Monday, September 29, 2008

I Wanna Be Your Everything.

By Keith Urban

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
What I had never felt with anyone else
I wanna give back what you've given to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more than just your man

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And Be the hand that lifts your veil
And Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

When you wake up I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out to me
I'll cherish your words
And I'd finish your thoughts
And I’ll be your compass baby when you get lost

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
Be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

I'll be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything

-----
Stealing songs from other people's laptops. The lyrics to this song, struck me. HARD.

The Sad Word...Goodbye.

It's that time of the year. When peak season is up and I have to get up and leave. I made some really cool friends here in Cape Cod. Im really going to miss them.

I actually already miss the summer kids. Hargh.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

That's What She Said.

Backstreet Boys

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

there are people who say what you wanna hear
even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear
when you really really love someone am i right
when i say that you want them near
and if you care you even tell them things
that they wanna hear

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
the simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said she said yeah

there are people
who say what they really mean
she said she'd always be there
she said she'd always care
but jsut when you think that you can trust that someone you love
tell me why do you know how stars can fall from above

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh ohho yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be togethter
thats what she said she said

cause you made promises that you couldn't keep (ooo)
but you're not hurting yourself
you're only hurting me
why would you say things that you really didn't mean
oh how can i make you see just what you did to me

ooh you said how much you really care
just when i thought i was in love
girl how could you care
if i were you i could not lie even once to the face of the one
that i love so much

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had.
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we're see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be together.
oh thats what she said.

----

I was walking to work in the rain, puffing a cigarette. And I remembered this song. And I remembered him. I thought I was going to cry. But I was just numb inside.

False Hopes.

I am one of the fools that don't really believe in destiny. I used to believe in fairy tales. In happy endings. Each time a friend tells me that "If you're meant to be with him, love will find a way." I make a face. I gave a retort. Because I don't know it just builds anxeity for me. Because I wouldn't know when will love find a way. If it will. If it is strong enough to do that. Or when things just become so bad, like it did for us, when we do meet again, how do you start to trust each other again with each other's hearts?

I never really had answers to those questions. And so I tend to think being meant to be means working things out as you go along. If you are meant to be together, then you will surpass it all.

Have you ever read The Notebook? Or perhaps seen the movie? Swans they say mate for life. In some weird way, I hope to see you in the next life when we are both swans.

Friday, September 26, 2008

A New Light.

For the longest time I've never really been friends with my mom. I saw her as someone who liked manipulating me to do things to her biding. I'm going through one of the hardest things I have to go through in my life. And even if I could talk to my friends I couldn't find the comfort I was looking for. And as ashamed as I am to confess to my mom the truth, I wanted to try.

So I called her and told her everything that has happened. Everything. I told her how all this madness started, the annulment, the pictures, the news that a friend of mine told me, the girl who emailed me and most importantly I told her what I did.

Of course she was shocked. I expected her to tell me that "Well, maybe you are not meant to be with him." She didn't, instead she told me that there is nothing I could do about it. But to wait. We'll wait and see how it goes when I go home, if we have that talk. And she told me to be careful and not to put myself in situations like that anymore. I deserved better than to be used like that. And when she said this I knew she wasn't talking about Francis.

For the first time in my life, I appreciated my mom for being who she is. And hopefully, I can start being a better child to her and my dad. I know that they also deserve to see me at my best.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Im Yours.

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap you thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours
----------

Maybe, a song for our future...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Breaking Up, Breaking Down.

I haven't slept at all tonight. Maybe a good hour. I was so disoriented. My heart was just racing and no matter what I did to calm myself, I just wasnt doing what I am supposed to do. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. This is going to be one long month.

I lost someone I love dearly last night. After almost a year of trying to stay together, another one bites the dust. I couldn't cry. I was rubbing my eyes last night to spill the tears out but I couldn't cry. I felt numb. Every hour I would check my phone and hope that he'd say it was a joke. At one point I woke up and thought that I was just dreaming. But I checked my phone and I wasn't.

Im shaking right now. Still reeling. But I still couldn't cry. You see, when I said that "I'm leaving it up to God's will." I was hoping it meant, we will weather the odds together. Oh well. I cannot help but feel that this is his way of getting away from the guilt. Like he is sitting back home, with his new gf. I gave him the perfect excuse.

Thing is, I thought he said that he can forgive me no matter what. I did the same for him. I thought we loved each other so much that we can see past through the ugly and still see a beautiful person. I loved him like that. I loved him through the pain he caused me. I forgave him for all his shortcomings. But I guess for some people, love is not enough to cover an offense, although the bible said it should.

I had been ready to give us another chance. The other night, I had a long talk with God, and asked him to take care of me. I surrendered all my fears to him, all the anxeity I felt, and left everything up to him. And everything started out good. In the morning we were talking again, like we normally did. Until I went home, and checked my stuff, everything went downhill from there. When everything seemed alright, that's always when it bites me back in the ass.

But maybe he's right, I have no clue what love is all about. Afterall I am nothing but a spoiled brat.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Re-learning The Alchemist.

"...before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved towards the dream. That's the point at which most people give up. Its the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."
- The alchemist, The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Well, isn't that so true. I'm almost there, I'm almost home but then I feel him becoming more and more distant. And I feel within me the resignation. The exasperation, of just seeing how things are going awry. I hope I get through it. I hope WE get through it.

