I seriously need to party.
I wonder what my friends are doing right this moment. Seems they've forgotten about me.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
I seriously need to party.
Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again... For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person... in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else... Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little... As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right... Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger... So here's a piece of advice; Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough. And move on when things are not like before... It's certain... there is someone out there WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE...
Wise words from an unknown person:
A girl asked a boy if she was pretty.
He said no.
She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever.
He said no.
She then asked him if he would cry if she walked away.
He again said no.
She had heard too much.
She needed to leave.
As she walked away, he grabbed her arm and told her to stay, he said,
"You're not pretty, you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever. I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."
It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
If I could be any part of you, I'd be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.
This wise words of Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened!
The wise words of Oscar Wilde: A man wants to be a woman's first love, a woman wants to be his last.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER!
Laugh when you can,
apologize when you should,
and let go of what you can't change.
and have no regrets.
Life's too short to be anything…but happy.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/28/2007 10:50:00 AM
- letting go of a person you've just learned to love
- reminiscing the good times you shared together
- shielding your heart to love somebody
- trying to hide what you really feel
- trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes
- loving a person too much
- giving up someone you never thought of giving up
- having the right love at the wrong time
- taking the risk to fall in love again
- hiding your relationship from someone else
- controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend
- thinking of him every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that he never even thinks a single thought of you...
- letting go, because every time you see the person, you only fall deeper
- holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out
- falling in love with someone you didnt mean to fall in love with
- finding the perfect guy...with only one prob....he doesnt love you...the way you want him to...
- helping the one you love "court" your friend
- seeing the one you love crying for someone else
- the waiting also hurts like hell
- having to hear "... I've met someone"
- agreeing to his wish to 'just be friends'
- asking his freedom back because he'd be happier with her
- asking you to 'forget that everything happened' and be 'normal' friends again
- hearing that you're treated as a little sis (ouch!)
- sharing his future plans for the girl with you
- you stopped being friends because his gf asked him to
- being denied in front of people
- telling you lies where he'd been when actually, he was with a 'new friend' or an 'old flame' (whew!)
- he told you he'd be leaving you to return to his ex (the one he left 4 you!)
- breaking someone's heart
- fighting for that one thing that would make you happy that is, holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his commitment unless he fix himself...then, you are left hanging for the moment...then he says, time will tell...but you still decided to hope in him and trust him
- PRETENDING you're OK when inside you're dying...
- PRETENDING to be strong....and RECOGNIZING your weakness
- lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have...
- being with someone you can't actually love...
- pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love...
- being in love...
- letting go even if you really don't want to... having no right to say you are hurting because it was your decision
- seeing the person you love hurt because of you... and not being able to help that person...
- having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he doesnt treat you with the same closeness as before
- having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable
- admitting that you love someone despite his imperfections
- finding out that the more you try to hate him, the more you end up loving him, perhaps even more than before
- realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.
- the thought that this guy, used to really love you and you loved him as well but you didn't give enough and he gave up on you
- Sharing the one you love with SOMEBODY else.....
- making a promise....and realizing that when the time has come for that promise to be delivered....the commitment is no longer there...
- the hardest thing about love - believing it exists
- After you've been hurt...
...learning to forgive...learning to trust and love again
- But the hardest thing really is learning to love yourself. We always forget to do this. Always.
~I got this from Chellie's site...I can relate. *sigh*
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/28/2007 04:55:00 AM
Friday, April 27, 2007
This started out as a ranting entry...decided to delete everything and make it positive...
- My family...they frustrate the hell out of me but I love them, I don't have a choice. HAHAHA
- Francis, he's one of the major reasons that life is more interesting right now.
- My friends, TOPAC, My Galera girls, Tere - I miss you!, Manel - We owe each other some major bonding, Kevin - thanks for everything, Isprikitiktik/Jello - We still owe each other Intramuros, see you soon. Farah - I wish we'd gone to Embassy, see you in Sept! I miss my friends. *sob*
- My job! I love it! Even if I'm tired as hell right now.
- Clubhouse parking lot, for our spot you so generously lend us when we wanna hang out with each other.
