Sunday, December 30, 2007

New Year.

Everything is new for me this year. New people, new place, new job, new boss, new area code, new country. Time went by so fast this year. I almost didn't feel it. ALMOST.

I started out the year crying, remember popo? And I will end it still in tears. What's not new is the familliar pang of pain in my haert each time I think of home.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry merry me!!!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone's had a good christmas. I had a lot of fun! Check ou the pictures at my multiply site! It's just off of my links. Anyhow, I went home earlier than expected though because my feet were killing me and so was my back. Argh! I had a couple of drinks by my lonesome. It was fun. And before you say anything about how fun it is to drink alone then read ahead.

"What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be."

- Ellen Burstyn

My drunk last night room mate barged in this morning to wake us up. She didnt sleep in our room, I think she was too drunk to find her way back. HAHA She was inviting us to wade in the hot tub. I told her it was way too cold and even if the tub was hot getting out would be fuckin' agony. HAHA But we still made our way to the pool area and found that it was locked! Ha! So we ran back home because in our bathing suits it was freakin cold out.

We ate lunch at the place were we did the party because there was so much left over! HAHA Anyhow so that was it. I called my parents and my uncle. Francis called me to greet. And now were back here playing uno! I'm going to another party later! See yah!

Sunday, December 23, 2007


Are any of my friends still reading this stupid thing? I feel like ranting today. I did something I shouldnt have done. I checked his friendster account. Yep, I told myself i wouldnt do it anymore. Did you know what it said in his status? It's complicated! Now suddenly our status was complicated. BULLSHIT. And you know what doesnt help? Me, being so fucking far away.

Bakit ganun? Why did he bother if he will only hurt me? I told him so many times what Donald did to me. How I caught the dude cheating on me through friendster. Bakit subjected na naman ako sa pain na ganito? Halos maglumuhod na ako pleading for him not to pull something like Donald. My pleas has fallen on deaf ears. What the fuck is wrong with you man?

I am so mad at myself. I love a guy who doesnt have a heart.

Brrrr!!!! Cold Christmas!!! is! For the first time in my life it is really cold. We're a couple degrees short of a white christmas. Thank God! We'll so far it's been very lonely. I miss my friends. My Bubu. It should've been our first Christmas together. I got a lot of presents for him. But he's not opening them on Christamas day. And I, I will be with my roommates on Christmas Eve along with other Filipinos all of whom are spending this family time away from their families. Blech!

Sucks to be meeee!!!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Deperate Kingdom Of...

Ooops...desperate lang pala...

I am so bored and lonely here.


Sunday, November 25, 2007


I am so fuckin' lonely here.

As in I can't help but cry every night.

I can feel my soul wasting away...

Monday, November 19, 2007


I am here in LA for a couple of days. I am on my day off and decided to fly out here to visit my aunt and uncle. I went to Venice Beach! It's a haven for artists and weirdos. HAHA There's this stall which had an experiment on the medicinal affects of marijuana. And one guy who was shouting will work for marijuana. Some stalls had interesting trinkets for sale plus some artwork. My uncle bought a salt and pepper shaker the were in a hug. There's a guy who was roller blading around in a turban and a guitar. And a guy who stood there naked for money. HAHA It was hilarious.

It is very cold here! And I am close to freezing all the time. My heart wants to chill out of my chest! LA has been fun. Plus my aunt gave me a lot of things which I dunno how I will bring back to Arizona given the fact that I didn't have any luggage with me. Oh well. I wish I had a laptop though so I can talk to Francis more because I always miss him.

So there. Next time maybe I will have more money I can actually shop!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I apologize...

To my friends who havent heard from me since I got here. I am sorry. But you can come check out my blog from time to time to read up on my life here. It's just I get tamad to write.

So far things have been well, except that my room mates dont like me, why? And I had been the perfect room mate during day one. After I learned that they didn't like me I ceased to be one. And I just go about my business not bothering with them anymore.

You know how it is that when you're back home you're so burara and since you're now on your own, you've taken to taking care of your things and yourself. So I like my, or should I say apartment clean? So what? And how I told them not to use the dryer until after they get the lint of it because it can burn the house down...not only our apartment but the rest of the complex? What is freakin' wrong with that?

