Friday, December 24, 2010

Day Dreams.

Right now, I'm always dreaming about going back to school. Taking up Pastry Arts at FCI in NY. And then jetting off to Japan for some authentic sushi making classes and then finally ending up in Singapore for some Asian cooking classes. I just checked out the school in Singapore that I was looking at way back and it seems things have changed. So now, I don't know where to go! HAHA

See, I read somewhere that if you can imagine it, it already exists and the universe will conspire in making it happen for you!!! So, I am imagining this:

1. I will study pastry arts at the French Culinary Institute.
2. I will study Sushi making in Japan, along with Japanese cuisine.
3. I will study Asian cuisine in Singapore.

:) :) :)

Monday, December 20, 2010

2010 Christmas Wishlist.

It's a little late this year, goes.

1. Spend Christmas with Rey.
2. Win the lottery jackpot.
3. Xbox Console, Kinect with Dance Central game.
4. To be able to fix paperwork so I can stay in one place.
5. Pay off debts. (Related to #2)

Relatively short. That's all thanks!

Monday, November 29, 2010

New Year's Resolution

So it's almost the new year again! I only have one new year's resolution. Lose weight, AND FUCKIN' keep it off!!!

I'm sick and tired of gaining and losing weight. And watching bits and pieces of shows like, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (cutting girls out because the gained weight), Bridaplasty (Future brides wanting surgery before they get married so they can look perfect on their wedding day) and whatever else is out there.


Nextweek: Christmas wishlist.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


Sometimes when I talk to you, I feel so happy. All the feelings I had for you back then stat to flood back and I remember everything I felt when I fell in love with you.


There are also nights like this, when the pain starts to swell again. And then I feel like, I don't want to be in this with you anymore.

I can't make up my mind about us.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Fuck, I give up.

Again for the nth time today I am browsing thru your profile. Looking at all the things that changed since you decided to cut me off. Something that you have denied to this day. But the truth is, I do not know why you can't see it. You did cut me off.

A few weeks ago you said that you put everything back. But we cant go back to how it used to be. We can't. No matter how hard you check, no matter how many times you do it, there is no denying our problems. There is no denying that what we once had is now broken. And there is no turning back. It doesn't matter if you put every single piece back in places, its never the same when it was whole. It will never EVER be the same again. It cannot be whole again. We cannot be whole again.

I'm sorry. So. Fuck this, I give up.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


April 2009 - Ate's (me) despedida at Metrowalk.

December 2008 - At the house.

October 2005 - Likes to lie on my bed too!

July 2004 - Looking good, baby!

June 2004 - Happy pirate eye!

I do not really remember when I got Diego. All I know is that at that time I got him, I was looking for a dog. I was gonna get a Pomeranian, but my best friend asked me if it was possible for me to adopt him. He needed some love.

I hope he knows even if I didn't have enough patience to walk him all the time or bathe him or hand feed him like my mom does. But I cuddle with him all the time! And I annoy him all the time. HAHA The best thing about him is he knows just when to approach you. I once almost had a meltdown during my thesis and he went up to me and started to nuzzle and lick my face and it calmed me down. And he's the first to the gate to greet you and races to you to say hi.

Smart dog. (He knows when we're just playing him along making him go back and forth.)

Loving dog.

He's like the brother I never had. I will surely surely miss this baby. I know I can never have another Diego in my lifetime.

Thank you Diego. You made me happy. Your original owner missed out on you. :)

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Lost, searching

Looking for something

Finding nothing

Lost, find me

but don't lose yourself

Thursday, June 24, 2010


I wanna go to the beach.

My days are wasted waiting for you.

So maybe tomorrow, I will not wait.

Tomorrow I'll be gone.

Friday, June 18, 2010

i like the fact that i have a little secret with two of my very best friends. :) hihi

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I just wanted to share:

1. Love is not when you are only happy, Love actually happens when your ship is being rocked.

2. Love is not when you are strongest, Love actually happens when you are at your weakest.

3. Love is not in the sweetness, Love actually happens when how long can you bear your partner at his worst.

4. Love is accepting your partner for who he is, and loving him for what he can give, even though if there are others way better than him.