I knew it! I need alone time! HAHA. Just read my friendster horoscope. HEHE
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/27/2007 10:23:00 AM
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
I was only able to keep one stuffed toy from my childhood. My mother gave the rest away. I don't know where. I asked her if I can keep Missy because I wanted to give her to the person whom I want and choose to be with for the rest of my days. Naks.
So I gave Missy to him a couple of weeks back. It's so cute because he wont keep Missy in the bag I brought her in. He carried her in his arms like that. Imagine that. HAHA Anyhow, we were hangin' out the other day in that same spot we hung out in almost every other night. As usual, random questions, cuddling and senseless laughters. I just love it.
He said something that really made me smile that night. Actually, it makes me smile each time I remember. He told me he loves me and he loves my family too. WAH. I think I just won the love lottery. HAHAHA He's my family now too. And one day we will be a family too, with his 2 princesses and my prince. :)
- Excerpt, Sunset Lover by Josh Kelly (John Tucker Must Die Soundtrack)
"You drive me completely crazy, completely crazy for my sunset lover tonight."
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/25/2007 08:40:00 AM
Monday, April 23, 2007
Thank you! You've made such a major difference in my life. You've changed me in such a way that it's making my life better. You make me smile by the mere thought of you. Thank you for making me happier. I just wanted to do this now, before I forget it.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/23/2007 09:46:00 AM
I now have new plans in life. Since I shifted careers I started drawing up new goals for myself. Curiously, something or rather someone also popped into my life. I remember I said that if things fell apart between me and the ex, I'm going abroad and find my future there. And when it did end, I was in Culinary school, so I couldn't get out. It's opened doors for me, oppurtunities to become a better person. I've long since gotten over that heartbreak. And now I've met someone who can possibly be in my future, the future being in give or take 3-6 years.
Since that break up I've stopped looking into the future with thoughts of spending the rest of my life with someone. Whenever I thought of my future, I always, ALWAYS, just think of it for myself, with myself and by myself. But now, its not like that anymore. I've grown fond of thinking about the future as "our", "we" or "us", and it's quite pleasant.
Anyway I miss him right now. And it's almost breaking my heart. I've started to open my heart to him without hesitation, without fear, and with love. And now, I miss him. I miss him so badly that tears start to well up with longing. *sigh*
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/23/2007 03:44:00 AM
Friday, April 20, 2007
I know. I was too self involved. You said it yourself, I had the tendency to be self centered. And I didn't deny it. When I read your message I had to fight back the tears. I felt your pain. It stabbed my heart, and what's even more painful was it was me who caused it.
I'm sorry. I wish there was more I can say. I wish there were more words invented to say how sorry I am for hurting you, for breaking your heart. I know it's ironic. I wished for a Prince. And then there was you. And I wanted Prince to be YOU so badly. And then I do something like this.
I didn't believe in love at first sight until I met you. I've given you my heart, but even so, I am still trying to protect it from you. Even if I have kept on repeating to myself that pain is inevitable. That I have to feel it.
I'm sorry. Forgive me for hurting you. Forgive me for all those times that you thought I didn't care. Forgive me for not loving you enough. Forgive me for holding back the love that I have for you for fear of being vulnerable to you. Forgive me. Forgive me.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/20/2007 03:39:00 AM
Thursday, April 19, 2007
And each man kills the thing he loves,- Excerpt, The Valkyries - Paulo Coelho
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword.
You know you're screwed when you start asking other people what's wrong with you. Gawd, I miss Myles. I thought I was over this. I thought I was over the fear. I read and re-read that message and suddenly I thought: "Have I been robbed of my capacity to love by the things that I have experienced in my life?
I thought the Prince letters showed me I can love someone who will be my future even if I do not know who this person is yet. And now, I am here. I want him to be my Prince. Yes, I want him to be "the one" but my fears are getting the best of me.
I know what you're all going to say. Things just went too fast and now I am faced with the fact that he is a stranger. That I didn't really know him. I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to ask him the right questions, so that I get the answers that I want. Ang insensitive ko na ata.