Anyway, I wish my room mates were Kevin and Manel. I'm sure I'd be having a blast. Or I wish I was with Francis. I'm sure I'd be better off. *sigh*

Sunday, November 11, 2007


Nov 9, 2007

My Prince,

Yes, it's been a while since I wrote you anything. I miss you terribly. I am so far away from you. I feel so lost. I feel I am losing "us". I feel I am losing you, again.

It's been a month since we had our union. Did you remember? I must confess, I almost forgot. For which I am heatfully sorry.

Work is fun. I am with some poeple, who like myself studied in Culinary school. My colleagues have been nice to me. Everyone you meet along the way, may it be a corridor or a sidewalk, smiles or greets you. But nothing beats the feeling I get when I see your smile as you're approaching me. Or as we drive to our favorite place. Nothing can replace being with you. No matter how foul you mood is or even when we are fighting.

I miss swining by your house or office to get a hug at the end of a very tiring day. Tonight, like every other night since I came here, may it be tiring or boring, when I go home all I will get is a snuff in the face (by my room mates who are bitching on me) and the chilly air in my almost empty apartment. There are nights, while waiting for the vanpool to pick me up, when I would look up the clear night sky and see the beautiful moon upon me. And it makes me sad, when I start to realize that we are no longer staring at the same moon.

No more warm hugs which I feel so at home in. No more soft butterfuly kisses on my lips, neck and hands. I miss you. If missing someone could kill, I'd be dead the day i stepped into the airport.

It's so much different then, when I used to write letters for no one. I knew I loved you even if you weren't around. But now, it's so hard not to long for you. The pain is suffocating. My life is again a cosmic joke. After the anticipation of meeting yoou when I finally did, I had to say goodbye. It's almost bittersweet. Even with the promise of beiing with each other again it's so hard not to feel lonely at times.

I think about you countless times. Almost every waking moment of my days,. I thought about you, about us. Will I ever see you again? Will the feelings be the same? How would it feel to be with you again. Will I kiss you first and then hug you? Or vice versa?

I'm afraid we might start to forget what it's like to be together. Though I cannot forget about you. I'd sometimes fall to my knees and start crying out for you. I wish everytime you'd ome and take me into your loving arms., where I am alays safe and wanted. But it cannot happen, not yet. Not for a very long times.

I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice calling out my name. Or the tender way you squeeze my hands. I even miss the annoying way you'd "command" me to kiss you.

I love you. The distance doesnt change how I feel about you. And I will hold on until I see you again. When we're finally one again. Until then my heart will remain broken, because it just ain't the same without you.


Tuesday, October 23, 2007


So, I have finally arrived here in Arizona. It took me a while to get started. It's a good thing I found the library where I get free internet access!!! Cool huh?!

I miss my Bubu. Right now it's about the only thing I miss back home. No offense. I also started working already. I don't miss my old job much, since I am also a pizza girl here. Anyway, my apartment is great and my room mates are also nice.

I walk all the time since I don't have a car and it takes forever for the bus to come. Sometimes I wish my bubu is with me. We can share all of the nice things I see here, together. I kinda like it here. Well, I haven't seen what it's like in the summer.

I might go to LA on Nov. Yay! I miss LA already even if I was there for like 4 hours already and 2 hours of which is spend waiting in the airport! HAHAHA Anyway so will blog again another time! :)

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The long wait...

So, my flight was moved...AGAIN.

I am starting to get pissed with the agency. The good thing about it is that I get to spend more time with my Bubu. The bad things about it is that I am already out of cash, the schedule got messed up and I lose days on my contract.

Now I am starting to wonder if I had pre-empted everything when I told everyone about it when I passed the interview.


Thursday, October 04, 2007

Presenting the De Venancio Puppet!

This family have a lot to say about what I do with my life! Sure, they give me everything. Sure, they give me money, clothes, unneccessary gadgets and stuff but I thought they were gifts. I didn't know they were buying my free will with it. Even God, gave me my OWN free will!

It's depressing how my cousins can get away with almost everything and me? I'm stuck being the responsible one, being the one who didn't want to disappoint anyone anymore. In short, I HAVE TO MAKE UP FOR MY COUSINS MISTAKES.