Sabi ng bestfriend ng ex-partner ko sa kanya "There will always be someone better than your current partner, but true love is tested kung papaano mo ipaglalaban ang partner mo sa sarili mo."

Dont be a b*tch TS, kung mahal mo partner mo, paglaban mo siya, BS yung LOVE yung nararamdaman mo sa fling mo. Don't give us that BS.

From pexer: gymrat28

Sunday, June 13, 2010

It's gloomy and cloudy.

I'm gloomy and moody.


Thursday, June 03, 2010

Sometimes, being selfish is survival.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Un-straightening Up.

So, I'm starting to enjoy looking at girls.

I just...find myself staring at them! It's insane.

I guess this is what asshole boyfriends do to you? Haha

The barista today was really pretty. :)

Monday, May 24, 2010

P-town = Love.

I found love in Provincetown.


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Old Habits.

I'm falling back into a dreaded routine.

Work, sleep, maybe eat, sleep.

Its like sleep is the cure to all my heartaches.

Its about that time 2 years ago.

Yes, its about that time.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I always find something about you that makes doubt you, than trust you.

Gut feel? Paranoia?

But it's not really just a stupid "feeling". I actually see things written down somewhere, of you breaking a promise. Or of you turning back on your word.

Or maybe it's just the truth trying to shake me out of a stupor that's even worse than a whole night of drinking tequila and vodka.

Or maybe it's divine intervention.

You shouldn't really wonder why I think you're just like them.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Already Gone.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

...Almost there. :)

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Sand between my toes
Vast night sky
Stars twinkling

Burst of laughter
Excited chatter
Drunken stupor

Random kissing, watch
Bear hug amongst friends
We're leaving in the end

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Just waiting for you to miss me.

Just waiting for you to look for me.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Forgive and Forget.

I saw a cousin's FB status about forgiving and forgetting. He said something about forgiving and forgetting and about how if one forgives one must also forget.

I don't really know how it works. As far as relationships goes, I've forgiven the people who hurt me but I haven't forgotten the things they did to me.

Forgetting seems to be an absurd idea. Except when you have Alzheimer's or dementia. But sometimes I want to forget just so it's easier to move on.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Stay Or Go.

Have you ever watch the movie about the man who married an alien? There was a song there where they were singin' stay or go. I am in the exact same predicament. Fuck. I never thought it would come to this. Especially with Rey. Can you believe? I thought I was done with all these feelings but they are back. And I feel it towards Rey. REY. The one I gave my heart to. Broken and tattered that it was. I gave him my heart. Trusting him that he will not break it.

I'm broken...into pieces that was already broken in the first place. I never knew the exact same pieces can be broken again. I am rambling in this minute space...wondering if he reads this. Did you know that some people I didn't expect to be reading this still reads this? But the person who I hope would pay more attention probably doesn't.

My head is spinning either from alcohol or these thoughts. Everyday, I spend trying to get rid of the thoughts already in my head. Of the things I know and don't know but everyday I seem to fail. Everyday I wake up praying. Everyday I wake up with one thought in trust him. But everyday...he fails me. At the end of the day all is left, are the messages I read, the hurtful things he's said to me, the way he treats me compared to the way he treats his friends.

Everyday, I brace myself for the big blow. The one which can shatter my dreams or make them. Everyday...I prepare myself for whatever is out there. I don't know how I am surviving but I am...somehow, someway.

Friday, April 09, 2010

After The Love Has Gone.

For awhile to love was all we could do
we were young and we knew
and our eyes were alive
Deep inside we knew our love was true
For awhile we paid no mind to the past
we knew love would last
Ev'ry night somethin' right
would invite us to begin the dance

Somethin' happened along the way
what used to be happy was sad
Somethin' happened along the way
and yesterday was all we had
And oh after the love has gone
how could you lead me on
and not let me stay around
Oh oh oh afterthe love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

For awhile to love each other with all
we would ever need
Love was strong for so long
never knew that what was
wrong oh

wasn't right
We tried to find what we had
till sadness was all we shared
We were scared this affair would lead our love into
Somethin' happened along the way
yesterday was all we had
Somethin' happened along the way
what used to be happy is sad

Somethin' happened along the way
oh yesterday was all we had
And oh after the love has gone
how could you lead me on
and not let me stay around
Oh oh oh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

Oh oh oh oh oh oh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Oh woh woh
Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

Woh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Woh woh woh

Thursday, April 08, 2010


Yuengling. It's a good beer.