"It is said that the darkest hour of the night came just before dawn."
- The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Just the Way You Are

Billy Joel

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
-------

My fave song off the restaurant playlist. I wish I can be loved this way. No need to force me to change or anything, just letting me become my own. Just opening a heart, enough for me to know what it holds. And eventually be part of. No pushing away, no ugly words, no conflicting actions.

I love him like that...

Summer is over.

It's 11 degrees celsius. Summer is over. I know because Richard also left. It's strange I'm sad he's gone. It's the universal truth.

"People always leave."

What's stranger is I miss him. Like I have become attached to him in some way that something is missing. Anyway, it's inevitable. We all knew we wont be seeing each other forever. It's just sad sometimes.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Shooting Star.

I was in the bar talking to some girls about dating and relationships. M, stressed out to me so many times how, it's good to meet or date alot of people. And she told me her relationship stories. It was fun hearing them. And I know somehow she is right. We all could use the experience.

But why is it when I looked up at the sky and found that shooting star, my wish never changed? Its still the same wish, prayer and hope. Him and Me, always, forever.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Finding My Way Back...

"One of the worst feelings in the world is having to doubt something that you thought was unquestionable."

A friend of mine sent me this quote way, way back. We were going through what seemed like the biggest heartbreak of our lives. I used to go to her house and we would smoke two packs of cigs and drink two cans of beer each. And ramble on and on about our lack of a decent man in our lives. Maybe she could relate to the message and she wanted to share it to me. And I could relate to it as well, because I had been there. Loving someone with abandon, believing that it's never going to end, and then it does. And you sit there, trying to understand what had happened, what led to that, what you did wrong, and what you could've done to prevent it. It would go on for a couple of months sometimes it would take more. And then you realize you wasted so much of your time analyzing when there is no way to bring that person back into your life. He chose that path, and you can wait forever for him to choose to go back.

A year ago, I left behind someone who meant alot to me. Sure, I may not have known him all my life, but I loved him like no other. I gave him all that I had. All that I can. And all that I can't. In my previous blogs, I said that I when I left I was full of faith that it was going to work out. I gave him options that seemed more feasible. More practical, and he said that we should stay together, and deep inside me that's what I really wanted.

Being with him was just different. I felt a different kind of peace in his presence, it's like everything is still, calm and nothing can harm me. I have gone through the hardest things the past few months, in our relationship. The things that happened, I have forgiven. The forgetting part is the hardest. I guess, no one ever really forgets, because no one is meant to. Thats why we are given memories to keep. That's why people who get diagnosed with Alzheimer's get sad about losing their memories, because no matter how painful it had been, the good times were all worth the pain.

But then, these things that I cannot forget, it sometimes get to me. Its gets me so bad I start to jeopardize what Francis and I have. If he wasn't this patient and (as I would like to think) if he didn't love me so much, he would've walked away by now already. Honestly, I dont know if I will find my way back, or if I will get lost again as I have many times.

But I do know, that I love him. And maybe thats enough for me to hang on too. That my own feelings haven't gone. That I still love him despite of it all.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I'm way down under.

Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot.

Toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot.

Friday, September 12, 2008

If I Fell.

if I fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
and I found that love was more
than just holding hands

if I give my heart to you
I must be sure
from the very start
that you would love me more than her

if I trust in you oh please
don't run and hide
if I love you too oh please
don't hurt my pride like her

'cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry
when she learns we are two

'cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry
when she learns we are two

if I fell in love with you

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Mystery Of The Depleted Checking Account.

I looked at my year to date earnings and I was shocked! Where did all that money go?! My eyes flew to my laptop. That was all I can really show for it. And to my horror I opened every single checking account, transaction book, and credit card statement I have. And there you have it. All of summer's earnings all in paper and not in the bank. All spent. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

If my boyfriend ever knew how much I spend on things like...3 laptop bags, why? Don't ask me?! He will strangle me. Well, maybe not. He never asks where my money goes, he's just not the type. Although he asked me to save. He knows how extravagant I can be. And I get anxiety on the thought that I am going home without anything to my name...except mountains of debts. Well...it's my own freakin fault. WAH! That last month in Arizona really did me in!

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Diagnosis.

SHOP-A-HOLIC

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I almost maxed out my credit card again!

Friday, September 05, 2008

...

I recently joined a match site. A US based one since I'm here. I don't know why I did. I used to feel bad about Francis still on that matching site. I still feel bad about it. I don't know why I suddenly thought about joining. I know I'm not looking but...

What the hell. :(

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Dont Think I'm Not

Remember this song?! HEHE

By Kandi

I don't have to question
Where you were last night
Cause I already know what you will say
I already know you'll lie

But I can't be mad at ya
Cause there's something that you don't know
That when your gone I do my own thing
Can I catch a bone? Why you dogging me?

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When I try to get your attention
You ignore me everytime
You were so caught up doing your dirt
That you didn't notice mine

Well I couldn't put up with your scheming
And I couldn't put up with your lies
They say two wrongs won't make it right
But we still didn't need this fight

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

Don't be surprised to know that sometimes women play the game
You may not believe it, but it's real
The game is so real, so real, so real
Oh, don't think we won't do it
When your out in the club....

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine