Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Things To Look Forward To In 2009.

There are a few of things I am looking forward to in 2009. And I must say that I am anxiously excited for the year to come! :D

- The opening of La Cuisine Francaise branch!

- Setting up the business with my fiance.

- Spending some real "together" time with my fiance.

- Getting more into my art. No matter how busy I got. HAHA *crosses fingers*

- Our plans. HEHE Don't want to say too much here. HEHE

So there, here are some of the things that's on top of my head! :D I can't wait!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

2008 Was Great Afterall.

Well, this has been a year of wonderful suprises! And even with all the tears I shed, I am ending the year with one big smile on my face. And I guess you know who, why and what the reason is. HAHA. So in review...

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas Eve.

So uneventful. I think I should've stayed at work a bit longer. But I really wanted to talk to my fiance. We haven't been talking as much since I started to work. And if this goes as planned then our whole set up will change too. We'll have less time to spend on the phone.

I wanted to ask him not to drive later (his time). I wont be working tomorrow (my time) so I have that "old" time in the morning after his work. Well I actually tried to ask already but he seemed to really wanna get out and drive around. Usually when he wants to spend time with me, it's like a no-brainer, I come first. But oh well. I will be with my future boss on the 26th (my time) and I don't know what time I will be going home.

I just wanted to spend time with him while I still can...

Thursday, December 18, 2008


My morning or should I say noon started out way off. I don't know if it still has anything to do with my disappointing nightcap. I was so happy yesterday, I was practically bouncing off the walls. Argh. I have no idea what the fuck I am doing here.

I miss LA. I miss pastrami subs and minestrone from Giamela's nights. I miss hanging out at BOFA. I miss getting surprise 5 minute-ers from my boyfriend, now fiance. I miss wheat bagels with low fat cream cheese. I miss quarterback crunch at Baskin'. I miss Nordstroms and Costco. I miss papap sessions with Beenie and Keeta. I miss Atwater Village farmer's market after church and eating pupusas after buying apple pie. I miss Fr. Harrigan!!! I miss Angeles Crest. I want another hotdog from Pinks. I miss Target. I miss Nauset Beach. I miss Skaket Beach. I miss sitting on my favorite bench at the Window to the Cove Park. I actually miss biking back to Jackie's house. I miss online shopping at Amazon.

Most importantly, I miss him. We're slowly getting used to the distance, I think. I hate this feeling. I'm slowly adjusting to the life back here. Slowly getting used to being alone. Slowly getting used to not having anyone at my side, again. I know it's absurd, what we had together was short. It wasn't enough to even be thinking about the things that I have been thinking about. But I don't know, I couldn't just shake it off. It's like I ate something that left a bad taste in my mouth.

Ugh. I seriously need to get a brand new perspective on some things. I need to go to my secret place!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

grainy views
unclear lines
cracked voices
dead reception

quiet longing
silent whispers
distance embraced

come to me
i need you now
yearning for your smile

miles stretched
across mountains and seas
close the gap
and never let go.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Family Ties.

My fiance hung out with my fave aunt. Wait, what am I talking about she's my only aunt! I'm soooo happy that he hung out with her. Even if it took him forever to get home. My aunt's always been fun and she has fun friends.

Its's fun to know he's slowly inching his way into my family. Although, I'm not really making an effort to inch into his. Ack. But I really should start. But I'm kinda shy to do it. I feel like such an outsider. Argh. I just have this feeling that his family might snub me or something. His mom is great though. And his dad. His mom is also a UST Alumni, she told me so when we talked. But I also heard her when she's mad. She called his ex, desperate. I don't blame her though, I would too if I woke up in the dead of the night because of a phone call.

But I am really excited because my family's never really liked anyone I dated before. I hope they can meet him soon! I'm sure they'll understand why I love him. I cannot be any happier right now.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

What's New?

Gosh, it's almost a turn of another year! 2009. I have a year and one month before I get married. (We have an actual date already! And I already have everything else put down, it's just a matter of organizing. ;P) HAHA I have soooo many things to do! First on my list is, get my Chef job. Ayiyiyiyiyiiii!!! HAHA Should I go corporate? HAHA. So many choices! I cannot believe how they are all under my impatient nose right now!

So, many things have happened. People have come and gone. Feelings have climaxed and then died down. I have some rather new people in my life which company's I'm enjoying. I "recalled" an old friend. I went away from home for a whole year and got to feel "independence". And then I came home. Blech. And now I am back here living with my parents. Double blech. I WANT MY OWN PLACE!!! Aaaaghhh!

(From my besty -- when I told her I'm getting married: "Nako, you're always getting married! Maniniwala lang ako pag na-plan na lahat!") I just had to put this here. She's hilarious!

So there, I am looking forward to several job interviews! I am sooo excited! Also, I have a new niece!!! I am also excited about her! My nephews are now 3 years old!? Can you believe it? HAHA So I am the last DV kid to have a kid of my own. Hargh!

I wonder what 2009 has in store for me!!! I am sooo excited!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Year Ender.

Whoa. In 1999, I thought I had the funnest party ever, after attending my besty's 18th birthday! NOT! We've had a few more fun party's -- Magic 89.9 chatroom's christmas party, Antonette's surprise party, our barkada's Christmas party (I miss black cuz and kuya rod!), a couple more barkada Christmas parties - each year seeing new faces, some have moved on -- nonetheless we still had fun, Jenny's despidia, and last tuesday's surprise party for Clem and also Lilystar's Christmas party!

We missed a few old friends, as usual, some have "moved on". While some just moved away. There were some that I only met that day. There were some I've known for a few years. But I must say even if I spent a good hour or two on the internet with my boyfriend, I HAD FUN!!!!!!

I think the only thing that tops this is when I celebrated my birthday at Disney. HEHE I wonder how we'll be celebrating the New Year?!

Monday, December 08, 2008


A part of me I never knew. Last night I was reading his blog archives. You see, I am trying to find answers to the endless questions in my head. To bring peace to my heart and the inner monologues. The whispers, the hushes, the silent screams...are deafening. But I was also reading MY own archives. Trying to re-learn old lessons that I might've forgotten.

I realized as I was doing this, as I clicked on another page of older posts of his blog, that I am jealous. Jealous of people from his past that I didn't know. I wasn't even in his life then. I had no right to be. But still, I can't help that growing gnaw in my heart...until I came to his first post.

I have never been like this. Yes, I have always been curious of a loved one's past. For the simple reason that I want to understand him better. Or maybe give me a head's up. But to be jealous of it. To be envious that I wasn't that person that he referred to then...never. I was never that kind of a person. Until last night.

I need to look for the real me. I hope she hasn't gotten that far.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

New Year's Resolutions And Thank Yous For The Year.

It's that time of the year! Since it's December, I deem it necessary to write some things down. So to start off, my new year's resolution for next year.

1. Lose/Maintain my weight.
2. Make myself more productive.
3. Simplify my life.
4. Church on Sundays.
5. Confession when necessary.

And for Thank You's:

My family, for never failing to be there.

My friends (I don't need to name drop), I know at some point we didn't talk much the past year. The year was rough for me, and I am eternally grateful for the time that you took to talk to me whenever I needed someone.

To you, R! Thank you for everythng. For letting me have the best time of my life during the rest of my stay. For loving me. For nursing me back from the shit I was in. I love you. And I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you, hopefully.

To my bosses - you've been great thanks for taking the chance on me.

To my roommates, Ate Sandra and Ate Belen. Meanies, always! :) Miss you.

And the highlights of my year:

Found a great guy to love! (Il mio amore piĆ¹ grande!)

Had great oppurtunities!

Went to loads of places! Los Angeles, CA (Finally went to DISNEYLAND!!!) - Las Vegas, NV - Sedona, AZ - Flagstaff, AZ (Grand Canyon!!! Super experience!) - Phoenix, AZ - New York, NY - Orleans, MA - Hyannis, MA - Nantucket, MA (Loooove this place!) - Chatham, MA - Boston, MA

Gambled in Vegas.

