Things To Look Forward To In 2009.

There are a few of things I am looking forward to in 2009. And I must say that I am anxiously excited for the year to come! :D

- The opening of La Cuisine Francaise branch!

- Setting up the business with my fiance.

- Spending some real "together" time with my fiance.

- Getting more into my art. No matter how busy I got. HAHA *crosses fingers*

- Our plans. HEHE Don't want to say too much here. HEHE

So there, here are some of the things that's on top of my head! :D I can't wait!

2008 Was Great Afterall.

Well, this has been a year of wonderful suprises! And even with all the tears I shed, I am ending the year with one big smile on my face. And I guess you know who, why and what the reason is. HAHA. So in review...

Christmas Eve.

So uneventful. I think I should've stayed at work a bit longer. But I really wanted to talk to my fiance. We haven't been talking as much since I started to work. And if this goes as planned then our whole set up will change too. We'll have less time to spend on the phone.

I wanted to ask him not to drive later (his time). I wont be working tomorrow (my time) so I have that "old" time in the morning after his work. Well I actually tried to ask already but he seemed to really wanna get out and drive around. Usually when he wants to spend time with me, it's like a no-brainer, I come first. But oh well. I will be with my future boss on the 26th (my time) and I don't know what time I will be going home.

I just wanted to spend time with him while I still can...

Pissed.

My morning or should I say noon started out way off. I don't know if it still has anything to do with my disappointing nightcap. I was so happy yesterday, I was practically bouncing off the walls. Argh. I have no idea what the fuck I am doing here.

I miss LA. I miss pastrami subs and minestrone from Giamela's nights. I miss hanging out at BOFA. I miss getting surprise 5 minute-ers from my boyfriend, now fiance. I miss wheat bagels with low fat cream cheese. I miss quarterback crunch at Baskin'. I miss Nordstroms and Costco. I miss papap sessions with Beenie and Keeta. I miss Atwater Village farmer's market after church and eating pupusas after buying apple pie. I miss Fr. Harrigan!!! I miss Angeles Crest. I want another hotdog from Pinks. I miss Target. I miss Nauset Beach. I miss Skaket Beach. I miss sitting on my favorite bench at the Window to the Cove Park. I actually miss biking back to Jackie's house. I miss online shopping at Amazon.

Most importantly, I miss him. We're slowly getting used to the distance, I think. I hate this feeling. I'm slowly adjusting to the life back here. Slowly getting used to being alone. Slowly getting used to not having anyone at my side, again. I know it's absurd, what we had together was short. It wasn't enough to even be thinking about the things that I have been thinking about. But I don't know, I couldn't just shake it off. It's like I ate something that left a bad taste in my mouth.

Ugh. I seriously need to get a brand new perspective on some things. I need to go to my secret place!

grainy views
unclear lines
cracked voices
dead reception

quiet longing
silent whispers
I LOVE YOU.
distance embraced

come to me
i need you now
yearning for your smile
I MISS YOU.

miles stretched
across mountains and seas
close the gap
and never let go.

Family Ties.

My fiance hung out with my fave aunt. Wait, what am I talking about she's my only aunt! I'm soooo happy that he hung out with her. Even if it took him forever to get home. My aunt's always been fun and she has fun friends.

Its's fun to know he's slowly inching his way into my family. Although, I'm not really making an effort to inch into his. Ack. But I really should start. But I'm kinda shy to do it. I feel like such an outsider. Argh. I just have this feeling that his family might snub me or something. His mom is great though. And his dad. His mom is also a UST Alumni, she told me so when we talked. But I also heard her when she's mad. She called his ex, desperate. I don't blame her though, I would too if I woke up in the dead of the night because of a phone call.

But I am really excited because my family's never really liked anyone I dated before. I hope they can meet him soon! I'm sure they'll understand why I love him. I cannot be any happier right now.

What's New?

Gosh, it's almost a turn of another year! 2009. I have a year and one month before I get married. (We have an actual date already! And I already have everything else put down, it's just a matter of organizing. ;P) HAHA I have soooo many things to do! First on my list is, get my Chef job. Ayiyiyiyiyiiii!!! HAHA Should I go corporate? HAHA. So many choices! I cannot believe how they are all under my impatient nose right now!

So, many things have happened. People have come and gone. Feelings have climaxed and then died down. I have some rather new people in my life which company's I'm enjoying. I "recalled" an old friend. I went away from home for a whole year and got to feel "independence". And then I came home. Blech. And now I am back here living with my parents. Double blech. I WANT MY OWN PLACE!!! Aaaaghhh!

(From my besty -- when I told her I'm getting married: "Nako, you're always getting married! Maniniwala lang ako pag na-plan na lahat!") I just had to put this here. She's hilarious!