Sure they might have good intentions, but they never understood where I am coming from, why I am doing these things. I have a life. I have a boyfriend whom I love. Why must they tell me what they want for me all the time? What they want are sometimes not what I want!

I'm leaving in less than a week! I am so sad not being able to spend more time with my boyfriend. I miss him alot. I will miss him when I leave, but no, they just dont get it. They never get it.

And they say the DONT use their money for power. Well, they are very wrong!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Crocodile tears...

Usually when I guy starts sobbing or crying on the phone or in front of me I get turned off. I find it a tacky way to get some sympathy.


When I confronted (that eventually lead to the worst break up of my life) my ex about his behavior he cried and told me he was sorry but he didn't feel the same way about me, and that it's not about another girl. Well guess what, 2 weeks later a good friend of mine saw him at some concert with another girl.

But early this afternoon, my boyfriend called me and started to cry. He blabbered about my leaving. I didn't really get much of what he said. And it broke my heart.

You see, prior to that, I told him that I may be staying in the US for good, and might not be coming back for a while. Then later on, I had to tell him I'm leaving a week earlier. :(

It pains me to leave him. I wish he can go with me and build our future there together. But we must do it apart.

Tears arent that tacky afterall...

Monday, October 01, 2007


Okay, for today. My braces have just been lifted off to be replaced by retainers on wednesday!!! Weeeeeee!

Geekiness is over! Now, I would really, really, REALLY want to make out with my boyfriend! Teehee. Haven't done that in a while. :)

Friday, September 28, 2007

The NEXT flight out.

This is the official statement. Yes, I am leaving. Yes, it might be for good. I cannot say yet what my plans are but it definitely includes my wonderful boyfriend.

My flight will tentatively be on October 16. Yes, I wont be here for my birthday, so if you're planning anything for me or with me on that day, do it earlier. HEHE

Yes, I am in a rollercoaster of feelings. One minute I am excited, the next I am sad. No, I wont be treating anyone to a despedida thing nor am I throwing my own despedida party. One, I dont have enough funds, and next, friends are supposed to do this for you. But I'd like to see everyone I care for before I go, so that hopefully they wouldn't forget about me.

So there. I want to say "see yah!" to all my friends I will leave behind. Catch me all on YMessanger when I get a laptop. Or my phone will be on roaming so we can still text. :) See you next year. Or probably not.

And most especially to my Prince:

I love you. This is not good bye, hopefully. I will see you soon. I will let you marry me someday...soon. :) This is for us. You're my only one. Thank you for your support and love.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Tears and the rain...

I felt like crying earlier. Thanks to the rain it made it even more conducive to melancholy. Sadness is slowly eating up my soul. And it makes it harder that I cannot lean onto the wall I have been leaning on to during my episodes the past months. Because he's also consummed by loneliness so he says.

I have been trying to get to him lately. Trying to get a glimpse of his soul. But I can't find it. My heart doesn't feel anything, hear anything, even the small prayers. Even the ones from his heart. But I can see him, staring off, his eyes so sad and when I ask he turns his head and tries to muster a smile.

I wonder what happens after...

Monday, September 17, 2007

The truth be told...

For the past entries I have been speaking in riddles. Now, it can be told...I'm leaving. Soon. Only a bunch of people know about it, family and the closest person to me, Francis.

I found a job for me in Arizona, my contract starts in October and ends in May. I dont know what will happen in between. But what's important is I am leaving soon. Finally, it's my turn to go. I've wanted this for the longest time for myself and now the opportunity is here.

This for my future, Francis' and mine. For my family.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Not so impossible...

All of a sudden the idea of a "forever" doesn't seem too far fetched.

I stopped believing that I'd find someone who can love me forever. For me, forever is just a lucid idea. Blame it on the bitterness caused by a cheating ex-boyfriend. Forever, then, crumbled. It was a preposterous idea made up by fools. And I refuse to be a fool anymore.

But, this guy I am with now. This man, I so fondly call "my prince", him who I wrote those letters to. Him, whom I wanted to be "my prince", he makes me want to believe in "forever" again. That it can still happen, for me.

Is it possible that maybe he can love me forever? Is it possible that he can withstand all of my whims, my caprices, my moods and my unpleasant attitude, and still love me in spite of these imperfections?