Walked on The Strip, tipsy!

Flirted with someone at the bar. (Well I knew him a little bit...HAHA)

Travelled alone.

Embraced being alone.

Shopped till I drop.

Got a Nikon D90!!!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Very Special Love

By Lani Misalucha

I never believed in love
I was deceived by love
I never had much luck with lovers before

And I couldn't compete
I seemed just part of the street
To be walked on by everyone but then

Then, I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

You're not like the rest
I know you're one of the best
You give more than you should and take nothing in return

Stay always with me
And I always will be
The one person that you can count on always to love you

And I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

And I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

(repeat and fade out)

I'm in love. HEHE

Great guy...so far. *peace*

I'm in love. HEHE

I'm so so so so so so in love. HIHI

I'm giggling! HAHA

I just woke up today and I realized that I love him more everyday.

I cannot wait till I'm with him again.

I'm soooo excited!

I miss him terribly.

I will be with him again and we will be happy!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Another Used To Be...

By Joe

[Verse 1]
I brought you here
so that i can express the things i've been thinkin bout
give me your ear
Cuz i don't normally do this so bear with me through this.
there are so many things
that i want to say
but let me start by saying this saying i thank you.
darling just because

I used to love someone that i didn't like
we used to want to break up every other night
i used to think realationships were a lot of stress
i used to think that pain was a part of Happiness
now all that's changed since you've come my way,
but i don't want us to become
Another used to be.

[Verse 2]
I hope what i'm saying
don't discourage you in any kind of way
cuz i do believe that
you have The potential to be everything i need
i hope that you can really understand
that i would hate To be with someone new,
and tell them what i'm telling you.


[Verse 3]
Cuz it would only be
another waste of time
and all the moment to be raised i would bout my Mind
another memory a part of history.
I cant forget cuz it keeps haunting me.
Now that your Here is evidently clear,
but i don't ever have to have this worry again again. ooohhhooooooo.

[Chorus x3]

...And I don't want us to become...another used to be...

Forever remember?

Friday, November 28, 2008

I Want US, I Want YOU.

I want US to be invincible.
- The kind of love that says "No matter what..." The kind of bond that is unsinkable.

I want US to protect each other.
- But how? There are things that's beyond our control.

I want US to be happy.
- Even if we are far apart and we miss each other, I hope that we can be happy and content knowing that we are both working hard to be together again.

I want US to fall in love with each other over and over again.
- So the romance doesn't end, and that there is always room for love and forgiveness.

I want US to be forever...and ever...and ever.
- No happy endings, just happy forever...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Can't Face The Tides.

It's probably like seeing a ghost. I didn't see you but my mom did. We could only laugh at the realization that you (still) weren't man enough to face us. Or maybe you would never get the courage to. Of course knowing the things you did. A guilty soul. I feel bad for you in a way.

Don't worry, I still have some left over faith in you that you will change. People change. I did. And so will you. But I hope you get better, not sloppier. Face the music, my dear. Be man enough to stand up for the things you did, because even if you knew it was wrong to do them you still chose to do them.

Again, consequences. :)

Monday, November 24, 2008

100 Things I Want To Do Before I Die. (Update)

I was going to list it according to priority but it was just freakin' too hard! So it's random!

1. Have my own family.

2. Meet the pope.

3. Build and sponsor a church.

4. Open my own foundation that will help children and old people.

5. Get married at Chapel on the Hill, and then have my reception at Antonio's.

6. Learn to scuba dive.

7. Open my own restaurant and get a Michelin star!

8. Travel around the Philippines.

9. Send a child to school, other than my own.

10. Become an Executive Chef.

11. Train under a Michelin starred chef.

12. Meet Lea Salonga.

13. Send my parents on a nice vacation abroad.

14. Study another language.

15. Backpack in Europe.

16. Travel entirely by train. Amtrak here I come!!! HAHA

17. Go on a cruise. Caribbean, Mediterranean, Asian, all of em cruises!

18. Retire somewhere where there's sand and sea! Anvaya Cove and Hamilo?

19. Go to Boracay because everyone's been there except me!

20. Ride a rollercoaster.

21. Go on a memorable date. As in a melt your heart type of date, the kind you only see on movies.

22. Make out with a Greek hunk! HEHE

23. Fly first class!

24. Parasail!

25. Ride a hot air balloon.

26. Sing solo for a crowd.

27. Buy one of each : Porsche, BMW, Mercedes and an Audi.

28. Prepare gourmet food for the homeless.

29. Take the board exams.

30. Sit in front of a fireplace and cuddle with my boyfriend.

31. Teach. Although I'm not sure how I'm going to do it.

32. Contribute something to the culinary world.

33. Go to Egypt, Greece, Rome and be awed by their architectural history.

34. Vacation or have my honeymoon at Bora-bora.

35. Shop till I drop.

36. Buy a Nikon D80.

37. Make love with my hubby in a public place without getting caught. HAHA

38. Study photography.

39. Have an exhibit of my works.

40. Mentor an apprentice.

41. Watch a meteor shower.

42. Go out flying with my uncle.

43. Treat my dad on a date.

44. Sail with my uncle.

45. Hike up a mountain summit.

46. To be able to say that I loved someone greatly.

47. Learn yoga.

48. Become skinny! Fit into size 6, non stretch jeans.

49. Be the woman behind a sucessful man.

50. Travel alone.

51. Learn kabbalah.

52. Write a culinary/recipe book.

53. Build my own house, build not buy.

54. Compose my own picture book.

55. Buy all the kitchen utensil and equipment a culinary freak can need!

56. Participate in a nude photography session.

57. Eat at a michelin starred restaurant! (Fernando Pointe's and Bernard Loiseu's among them)

58. Go to Paris with my boyfriend/husband.

59. Dance in the rain.

60. Be totally disconnected for a whole day. No mobile phones or internet.

61. Teach History of Architecture.

62. Adopt two dogs every 3 years.

63. Learn to play a musical instrument.

64. Kiss Brian Littrell! HAHAHA

65. Own a starbucks and coffee bean and tea leaf branch!

66. Watch a "live show".

67. Buy my own theatre, think MTV Cribs home theatre.

68. Learn to play tennis.

69. Go on a Luzon roadtrip! Because it's the easiest island for a roadtrip!

70. Swim with the butandings.

71. Pet a dolphin.

72. Cook for royalty.

73. Make sure my family will never have to eat in a fast food.

73. Go to a nude beach.

74. Treat my mom and my dad to a shopping spree.

75. Treat my mom to a cosmetic surgery, she's always talking about getting a facelift.

76. Watch a space craft launch.

77. Go to Disneyland!

78. Ride a calesa.

79. Ride a vinta!

80. Share an apartment with Kevin and Manel.

81. Be happy and content.

82. Camp on an island.

83. Go to church every single sunday of an entire year.

84. Learn to surf.

85. Love without fear.

86. Celebrate my birthday in an orphanage.

87. Join volunteer work.

88. Take a Holy Land Pilgrimage.

89. Party in Ibiza, Spain.

90. Get a tattoo.

91. Be part of a musical play.

92. Run for office! HAHA

93. Be able to enjoy my life.

94. Buy really sexy underwear. Victoria Secret sexy! HAHA

95. Read all of Paulo Coelho's books.

96. Have my lasik surgery.

97. Go to a volcano crate.

98. Be in a lifestyle show.

99. Shoplift. I just want to know how it feels.

100. Ski on the Swiss slopes.

Whew...that's alot! :)


For what seemed like the nth time. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKIN' DO WITH MY FUCKIN' LIFE! ARGH! All I know is...

- I need a job. Savings are running low, can't keep spending and not earning.