So there, I am looking forward to several job interviews! I am sooo excited! Also, I have a new niece!!! I am also excited about her! My nephews are now 3 years old!? Can you believe it? HAHA So I am the last DV kid to have a kid of my own. Hargh!

I wonder what 2009 has in store for me!!! I am sooo excited!

Year Ender.

Whoa. In 1999, I thought I had the funnest party ever, after attending my besty's 18th birthday! NOT! We've had a few more fun party's -- Magic 89.9 chatroom's christmas party, Antonette's surprise party, our barkada's Christmas party (I miss black cuz and kuya rod!), a couple more barkada Christmas parties - each year seeing new faces, some have moved on -- nonetheless we still had fun, Jenny's despidia, and last tuesday's surprise party for Clem and also Lilystar's Christmas party!

We missed a few old friends, as usual, some have "moved on". While some just moved away. There were some that I only met that day. There were some I've known for a few years. But I must say even if I spent a good hour or two on the internet with my boyfriend, I HAD FUN!!!!!!

I think the only thing that tops this is when I celebrated my birthday at Disney. HEHE I wonder how we'll be celebrating the New Year?!

B-Side.

A part of me I never knew. Last night I was reading his blog archives. You see, I am trying to find answers to the endless questions in my head. To bring peace to my heart and the inner monologues. The whispers, the hushes, the silent screams...are deafening. But I was also reading MY own archives. Trying to re-learn old lessons that I might've forgotten.

I realized as I was doing this, as I clicked on another page of older posts of his blog, that I am jealous. Jealous of people from his past that I didn't know. I wasn't even in his life then. I had no right to be. But still, I can't help that growing gnaw in my heart...until I came to his first post.

I have never been like this. Yes, I have always been curious of a loved one's past. For the simple reason that I want to understand him better. Or maybe give me a head's up. But to be jealous of it. To be envious that I wasn't that person that he referred to then...never. I was never that kind of a person. Until last night.

I need to look for the real me. I hope she hasn't gotten that far.

New Year's Resolutions And Thank Yous For The Year.

It's that time of the year! Since it's December, I deem it necessary to write some things down. So to start off, my new year's resolution for next year.

1. Lose/Maintain my weight.
2. Make myself more productive.
3. Simplify my life.
4. Church on Sundays.
5. Confession when necessary.

----------
And for Thank You's:

My family, for never failing to be there.

My friends (I don't need to name drop), I know at some point we didn't talk much the past year. The year was rough for me, and I am eternally grateful for the time that you took to talk to me whenever I needed someone.

To you, R! Thank you for everythng. For letting me have the best time of my life during the rest of my stay. For loving me. For nursing me back from the shit I was in. I love you. And I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you, hopefully.

To my bosses - you've been great thanks for taking the chance on me.

To my roommates, Ate Sandra and Ate Belen. Meanies, always! :) Miss you.

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And the highlights of my year:

Found a great guy to love! (Il mio amore più grande!)

Had great oppurtunities!

Went to loads of places! Los Angeles, CA (Finally went to DISNEYLAND!!!) - Las Vegas, NV - Sedona, AZ - Flagstaff, AZ (Grand Canyon!!! Super experience!) - Phoenix, AZ - New York, NY - Orleans, MA - Hyannis, MA - Nantucket, MA (Loooove this place!) - Chatham, MA - Boston, MA

Gambled in Vegas.

Walked on The Strip, tipsy!

Flirted with someone at the bar. (Well I knew him a little bit...HAHA)

Travelled alone.

Embraced being alone.

Shopped till I drop.

Got a Nikon D90!!!

Very Special Love

By Lani Misalucha

I never believed in love
I was deceived by love
I never had much luck with lovers before

And I couldn't compete
I seemed just part of the street
To be walked on by everyone but then

Then, I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

You're not like the rest
I know you're one of the best
You give more than you should and take nothing in return

Stay always with me
And I always will be
The one person that you can count on always to love you

And I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

And I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

(repeat and fade out)

----------------
I'm in love. HEHE

Great guy...so far. *peace*

I'm in love. HEHE

I'm so so so so so so in love. HIHI

I'm giggling! HAHA

I just woke up today and I realized that I love him more everyday.

I cannot wait till I'm with him again.

I'm soooo excited!

I miss him terribly.

I will be with him again and we will be happy!

Another Used To Be...

By Joe

[Verse 1]
I brought you here
so that i can express the things i've been thinkin bout
give me your ear
Cuz i don't normally do this so bear with me through this.
there are so many things
that i want to say
but let me start by saying this saying i thank you.
darling just because

[Chorus]
I used to love someone that i didn't like
we used to want to break up every other night
i used to think realationships were a lot of stress
i used to think that pain was a part of Happiness
now all that's changed since you've come my way,
but i don't want us to become
Another used to be.