Is it safe for me to believe that forever is not impossible, that it happens? Can it? Will it?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


I'm shushed.

I have alot of things in my head I can't talk about. Why? Because he gets annoyed when I voice them out.


It's hard, having all these thoughts and not being able to talk to the one person who could understand.

Anyway, I dreamt about him today. In the dream he put our picture in his friendster account. I forgot what he said on the caption though. So I thought I'd go check when I got home. He didn't. It was really just a dream. Oh well.

Shitty internet connection. Argh.

I miss someone. I'm not sure who, but there's a hugeongous pit of longing in my soul.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Laws Of Attraction.

Have you heard about it? The theory that your thoughts are so powerful that it attracts what you're thinking of into your life? Sounds new age?

"People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle."- God, Bruce Almighty
So, I was wondering and thinking like I always do. If I am confusing the universe with my thoughts and actions. I hope not.

Sometimes, I pray and I get confused of what I am praying about. Like I have alot of things I wanna lift up to Him, and it seems to rush out faster, before I can think about them or mutter about them.

I hope I am not negative-ing myself. No. I hope not.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007



Everyone has them. I think I am deluded by them, but what if you're not someone's ideal? How does it feel?

I am not his ideal girl. I've known for a while. Actually, I think I've known ever since. It's funny right? That I cry every night because of a guy who doesn't even think of me as his ideal girl. Not really. It's funny knowing and trying not to feel anything about it.

I want to know what he thinks of me. Does he smile when he thinks of me? Will he remember me fondly? Will he treasure the memories we had? What will he remember of me most?

Tears. Leche.

I wanted to know if I can even be close to what this girl is like. Maybe somehow I have something in me that's remotely close to what she is, that I have something to offer that she cant. And maybe it will be enough to make him stay.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Crying my tearducts out...

I've been crying every night, lately. It's not that I want to fore go of my plans, no it's not that. It's just I'm sad I'm leaving someone behind. I love him. I love him so much and I am starting to miss him, right now.

Just the thought of being so far away from him is tearing me apart. But these plans, will make a better future for us, and it will help.

I just don't know if I would still have a home to come home to in time. Or if distance and time will eat my dreams and plans away...

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Reading another blog...

Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end."

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question, "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking.

"Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound...

As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more."

I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, “I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.”

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You're asking a lot.”

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

I was reading Ella's blog earlier. I started with her entry "Stupid Love". I can relate I will soon be faced with something simillar to that. But I will take the path that I have long put myself into. I wanted it, I earned it and I need it to become the person that I can be whatever happens I know I will gain from it.

And then I stumbled across this other entry which is really an interesting read, impressive even. But where do you find a man like him? I have every reason to believe I found mine already. And I hope that every other girl who wants to meet her prince will find a man worthy of her.

You see...I still believe in the line "A woman's love story is exactly how she wants it to be."or from the movie The Wedding Date, ''Every woman has the exact love life she wants.''

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Thank you. (random)

For the thoughtful way you squeeze my hand.

For the hugs those times my heart, my soul and my body is slumped.

For the support and courage you always have for me.

For those annoying kisses you insist on giving me.

For staying up to drive for me.

For those surprisingly sweet messages you'd send me, which would make my day.

For including me in your life plans and for wanting to be in mine.

For those days you cuddled with me.

For those days you went "away" with me.

Thank you for the last four months of bliss, tears, laughters and magic. I hope we're both looking forward to a lifetime of them.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Missing out.

I'm not counting my blessings. Yes, ingrateful twerp that I am. I'm failing to see the good in all the things that are being presented to me that can bring more meaning to my life. Argh. Anyway...I feel so "un-blessed" right now. Like I'm not feeling the sanctity of things, the diviness. I'm way too detached with my spirituality right now, I seriously need to be rushed to the confession booth at greenbelt.

Oh God! Save me! Seriously.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Sweet nothings...

"Bu I really miss you. This sat, I wanna hug and kiss you endlessly...I love you with all my heart!" - Francis

I melted when I read the message he sent a couple of days ago. And that was what I had been looking forward to the whole day today. Work had been tiring and my colleague hasn't been helping out much. Sadly, he seems to have been thrown off his mood.

I think it's why it's called sweet nothings...because's really NOTHING.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Save Me.

SAVE ME by Josh Verdes

Save me
I feel like I’m goin’ crazy
I’ve got this lady
She’s got me on my knees
I’m saying baby baby please
Don’t leave tonight without giving me
Some of your lovin’ it makes me weak
Somebody save me

And lately
I feel like I’m goin’ crazy
I’ve got this lady
The way her lips just move
The way her hips just groove
The feelin’ I get when she says my name
It’s a feeling that never feels the same
Save me

Coz I found the
Love that is one of a kind
This time I’m in for real
And I know I’m just way too deep
Someone, oh someone
Save me now

And lately,
I know I’m goin’ crazy
I’ve got this lady
You’re now that’s all I think about
The next time I can think around
I really don’t wanna feel this way
But I think it’s already way too late
Save me

I found the love that is one of a kind
This time I’m in for real
I know..I’m just way too deep
Someone ooohh someone
Save me

Coz I’ve been there way too many times before
And everytime I say it’s not gonna work
Not this time so…save me
Just save me
Somebody save me
Yeah…oh ohhh

Coz I found the love that is one of a kind
This time I’m in for real
and I know I’m just way too deep
Someone…oh someoneI said someone….
Save me now
Save me now…

Yes, I desperately need saving...this is the first time in many months that I'm this slumped. Again, I am alone. Like I've always been even in the company of others...always struggling with myself.

In the end, I know. There is no one but myself who I can totally rely on to be there for me, to console me, to believe in me and to cheer me on.

If I had known? Then why is this thought tearing me apart?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

It hurts to know that you're alone. Even if it's by choice, even if you don't really have anyone...

But what hurts more is that knowing you have someone, even just one person, who could actually be there, but they're either too busy, not there (physically) or just doesn't care at all.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

It's funny how I always, ALWAYS have proof of this:

"People always leave." - Peyton Sawyer
Yes It's not exactly very optimistic, and Peyton is not really a very optimistic character. She's got the goth drama thing going, and yet, that simple lesson is always right in my face. Right now, some friends of mine are in the middle of settling they're differences. It's not only their friendship that's on the line here, it's almost their lives, their hard work, and their craft. Yes, I do admit I have not been exactly that much of a friend to them but I think that to abandon all of their hard work and friendship because of some differences isn't worth it.

But then, sometimes not all things are good for us. And those that aren't are either taken away from us or leaves us because they are not meant to be in our lives forever, just to teach us something.

Oh well. I guess, that's really how life is. There are no keepers, or ever afters...just lifetimes.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Can anyone spell T-I-R-E-D?

This is like the first time I'm going to rant about work being too tiring! I mean I love my job and I've never really complained about it, but really this one is like most tiring week of my life. My only consolation is I get to see my boyfriend once in a while and get a hug to chase all the weariness away. I am super happy that he lets me go and hug him after work whenever I can. :)

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Sana Maulit Muli

I was watching this film earlier on cable, simply because there wasn't anything more interesting to watch. The story is all about a couple who had to separate because the heroine was set to migrate to the US. And the hero, urged her to go so that she can learn to be more independent. And as most stories go, the girl had a hard time adjusting but soon got used to it and was able to cope with the lifestyle. The hero, in his effort to win his love back has decided to go to the US and woo her back only to realize that they've drifted so far apart.

So, while I was seeing this I started to wonder about how my relationship will take this, in the event that one of us leaves for work. I'm not sure if the relationship can handle that much strain. We haven't really been together that long, admittedly up to now, we are still getting to know each other. Plus the fact that I still stand insecure to his hoardes of girls. I mean I don't think I'll ever get over it. They're just too many! I was browsing his friends list and almost everyone on his list is a girl! I mean what about those girls who aren't in his list? And most of the people his inbox are also girls! Argh. I mean with the proximity, the fact that we dont really have the super duper tight bond as a couple yet, whose to say that he wont find someone else. There are couples who have been together for years and yet when one of them leaves, the relationship also dies. Paano pa kaya kami? Hay, I'm going crazy.

Anyway, so there, I've let it out. At least that's another thing I don't really need to think about that much...*sigh*

Can't my brain rest for awhile? *looks up* I knew I should've stuck to The Untalkative Rabbit on Disney! Argh!