I'm enjoying his company too much, that I haven't been thinking that he might wanna do somethings for himself. It's his mom's birthday today. I actually thought about telling him to greet her for me. But I didn't think it made much difference if I did or didn't, after all his mom doesn't really know me. If they went to the hotel, I was gonna send over something for her, but he told me last night that they weren't going to. I pretended that it was okay. Well there really wasn't anything I can do about it.
Yesterday, I was so pissed at him, because I thought he was going to come with me home. We were going to play boggle and watch some movies. But I dropped him off metro walk. My mom asked for him when I got home, I knew she was going to say something about him flaking out, so I told her I asked him to come later when it's supposedly cooler in that hellish room we all call the living room.
I dont even know what his fave color is. Or his dream car. Or what he really wanted to do with his life. I meant to ask him that, because I remembered he told me he wanted to do something and travel. But it was vague. I haven't asked if he ever wanted to become a doctor when he was younger. Or how come he doesn't change his friendster status. If he played chess, scrabble, or monopoly. I hadn't asked him if he wanted to go clubbing one time. Does he dance? Did he write a letter to Pope John Paul? Where was he during World Youth Day 1996?
Just random things. I think I lost that "girlfriend instinct". Where you ask if he's already eaten lunch, wow - buti pa pala si Patricia. Or how his day went. Maybe I'm just not the person he thought I was. Maybe he was wrong when he said he didn't deserve me. Maybe it was me who didn't deserve him. That every single guy who bullshitted me had been right about doing that, because I deserved it.
I'm a wretch.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/19/2007 10:51:00 AM
Monday, April 16, 2007
"...You're now part of my plan in life."
Isn't it nice that someone includes you in their life's plan? WAAAH. I've become a major cynic. I've stopped including people, especially significant people in my life plan. My life plan basically consists of ME, God's plan for me, my family and my work. I've stopped including people who will potentially hurt me and leave me in my life plan. Because I don't want to have to change anything when they're gone.
But now, I've started building dreams around him, plans, praying for a future with him. Being thankful for everyday that I'm still with him, for the feelings that I have, and for the different kind of happiness that I'm experiencing right now. Okay, this blog is turning boyfriend centered again. HAHA. Cheesy. Pffft!
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/16/2007 10:19:00 AM
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
/ˌgʊdˈbaɪ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[good-bahy] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation interjection, noun, plural -byes.
–interjection 1. farewell (a conventional expression used at parting).
–noun 2. a farewell.
[Alteration (influenced by good day) of God be with you.]
Word History: No doubt more than one reader has wondered exactly how goodbye is derived from the phrase "God be with you." To understand this, it is helpful to see earlier forms of the expression, such as God be wy you, god b'w'y, godbwye, god buy' ye, and good-b'wy. The first word of the expression is now good and not God, for good replaced God by analogy with such expressions as good day, perhaps after people no longer had a clear idea of the original sense of the expression. A letter of 1573 written by Gabriel Harvey contains the first recorded use of goodbye: "To requite your gallonde [gallon] of godbwyes, I regive you a pottle of howdyes," recalling another contraction that is still used.
Doesn't matter I start to miss him just with that thought that I have to say goodbye...ugh. :(
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/13/2007 11:38:00 AM
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Starting tomorrow, I will no longer have a life...my shift just changed. I'm working from 6 AM to 2 PM. And my day off will be Tuesday. Heller?! Oh well. For just one more month. Heehee.
Will blog tomorrow. I miss him terribly. *sob*
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/12/2007 11:02:00 AM
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
I loooove Mom and Dad! They're my aunt and uncle who I call Mom and Dad. I have learned a lot from them and they've changed the way I think or do in some way. They have influenced me in my growth as a person, who will be successful.
And a helpful, responsible, "old" boyfriend doesn't hurt too. HAHA I think the common denominator that they've all told me not be a baby anymore. Because I'm not. I'm 24. But can I still go clubbing once in a while? HEHE
Think that you are successful, that you have the money. YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL AND YOU HAVE THE MONEY.
I think, therefore I am.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/11/2007 11:06:00 PM
Smell the scent of your perfume that somehow stuck to my shirt when you hugged me...