7 ft beach towel, can you believe it?!

I can't find the bathing suit I want. Fuck it.

Bumped into John at TJ Maxx.

Two adventures cancelled. Dammit.

Captain Hiram? Where art thou?

Brazilian boy is funny as shit.

Zacky-poo leaving at the end of the week. (I will miss you, baby boy!)

Five more weeks.

Done. Done. Done.

Friday, April 02, 2010


It's spring again. It will be almost a year since I came back here in the US to be with him. One year. And I only got to spend time with him thrice since. And now...I don't know how to be with him. How to get past these issues we have. I just don't.

One year of enduring the loneliness of being alone, being away from my friends, working a job that though I love, with the conditions of my visa, doesn't allow me to grow in the profession. All this for him, for our dreams and for the future we promised each other. what?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Thank You.

I want to say Thank You to...

- Some surprise people. I wont mention your names here but I want you to know I am thankful for your moral support and for cheering me up.

- Two old loves.

Popo -- you have always, ALWAYS been there for me. I cannot stress enough how much I value our friendship. So it's true in some weird way...kahit anong mangyari. :) Thank you!

Francis -- You know me in a different way. Thank you for your words of encouragement. And thank you for always making me see that I can have the best. You still owe me though. But it doesn't mean you haven't helped me by telling me the truth when I asked for it.

- April -- your wisdom amazes me. I wish when you encounter these problems you would practice what you preach. Thank you for everything.

- Antonette -- tough love. Thank you.

- Kevin -- another tough love. But thank you. I miss you. I hope to see you soon. :)

- Manel -- MIA. But the time you were not. Thank you.

- Sital and Niko - for keeping me company during those nights I can't stand to be alone.

- Jaime, Zacky, Mikey, Anthony, Dave, Rachel, Regina, Reddis, Russ -- for the concern and for making me laugh. You guys are the best people I have had the pleasure of working with so far. :) Thank you, thank you.

- And you, yeah you. Rey -- I don't know what to do with you. You hurt me so much. But I still would like to thank you...for everything.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I just want to be free from pain. I want to forget all the painful things I read and saw and continue living. I know I love him. My heart bleeds just thinking about him this way that I do. Whenever I think about him, I still think about that guy I first fell in love with. And I try to connect him to the guy I am with now. And they are so different. He must feel the same way. I know I am not the same person he first fell in love with.

I just want to be free from pain. I want him in my life. But I can't have him if I think of him this way. He's my savior. I have this pure, clean image of him in my head. And now it's not like that anymore.

I just want to be free from pain...especially this kind of pain.

That's all.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Saving Myself.

My name is Rica, and I am 27 years old. And unfortunately, here I am again...nothing's changed. I made the same mistakes in my life, like I didn't learn anything at all. And now, I am trying to correct that. Do you know what I am really looking for in this world? LOVE. True love.

Someone to love and someone to love me. Something that is constant. Something that stays, not just something that fades and goes away. I've been in three life changing relationships. Each one had their own joys and fond memories. But the pain each one cost is the same. All of those three times, I included them in my plans. And finally, this last one -- I completely changed my life plans for him.

I wonder why the men I loved/love cannot go the extra mile? Why can't they show me that what they are saying is true? That all of their promises mean something? Why is it so hard for them to do it? Why is it so hard for HIM to do it? Now, right now, is when I need it most. Everyday my faith in him chips off. Everyday I can feel myself putting another layer on the wall in between us.

It's always my fault. I changed, I did this, I did that. I. I. I. I. I'm the evil one. It never occurred to you that maybe this is me, asking you to show me that there is real love. That true love exists. Because, once I believed and I got my heart broken. And then now I believed and I got my heart broken again.

I want to save myself. I want to save myself from anymore heartaches. Spin a protective hard shell over me once again, and make sure no one ever gets in. No one ever gets close enough to hurt me. How do you protect yourself from the one you love? So he can't hurt you anymore? So he can say every single bad thing about you and you don't feel anything? How?

I have to save myself from this. I have to save myself from him.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Love, Trust, Lies.