- I need to go back to the US, because I want to be with him.

- I want to get more experience on my chosen career. But it seems that everytime a good oppurtunity to do it comes, matters of the heart interferes.

- I feel like I am being asked to choose again, between him and my career.

- I feel anxious about how the winter H2B applications are going to be like this time around.

What do I do?! Grrrrr.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Overrated Fears.


I don't know what its like being fearless. Maybe because I always have something to lose. For once, I want to be able to do things I want to do and not fear anything.

I don't want to fear failure.

I don't want to fear losing someone I love dearly.

I don't want to fear not knowing what's in store for me.

I don't want to fear not having anyone to go back to.

I don't want to fear the feeling that to gain something is lose something else.

I don't want to fear falling, helplessly in love with someone because I don't want to get hurt.

Fearless. I want to be fearless.

Friday, November 21, 2008

A Break On Love.

It's been three weeks since I got here, I have sent out numerous resumes to every 5 star hotel in the city, every fine dining restaurant in the metro and still nothing. Arrgggh. So frustrating! And top it all off with friends trying to break my spirits that I'm going back to the US in a few months. Ugh.

What have I done?! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Missing You.

Have you ever heard someone say "I miss you so much, it hurts."? Do you know why they say this? Because it literally happens. It's not just some cheesy smooth-talker line, although I will not guarantee that it has not been used and over used by some people. It really does happen. Do you know how it feels?

It starts off as a feeling of longing to be with that person. Then a sudden wave of tightness or tension engulfs you from your head down to your chest. At times it would start from my nose. And then it sort of washes away. And when you think about that person again, it happens all over again.

It's not a funny feeling. It's like you are holding back the urge to cry. And then when you can't anymore, you just find tears brimming from your eyes.

"There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is caused by the absence of you!"
I miss you...terribly.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Oh, Love!

I am talking to my bestfriend in whole wide world, Antonette. And our topic of the day is *drumroll* LOVE.

Unconditional love, sometimes when I talk to her about love I feel like I haven't really loved anyone. And then I start to think about the things I did for previous relationships? Isn't that not love? The desire I had back then when I was still so blinded by love, to work things out inspite of the things that happened. But she told me that she believes in a way that all the people in our lives (friends and ex-partners) we loved. Boy, I was relieved.

You see, I take those experiences and I consider them like a stepping stone to the big one. If a relationship fails, as hard as it is for me to let go of it initially. When I come to realizations, I always find that the relationship taught me something that will possibly help me when my prince finally finds me! So in away it's learning process to perfecting the art of loving the one God has prepared for you.

Do I make sense? I guess the hard part is retaining the lessons, sometimes we become so overcome by our emotions that we forget to go back to the things we learned. Like what the alchemist said right? About the soul of the world? About the tests, and about how it's not because it is evil, but because it wants you to master the lessons it taught you so you can achieve your personal legend.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Slip Of Tongue.

I called him...Bubu. To clarify things, Bubu is a special endearment for my boyfriend. It doesn't matter to me if I called my ex bubu. I always want to call my present boyfriend bubu. I only called several people bubu. Two of them, because it kinda bothers my present SO, if I called him such.

I guess to me Bubu = Love.

(If you still bother reading this, I am no longer refering to you. If you know what I mean.)

It is not really who I called bubu, it's what it means to me, I guess. Hay. So, inner monologues. You know the drill.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Christmas Wishlist 2008

HA! It's that time of the year. Lemme see. At least, I was able to get/buy some of the things I wanted from the previous years. So to start off...in the order of the odds I'd actually get them. Again.

1. Rey. :P
2. One way ticket to LAX, for tomorrow. HAHA
3. A job, again. HAHA
4. A new visa! HAHA
5. A Mazdaspeed 3 Hatchback.
6. Plane tickets for two to Bora Bora!
7. A Mac Book Pro.
8. An iPhone.
9. AF Nikkor 14mm f/2.8D ED
10. Grand Livre de Cuisine Alain Ducasse's Culinary Encyclopedia and Grand Livre de Cuisine Alain Ducasse's Desserts and Pastries.

I actually already have the books I wanted last time. And I didn't buy a Sony Alpha, instead a Nikon D90 double kit lenses. I didn't realize that I didnt have a wish list for last year! HAHA Oh well. That's it for the year. HAHA I dont have to get them all at once but it doesn't mean I wouldn't be elated if I did! HAHA I'd be happy with 1-4! HAHA Because I need all 2-3 to get 1. HAHA


I never really hated any of my exes. I'm actually friends with some of them, whether it had been a serious one or not. But I really dont get why some exes can't just back off when they need to. It doesn't really bother me that my boyfriend is friends with his exes. I mean I am so I dont see why he can't be.

I've had some bad history with some ex's ex. And I guess I just became wary. But I just want to be assured that everything was clear between them. It was over and done with, and I am with someone else now.

I don't know if this girl, just didn't get. Or hasn't moved on yet. Or in some neurotic parallel universe she is still hoping that after everything that has happened between them, they will get back together or something. Or maybe it wasn't really that crystal clear to her. That he didn't make it like that at all.

Ewan. What a way to remember the first month. Blech.

(I know, just some left over inner monologues.)

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Reading Old Entries.

It's just a bad habit. Sort of. I have this thing where I like to read old entries. Much like I used to read old journal volumes. I remember that my last journal, full of things written to or for my ex-boyfriend, used to bring me such bad memories and tears that I gave the notebook to that ex and promised to get it when I'm ready to read it again. When I took it back and read it, I didn't laugh like I expected to, instead I still felt that odd tinge of pain.

I have since stopped writing on notebooks and turned to blogging. So I had been reading my old entries and I was snickering. HAHA It's weird. Life is weird. It has odd suprises at odd times and sometimes you just don't know what to make of it. But I hope that it works out in the end.

They always say that God always makes happy endings, if it's not a happy then it's not yet the end. But you see I am happy right now, very happy. But it's not full circle yet. So I hope that it's not the end yet.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Full Moon.

It's almost here!

I am so excited!


Friday, November 07, 2008


I realized something when I woke up this morning that kept me staring at my ceiling for awhile. I realized that even though I've been through some painful things, it's amazing how I still found it in me to love someone again, as much as I love him. Maybe even more than I have ever loved anybody.

This is it for me. I am giving this the best I've got. I can tell, this is my great love. :)

Top Of The World.

Have you ever felt like you hit the jackpot? Well, I feel like I did. Well, fine not really because we are so far apart but just having him in my life feels like I hit the jackpot. I honestly have never been any happier and at peace than this. No fears, no doubts, no hesitations. Just being able to embrace it all, without even asking what it is, not even fighting any feelings.

Is it silly to say that maybe my prince has found me at last? That maybe I made a mistake and finally he's here? :) Again, it depends it's all up to me. And him. But for now, I don't care who he might be or might be not, whether he is my prince or not. What matters is I am the luckiest girl alive to have him in my life!


Resurrecting...been awhile. :)
Your touch is electric
I felt it the first time you held me
The way we connected
So easily

I've tried to define it
Searched for the perfect phrase
I've tried to describe it
In a million different ways

It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth, it's destiny
And even love is not enough to tell you how you make me feel
There's only one word for this

I've got to admit it
You took my heart by surprise
Don't know how you did it
But baby, I've never felt so alive

It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth, it's destiny
And even love is not enough to tell you how you make me feel
There's only one word for this
It's bliss

Hey, you know, baby, know what the future holds
As long as you're here with me

It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth, it's destiny
And even love is not enough to tell you how you make me feel
It's faith, it's honesty, it's life, it's everything
To say "I love you"'s not enough to tell you how you make me feel

It's in your smile, in your kiss
It's the reason that I exist
There's only one word for this
It's bliss

It's bliss

It's bliss

***Truthfully, gloriously, it is bliss. *sigh*

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Like A Freakin Broken Record.

