Saturday, August 30, 2008

Ying Yang.

My boyfriend has a habit of getting mad at me when I become negative. Don't get me wrong, I always try to be positive about things, and I have always been good at it. Wasn't it me who smiled through a horrible break up with a lying ex boyfriend? Wasn't it me who laughed my heart out even when things seemed bad? See? Positive.

Thing is, I wonder how positive he is. I mean, he always saw what was wrong with me? Does he ever see the good things I do? Does he even recognize them? Because as far as I can remember he always pointed out whats wrong with me. He never tells me why he fell in love with me? Why he still loves me. He doesn't. But he always tells me why he wonders why he even bother. You know what I mean?

Who's negative now?

Thursday, August 28, 2008


I have internet problems...but I can blog! I can access my google accounts but other websites I cant. This sucks!

Monday, August 25, 2008


Sometimes, I wonder how life will turn out for me. I can't wait to see how great my future will be, but at the same time there is fear in me that's scared to find out that it is nothing like how I imagined it will be.

I am amazed at myself sometimes.

You know that feeling after having argued with someone, you are so mad or sad that you turn them away. But all you really want them to do is to stay. I'm like that. Sometimes, I would want him to take my hand or kiss the tears away. Or in our case, say something that will make everything right again, but sometimes he's too hard to break. So he doesn't but I wait. It doesn't erase the fact that I love him. So I just keep waiting.

I saw Lie With Me. Didnt really understand most of it. It was bordering soft porn. It was interesting though but kinda messed up.

Im trying to run away from someone who has been following me around like a sick puppy. Oh no, puppies are cute. Like a bad case of skin fungi then.

I dont like my schedule for this week.

Turks and near yet so far.

Friday, August 22, 2008

If You're Not The One.

By Daniel Bedingfield

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And know I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Friday, August 15, 2008

A Keeper.

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery why it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why love grows and a mystery why some love fails. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons, causes, but you will never do more than take the life out of the experience. Just as life itself is more than the sum of the interest and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes at its one time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its many ways.

Sometimes, hopefully, at least once in your life, the gift of love will come to you in full flower, and you will take hold of it, celebrate it in all of its inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on. When this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves aways. When they fall out of love, or when the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to claim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on. They want answers when there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong with them that makes the other person no longer love them, or they try to get their love to change, thinking that if some small things are different, love will bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if they go away and start a new life together, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what has happened. But there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in the sea of misery. You need to treat what it brings to you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. LOVE JUST DOESN'T CHOOSE TO REST IN THE OTHER PERSON'S HEART.

If you find someone else in love with you, and you didn't love him back, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OR CAUSE PAIN. How you deal with love is how love deals with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys even if our love and ways are diffirent. If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or assess blame. LET IT GO. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time. Remember that you don't choose love, LOVE CHOOSES YOU.

All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts with empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to see love as something that flows to them rather than from them. The first blush of love is filled to overwflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead becomes someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has it's own time, its own season, and it's reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives, and give it away when it comes to you. But when it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing we can do and there is nothing we should do. Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad it came to live for a moment. Keep your heart open, IT WILL COME AGAIN.
Just flitting thru stuff...

I remember my besty recited this to me over the phone one night. I thought he wrote it. I asked him to fax me a copy. (Di pa uso email nun!)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dear John

Have you ever opened a book expecting a good story? You read it, at first it seemed to drag on for a couple of pages, and then at every turn of the page you realize, that the story, is somehow yours.

I picked up a book at CVS Pharmacy (for lack of other shopping places to look at). I chose it because it was written by Nicholas Sparks. It was a sure good read. And it is. But I realized in its pages I found my own love story, sort of.

There were parts where the feeling was so famillar to me. When John described the first time he met Savanah like he was drawn to her. And he realized he was falling in love with her even in the short time they were together. The feeling when he left because he had to go back to work. The feeling of desperation in trying to keep them together.

I knew all of it. I knew because I felt it. I know because I am still feeling all of it.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Indecent Proposal.

If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with.
- Diana Murphy

He let me go. He let me go after my dreams. And in a couple of months, I'll be back home. To him, I hope. I really hope.

I thought we were invincible. But now I know that the things that people in love do to each other, they remember. And if they stay together, it's not because they forget. It's because they forgive.

- David Murphy

I think I got the courage to leave because I thought that he really meant it when he said that he wanted me to go after my dreams. And I had so much faith in us that we were going to make it. He said he's changed. And I believe that people change, when they want to. I had faith that people can change for love and for themselves.

In the past year, we've been through a lot. Our relationship has had the highest of highs and the lowest of the low. Just these past couple of months we hit the lowest I can imagine. But I want us to rise up admist all of these. I want to come home and see him again. And this time we'll talk about our plans, this time we will be more than lovers, we will be friends. We wont waste time staring into nothing but instead we'll spend time holding each other's hands, making wishes, painting our future with our dreams and talking.

Yes, it was silly to think that absolutely nothing can shake us, what we are and what we have. The things I felt for him were so strong, it swept me away to a different world. Our feelings felt so strong, and maybe you think I was assuming too much but I felt it in the way he looked at me, the way he would touch me and the way he would hold me in his arms. I wanted to believe that God gave me him and therefore everything will be beautiful. I forgot that I am still alive, and living is not complete without the uncertainties, pain, and adversity. I guess for the most part I am scared that the same thing that has happened to me before will happen to me yet again.

I hope that my love story is different this time. That the fairytale has ended such as that my Prince promised, but it doesn't mean that it won't be a happily ever after.