Love is something we all want. Everyone wants to love and be loved. We all seek it. It was the fall of 2008. I was going home. I just got out of a bad relationship too. I met someone. And I thought he was perfect. We connected in such a way that I have never connected to anyone. We had alot in common. We have the same wavelength of thinking. It's a bit of a surprise. His name is Rey. And I loved him dearly. Perhaps, I wasn't the best girlfriend he's had. I am good when I'm good. But I am also a bitch when I'm a bitch. The past months were hard. Everyday is a struggle for us to get through. There are times when I wondered what I was doing there, why was I allowing these things to happen to me. The answer is Love. I love him. That is why even when he doesn't show me he loves me as much as before, I stayed. Even when it was painful, I stayed. I waited. I am still waiting. I do not not for what though.

Trust is something that is hard to give. Most people have to earn it. It takes years and years to build this foundation. It wasn't hard for me to trust him. I do not know why. I guess, it's because I am a very trusting person. I usually trust everyone first and when they do something that breaks that trust, everything changes.

I feel betrayed. Right now, I feel very betrayed. And he's not doing anything to make it right. If you love someone, proving to him/her that you love her is easy. It's a no-brainer. Even when you are mad, even when you say you are tired. You love her/him! You would do anything not to hurt him/her. ANYTHING.

Lies -- EVERYBODY lies. I have been lying to myself. I have been convincing myself that that you still love me because you tell me. I feel it sometimes.

I just don't understand why you are allowing this to happen to me, if you love me. Why can't you just be true to yourself? So you can be true to me.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

That's What She Said...AGAIN.

Backstreet Boys

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

there are people who say what you wanna hear
even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear
when you really really love someone am i right
when i say that you want them near
and if you care you even tell them things
that they wanna hear

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
the simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said she said yeah

there are people
who say what they really mean
she said she'd always be there
she said she'd always care
but jsut when you think that you can trust that someone you love
tell me why do you know how stars can fall from above

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh ohho yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be togethter
thats what she said she said

cause you made promises that you couldn't keep (ooo)
but you're not hurting yourself
you're only hurting me
why would you say things that you really didn't mean
oh how can i make you see just what you did to me

ooh you said how much you really care
just when i thought i was in love
girl how could you care
if i were you i could not lie even once to the face of the one
that i love so much

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had.
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we're see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be together.
oh thats what she said.

--- I love this song. It does not necessarily make me smile when I remember, but it soothes me some way.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I'm done.

I'm all out.

I need to get fished out of this ditch.


Sunday, March 07, 2010

Spot The Difference.

What's the difference when his friend says (not verbatim) "It should end. You don't have to end it badly but it should end." And my friend saying "Leave him."

The way I see it, it only means one thing. They think this relationship should end. BUT, of course because him and his friends are the immaculate ones - therefore they are not judgmental, my friend is judgmental.

So I asked another friend of mine, without explaining fully the situation, just asking him what he thought was the difference between the statements and he told me that they are both judgmental. They are both judging the relationship. He also said that the first statement which sounded nicer could be more judgmental, if you think about it, but is trying not to be judgmental.

The difference is this, for him his friend is the better friend because she is not judgmental as she appears to be. And my friend he thinks ill of because he's judgmental.

What kind of a fucked up world do I live in?

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Old Symptoms.

I remember in the summer of 2008, at the height of all the stress I was feeling, I was getting sick. And now it's back, like my headaches, the diarrhea, the nausea. I wish it was just a bad hangover. But the truth is I didn't have a single drink last night. I just remember crying myself to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, I had a headache. And now it's slowly slipping to the back of my head. It's not so bad. It doesn't prevent me from doing my job, it's not as bothersome but it is irritating. Like an itch I cant scratch. It's just my emotional distress have become so great it's starting to manifest itself physically.

Old symptoms. It's all the same things, over and over. My head is spinning because I am going in circles. I am just caught in this spinning vortex of lies, truths and make believe. Three years on a roller coaster. I really really need to get off.


Wednesday, March 03, 2010


"The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they're right if you love to be with them all of the time."
- Julia Child

Aray naman diba? :P

Thursday, February 25, 2010

This just in.

Nagpapakabobo lang po. All over again.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I just realized I have one thing from Valentine's Day.