I dont effin' know what the hell I'm doing here!!!


I am so pissed at the fact that the reason I came home wasn't worth it. When I can be back where I am happy, back with someone I really want to be with right now! Grr.

I know, I said and they (my friends) said that I should just charge it to experience. But it seems everyday I am here is another day of being bitch slapped with the truth that I should have made wiser decisions. I should've listened to my gut. I should've turned my back a long time ago. I should've done a lot of things I didn't do.

F*ck you.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Random Kicks...

Missed sunsets...
bursts of laughter...
tranquil drive...
clasped hands...
fingers entwined...

Smiling eyes...
quiet sighs...
peaceful hearts one...
head on shoulder...

One wish...
one dream...
a reality to face...
with faith...
with hope...
with love...

Sunday, November 02, 2008

This Is It...For You.

It's Over
Jesse Mccartney

We've run out of words we've run out of time
We've run out of reasons really why we together
We both know it's over baby bottom line
It's best we don't even talk at all

Don't call me even if I should cross your mind
Hard enough I don't need to hear your voice on my messages
Let's just call it quits it's probably better
So if I'm not returning your calls it's 'cause

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone but baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryn to erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

I still wake up every morning quarter to ten
I still eat my cereal right at the kitchen table
I can't even remember how long it's been
No trouble stayin' occupied

Oh they ask about you whenever I come around
I do what I can not to put my business in the streets
Last thing I need's another episode
Keep conversation short and sweet because

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
'Cause baby it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

You know that it's over when the burnin'
And the yearnin' inside your heart ain't there anymore
And you know that you're through when she don't do to you
And move you like the way she moved ya before

And you wanna pull her close
But your heart has froze
You kiss her but her eyes don't close
Then she goes out of your heart forever
And it hurts you but you know that it's better

Girl you know it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over
'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over
Consequences of actions and words that weren't thought through. I loved you, with all my heart, with all I had, with all I am. But a heart can only take so much. And when a person continually neglects and hurts you there just comes to a point that you need to learn to love yourself all over again. Save yourself from more pain and heartbreak. This is when you just learn to let go, even with the greatest loves, if it is not treated fairly and justly, it wastes away.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Day One.

Chronicling day one of being miles away from my love. I started to cry the minute the plane started to back out of the concourse and out to the runway. Soon after the tears started falling, I fell asleep. I woke up and the captain was announcing lunch. I waited for my food and after eating I stared out my cabin window into the pitch black skies and started to cry again. I started to wonder why and what I was doing on that plane. I didn't have to go home. But everything had been too late for me to do anything about it. Stupid decisions had been made.

I fell asleep, and when I woke up we were approaching Guam and will be served breakfast. After refueling, we headed on to Manila. The final destination, and I started to fall into depression. I was able to sleep again and when I stirred we were 45 minutes from Manila. It's real. I am about to go back to my family, but I felt so out of place. I am not home. Home is not where he is not.

On our initial approach, I started to cry. I started to wish that I wasn't on that plane. I wish I could go back. Where I'd be home again. Argh. When we finally stopped at the gate people started clapping and I can only shake my head, and lower my head in sadness.

This is just day one...what will days 2 - 364 look like?

Monday, October 27, 2008

A World Of Psychos.

What does a girl have to do to get out of your mess man? I have your stupid girlfriends hounding me, nitpicking at my stuff, will you tell them that they can have you. I had been keeping to myself for the longest time. They revealed themselves to me. I did not want them to. Tell 'em to just fuck off.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

PS. I Love You (AGAIN.)

I'm watching the movie again. This is officially one of my favorite movies! :) Gerard Butler is so HOT! HAHA.

No silly, just watch or read the book! :) You'll see. If you're not a hopeless romantic then it's futile.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


I do this alot. Sometimes it's oppurtunity, sometimes it's circumstance, and sometimes I'm just running away. The thing is I HATE saying goodbye. So here I am. Fulfilling a promise I shouldn't have made. That is now in vain. Leaving my dreams behind and leaving my love behind.

It's funny, it feels alot like when I left last time. Cramming to spend time with family, friends and someone dear. Missing everything and everyone already. Trying to figure out how to come back, how not to lose what was started and what I hope to keep, and how not to hurt myself all over again.

Thing is, I dont want to say goodbye anymore. I want to stay.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Listening to...

Better In Time
by Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remaind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: X2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Pinoy Movies.

I am watching the Anne Curtis and Aga Mulach movie. It's funny...there are scenes that reminds me of somethings. Galing.

Oh well. :)

A Week.

I only have a week left here. A week to bask in magic and love. It's not much but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm just giving myself a couple more days to disclose some things that take time to discuss. And then that's it. I won't have to think about it anymore or mention it, unless asked.

I wish I didn't have to go. Sometimes, I feel stupid for making the decision to go home. I've always known what I wanted before. I don't know why I compromised my dreams like this. Argh. But things happen for a reason. (Crap, I dont know what's the reason behind this!)

But I guess I don't really need a reason, what's important was that it happened. And I'm meant to be here. I will understand soon enough, when everything comes to full circle. Moon is waning. :)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Magic Moments '08

Yihee. HAHA

One more time, and this time...I hope it's real. I haven't been this happy for a long time. I have actually forgotten it was possible. And I will continue to be thankful to God for showing me that there is more in store for me. That I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I really deserved.

Friday, October 17, 2008


The past few days have been really fun for me. I have actually forgotten about something or someone. I forgot I had to deal with it. But the thing is I stopped feeling already. I don't know how it happened but I did. I don't blame myself for it nor the other person. I know that God helped me come through, I prayed so hard to Him every night to protect me. And He did.

I guess the waiting changed me. It didn't make me more patient but it taught me to stop looking back and look forward. To accept it finally, heart and mind in sync. Closing cycles, its time to move with the wind and see where it blows.

Im just looking forward to better things. It's MY time. :D

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Chicken Joy.

I dont really eat Chicken Joy alot, but since coming here to the US, I've had cravings. Especially when I am here in Los Angeles. So last night, what we did was get chicken joy to-go and then went up to Angeles Crest again. With a camera and tripod in tow. You know what I found out when I took out the tripod? The camera attachment was not there! Agggh! We were laughing at the predicament. I was laughing at myself for not even checking.

Randomly drove to Downtown Disney. I hope the real deal na one of these days. And just hung out at Starbucks while waiting for mom to come home from picking dad up at JPL. It was a chill night. It was fun. :)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Never Had So Much Fun.

For the first time I am having alot of fun here in LA. No offense to my aunt, but her idea of fun is going to the mall and shopping. And fun for her because she can afford just about anything. HAHA But I met some friends here who's showing me some fun! :D

Let's see, first there was a 80's-90's bar. And I ended up missing my bestfriend, she would've enjoyed that. Plus those fierce Kamikazes. Second was a rave party in Compton, which freaked my aunt out. Which eventually ended up in Hollywood too because it sucked. HAHA And then some late night chinese food. Third, Angeles Crest. Over looking the Los Angeles and Valley lights. That you could say for me was heaven. I just love places like that. Kulang nalang ng tequilla! HAHA But oh well, I dont have plans of getting shitfaced anymore.

Last two weeks. Have plenty to do. :)

Saturday, October 11, 2008

True love does not grow with the number of lovers. It wastes away.
- Francesca Bruni, Casanova

Reminds me of something or someone.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Good Times.

Uh-oh. I'm in party mode. I am still hung over from last night and I have plans with friends to go out tonight too. Should be fun. Haven't done this in a while. But still it doesn't change things.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Things To Look Forward To.

Even if things had been hard for me the past weeks, I must say that I am looking forward to coming home in some way. I am not overly excited as I was before, but I want to see him again. I want to talk about us. I want to know what we are going to do.