Feel your arms around me, in a tight hug...
Feel those sweet butterfly kisses you like to plant on my cheek, on my ear, on my mouth...
If I can be with you everyday, I'd do it...
But I don't think I'd appreciate all of which I mentioned if I had 'em everyday...
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/11/2007 01:02:00 PM
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I remember you always told me that I can ask you anything. I can tell you my concerns and stuff. But how come when I start asking, you become irritable and offensive. Maybe it's the way I ask, or maybe the way you interpret them. Not sure.
Remember, I said I was just planning? Now, I don't know how to ask anymore. *looks up*
Yooohooo! I need help down here!
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/10/2007 10:43:00 PM
Today, I am taking a step towards a future that I had planned for myself. I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. But it doesn't matter I know I have to try it. There is a reason for everything. There is a time for everything.
My being OC sometimes has caused me to plan, and re-plan almost everything in my life. I am a random person who has plans! I contradict myself! But there are just some things in my life that needs careful planning. And this, is one of them. Right now, I cannot be random. My future is at stake. My whole life is in the front line.
Maybe, just maybe, from the way my life has turned around the past few months, I can still claim this to be mine. So, best of luck. :)
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/10/2007 10:27:00 PM
How can I screw something up in less than 24 hours?! Dammit. I must be the world biggest screw up. It's the person in me who just has to get all the answers. Who just can't accept something as they are. I've become the world's most un-girlfriend. Shit.
I'm so sorry...
No, it still doesn't do right. It's not enough. Sorry isn't enough. But still...even if it doesn't do justice for the things I thought or said...I'm sorry.
Aray, pucha masakit ulit ang puso ko. Agh!
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/10/2007 11:33:00 AM
Monday, April 09, 2007
I think I now agree with a friend when he said that sex is a deal breaker in most relationships. Sex and the lack of it. I had been at crossroads. It's funny because I wasn't forced to do anything. I may have been reluctant at first but in the end it was a decision that I made. On my way home, all sorts of feelings started crowding my heart.
I gave out a sarcastic laugh at myself. I thought about all the things my friends had told me. I wanted to go to my friends house and tell her that it wasn't how I thought it would be. I wasn't relieved that I have gone ahead and took that plunge, when I thought I'd be. I'd have wanted to take that leap a long time ago, but the paranoia and the low tolerance for pain stopped me every time.
I'm overwhelmed and I had to fight back tears. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't going to cry over what happened. I wanted it. I don't regret it. I admit I wanted him to text me or call. At the back of my head I wanted him to let me know I had been wrong about some of the things that have entered and left my head and heart the last 24 hours that I stared, pondered and doodled.
I think I've wallowed over this for a while now. And it's time to let it go. The moon is still waning. I'll see where this one leads me to, where this one will lead us to. I remember what he said "I will protect you and you will protect me."
So maybe, just maybe he will be different. And I can hold on to all the things he's told me. Then maybe in his loving arms I will find comfort and peace from all of this. So, please...show me.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/09/2007 10:07:00 PM
conquest ('kän-"kwest, 'kä[ng]-; 'kä[ng]-kw&st)
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Vulgar Latin *conquaesitus, alteration of Latin conquisitus, past participle of conquirere
1 : the act or process of conquering
2 a : something conquered; especially : territory appropriated in war b : a person whose favor or hand has been won
And so...another one bites the dust. And I got more than what I can chew.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/09/2007 01:33:00 PM
When I embraced you that morning watching the sunrise, I made a promise to God that I will love you with all my heart. I am your boyfriend. If you're not satisfied with what I offer then you always have the choice to leave. I love you.
I just want to remember this...for as long as I can...for as long as I am allowed to keep this minute space in cyberworld.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/09/2007 01:22:00 PM
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Why must loving someone always have reason? Does it really matter why? Isn't it that when you have a reason to love someone, it seems that the feelings are superficial or unreal? When I am asked this question I am ALWAYS stumped. Trapped. And then I end up thinking "Why?" When I don't really feel that I need to explain how I feel.