A heart sticker from Mama Jo. So I took a picture of it as a remembrance.

My friends at work asked me why it was still on my hat and it's been a week already. And I told them that it was the only thing I got for Valentine's Day. This sticker and a heart shaped bonbon with the inscription "Soulmate" that Jaime gave me. And I already ate that.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

You don't care that we're slowly losing each other.

I asked you once, what would you do if I couldn't keep up and you said, you'll cross the bridge when you get there.

But now I see that you don't care.

So why should I?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Here's, What's For Valentine's Day.

Questions, pondering, endless...random...again, endless...

I check out your profile, and I see endless comments here and there, something pops out and makes my heart ache. Like a stab. A pang of pain, something physical I can't explain.

What do I do now? Now that things weren't as clear, as say some 6 months ago? I can't believe I would ever feel this way towards you. YOU, I didn't expect to feel this way towards you. You were the only thing/person that was constant for me...until now.

But you don't care do you. You say you're sorry but I don't even feel a hint of sympathy in your voice. It's like you're saying it just so I would feel better.

Why do I still love you? If I was in a better state of mind and heart, I would've just left. But I can't. I won't. I just wont give it up even if it's already killing me.

I hate you for hurting me this way. And I hate myself for letting you.

I was watching Le Divorce the other day and Roxy said "...I didn't realize that when you really love...there's no freedom at all. Except to die." It's true.

I just want this to be over and done with. I want to give my heart a rest. It's been so battered and broken. It has to rest. It has to heal. Being with you healed me, for awhile, but then you broke me all over again.

Happy Venereal disease Day! :P

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Dating Tips: 5 Signs You're Headed Toward a Breakup

By dating coach David Wygant
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where the frustration level and the number of times you butt heads with each other seems to increase by the second? You say blue, she says red, and the fights just seem to be going in circles.

If the answer is yes, then you may be at what I call "the breakup point." Here are five signs that your relationship may be past the point of fixing. Whether you are living together, married, or just dating, these breakup signs are usually loud and clear.

1. You stop relationship-building behaviors. In the honeymoon stage of a relationship, which we all know is the first 90 days of pure bliss, you are learning about each other and making efforts to create romantic moods and nice evenings. When you're in that stage, you are really working at building your relationship. Then, at some point, you start to butt heads with each other. Critical relationship elements deteriorate. Maybe you stop kissing each other goodbye or stop texting each other during the day. Instead of adding things to the relationship, you start to resent each other like two five-year-olds who stop sharing their crayons. This is a breakup point.

2. You don't understand each other anymore. The fighting escalates to a place where you no longer feel like you're understood by your partner. Physical intimacy stops, communication stops, and you are living like roommates. You're at the point in the relationship where you are trying to understand each other, but you get so frustrated because you feel like you just don't understand each other anymore. This is a breakup point.

3. You start punishing each other. When you get to the point of no longer understanding each other, what happens is that you end up just kind of coexisting in the new dynamic. Resentment builds and you get in your head too much. You are no longer about feelings, and you start punishing each other. "Well, he hasn't done this for me, so I'm not going to do this for him" are the kind of thoughts that take root. The longer you stay in that dynamic and the further away you get from the dynamic you had during the early part of the relationship, the less likely it is that you'll ever get it back (and, after a point, you won't). You have hit the breakup point.

4. You fight less. When you get to the breakup point, you actually fight less with your partner. You fight less because in your mind and heart you start detaching yourself from the other person, and you don't care as much anymore. You have already made a determination that they don't understand you, that they will never understand you, and that the relationship just won't work out. The minute you get into a fight, you just walk away from it. That is a sure sign that you are at the breakup point.

5. You've taken the time to think it through. When you think you might have hit that breakup point, you must tell the person that you're disconnecting from them. You need to be honest and raw. If you don't think the relationship is going to work, or you know you've already disconnected based on how things have been going, then you might want to consider walking away for a week. When you're in the thick of things, they never seem to be able to work out.

So take a break. Spend a week without your partner. Take the week to ask yourself some questions. Go visit some friends or family. Really think about what life would be like without that person. How would you feel? Then, go back and either take a stand for the relationship or break up.