[Verse 2]
I hope what i'm saying
don't discourage you in any kind of way
cuz i do believe that
you have The potential to be everything i need
i hope that you can really understand
that i would hate To be with someone new,
and tell them what i'm telling you.

[Chorus]


[Verse 3]
Cuz it would only be
another waste of time
and all the moment to be raised i would bout my Mind
another memory a part of history.
I cant forget cuz it keeps haunting me.
Now that your Here is evidently clear,
but i don't ever have to have this worry again again. ooohhhooooooo.

[Chorus x3]

---------
...And I don't want us to become...another used to be...

Forever remember?

I Want US, I Want YOU.

I want US to be invincible.
- The kind of love that says "No matter what..." The kind of bond that is unsinkable.


I want US to protect each other.
- But how? There are things that's beyond our control.


I want US to be happy.
- Even if we are far apart and we miss each other, I hope that we can be happy and content knowing that we are both working hard to be together again.


I want US to fall in love with each other over and over again.
- So the romance doesn't end, and that there is always room for love and forgiveness.

I want US to be forever...and ever...and ever.
- No happy endings, just happy forever...

Can't Face The Tides.

It's probably like seeing a ghost. I didn't see you but my mom did. We could only laugh at the realization that you (still) weren't man enough to face us. Or maybe you would never get the courage to. Of course knowing the things you did. A guilty soul. I feel bad for you in a way.

Don't worry, I still have some left over faith in you that you will change. People change. I did. And so will you. But I hope you get better, not sloppier. Face the music, my dear. Be man enough to stand up for the things you did, because even if you knew it was wrong to do them you still chose to do them.

Again, consequences. :)

100 Things I Want To Do Before I Die. (Update)

I was going to list it according to priority but it was just freakin' too hard! So it's random!