Can't you love someone just because it feels natural to feel that way for that person? Because it feels right to be with him? Like in his arms is the only place where I belong. I cannot say, he completes me, because I believe that the only person who completes me is myself. But it seems, I've found the answers to my life's questions when I found him. That there's no need for me to look elsewhere because it's right there. Like my existence now makes sense.
So why do I love you? It can be anywhere from the way you look at me piercingly, or the way you kiss me, or the way you demand for me to kiss you, or the way you hold me, or the way you caress me or the way you hug me tightly or the way you make me feel all giggly, girly and totally highschoolish. It could be anything.
Why do I love you, you ask?
...a taste of love, the more you get, the more you want
and all because..the only reason is just because
it all makes sense, when you're near it all makes sense...
I didn't think I'd ever feel this way again. That I'd be able to say this again. But in your arms or just being beside you...I feel like...I'm home.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/07/2007 09:47:00 PM
Friday, April 06, 2007
What's new? There. I said it, I already have a boyfriend. Please? Go away! You had your shot. You were too complicated to be with from the start. And please don't go saying stuff like "I was MIA." or "It's too bad, you already have someone." like you actually find this regrettable for your part.
No. It's not bad. It's actually good I have him. I love that I have him. I love what we have, how we are, and what we are. I love us. I love him. I'm happy.
Stop saying stuff like that it's annoying. It's not making you interesting enough. Grrrr.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/06/2007 11:54:00 PM
I hate goodbyes. I always used to say see you later instead of goodbye. I don't like saying goodbye...especially not to him. I know I will see him again but still. Most of the time I just want to get it over with, so I can look forward to seeing him again.
Blech. No goodbyes, just see you laters...
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/06/2007 10:18:00 PM
The Bottom Line
Step back from the social scene and listen to your inner voice. Center yourself.
Constant transitioning is not an effective way to balance your life, so stop moving from point to point (or person to person) in search of answers. And stop doing only what you think others want you to do -- this will not help you reach your goals. If you truly want harmony in your life right now, you need to put things on pause and try to center yourself. Step back from the social scene and let your inner voice be heard.
Is this my sign? WAHAHAHAHA
Whaaaat?! No more partying?! NO WAY!
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/06/2007 12:51:00 AM
Thursday, April 05, 2007
It's no secret I had a big year last year. A year that was completely, utterly, and disgustingly stupid. And it's haunting me now. Dammit.
I'm good now. I'm happy. I have someone. I have something that looks and feels right. I have something that looks like it will be something I can grow into further. And there is nothing else that I want right now than to make this work. To be with him.
WHY THE HELL CAN'T THEY FREAKIN FUCK OFF?!! AGH!
If he knew, would he change his mind? Or have a change of heart?
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/05/2007 11:53:00 PM
There it is again. That feeling that I have whenever I nearly hit something when I'm driving, yet I'm here blogging. So what is it?
I kinda want to change Prince's name to Smith. HAHAHA After Smith Jarred, remember Samantha Jones' hunky boyfriend. Absolut guy! HAHAHA Just a thought.
Dammit I can't freakin' shake the nasty feeling away!!!!
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/05/2007 11:35:00 PM
Can I keep you?
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/05/2007 12:15:00 PM
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Have you read the book Love Story by Erich Segal? It's nice book. Or should I say romance novel. There's this part there that the characters had a big fight and some hurtful things to each other. The girl left and the guy was look all over for her. When he finally found her, he started saying he was sorry. And the girl shushed him said
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."But what does it mean? People tend to take other people for granted. I am guilty of such. Sorry is one of the hardest words to say. It's humbling yourself. It is accepting a mistake.
I guess one good example is when my mom and I have a fight. We NEVER say we're sorry. But we know, we understand that it's okay. In loving hearts, I guess it's the same. You understand, that it's okay. You forgive. But it shouldn't be taken for granted.
Hay, mga tangang puso. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/04/2007 09:25:00 PM
I am thinking about taking the board exams next January 2008. Considering. Quite seriously, I must say. I have a number of reasons for wanting to do it. First, its an additional blue ribbon to my name, my dad will stop nagging me about it and will stop picking at the fact that I enjoy my job in the kitchen, I can teach History of Architecture - if I ever wanna pursue that, and lastly, it will make the rest of my family happy.