I am also looking forward to a possible job in a hotel. I am looking forward to seeing my friends too. I've also missed them. I guess right now for me it's just to look forward. I've already surrendered it. I just have to move with it.

But there is really this big void in my heart right now, and it's hoping that things will be better for me. And hoping that our love has another chance.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Confessions Of A Broken Heart

This is not an attempt to turn the tide. This is me letting go (well, trying) and just letting it all out. I'm letting all the pains of my heart out in attempt to free myself from all the bottled up emotions. I want to tell my story. Then accept it happened. So, then after which I will forget it. And, hopefully...move on.

Like all little girls, I believed in fairy tales. One day I will meet my prince and he will sweep me off my feet. And once I got over my being Brian Litrell's wife fantasy, I started to wonder where my prince was. I had several mini-relationships and then I met my first love. We were together for a more than year. And then, we broke up. He met someone. I became bitter. I really thought that he was the one. I know it seemed to be ridiculous to hit the jackpot that soon. But you know, you are given feelings of being "the one". But I was wrong. I wanted to work things out with him. I begged him for another shot at us. But he said that he didn't feel the same way. And though it was a long, hard journey, in time I moved on.

With the help of school, work and friends I was able to forget about the pain he caused and just focus on the better things in my life. Little by little I thought less and less of him. I started to enjoy being single again. I started to enjoy my friend's company. I started to enjoy being alone. But still, I longed for my prince. I would think about him and me, holding hands and walking. I would dream about looking into his eyes. But I didn't know who he was.

I started to write him letters. Just things that say how I feel about him. And I was happy. Some of my friends thought it was ridiculous, but for me I knew in my heart that he will come to me one day. And I will love him like no other. And I knew he will do the same for me too. Soon after, I met someone. I knew he wasn't going to be good for me. I knew he was going to break my heart at one point. But I was blown away by the feelings that I believe God has given me. It was like magic. And I fell in love with him. I wanted him to be my prince.

And you know what the great thing was? He told me he wanted to be my prince too. He said he would end my fairy tale and make it real. And so I made the choice to let myself fall in love with him further. It was simple for me, I wanted him to be "the one."

We were together for 6 months and then I left. I followed my dream of working abroad. He let me go. I offered a practical solution. I asked him if he wanted us to break up and then maybe when I get home we can see if the feelings are the same and pick it up where we left off. He said that he wanted us to stay together. And with a happy heart I agreed. He assured me that he will be faithful. He said that he wont forget about our love and will not enter into another relationship while I was away. I hoped for the best as I always did. Before I left, we eloped. We had a small ceremony with two friends and a priest. It wasn't legally binding, but to me, the marriage is real.

I had my fears. I didn't want to lose him. But I knew that love can wait. I knew that once I've fulfilled my personal dreams, I can move on to fulfilling the dreams we have started to dream together. But I guess love wasn't enough. When you are lonely, how do you fight it? He strayed. He denied it to me whenever I brought it up. I felt it. I felt that something was wrong. I would have bad painful spasms in my heart at random times, and I knew then that there was something going on. But I didn't want to create so much tension between us so I tried to ignore it as much as I could. I pushed it back and tried to forget the thoughts. But still there is a lingering pain in my heart.

Several times, I am shown the truth and still, I ignored it. The hardest to ignore was the girl who told me about a past I never knew. A past he tried so hard to hide. He didn't think I can accept him for it. And it hurt, that he thought of me like that. I forgave him for it when he apologized. He said that he will not lie anymore. And that he loved me with all of his heart. All this time, he had been telling me that he had been faithful, that he didn't want to lose me. And there are moments where I would be so angry at him because of the things that had happened, I don't want to elaborate that much anymore. I keep asking myself if he really meant what he told me because I didn't feel that he did. But I continued to hope.

I made a mistake too. In my anger, and to make things even, I let go of myself. I did something I knew he had already done. Even when he denied it. And so I became no better than him. And now, the truth has come out. Every single disgusting truth, I don't know if there are any other truths out there. If so, I wish they'd reveal themselves now. But the questions are the same."If he was already with another girl? Then why did he tell me he wanted to work things out?" "Why would he say he loved me still?" "Why would he still call me his wife?" "Why me?" "What about the things he told me before I left, were they real?" "How do I know if this time it's the real deal?" "Does he really still love me as he did before?" "Or could it be because I had done so much for him, he was just ashamed to admit that he didn't anymore?" "Was it really just because he was lonely?" "Did he feel any real emotion for the other girl?" "Shouldn't he say that he cannot be with her because he loved me, and not because she's married?"

He said that the girl knew about me all along, but she liked him a lot. He said she was married and her husband loved her. She is married but the husband does not care about her, someone very close to her told me. And when I told him that it hurt that he loves her, he said that his love for her was just passing loneliness. It seemed like he was telling me that he didn't really love her at all. But she also said things that contradicted this. And I don't know what to believe sometimes.

I knew in my heart that I loved him. I did the things I did out of spite and anger. I knew it was wrong and I destroyed my own self in the process. I realized that I lost him a long time ago. I had been angry again. I was angry at him for trying to turn the tables on me, when all along he was the one who had been lying and cheating on me. It was an emotional shift from sad, to angry, and finally, I was just numb.

I have surrendered it to God. I asked Him to take it in His hands. And right at this moment I am acting on the feelings He is giving me. I rely on Him and His Holy Spirit to guide me and protect my heart from another blow. I asked Him to give me the strength to accept things as they come.

But you know what amazes me? When he asked me if we could try to work things out again, I said yes. We owned up to our mistakes and forgave. Though I am still trying to forget, I knew in my heart that my love for him will be enough to heal the wounds. My wounds. And I knew with time the pain will pass. I wanted my marriage. I wanted him. And if he kept his promise of being true not only to me but to himself, trust will be regained. I want to believe that people change if they really wanted to. I want to believe that he can change if he wanted to. I want to believe that love can heal even the most scarred hearts.

The hard part is not knowing what the future holds. Not knowing what is happening. There are times when my heart is griped by fear and uncertainty that this will work. There are times that I just want to know if it can work, because I didn't want to get hurt again. I've been hurt enough.

The hardest part is waiting. Waiting for the tides to change. Waiting for him to make a move, to make me see that we are going to make it. Waiting for him to send me a message everyday. I want him to let me know how badly he really wanted this. And that he'll do whatever it takes to turn things around. I do not mean to act like dead weight, but once he makes the move I will make mine. I will back him up and work with him to make everything right for us. I want to take his lead. After all he is the man of this house. He is the husband. I've already done my best for the longest time. And now it's his turn.

Sometimes, when I read other people's love stories I get envious. And I wish my love story will be the same. That love conquers all. I wish one day, I would tell my kids how hard it had been for us. And how we made it. And even if I wish I can protect my kids from the same kind of pain I felt. I know that knowing that every story has a happy ending will bring them comfort.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Working It Out..

We're trying. My friends and family don't particularly agree with me on this, but I still wanna try. I am sad about this. I keep thinking, what can happen for these people who mean alot to me to see, that maybe I deserve this chance. To be happy.

I do not know what other truths are out there. I am just asking God, to protect me. No matter what, not to forsake me, even if it seems that I am forsaking myself.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I Wanna Be Your Everything.

By Keith Urban

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
What I had never felt with anyone else
I wanna give back what you've given to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more than just your man

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And Be the hand that lifts your veil
And Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

When you wake up I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out to me
I'll cherish your words
And I'd finish your thoughts
And I’ll be your compass baby when you get lost

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
Be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

I'll be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything

Stealing songs from other people's laptops. The lyrics to this song, struck me. HARD.

The Sad Word...Goodbye.

It's that time of the year. When peak season is up and I have to get up and leave. I made some really cool friends here in Cape Cod. Im really going to miss them.

I actually already miss the summer kids. Hargh.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

That's What She Said.

