Do you know what it feels like to be consumed in fear and anger? I do. I feel it now. I feel it pulsating through my veins. I am angry. But I am also scared.

I am angry at situation I am in now. I don't know whose fault it is that I am here. I don't know what drove me here. I am angry at the people who I blame for pushing me to be who I am today. I am angry.

I am scared of what will happen. I am scared of the person I have become. But at the same time, I am scared to be anyone less of who I am today. I don't want the same people to think they can do it to me all over again.

I Hate People.

Fuck 'em all.

New Home.

Well...at least for next two years! HAHA

I am in Newfoundland, Canada. And this is where I will be for the next two years! :) It's amazing how all my dreams are coming true. :) Next stop FCI?

:)

The world is at my feet right now!

I'm so excited!!! I can't stand it!

Wee!

Friendships In A Foreign Land.

Real friends nowadays are hard to come by, what more if you are in a foreign land. Sure, I have roommates whom I talk to, I have colleagues whom I see everyday at work but I cannot seem to fully bring myself to consider most of them friends. I know that if one day I needed help, I know that I cannot rely on any of these people to be there for me.

Some of them are weird. Some of them are two faced. Some of them are just plain nasty. But the thing that really irritates me and scares me the most are the two faced ones. They talk shit about someone, and that someone thinks that they are "okay" worse is that they are friends. And it makes you wonder, what the hell does this person say about me behind my back?! You know what I mean? UGH. I wonder how these people have friends. And I wonder if they're friends know what kind of friends they have.

So I am really glad to know that I already have the friends I need. And these new people, I'm not sure what to make of them.

Highs.

I am so happy! :)

I know, I am also so bi-polar. But hey, I'll take it! :P

Anyway, I'm waiting for a few things in the next few weeks and I'm starting to feel good. Even with some unavoidable annoyances. :)

Lovin' it.

...

I'm Rica. I'm 28, and I want to be free again.

Thanks.

Happy New Year!!!!

I'm a few days late. HEHE I was busy at work and stressed with all the paperwork I had to do. And like what my good friend Joal said "Just like that it's 2011!!!" He is right, time flew by so fast! I only have 1 year and half to stay here in the US. And well, some of my goals are still floating around. I'm kicking off the new year broke, haha. I have to pay off some bills and saving to pay off my aunt.

First Quarter of 2010

It started out somber and depressing, with all the fights. And to pass time, attention and avoid losing it, I started to actively nurture relationships with friends. New friends and old friends I had been neglecting, I bonded more with my good friend Kevin, kept in touch with my Ate Sandy, April and the ones I left (and miss dearly) back home. And for awhile, I actually started to enjoy myself again, as long as I didn't pick up the phone to talk to him. But of course, things do not turn out that way.

Second Quarter of 2010

I was going back to the Cape! Not in Orleans, but Provincetown. I was so excited. I wrapped up work in Florida and headed over to Ptown! No, I didn't do Disneyworld or MCA Universal (I need to go back!) but I guess there will be a next time. Provincetown is interesting. I like it there but I had some problems with work, and I just had to suck it up. I also met some awesome people!!! I will never forget them!

Third Quarter of 2010

The visit was the highlight of this part of the year. My relationship seemed to be healing, aside from some relapses from my part. I was also finally going back to Arizona. Provincetown's charm was slowly wearing off and I'm gearing up for my visit to NYC! I am so excited to be seeing one of my bestest friends! I was also very lonely and saddened with the goodbyes.

Fourth Quarter of 2010

Celebrating my birthday alone. Celebrating our anniversary alone. But we weren't fighting as much as we used to, which was good. Holidays!!! I had to work on a lot of them but the best was being off Christmas and having him and his parents come to spend Christmas with me. New Year was spent working, as usual. But at least we didn't argue that day, for a change.

Heartfelt thank you's to:

Mama, Papa - Thank you for being the most understanding parents ever!

Nanay - You always surprise me with how much you really love us and you show it in such a different way. Even when you are sooo makulit. Love you!

Mom and Dad (aunt and uncle) - Thank you for being so supportive of me!

Rey - I love you!

Kevin and Manel - thank you for your time and effort spent on keeping our friendship going!

Antonette - soulsista, I miss you! Happy Birthday this month!

April - I don't know how long you'll be around, but I'll take what I can get!

My JIC friends: I miss you guys dearly!!!

My DMC Filipino friends: Thank you! :)

Day Dreams.

Right now, I'm always dreaming about going back to school. Taking up Pastry Arts at FCI in NY. And then jetting off to Japan for some authentic sushi making classes and then finally ending up in Singapore for some Asian cooking classes. I just checked out the school in Singapore that I was looking at way back and it seems things have changed. So now, I don't know where to go! HAHA

See, I read somewhere that if you can imagine it, it already exists and the universe will conspire in making it happen for you!!! So, I am imagining this:

1. I will study pastry arts at the French Culinary Institute.

2. I will study Sushi making in Japan, along with Japanese cuisine.

3. I will study Asian cuisine in Singapore.

:) :) :)

2010 Christmas Wishlist.

It's a little late this year, but...here goes.

1. Spend Christmas with Rey.

2. Win the lottery jackpot.

3. Xbox Console, Kinect with Dance Central game.

4. To be able to fix paperwork so I can stay in one place.

5. Pay off debts. (Related to #2)

Relatively short. That's all thanks!

New Year's Resolution

So it's almost the new year again! I only have one new year's resolution. Lose weight, AND FUCKIN' keep it off!!!

I'm sick and tired of gaining and losing weight. And watching bits and pieces of shows like, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (cutting girls out because the gained weight), Bridaplasty (Future brides wanting surgery before they get married so they can look perfect on their wedding day) and whatever else is out there.

Gah.

Nextweek: Christmas wishlist.

Bi-Polar.

Sometimes when I talk to you, I feel so happy. All the feelings I had for you back then stat to flood back and I remember everything I felt when I fell in love with you.

BUT...

There are also nights like this, when the pain starts to swell again. And then I feel like, I don't want to be in this with you anymore.

I can't make up my mind about us.

Fuck, I give up.

Again for the nth time today I am browsing thru your profile. Looking at all the things that changed since you decided to cut me off. Something that you have denied to this day. But the truth is, I do not know why you can't see it. You did cut me off.

A few weeks ago you said that you put everything back. But we cant go back to how it used to be. We can't. No matter how hard you check, no matter how many times you do it, there is no denying our problems. There is no denying that what we once had is now broken. And there is no turning back. It doesn't matter if you put every single piece back in places, its never the same when it was whole. It will never EVER be the same again. It cannot be whole again. We cannot be whole again.

I'm sorry. So. Fuck this, I give up.