A couple of things that need to be considered though are, my empty logbook of diversified experience, my kitchen job that I LOVE to bits, I'm gonna have to put the rest of my (new) life's plan on the backseat! WAAAAAAAAAAH.
Maybe I'm just bored, again. Maybe if they give me a new toy (Nikon d80 or Canon Rebel XTI) I won't be thinking about it as much. *sigh*
I want to lie down and stare at the sky.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/04/2007 09:09:00 PM
Look up! Please.
Do you see it? Beautiful, right?
Bright and luminescent...
You are much like it...
The light that brightens up the darkest crevices of my heart that swore not to love anymore...
You are my full moon...in the darkest of nights...
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/04/2007 10:55:00 AM
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
I am such a crybaby. Even when I was young, when Manel starts teasing me or starts a fight, I'd start crying. And being the bully that she is, she'd start teasing me more. I cry at movies, even if I tell myself I won't cry. I cry when Daddies cry. You know that scene at A Walk To Remember? Where Mandy's dad was talking to her when she was in the hospital? I was crying during that whole talk. I cry at sappy commercials! Even with the bitch exterior, I cry easily. Even if I tell myself not to cry, tears just start streaming down.
I was reading Ella's blog this morning, and reading all the replies. And tears started welling up and rolling down my cheeks. I swear I'm not sure if I am empathizing or sympathizing. I dunno, maybe I just felt bad for her. But I know she knows there's a reason for it.
I swear, can you have tear ducts surgically removed? HEHE
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/03/2007 11:37:00 PM
You shit. Try reading it helps! You're always mocking me. My thoughts, my feelings, and my ramblings. A person can only take so much. I can only take so much. It's okay to try to be funny. But not at a person's expense. Because sometimes, even the numbest hearts still hurt.
Yes. I have numbed myself from the mocking. I've been called such since I was a kid. I've learned to ignore the pain and how it eats up my self-confidence. But even if that's the case, there's still that pang of pain inside me. Why did you think I wrote it down? So people can tell me to stop saying that to myself? So that my friends can tell me otherwise?
It's because, it hurt. And you just poured salt on it.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/03/2007 01:52:00 PM
Am I THAT ugly? Someone wants me to lose more weight. I mean, yeah 20 more pounds off will make me happier - except my mom, because I'm going to shop, shop, and shop! There's this girl at work who wants to shape my eyebrows, I mean I do have them shaped once in a while but only when I'm at the salon already...I don't go to the salon just to have them shaped. She even suggested I get lasik treatment, which I will sometime, not for vanity but to improve my eyesight. She said she wants to do a make over on me! I'm actually okay as I am. I don't hate myself for being fat anymore, especially since I lost weight and still plan to lose more. I could use a bit of toning up but a make over? *sigh*
Lose weight, lose weight, lose weight. Yeah I know I'm fat. In fact there are only 3 people in my immediate family who isn't fat. I always ask my friends if I'm ugly and they'd say no. Then people, okay not random people but people I barely know would say stuff like lose weight, or you need a makeover. BLECH. My former dean at UST always told me I was pretty. I used to ask him for extra considerations, like overload a subject or two.
Do you know what this does to people? To me? I'm lucky that I learned not to care as much. That I have that much sense of self worth. I'm just ranting. I've had enough.
I know. I know what I lack. I know what I have. I know what I am and what I am not. I also look in the mirror. I see all the things that they tell me. They didn't have to rub it in. I already know. And I am already doing something about it. So please, just shut it. I don't want to hear any of it.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/03/2007 11:41:00 AM
I swear this was on the manual in a box of tampons.
Q: Will tampons break my hymen and cause me to lose my virginity?
A: No. Tampons will not tear nor break your hymen. There is a small opening in the hymen that lets menstrual fluid , and tampons are small enough to pass through this opening. You will remain a virgin until you have sexual intercourse, regardless of tampon usage.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Talk about one hell of a BMI. Have you seen a tampon? Anyway, if you have a lucid and silly imagination such as mine...you'd be thinking of what I thought about when I read the myth.