Backstreet Boys

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

there are people who say what you wanna hear
even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear
when you really really love someone am i right
when i say that you want them near
and if you care you even tell them things
that they wanna hear

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
the simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said she said yeah

there are people
who say what they really mean
she said she'd always be there
she said she'd always care
but jsut when you think that you can trust that someone you love
tell me why do you know how stars can fall from above

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh ohho yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be togethter
thats what she said she said

cause you made promises that you couldn't keep (ooo)
but you're not hurting yourself
you're only hurting me
why would you say things that you really didn't mean
oh how can i make you see just what you did to me

ooh you said how much you really care
just when i thought i was in love
girl how could you care
if i were you i could not lie even once to the face of the one
that i love so much

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had.
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we're see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be together.
oh thats what she said.


I was walking to work in the rain, puffing a cigarette. And I remembered this song. And I remembered him. I thought I was going to cry. But I was just numb inside.

False Hopes.

I am one of the fools that don't really believe in destiny. I used to believe in fairy tales. In happy endings. Each time a friend tells me that "If you're meant to be with him, love will find a way." I make a face. I gave a retort. Because I don't know it just builds anxeity for me. Because I wouldn't know when will love find a way. If it will. If it is strong enough to do that. Or when things just become so bad, like it did for us, when we do meet again, how do you start to trust each other again with each other's hearts?

I never really had answers to those questions. And so I tend to think being meant to be means working things out as you go along. If you are meant to be together, then you will surpass it all.

Have you ever read The Notebook? Or perhaps seen the movie? Swans they say mate for life. In some weird way, I hope to see you in the next life when we are both swans.

Friday, September 26, 2008

A New Light.

For the longest time I've never really been friends with my mom. I saw her as someone who liked manipulating me to do things to her biding. I'm going through one of the hardest things I have to go through in my life. And even if I could talk to my friends I couldn't find the comfort I was looking for. And as ashamed as I am to confess to my mom the truth, I wanted to try.

So I called her and told her everything that has happened. Everything. I told her how all this madness started, the annulment, the pictures, the news that a friend of mine told me, the girl who emailed me and most importantly I told her what I did.

Of course she was shocked. I expected her to tell me that "Well, maybe you are not meant to be with him." She didn't, instead she told me that there is nothing I could do about it. But to wait. We'll wait and see how it goes when I go home, if we have that talk. And she told me to be careful and not to put myself in situations like that anymore. I deserved better than to be used like that. And when she said this I knew she wasn't talking about Francis.

For the first time in my life, I appreciated my mom for being who she is. And hopefully, I can start being a better child to her and my dad. I know that they also deserve to see me at my best.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Im Yours.

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap you thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours

Maybe, a song for our future...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Breaking Up, Breaking Down.

I haven't slept at all tonight. Maybe a good hour. I was so disoriented. My heart was just racing and no matter what I did to calm myself, I just wasnt doing what I am supposed to do. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. This is going to be one long month.

I lost someone I love dearly last night. After almost a year of trying to stay together, another one bites the dust. I couldn't cry. I was rubbing my eyes last night to spill the tears out but I couldn't cry. I felt numb. Every hour I would check my phone and hope that he'd say it was a joke. At one point I woke up and thought that I was just dreaming. But I checked my phone and I wasn't.

Im shaking right now. Still reeling. But I still couldn't cry. You see, when I said that "I'm leaving it up to God's will." I was hoping it meant, we will weather the odds together. Oh well. I cannot help but feel that this is his way of getting away from the guilt. Like he is sitting back home, with his new gf. I gave him the perfect excuse.

Thing is, I thought he said that he can forgive me no matter what. I did the same for him. I thought we loved each other so much that we can see past through the ugly and still see a beautiful person. I loved him like that. I loved him through the pain he caused me. I forgave him for all his shortcomings. But I guess for some people, love is not enough to cover an offense, although the bible said it should.

I had been ready to give us another chance. The other night, I had a long talk with God, and asked him to take care of me. I surrendered all my fears to him, all the anxeity I felt, and left everything up to him. And everything started out good. In the morning we were talking again, like we normally did. Until I went home, and checked my stuff, everything went downhill from there. When everything seemed alright, that's always when it bites me back in the ass.

But maybe he's right, I have no clue what love is all about. Afterall I am nothing but a spoiled brat.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Re-learning The Alchemist.

"...before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved towards the dream. That's the point at which most people give up. Its the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."
- The alchemist, The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Well, isn't that so true. I'm almost there, I'm almost home but then I feel him becoming more and more distant. And I feel within me the resignation. The exasperation, of just seeing how things are going awry. I hope I get through it. I hope WE get through it.

"It is said that the darkest hour of the night came just before dawn."
- The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Just the Way You Are

Billy Joel

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

My fave song off the restaurant playlist. I wish I can be loved this way. No need to force me to change or anything, just letting me become my own. Just opening a heart, enough for me to know what it holds. And eventually be part of. No pushing away, no ugly words, no conflicting actions.

I love him like that...

Summer is over.

It's 11 degrees celsius. Summer is over. I know because Richard also left. It's strange I'm sad he's gone. It's the universal truth.

"People always leave."

What's stranger is I miss him. Like I have become attached to him in some way that something is missing. Anyway, it's inevitable. We all knew we wont be seeing each other forever. It's just sad sometimes.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Shooting Star.

I was in the bar talking to some girls about dating and relationships. M, stressed out to me so many times how, it's good to meet or date alot of people. And she told me her relationship stories. It was fun hearing them. And I know somehow she is right. We all could use the experience.

But why is it when I looked up at the sky and found that shooting star, my wish never changed? Its still the same wish, prayer and hope. Him and Me, always, forever.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Finding My Way Back...

"One of the worst feelings in the world is having to doubt something that you thought was unquestionable."

A friend of mine sent me this quote way, way back. We were going through what seemed like the biggest heartbreak of our lives. I used to go to her house and we would smoke two packs of cigs and drink two cans of beer each. And ramble on and on about our lack of a decent man in our lives. Maybe she could relate to the message and she wanted to share it to me. And I could relate to it as well, because I had been there. Loving someone with abandon, believing that it's never going to end, and then it does. And you sit there, trying to understand what had happened, what led to that, what you did wrong, and what you could've done to prevent it. It would go on for a couple of months sometimes it would take more. And then you realize you wasted so much of your time analyzing when there is no way to bring that person back into your life. He chose that path, and you can wait forever for him to choose to go back.

A year ago, I left behind someone who meant alot to me. Sure, I may not have known him all my life, but I loved him like no other. I gave him all that I had. All that I can. And all that I can't. In my previous blogs, I said that I when I left I was full of faith that it was going to work out. I gave him options that seemed more feasible. More practical, and he said that we should stay together, and deep inside me that's what I really wanted.

Being with him was just different. I felt a different kind of peace in his presence, it's like everything is still, calm and nothing can harm me. I have gone through the hardest things the past few months, in our relationship. The things that happened, I have forgiven. The forgetting part is the hardest. I guess, no one ever really forgets, because no one is meant to. Thats why we are given memories to keep. That's why people who get diagnosed with Alzheimer's get sad about losing their memories, because no matter how painful it had been, the good times were all worth the pain.

But then, these things that I cannot forget, it sometimes get to me. Its gets me so bad I start to jeopardize what Francis and I have. If he wasn't this patient and (as I would like to think) if he didn't love me so much, he would've walked away by now already. Honestly, I dont know if I will find my way back, or if I will get lost again as I have many times.

But I do know, that I love him. And maybe thats enough for me to hang on too. That my own feelings haven't gone. That I still love him despite of it all.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I'm way down under.

Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot.


Friday, September 12, 2008

If I Fell.

if I fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
and I found that love was more
than just holding hands

if I give my heart to you
I must be sure
from the very start
that you would love me more than her

if I trust in you oh please
don't run and hide
if I love you too oh please
don't hurt my pride like her

'cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry
when she learns we are two

'cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry
when she learns we are two

if I fell in love with you

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Mystery Of The Depleted Checking Account.

