Sunday, January 20, 2008

The Joys And PAINS Of A (Fuckin') Long Distance Relationship.

Whoever said that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is seriously demented. He clearly wasnt in a long distance relationship. I doubt he was ever in one. He doesn't know the paranoia, the sleepless nights spent crying, the longing and missing. That person sucks. It doesn't help that my guy doesnt text me often rather just texts me when it's convenient for him to do so. Or worse, when he needs something from me.

But there are those times that's just so nice. He calls you and send you sweet messages (when he remembers). You feel good about everything. And it should be that way all the time because these are the things that really sustain the relationship. It's an endless rollercoaster ride of emotions. But it's never thrilling nor exciting but tiring for a weary heart.

I dont want to beg to be loved anymore. I've done that before, one time too many. I dont deserve to have to beg. I know I deserve to be loved in some way. Because I've loved with all that I am. I have given all that I can give.

I dont want to wait anymore. I'm just through with it. Phone calls, text messages, emails. I am waiting for nothing. I want to move on and not ever look back. Maybe those stupid promises dont mean anything. To make a girl wait is not right. Chivalry is dead. Everything is reversed. Girls go to their boyfriend's houses, we wait for them to pick us up, WE pick them up, buy them things. What happened? Have we become so desperate to keep them? It's our fault. We let them do this to us.

I dont want to think about him kissing another girl. Holding that girl's hand. I hate to think he's sleeping beside her. When it should be me he's doing all of those things with. I guess all of these choices are up to him.

I want some peace of mind. Stability. I want to know if this can work or not without anymore pain. I want to be asked how I am feeling, doing or if I was happy. I want a Valentine's card. I want to mean more than anything to him. I just want to be loved. Even if I am miles away and several hours late. I want to feel like I still belonged to him and that I never left. I want to move on from the confusion, the heartache and the uncertainty. It has to stop. My heart just can't take it anymore.

If he loved me he'd call me just to say he did, not when he wants something. If he loved me he'd have already sent those emails that he said he'd send, because he knew I have been waiting. If he really wanted to chat with me he'd wait everyday for me to come online If he loved me he'd send me messages every now and then to let me know I am remembered. And if he truly loved me, he would come here, to be with me.

Today, for the first time since I came here I sincerely prayed I could stay. I can't help but feel that there's truly nothing for me back home. Not anymore...

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Waaaangggg, waaaaaannnggg!!!!

The had a party a couple of nights ago and the police ended up knocking on their door because they were too loud. It's a good thing I opted not to go to the party. I had a good reason why, I was too busy moping about Francis and our relationship. Who knew something like that can save my ass from trouble?!

Some party huh?!

I am looking forward to paying my credit card. No, not really but I have to!!! *grumble* I wonder if I have to pay for my own tickets to LA. I am charging to my account. I have to ask my aunt about that. Because I cant really afford it. I have to send money to my mom. Her birthday is coming up.

I went to church today. Yes, an actual catholic church. Felt good. It's probably the reason of all my anxeity problems. I havent been going to church. I promise to go every Sunday from now on.
I bought myself a new wallet (again!). It's $45.00 plus tax but when I was paying for it the cashier gave me a 50% discount because there was no tag on it. I literally jumped for joy. And she laughed at my excitement. HAHAHA Will take pictures of my much loved wallet.

So now, I'm broke I had $10 in wallet this morning and took 2 out for fare and 1 out for donuts! HAHAHA But I get paid this week. And I am mucho dinero baby! Well, sort of.

Come è a tutti?

As for me? Molto bene! (Some stuff I'm learning from the crazy Italian cook, Silvio!)

Véale pronto!

Saturday, January 05, 2008


First off I hate Francis for breaking promises left and right. It's not right. I mean if he cant keep all these little promises he's breaking, what about the promise to love me till he breathe his last breath? DUH.

Second, I hate the Filipino guys here who think they're all that. And insists on wanting to be with you even if you tell them you already have someone, and even if they themselves are already married. They cant fuckin' respect their wives and the families they left behind.

Third, Manel. She knows why.

Fourth, mga putanginang babaeng add ng add kay Francis sa friendster.

Fifth, $8.12 na withholding tax? How much will I be owning the state? Bleeeeurghh!!!!

Porcini rubbed Filet Mignon which will go with my broccoli perfectly! Woot!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Things I WANT To Buy BUT Cant Afford YET.

Nikon D80
Nikon D300
Nikon Coolpix P5100
Sony DSC-H9/B
And a pink camera that lets me isolate colors. HEHE Dont know which one yet.

HP dv6700t customized
Fujitsu N6460
Fujitsu T2010 tablet
Toshiba Qosmio 6455
Dell XPS M1330
Dell Inspiron 1420 Pink
Mac BookPro
Mac Pro
--Just because everyone wants one! HAHA

Honda Accord Coupe
Honda Pilot
Mazda Hatchback
Mazda RX-8
Isuzu Ascender
Nissan 350z roadster
BMW X-3 - for the days I like to feel small. HEHE
Mini Cooper - Pink! Weee! I like this because Francis likes small cars but I'm not sure he will want to drive a pink mini. HEHE

Sony 4.0 MP handycam
Samsung SGH z240
iPod Touch
iPod Classic 60GB
Kitchen Aide with ice cream maker attachment

Because Francis told me to think of nice things! Arent they nice? SWEEEET!!!!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

New Year In The Van.

Guess where I spent the turn of another year? Yes, in a van. I was going home from work. I am tired. I can feel my back, my hands and my legs ache. More over, I feel weak from the loneliness that I feel. The emptiness that sets in whenever I think about home.

I think sometimes he is starting to forget me. The phone calls have become less, the text messages have also become less. I think in a way he's coping very well with my absence. I do not wish to think about things having to be this way. I do not wish to attract the negative energy and bring it into our relationship. But everyone knows that all love stories are somehow painful.

Sometimes I'd think about letting go because its the easiest way for both of us, but I love him very much, and just the thought of losing him is already enough to reduce me to tears. I do not want to lose the "us". I want "us" to work. In some parallel universe maybe we are together.