Monday, June 30, 2008

A (Mr.) Big Happy Ending.

I realized, I want a Big happy ending. You know, painful, long, messed up relationship, but still works in a abso-fuckinlutely good way. Labo ba? You think I am taking this SATC addiction quite too far, right? No, not really. It's just that love is really that, painful, happy, endless, and sometimes messed up! But when two people make it a common goal to work things out then it does work out. I mean I have been there, wanting to work things out, it's just the other person didn't want to, until later on when I wasn't interested anymore.

You know that thing where you didn't think he'd actually go far to try to get you, then he pulls a big surprise and he does? Things like that. I have a friend who is obssessed with finding someone who will fall crazy in love with her. I don't know as how crazy she wants the guy to be, but I hope not as crazy as some of my Bubu's ex bitches. And I think she's crazy to actually want something like that.

What I want is this...

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."
- Carrie Bradshaw

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Inner Monologues...again.

Sometimes I have these bad break up conversations with Francis in my head. Where I contradict myself and him. I point out all our promises and vows. And it just dawned on me, that I shouldn't think about those things because I am never going to have those conversations with him.

And so, I tried to remember what the things that he's told me. "I don't play around coz i'm not a kid. My respect for you still stands firm. We'll work this out and me...i will stay and hold my ground. When the time comes that you no longer need me then I shall leave, but for now, I will care for you. I will continue this journey. I will FIGHT for us if i must. I'm here to stay, I will protect YOU and you will protect me."

These are the things that bring me comfort.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

This Is What Reading Archived Blogs Does To You.

One of the best things we can do in our lives is this: Begin again. Begin to see yourself as you were. When you were the happiest and strongest you've ever been. Begin to remember what worked for you (and what worked against you), and try to capture the magic again. Begin to remember how natural it was when you were a child -- To live a lifetime each day. Begin to forget the baggage you have carried with you for years: the problems that don't matter anymore, the tears that cried themselves away, dnd the worries that are going to wash away on the shore of tomorrow's new beginnings. Tomorrow tells us it will be here every new day of our lives; and if we will be wise, we will turn away from the problems of the past and give the future -- and ourselves -- a chance to become the best of friends. Sometimes all it takes is a wish in the heart to let yourself begin again.

Can you believe that I commented this to my friend. It's a poem I found a long time ago, that I have forgotten. Why do we forget these things? We shouldn't. These are lessons. We really shouldn't forget them.

I dont think it is right to even find someone like what you're looking for, nor become a person like that.We need someone who can be there even if we dont see or feel him physically. And hope that this person accept us for who we are and also teach us to become a person who not only "see" but also "feel", without having to be clingy.

One more. I mean, I am smart right? I mean look at the things I have been saying?

I am so disappointed with the person I have become! Well...not really. Just with the way I have dealt with my relationship. It's like I didn't learn anything AT ALL! But on the brighter side, I have learned to become more independent and self reliant due to rising needs to be one.

Wait! Wait! It's 8:30 AM on my side teh world, and the sun is out. I should be out tanning. I'll be back to ponder more on my inconsistencies.


I finally saw the Sex And The City Movie, well, a crappy version of it. But nonetheless it was what I have been expecting from it. Lessons, lessons, lessons. Its weird right, can you really pick up lessons from this movie? Well, I don't know about you but I picked up some stuff from the series.

I love these lines:

"It's not logic, it's love."
- Carrie Bradshaw

I think I've seen this series from the start that I have seen Carrie make up and break up with Big. All the pain. Okay, I know it's a fictional character, but what happens to them has happened to alot of people in the real world. They love, their loved ones hurt them but they forgive. Maybe it doesn't work out for everyone, but it does work out okay in the end.

"I will love you forever. Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours."
- Mr. Big

At the beginning of Carrie's relationship with Big, I thought he was the kind of man who didn't know anything about love. Until this. He just struck me as someone who just jerks around. And I have met men like him a couple of times.

Carrie's gotten her happy ending. Would it be so bad to wish for a SATC ending like Carrie's? I mean after all the pain we all go through, with life, or with relationships, are happy endings just for movies? At one point can everyone get theirs?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


OMG! I am so stressed out.

The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was gonna do my midterms for ISCAHM. Which by the way I ended up acing. HEHE.

I am so stressed that I am either throwing up or well, you know. And I haven't been able to finish my meals. Not even a freakin' grilled cheese sandwich. And I don't even eat much anymore.

I sleep late and wake up at 6 AM every time. Even if slept at 2 AM. Argh. It all started at the beginning of the week.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Before I Met You.

Do you remember my Prince letters? I found a song that tells my love story.

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe


I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

Was it the same way for you too? :)


Today, I thought about love alot. What is it? Do we really understand what it means?