I looked at my year to date earnings and I was shocked! Where did all that money go?! My eyes flew to my laptop. That was all I can really show for it. And to my horror I opened every single checking account, transaction book, and credit card statement I have. And there you have it. All of summer's earnings all in paper and not in the bank. All spent. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

If my boyfriend ever knew how much I spend on things like...3 laptop bags, why? Don't ask me?! He will strangle me. Well, maybe not. He never asks where my money goes, he's just not the type. Although he asked me to save. He knows how extravagant I can be. And I get anxiety on the thought that I am going home without anything to my name...except mountains of debts. Well...it's my own freakin fault. WAH! That last month in Arizona really did me in!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008



WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I almost maxed out my credit card again!

Friday, September 05, 2008


I recently joined a match site. A US based one since I'm here. I don't know why I did. I used to feel bad about Francis still on that matching site. I still feel bad about it. I don't know why I suddenly thought about joining. I know I'm not looking but...

What the hell. :(

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Dont Think I'm Not

Remember this song?! HEHE

By Kandi

I don't have to question
Where you were last night
Cause I already know what you will say
I already know you'll lie

But I can't be mad at ya
Cause there's something that you don't know
That when your gone I do my own thing
Can I catch a bone? Why you dogging me?

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When I try to get your attention
You ignore me everytime
You were so caught up doing your dirt
That you didn't notice mine

Well I couldn't put up with your scheming
And I couldn't put up with your lies
They say two wrongs won't make it right
But we still didn't need this fight

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

Don't be surprised to know that sometimes women play the game
You may not believe it, but it's real
The game is so real, so real, so real
Oh, don't think we won't do it
When your out in the club....

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Ying Yang.

My boyfriend has a habit of getting mad at me when I become negative. Don't get me wrong, I always try to be positive about things, and I have always been good at it. Wasn't it me who smiled through a horrible break up with a lying ex boyfriend? Wasn't it me who laughed my heart out even when things seemed bad? See? Positive.

Thing is, I wonder how positive he is. I mean, he always saw what was wrong with me? Does he ever see the good things I do? Does he even recognize them? Because as far as I can remember he always pointed out whats wrong with me. He never tells me why he fell in love with me? Why he still loves me. He doesn't. But he always tells me why he wonders why he even bother. You know what I mean?

Who's negative now?

Thursday, August 28, 2008


I have internet problems...but I can blog! I can access my google accounts but other websites I cant. This sucks!

Monday, August 25, 2008


Sometimes, I wonder how life will turn out for me. I can't wait to see how great my future will be, but at the same time there is fear in me that's scared to find out that it is nothing like how I imagined it will be.

I am amazed at myself sometimes.

You know that feeling after having argued with someone, you are so mad or sad that you turn them away. But all you really want them to do is to stay. I'm like that. Sometimes, I would want him to take my hand or kiss the tears away. Or in our case, say something that will make everything right again, but sometimes he's too hard to break. So he doesn't but I wait. It doesn't erase the fact that I love him. So I just keep waiting.

I saw Lie With Me. Didnt really understand most of it. It was bordering soft porn. It was interesting though but kinda messed up.

Im trying to run away from someone who has been following me around like a sick puppy. Oh no, puppies are cute. Like a bad case of skin fungi then.

I dont like my schedule for this week.

Turks and Caicos...so near yet so far.

Friday, August 22, 2008

If You're Not The One.

By Daniel Bedingfield

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And know I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Friday, August 15, 2008

A Keeper.

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery why it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why love grows and a mystery why some love fails. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons, causes, but you will never do more than take the life out of the experience. Just as life itself is more than the sum of the interest and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes at its one time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its many ways.

Sometimes, hopefully, at least once in your life, the gift of love will come to you in full flower, and you will take hold of it, celebrate it in all of its inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on. When this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves aways. When they fall out of love, or when the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to claim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on. They want answers when there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong with them that makes the other person no longer love them, or they try to get their love to change, thinking that if some small things are different, love will bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if they go away and start a new life together, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what has happened. But there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in the sea of misery. You need to treat what it brings to you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. LOVE JUST DOESN'T CHOOSE TO REST IN THE OTHER PERSON'S HEART.

If you find someone else in love with you, and you didn't love him back, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OR CAUSE PAIN. How you deal with love is how love deals with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys even if our love and ways are diffirent. If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or assess blame. LET IT GO. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time. Remember that you don't choose love, LOVE CHOOSES YOU.

All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts with empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to see love as something that flows to them rather than from them. The first blush of love is filled to overwflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead becomes someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has it's own time, its own season, and it's reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives, and give it away when it comes to you. But when it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing we can do and there is nothing we should do. Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad it came to live for a moment. Keep your heart open, IT WILL COME AGAIN.
Just flitting thru stuff...

I remember my besty recited this to me over the phone one night. I thought he wrote it. I asked him to fax me a copy. (Di pa uso email nun!)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dear John

Have you ever opened a book expecting a good story? You read it, at first it seemed to drag on for a couple of pages, and then at every turn of the page you realize, that the story, is somehow yours.

I picked up a book at CVS Pharmacy (for lack of other shopping places to look at). I chose it because it was written by Nicholas Sparks. It was a sure good read. And it is. But I realized in its pages I found my own love story, sort of.

There were parts where the feeling was so famillar to me. When John described the first time he met Savanah like he was drawn to her. And he realized he was falling in love with her even in the short time they were together. The feeling when he left because he had to go back to work. The feeling of desperation in trying to keep them together.

I knew all of it. I knew because I felt it. I know because I am still feeling all of it.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Indecent Proposal.

If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with.
- Diana Murphy

He let me go. He let me go after my dreams. And in a couple of months, I'll be back home. To him, I hope. I really hope.

I thought we were invincible. But now I know that the things that people in love do to each other, they remember. And if they stay together, it's not because they forget. It's because they forgive.

- David Murphy

I think I got the courage to leave because I thought that he really meant it when he said that he wanted me to go after my dreams. And I had so much faith in us that we were going to make it. He said he's changed. And I believe that people change, when they want to. I had faith that people can change for love and for themselves.

In the past year, we've been through a lot. Our relationship has had the highest of highs and the lowest of the low. Just these past couple of months we hit the lowest I can imagine. But I want us to rise up admist all of these. I want to come home and see him again. And this time we'll talk about our plans, this time we will be more than lovers, we will be friends. We wont waste time staring into nothing but instead we'll spend time holding each other's hands, making wishes, painting our future with our dreams and talking.

Yes, it was silly to think that absolutely nothing can shake us, what we are and what we have. The things I felt for him were so strong, it swept me away to a different world. Our feelings felt so strong, and maybe you think I was assuming too much but I felt it in the way he looked at me, the way he would touch me and the way he would hold me in his arms. I wanted to believe that God gave me him and therefore everything will be beautiful. I forgot that I am still alive, and living is not complete without the uncertainties, pain, and adversity. I guess for the most part I am scared that the same thing that has happened to me before will happen to me yet again.

I hope that my love story is different this time. That the fairytale has ended such as that my Prince promised, but it doesn't mean that it won't be a happily ever after.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Take A Bow

By Rihanna

Ohh, how about a round of applause,
Yeah, standin’ ovation,
Ooh ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

[Verse 1]
You look so dumb right now,
Standin’ outside my house,
Tryin’ to apologize,
You’re so ugly when you cry,
Please, just cut it out.

Don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not,
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught,
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh ohh.

[Verse 2]
Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone),
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on (come on),
Talkin’ ’bout girl, I love you, you’re the one,
This just looks like the re-run,
Please, what else is on.

And don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not (mmm),
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught (mmm),
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh.