1. Have my own family.

2. Meet the pope.

3. Build and sponsor a church.

4. Open my own foundation that will help children and old people.

5. Get married at Chapel on the Hill, and then have my reception at Antonio's.

6. Learn to scuba dive.

7. Open my own restaurant and get a Michelin star!

8. Travel around the Philippines.

9. Send a child to school, other than my own.

10. Become an Executive Chef.

11. Train under a Michelin starred chef.

12. Meet Lea Salonga.

13. Send my parents on a nice vacation abroad.

14. Study another language.

15. Backpack in Europe.

16. Travel entirely by train. Amtrak here I come!!! HAHA

17. Go on a cruise. Caribbean, Mediterranean, Asian, all of em cruises!

18. Retire somewhere where there's sand and sea! Anvaya Cove and Hamilo?

19. Go to Boracay because everyone's been there except me!

20. Ride a rollercoaster.

21. Go on a memorable date. As in a melt your heart type of date, the kind you only see on movies.

22. Make out with a Greek hunk! HEHE

23. Fly first class!

24. Parasail!

25. Ride a hot air balloon.

26. Sing solo for a crowd.

27. Buy one of each : Porsche, BMW, Mercedes and an Audi.

28. Prepare gourmet food for the homeless.

29. Take the board exams.

30. Sit in front of a fireplace and cuddle with my boyfriend.

31. Teach. Although I'm not sure how I'm going to do it.

32. Contribute something to the culinary world.

33. Go to Egypt, Greece, Rome and be awed by their architectural history.

34. Vacation or have my honeymoon at Bora-bora.

35. Shop till I drop.

36. Buy a Nikon D80.

37. Make love with my hubby in a public place without getting caught. HAHA

38. Study photography.

39. Have an exhibit of my works.

40. Mentor an apprentice.

41. Watch a meteor shower.

42. Go out flying with my uncle.

43. Treat my dad on a date.

44. Sail with my uncle.

45. Hike up a mountain summit.

46. To be able to say that I loved someone greatly.

47. Learn yoga.

48. Become skinny! Fit into size 6, non stretch jeans.

49. Be the woman behind a sucessful man.

50. Travel alone.

51. Learn kabbalah.

52. Write a culinary/recipe book.

53. Build my own house, build not buy.

54. Compose my own picture book.

55. Buy all the kitchen utensil and equipment a culinary freak can need!

56. Participate in a nude photography session.

57. Eat at a michelin starred restaurant! (Fernando Pointe's and Bernard Loiseu's among them)

58. Go to Paris with my boyfriend/husband.

59. Dance in the rain.

60. Be totally disconnected for a whole day. No mobile phones or internet.

61. Teach History of Architecture.

62. Adopt two dogs every 3 years.

63. Learn to play a musical instrument.

64. Kiss Brian Littrell! HAHAHA

65. Own a starbucks and coffee bean and tea leaf branch!

66. Watch a "live show".

67. Buy my own theatre, think MTV Cribs home theatre.

68. Learn to play tennis.

69. Go on a Luzon roadtrip! Because it's the easiest island for a roadtrip!

70. Swim with the butandings.

71. Pet a dolphin.

72. Cook for royalty.

73. Make sure my family will never have to eat in a fast food.

73. Go to a nude beach.

74. Treat my mom and my dad to a shopping spree.

75. Treat my mom to a cosmetic surgery, she's always talking about getting a facelift.

76. Watch a space craft launch.

77. Go to Disneyland!

78. Ride a calesa.

79. Ride a vinta!

80. Share an apartment with Kevin and Manel.

81. Be happy and content.

82. Camp on an island.

83. Go to church every single sunday of an entire year.

84. Learn to surf.

85. Love without fear.

86. Celebrate my birthday in an orphanage.

87. Join volunteer work.

88. Take a Holy Land Pilgrimage.

89. Party in Ibiza, Spain.

90. Get a tattoo.

91. Be part of a musical play.

92. Run for office! HAHA

93. Be able to enjoy my life.

94. Buy really sexy underwear. Victoria Secret sexy! HAHA

95. Read all of Paulo Coelho's books.

96. Have my lasik surgery.

97. Go to a volcano crate.

98. Be in a lifestyle show.

99. Shoplift. I just want to know how it feels.

100. Ski on the Swiss slopes.

Whew...that's alot! :)

Clueless.

For what seemed like the nth time. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKIN' DO WITH MY FUCKIN' LIFE! ARGH! All I know is...

- I need a job. Savings are running low, can't keep spending and not earning.

- I need to go back to the US, because I want to be with him.

- I want to get more experience on my chosen career. But it seems that everytime a good oppurtunity to do it comes, matters of the heart interferes.

- I feel like I am being asked to choose again, between him and my career.

- I feel anxious about how the winter H2B applications are going to be like this time around.

What do I do?! Grrrrr.

Overrated Fears.

Fearless.

I don't know what its like being fearless. Maybe because I always have something to lose. For once, I want to be able to do things I want to do and not fear anything.

I don't want to fear failure.

I don't want to fear losing someone I love dearly.

I don't want to fear not knowing what's in store for me.

I don't want to fear not having anyone to go back to.

I don't want to fear the feeling that to gain something is lose something else.

I don't want to fear falling, helplessly in love with someone because I don't want to get hurt.

Fearless. I want to be fearless.

A Break On Love.

It's been three weeks since I got here, I have sent out numerous resumes to every 5 star hotel in the city, every fine dining restaurant in the metro and still nothing. Arrgggh. So frustrating! And top it all off with friends trying to break my spirits that I'm going back to the US in a few months. Ugh.

What have I done?! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Missing You.

Have you ever heard someone say "I miss you so much, it hurts."? Do you know why they say this? Because it literally happens. It's not just some cheesy smooth-talker line, although I will not guarantee that it has not been used and over used by some people. It really does happen. Do you know how it feels?

It starts off as a feeling of longing to be with that person. Then a sudden wave of tightness or tension engulfs you from your head down to your chest. At times it would start from my nose. And then it sort of washes away. And when you think about that person again, it happens all over again.

It's not a funny feeling. It's like you are holding back the urge to cry. And then when you can't anymore, you just find tears brimming from your eyes.

"There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is caused by the absence of you!"

I miss you...terribly.

Oh, Love!

I am talking to my bestfriend in whole wide world, Antonette. And our topic of the day is *drumroll* LOVE.

Unconditional love, sometimes when I talk to her about love I feel like I haven't really loved anyone. And then I start to think about the things I did for previous relationships? Isn't that not love? The desire I had back then when I was still so blinded by love, to work things out inspite of the things that happened. But she told me that she believes in a way that all the people in our lives (friends and ex-partners) we loved. Boy, I was relieved.

You see, I take those experiences and I consider them like a stepping stone to the big one. If a relationship fails, as hard as it is for me to let go of it initially. When I come to realizations, I always find that the relationship taught me something that will possibly help me when my prince finally finds me! So in away it's learning process to perfecting the art of loving the one God has prepared for you.

Do I make sense? I guess the hard part is retaining the lessons, sometimes we become so overcome by our emotions that we forget to go back to the things we learned. Like what the alchemist said right? About the soul of the world? About the tests, and about how it's not because it is evil, but because it wants you to master the lessons it taught you so you can achieve your personal legend.

:)