If you didn't...tough luck.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/03/2007 12:23:00 AM
Monday, April 02, 2007
Yes, I am doing the inner monologue. I can't help it. The bitch is just yapping and yapping. I'm practically deaf! Now that I'm in bed and waiting for sleep, I finally started thinking about what happened. There was that moment there when he just held me and we talked and he looked into my eyes and said things. I listened, it sounded painful. But I tried to dismiss the pain. It wasn't important. I told myself that this moment was mine. I had nothing to say after he said it I turned away. He peered at me and then said "April Fool's."
They say jokes are half meant. So maybe everything that he said will be true one day. I know I can't keep him. I don't own him. But I hope I will have more time. I guess it's easy for me to doubt someone, especially those I don't know much about. I guess it's a defense mechanism.
Myles once told me that unless I abandon all doubt of a person's sincerity then I cannot love that person. And I am aware of that. But this is not about him and how he feels. This is about me. This is about trusting what and how I feel. Because really, when you love someone sometimes that person wont reciprocate those feelings, and you just don't un-love him right? I do not love to loved back. I know I will be loved. I read somewhere
"Love is not about having to question how a person feels about you."And it's true. Even my Prince has showed me that I didn't need him to be there for me to love him. I loved him even if I didn't know who he was.
Dammit I was trying to find an entry I had that had all the stuff that people tell me about love. I remembered I deleted it. HAHA. Oh well. I'm starting to rationalize again. Sorry, it's the inner monologue. Screw the inner monologue!
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/02/2007 10:09:00 PM
Did you see that beautiful sunrise? I was awed by it. I've never appreciated waking up early in the morning in my life more than I did today. It was a beautiful morning, made even more beautiful because of you. Because you're in my heart.
When I went out and looked up at the sky...the moon was just rising. Breathtaking...I thought of you...almost that same instant that I saw the glowing orb. It seems to light up everything around me. The dark night sky seems to be brighter.
Today, was a beautiful day. A great morning, a good start and an even better evening. It's perfect, just the way I dreamed it would be. I can't ask for anything more. Smile. Be happy today.
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/02/2007 11:50:00 AM
Dreams. I'm a dreamer. I day dream a lot. Especially on idle moments. I believe that if you can dream it, you can make it happen. Some though are mere wishful thinking.
I'd dream of Europe. All those rustic architecture, all that rich culture, not to mention guys with sexy accents! I always thought about what I'd do if someone I wanted to see or did not want to see walked into the restaurant where I worked in. I'd try to envision what I'd do.
I'd dream of moments I'd like to share with someone very special to me. Beautiful sunrises, wonderful sunsets. dinner at Antonio's, lying on the beach counting shooting stars, traveling, singing, or just enjoying each other's company.
My friends say I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe. I admit I'm an idealist. I've been hurt before and my ideals have been mocked and made fun of but it's okay. That's just the way life is. There's nothing wrong with being a romantic and dreaming of romance. I heard in a movie I once saw that
"Every woman's love story is exactly how she wants it to be."And I guess, this is my love story. The letters, the prince and me. And whatever else that happens in between. I allowed it happen. I wanted it.
Funny, because within less than 30 minutes of writing this on my notebook and finally getting orders for the tempura I saw someone I wasn't expecting to see in front of me. So is this how destiny humors me? You. Shit. HAHAHAHA
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/02/2007 11:28:00 AM
Sunday, April 01, 2007
The Bottom Line
Romance must take a backseat for a little while. You have other things to focus on.
Romance might have to start taking a backseat in your life for a while -- and not because you won't have anyone interested in getting romantic with you (and vice versa). Rather, it's just that you have some more important things to deal with. Taking care of business will help you clear your mind, and will give you the energy that's necessary to open up your heart to someone else. Taking a break from wooing or being wooed will refresh your attitude, too.
Let me just clap my hands. *clap clap* Lansak!
I don't know if I'm going to jump for joy or do an egg roll. *sarcasm here* *sticks tongue out*
Posted by soulfoolchic at 4/01/2007 12:27:00 AM