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."
- Peter Ustinov

"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."
- Erich Fromm

So, this is why we always want to have someone to love us. That we are all lost souls in this universe seeking out for our one true mate.

"In the final analysis, love is the only reflection of man's worth."
- Bill Wundram, Iowa Quad Cities Times

I wonder if St. Peter, will ask us if we ever really loved anyone unconditionally when we are at heaven's gates.

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."
- Elizabeth Browning

I agree. Totally.

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen

Yup, right down here!

And my favorite of from the Bible.

Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. (NIV)

Proverbs 17:9
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends. (NLT)

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV)

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV)

Ephesians 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (NIV)

I know you're wondering why right? I have fallen a few times only to bruise myself and each fall, I have survived. I have become cynical and embittered by past experiences in loving someone. Until I came to terms that seeking out love is not how it works. So I let it be, instead I started to dream and hope for my Prince. And someone came. And I made a choice to love him. I made a choice for him to my Prince.

Things haven't been perfect, sometimes, they were hard. But my heart tells me not to give up. My heart tells me only to love him more. After all, love shouldn't end. Because it is not love when it ends. So a love story is not a love story if it has an ending. This is the reason why most fairy tales end with a happily ever after...

Friday, June 20, 2008


This song sums up all that I feel at this very moment, and the last couple of days...

Do I still have one?
I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

It's called a Yo-yo.

Im a yo-yo. My emotions are up and down, up and down.

I miss my bubu. - I miss his love letters, his text messages and his calls.

I hope I'll see him very soon.

I wish I'd be there for his birthday.

I wish I'd be the one he saw whenever he looked at someone's way...

Quick To Panic.

Panicky again.

Its hard when you're 25, nothing in the bank to your name, no property to your name. I mean like me, I want to buy a condo unit back home. God knows why because I also want to migrate but I just want one. And I dont know why. Some people have it easy they have parents who are rich enough to buy the condo for them.

There are some like me who have to earn their way to some things. Its weird that my friends and better half say I'm a brat. So basically now I am panicking because I'm leaving a safety net. When I go back, I'll go back to my mom's house and live with her nagging and ratatat.

At least my dog will be there. I miss him so much! But I miss his daddy more! HAHA

Monday, June 16, 2008

I had a good start. I dont know why I pushed it. Now, it's downhill.

I went to church, and I just felt like its the safest place in the world.

No one will judge me, I can silently cry out in anguish and I know I will be heard.

I know things will get better. I read somewhere that in the end, everything will be okay. If it's not, then it's not the end.

Saturday, June 14, 2008


How do you know if a person loves you?

Is it how much he tells you? Or how much he remembers to text you?

Why is it that we know God loves us?

But not know if a person really does?

How do you tell a frantic heart to not worry?

How do you know when to face facts or just continue living a lie?

How do you know when you're being decieved or when you are not?

How do you know when to stop and let it all go?

How do you know when to keep fighting?

Are these questions just here because you're not here beside me?

Will it be different if you were?

Monday, June 09, 2008 usual.

I was just talking to my aunt. The usual sermon. You know, when she gets worked up she can go on and on. I don't blame her, all the pent up frustration. I can see where she wants me to go. And I want to get there too. But accepting her help sometimes mean that I have to give up my life, and live it the way she wants me to.


Sunday, June 08, 2008


I was reading my previous entry...

I remembered when we dropped Bill off where he stays (Solheim, its a lutheran home which has two different areas, they have an area for oldies who can still manage to be left alone and a separate area for oldies who had clinical problems, trauma, Alzheimer's etc.) Anyway, Bill repeated to me that my aunt and uncle is working out a way for Dorothy and him to be able to live together in the home. He said it to me over and over like a broken record "Soon, Dorothy and I will be together, they're working everything out."

It's sad because he doesn't realize that it won't happen. Dorothy still has a healthy mind and if she stayed there shes going to be assigned to a different area. I hope that my aunt and uncle does work something out.

I kinda feel this way right now...

I miss you.

Monday, June 02, 2008


"I dont care what people say, I had a beautiful life."
- Dorothy Faubion

I don't know why, it seemed like she told me out of the blue because I needed to hear it. It's amazing to hear her say it. She's very old, probably about 80-early 90's. Her husband, Bill was diagnosed of Alzheimer's about 2 years ago and since then they have been living separately. I listened to their stories and their jokes. And it was very endearing. It makes me think about my life. I pray that when I come to her age, I can look back and say "I had a beautiful life."

A life lived with fruitfully with my husband and our children. And even if I would sometimes forget our memories, like Dorothy, I would look at our family, I would say, "I dont care what people say, I had very beautiful life!"

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Im tired of acting like I got it together.

Im tired to convincing myself that everything is okay.

Im tired. I want to stop and take a breather.