Whichever decision you make, you need to be honest with yourself. Life is too short! There are a lot of wonderful, amazing people out there ready to meet you.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Meant To Be?

I don't know how many "Meant To Be?" entries I might already have but this is the question that likes to pop up in my head from time to time. So, I was talking to my mom last night, she asked me to call her because two of my college friends were at the house at the request of my aunt. They were going to talk about some projects she might have for one of them.

Let me give you some history. These two people dated for four years in college. They were like one of those sweetest college sweethearts then. I liked them together. But towards our last year, they broke up. they moved in the same circle of friends and managed to remain friends after their break up. As far as I know, the girl remained pretty much still in love with the guy for a while after the break up. After graduating, we all went our separate ways -- keeping in touch of course. They both started dating other people and remained great friends.

Now, my mom thinks they're back together. When I asked them they didn't say no, BUT they didn't exactly say yes. Guy said "We'll see how it goes." Girl said "I'm not denying or confirming anything." But it pretty much looks like they're getting to know each other again. They may or may not get back together -- that I am not sure yet. But they seem to be taking steps towards getting back together.

So maybe, just maybe they are meant to be together. Isn't life sweet to be given another shot at loving someone you used to love or has continued to love? I am not saying that I am missing an old boyfriend of mine or maybe I am still in love with them. NO. Nothing like that. If anything, I am missing my boyfriend, Rey. Our relationship may be having a tough time right now, and it may not seem like the most ideal one to be in. But I don't want to wait for us to separate to find out if we were meant to be. I want us to stay together and know that we are meant to be.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. Its like we're scared to lose what we dont have. Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, having it half-way is harder than not having at all.
I agree. I know I read this somewhere and had to look through dozens of old entries to find it. I was working this afternoon and I remembered this quote.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Isang malaking kalokohan. UGH.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


In my search for answers why these things happen to me, I realized that people cheat because they are not satisfied. And because they aren't satisfied, they try to find whatever they are missing from other people. Instead of helping their partners find a way to satisfy them they turn to others.

But not everyone does that. I don't do that. I am not saying I'm a saint and I have never cheated before. I have, but I had different reasons for doing so. What I am saying is that, even when I am dissatisfied with my partner, I don't go looking for what I am missing in others. I try to find a way to get my partner to satisfy me. Maybe I have a different approach on things like I whine to them a lot or give them attitude, but at least I am not out getting to know guys looking for that something my partner lacks.

It's just amazing. I am dumbfounded.

Imaginary Conversations.

Me: Can we not say we're "married" on FB anymore?
Him: Why?
Me: Coz it's not real anymore.


Sunday, January 17, 2010


A gentleman at church nudged me on the way out. He told me "Smile, it's a beautiful day out." It's true. It rained at around 6 AM my time and the clouds were heavy when I walked to church but somehow in that hour long mass the clouds managed to clear and you can see the sun peeking through as we got out of church. It wasn't hot, it wasn't cold. It was truly a beautiful day. And I thought that I should really smile.

So I smiled. And when I did, it hurt. I couldn't keep smiling instead tears started to run down my cheeks. My heart is so broken. I didn't know I was still capable of taking the pain. I thought I was done. I thought now is the time that is really for me. That I will no longer have to worry about someone hurting me, betraying me or unloving me. I thought that THAT was over. I thought that I already found the best guy, the most right guy for me. I thought that now I can let go of the fictional prince and live out my fairytale.

It's confusing. Hay.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Hopeless Romantic.

I love romantic comedy movies. You know, boy meets girl, they fall in love, they have fun and then something happens, they hurt each other but in the end love prevails -- they kiss and the screen pans out. Yup. I'm a sucker for those movies. Even if I already know how it will end, I still watch them. With each ending, I hope my own love story will be something like it. Thing is, what happens when the screen pans out? Do they just end up gazing at each other's eyes lovingly? Do they just kiss and kiss and kiss nonstop? See, the screen doesn't pan out to the credits in real life. It just keeps going.

It's been three years since I "met" my Prince. Three years since I started writing him. Three years since I started believing that there was one person, who will love me for who I am. And I will love him back as much as he loves me. In those three years, I was with two guys. One who had me convinced he was the prince but he turned out to be an ass. And I am now with another guy, who could be him. I really want him to be.

