Wednesday, July 27, 2011

2nd Timers.

When I was in college I had two buddies who were together for the four years we were studying. Being hopeless romantics, I think we all thought they would eventually graduate and get married. They did everything together, if we had groups they're always together in one group, if we only had partners they were naturally partners. They're the kind of couple you wanna hang out with they never make you feel like you are a third wheel. They had a funny story. One I will always remember.

In our thesis year, they broke up. The whole barkada was shocked and sad. They still managed to be friends. And I think our girl friend has never really stopped loving our guy friend. And like most hopeless romantics, I always thought they'd get back together and still graduate and get married, eventually. But we all graduated, they did not get back together. We all saw each other from time to time. Some of us moved across the oceans to try something new, some of us stayed back. Each other moved on and had their own relationships.

Sometime last year, our guy friend was doing something for my aunt and he always had our girl friend with him. My nosey mom thought they are back together. I teased them but they wouldnt say anything. HEHE But now it can finally be said that they are back together. After almost 10 years since they first got together and after 5 years of living separate lives, they managed to find their way back to each other.

So, eventually...hopefully in the next few years, they will get married. I love happy endings! :)

Monday, July 25, 2011

I'm such a jealous little freak. :(

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Hindi parin natatanggal ang sakit. Lampas isang taon na, masakit parin. Hindi nawala, hindi nabawasan, mas lalong lumalim ang mga sugat.

Ngayon sabihin mo sa akin, mali ba na sa halip na hilingin ko na maging matatag tayo, eh hinihiling ko na sana matapos na tayo. Kasama nun matatapos ang kalbaryo ko.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Reality TV Shows.

I am living my life through other people's lives! Well, at least some of the stuff that I want in my life. Some people literally have everything they could ever want in their lives.

I'm jealous.

Friday, July 08, 2011


My Friday night consists of frozen pizza, Grey Goose, Simply Orange and tired feet.

Oh...and a broken heart.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011


I've been working with Jamil for the past 2 months. He arrived in St. John's 4 months before I did and he took the time to offer to show me around and help me find a house. He also answers most of my immigration questions as his wife is already coming here to Canada to join him. He gave me tips and some of the stuff he needed to do so that he can get her a visa. I'm happy for him.

We share the same sentiments at work, and I talked to him with some issues in my life, for lack of anyone to talk to. Fleeting conversation, not a lot of details but he was able to give me some insights.

I envy him. But at the same time, I'm happy for him.

7 Years.


Why not? For the past 7 years I have been getting bitch slapped by life. So why not become one? So I can fight, so I can hit back. 7 years, of just sitting, watching things unfold, holding in all the pain and anger.

2004 was the year I first had a real relationship. It was like magic. Imagine meeting someone and feeling the intense chemistry between you. It felt like it was destiny for you to be with him. And after some rough time, when I thought it was working out rather nicely, life decided to slap reality to my face. He said, he didn't love me the way he had before. And I thought about all the things I have done for him, for the relationship, to make it work. Where could I have gone wrong? He said that it wasn't me. It was him. He just couldn't feel the way he used to feel for me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He said no. And so, I defeatedly let him go. There was no use fighting a losing battle. It was okay, until I found out later on that he DID have someone else. He just didn't have it in him to tell me he truth. Did he know how much it hurt? To be betrayed like that? To believe that it was just really not working out only to find out the painful truth that he just couldn't fight for me in his heart. That he just decided to love someone else, despite all the sacrifices I made for him.

After awhile and a few other boys, I met someone who intrigued me. Who drew me in and I found myself in a relationship again. Again it felt like magic. It didn't necessarily feel right, but the magic was enough to make it seem so. And I jumped right in with my eyes closed, and then I crashed. He had someone else. And it took 2 women to send me e-mails to believe that he really didn't care about me at all. That he was just using me. He took everything for me. I had nothing. Just a mess of a broken heart.

And then there was a surprise. When I least expected it, when I least wanted it, when I least needed it. But again, it was magic. How can I ignore it? My heart couldn't. Even if I knew otherwise. I followed my heart. Damn heart! It didn't know any better. It never knew. Of course I also barely knew him. I was too excited, too caught up in all the magic and fairy tales that I overlooked this, that I ignored it. Soon after I would find out that he was just like the others. Too many women in his life. What they, who they are to him, I can't even tell. I don't know where I stand.

And so here I am, after 7 years...still broken. A mixture of shattered dreams and a battered heart. I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes. I just want to disappear. I want curl up in my bed and cover myself up in my blankets and never move. Not in even to breathe. I can hear my head pounding, trying to cope with the madness around me. I am so angry.

It's been 7 years. Now I wont watch anymore. I will hit back.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011


Do you know what it feels like to be consumed in fear and anger? I do. I feel it now. I feel it pulsating through my veins. I am angry. But I am also scared.

I am angry at situation I am in now. I don't know whose fault it is that I am here. I don't know what drove me here. I am angry at the people who I blame for pushing me to be who I am today. I am angry.

I am scared of what will happen. I am scared of the person I have become. But at the same time, I am scared to be anyone less of who I am today. I don't want the same people to think they can do it to me all over again.