And the award for the best liar goes to you (goes to you),
For makin’ me believe that you could be faithful to me,
Let’s hear your speech out,
How about a round of applause,
A standin’ ovation.

But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow.

But it’s over now.


Ehem. Song is nice. No further comment.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Why I Should Stop Reading Other People's Blogs.

"there are things in life worth not letting go.... just because you want to be something else, you'll have to risk losing them"
- Troll, college friend

I was just skimming along my multiply site, as usual, my only form of gossiping. HEHE And I chanced upon a blog by a college friend. He has always been interesting to me. Nonetheless, he was writing about leaving and not leaving for work abroad. He was writing about the reasons why he wont leave. And after he said what I have quoted, he posted a picture of the person he loves.

Which brings me to wonder? Why did I ever even think about leaving him behind? Did I think he wasnt worth it? That my dreams are more important to me? I guess, this is just residue from the whole ex thing. That I wont build my dreams around another person anymore or I will not compromise my dreams because of a guy, who will just inevitably leave me in the end. Hay.

Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful. It's for the bold.
It's for those willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love.
It's for those, knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.
- Pexer

I don't really know, it just seems to give me a pinch of hope for me and Francis. That after all the pain, the problems, the good, the bad, the worst, the best, the whatevs...WE will still work.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Waiting For Love.


You know when you have nothing else better to do for the rest of your night, you start to flit through websites and read stuff. I was on this website, this girl is writing about love. She hasn't loved anyone since she broke up with her ex-boyfriend 10 years ago. Isn't that amazing?

But the thing is, it isnt. I get it. I might've not waited that long. But I know the feeling. Although I found it in me to let myself love someone again, there's always the fear of things ending up the way it did the last time. I did not wait for 10 years though. I found someone I fell in love with more than a year ago.

It took me awhile to recover from the pain. I went through a phase of self destruction, that wasnt obvious if you simply looked at me. A while back, I read a couple of blog entries I wrote about it. And even if it seemed so long ago, it still brought tears in my eyes.

It's funny, because I was telling my present SO all about forgiving and forgetting. I realized that I too have a lot of forgetting to do. I have forgiven but I think in a way when you get hurt, you never forget the pain. And that's where the fear starts to grow from.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Still watching One Tree Hill...

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.

I have my wish. And it's you.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Life Is Short.

*Sigh* Another proof that life is short. A friend of mine back in Arizona passed away. She wasn't even 30 yet. I am not sure of her exact age but she's probably around 26. She's a very nice girl. She always smiled and always said hi to me. She was going to get married next year. But I know she's in a better place.

RIP: Erin

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Once and For All.


Im better than this. HEHE

Tips On How Men Stay Married.

1. Always put her first -- before work, friends, even basketball. Act as if she's the best thing that ever happened to you, because we all know she is.

2. Keep no secrets. Pool your money. Allow nothing and no one to come between you.

3. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they're hard to forget.

4. Fall in love again everyday. Kiss her in taxis. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she's beautiful. Then tell her again.

5. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now but one day they'll be gold.

6. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a Shop-vac let her pick it out herself.

7. Go to church together, and pray every day for each other and your marriage.

8. Pay your bills on time and make sure you each have a living will, a durable power of attorney and life insurance, lest, God forbid, you need them.

9. Love her parents as your own, but don't ask them for money. Never criticize her family or friends. On her birthday send flowers to her mother with a not saying "Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life."

10. Always listen to her heart. If you're wrong say you're sorry; if you're right, shut up.

11. Don't half tie the knot; plan to stay married forever.

12. Never go to bed mad; talk until you're over it, or you forget why you were mad.

13. Laugh together a lot. If you can laugh at yourselves, you'll have plenty to laugh about.

14. Never criticize, correct or interrupt her in public; try not to do it in private, too.

15. Remember that people are the least lovable when they are most in need of love.

16. Never fall for the myth of perfectionism, it's a lie.

17. When you don't like each other, remember that you love each other; pray for the good days to return and they will.

18. Tell the truth, only the truth with great kindness.

19. Kiss at least 10 seconds a day, all at once or spread out.

20. Memorize all her favorite things and amaze her with how very well you know her.

21. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car. Keep steering it on a path you both wanna go.

22. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally and never stop growing spiritually.

23. Never raise your voice unless you're on fire. Whisper when you argue.

24. Be both friends and lovers; in a black out light a candle, then make your own sparks.

25. Finally, be an interesting person, lead your own life. But always save your best for each other. In the end you will know you were better together than you ever could've been apart.

- Taken from Vitality, July 2008

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

All You Need Is Love.

“Love is the greatest of all risks. It is not reliable, it is not cautious. It is not sympathetic and it is merciless. It strikes the strongest of mind, and brings them to their knees in one blow. The risk of love never depletes, it grows stronger and more dangerous with time. It consumes your every thought and desire… and every breath you take. It is the fire that fuels you, to do more than just pass through life. It urges you instead, to live. No matter what the outcome, having felt love, you will never be the same. It may scar your heart and your soul, and leave you with only memories of forever. Or it may cause every day of your life, to feel like there is no need for tomorrow. Love is worth it. It is worth the risk. For in all of life, love is truly the only risk worth taking.”

This is just a week full of copied things off of other blogs. Something rather interesting has happened to me. A person who told me she didn't want to hear from me again emailed me again. I rather understand what shes going through. Rough. Been there. First there's Pain, Denial and Bitterness. I saw her go through it. I went through it too before.

Well, anyway Francis and I are doing much, much better. Which is great. Right now I am feeling so tired. As in physically, emotionally and mentally drained out. Maybe it was the past few weeks, or maybe it has been the past year. It's just different. It used to be that whenever I felt weary, Francis has been there to alleviate the weariness. A ready smile, a big hug and a tender kiss was enough to make me feel better. But now, I cant get any, for obvious reasons. There's so little outlet for the weariness. That its all trapped within. Hay.

Oh well.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Sacrament Of Waiting.

by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.

The English poet John Milton once wrote that those who serve stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakeable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts than all the great deeds of derring-do that go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery—a natural sacrament of life. There is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting—testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in our self-control—pasensya na lang. We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations, and bus depots are temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one—or wait in sadness to say goodbye and to give that last wave of hand. We wait for birthdays and vacations; we wait for Christmas. We wait for spring to come or autumn—for the rains to begin or stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next step. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success, and recognition. We wait to grow up—to reach the stage where we make our own decision.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is part of the tapestry of living—the fabric in which the threads are woven that tell the story of our lives.

Yet the current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. “Grab all the gusto you can get.” So reads one of America’s great beer advertisements—Get it now. Instant pleasure—instant transcendence. Don’t wait for anything. Life is short—eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you’ll die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom—premarital sex and extramarital affairs—they warn against attachment and commitment, against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us, against vows and promises, against duty and responsibility, against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and to wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure—but even that is fleeting and doubtful. What was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure? “Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated.” Now if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, souls as well as heart, we have to learn to love someone else other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery brushing by our face everyday like stray wind or a leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has ever loved knows how much waiting goes into it, how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this so? Why can’t we have love right now—two years, three years, five years—and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit, the seed to flower, carbon to change into a diamond.

There is no simple answer, no more than there is to life’s demands: having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have already made other commitments, or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives, having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your path. Goodbyes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth—the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we love them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting—of being present without making demands or asking rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other until they can see things the same way, or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. What do we lose when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance and intimacy of the way they were? They have to wait—in silence—but still be present to each other until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory, and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait? When we try to find short cuts through life, when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of ever truly loving or being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature. Isn’t it of their very essence that they are filled with the strange but common mystery—that waiting is part of the substance, the basic fabric—against which the story of that true love is written?

How can we ever find either life or love if we are too impatient to wait for it?
Got it from Ella's multiply site.