My Prince who has inspired me in so many ways. Who has made me feel loved even when I didn't know him then. He made me believe that there is love. And I didn't need another person to love me right then and there. I just needed to know that I will be loved when he finally comes.

Sometimes, I think I should already let go of my Prince and just live. Stop looking for him in the guys I am with. After all it is a known fact that most guys are princes in the beginning but monsters at the end. Well, okay not all of them. Some of them don't, not monsters not really. But not exactly a prince too.

Prince, is the result of my wild imagination. It was fun while it lasted, but I cannot live my life around fairy tales. In real life, even when we love someone we hurt that person we love. In real life the ending isn't as happy, because when life ends it means someone gets left behind. In real life, the pain doesn't stop after we kiss and make up, because there will be other pains that will follow, because for as long as we live we will keep on making mistakes and those mistakes will hurt someone, somehow.

So, right now...I just want to live.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Be Still.

I want to be still

Still as a rock
Hear the wind blow
With my pain it goes

Be still
Not a word
Not a sound
Just what's around

Be still
Calm down
Listen for a comforting sound
Wait for that consoling hand

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Ang plastic ko bwiset.

Friday, January 08, 2010

The Year 2009 In Review...and Thank You's.

I have been so caught up with my life that I wasn't able to write this. I have been meaning to. So 2009 was quite eventful. Joys and tears combined.

1st Quarter (Jan - March) -- I found myself starting the year arguing with Rey -- I forgot what it was all about, I think it was about me working too much. I was starting to not love my current job, I wasn't inspired. I also found an opportunity for me to come back here in the US and be with Rey. I also found 2 more ob opportunities that I had to pass up. I saw most my good friends and spent as much time as I could and as permitted by my schedule with them. I celebrated my best friend's birthday with her too! It was fun.

2nd Quarter (April - June) -- I quit my job and flew here. I worked in Colorado -- which I was thankful for being able to come back here and all that. But Colorado, was not the best experience of my career. Although, the four days I spent with my Bubu was the best ones I had there ever.

3rd Quarter (July - September) -- Summer passed by so fast but I still couldn't wait for it to be over. Bubu came to visit and we had a lot -- I think. I am only speaking for myself. We celebrated his birthday together! A first! By September I was already planning my next job and my mini-vacay to California.

4th Quarter (October - December) -- My birthday came and went. I did get to spend it with Bubu BUT I ruined his plans. But I was happy enough to be able to spend some time with him. At least whenever we are together we spend it the whole day long. We've seen better days. We really have. But I hope that there will be more. I got a job in Florida it's just really tough. The end of the year, I don't know how to describe it. Let's just say that I wish I had a better one. We're still together so I guess, we have a chance for a better one.


- for my family, who is always there even when I am not.
- for Rey, who is still there even when I'm not. Even if he doesn't have to be.
- for my friends, who is always there for me no matter what. (Special mention time!) I love you all!!!!
-_-Kevin ~ I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there for you when you needed me. And thank you for never leaving me ever. Thank you. I love you, you have been a good good friend.
-_- Manel ~ Thank you for taking time off from your hectic life to stay in touch. I know how hard it is to do but you still do.
-_- Tonet ~ for the tough love.
-_- April ~ Even when you're not always there, you're there when least expected. :)
-_- Julie ~ for talking to me and for sharing your zen thoughts. HAHA
-_- Ella ~ for always sharing your wisdom with me.
-_- Tere ~ for always showing you cared about me even if we don't talk as much anymore!
-_- Nadine ~ for being so thoughtful and helping me out during Ondoy!
- for my new friends! Mikey, Dave, Jaime, Rachel, Zach - it has been a pleasure knowing you and working with you. I hope that we can stay friends. :)
- for the opportunities given to me the past year.

I'm sorry if I had been outta touch lately. I'll be better. :)

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Flitting through a web of emotions
trying hard to take the tension
Hearts soar, hearts fall
heart spirals out of control

Tears fall, I see a back walking away
Rushing out to follow, running to keep up
He doesn't stop, he keeps going
We keep going, tripping, falling

Roller coaster ride, trying to go with the tide
Stop please, let's rest
I thought we were the best
Seems like we're just like the rest

Today the year became old again.