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Random thoughts...

I'm considering moving to QC near work.

I can't take the commute to and from work, plus I'll be able to save on my expenses.

I have to check with my Aunt if I can live with her, but...there's no AC.

Random Question: How do you (yes you!) feel when I cry? I just thought about it, triggered by somethng a friend told me, you seem not to care even if I'm crying. I just realized that when we fight and I start to cry you just sit there, and you seem to be so cold hearted.

I looked like a first time promdi when I went to Trinoma this morning when I reported to work. I must've looked silly.

I love the "Greenbelt" side of it!

Can I stand living with cousins who don't talk to me?

I want to go to bora.

My neck still hurts.

The cute guy from FOH has a pink phone...and I think he wants to have the same PINK phone that I have. BWAHAHAHAHA Oh well.

I miss Andre, my Bubu's so kulit nephew! I'm going to bake him cookies, with less sugar one of these days. HAHA

Bad back again! Argh!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Que Horror!

I have a secret. I can't tell yet. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone, except my family. My boyfriend, I actually hesitated to tell him. I don't want anyone to put any negative energy into the plan.'s unavoidable...some people found out either from me, from my mom, my boyfriend or whatever.

I hope it's not gonna affect the plan in a negative way. Everythings just right where it's supposed to be, it looks so promising. I just don't want anyone to chase it away. I have to purge the negativity.


Friday, June 29, 2007

People I Admire.

This is an excerpt from my personal journal. I only admire a handful of people, whom I know personally, in my life. This is who and why:

Mom - Takes care of the family, patient, understanding and tries her best.

Papa - He is my best example of unconditional love, good provider.

My fave aunt - imparts knowledge and wisdom to others, selfless, optimistic, succesful and humble.

My fave uncle - Inspires others to be the person that they can be, optimistic, full of wisdom.

My Boyfriend - He has a great ability to love, understanding and patient to an extent, Optimistic, motivates me to be the woman I can be, sees the good in me even the ones I can't see.

Antonette Maniquis - HANDS DOWN, the best friend one can have!

Manel Castro - Hardworking, determined, great friend, listens well.

Kevin Pajado - Reliable, understanding, and he's a good man.

Farah Abu (singit lang to hehe) - Independent, creative, great company, great friend, honest, tough even with the frail exterior, fighter.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

My commitment to change.

Let's face it, we all have things in us that doesn't help us blossom into the wonderful beings that we are and should be. I know I do, and I am fully aware of them. Plus, the fact that it's practically getting drilled to my head by my ever reliable boyfriend.

My commitment to change is 5 days in a week. But I'm not sure if I am actually achieving this. I think I need to recheck my contract with myself. But the thing is how exactly do you just stop being what you've been used to be BE? Get it?

My boyfriend, he just says "Get over it!" or "Then change it!" And I think at that instant he expects me to just be "over" with it or that I "change" it. Whatever that is. But it's really not easy. I doubt he ever does that.

You know how they say, "Old habits die hard."? I guess, it's got a lot to do with how determined I am to change and to accept these changes in my life. I have to detach myself. And that's just what my fuckin' problem, I can't detach easily, it's always a struggle.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

My Vision Splendid.

I've been reading this book BE, and one of the questions there is: What's your vision splendid? How do you see yourself? What kind of people are you with? What are you doing? Where do you live?

I smile, I close my eyes and I start to see my life's vision, where I want to go, what I'm aiming for now: I want to be able to enjoy my life with my family while being able to enjoy my life's passion for cooking.

I used to worry so much about the future. That I may not be able to achieve it. The book's opened my eyes to the possibilities, it's taught me to believe in the abundance of the world, so I may be able to enjoy it. I realized that I've so much baggage to let go of to be able to travel light, not be slowed down or be worn out by all that excess and unwanted thoughts and feelings. I have a lot of dreams and aspiration and to achieve them I have to believe and see myself doing them.

Yes, believe in the abundance of the world.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Intuition and Cynicism?

Sometimes, when I'd get to thinking about things, recently about my relationship I'd have "unwanted thoughts" come into my head. You know the usual things like, does my boyfriend really love me? Is he cheating on me? Does his "girl friends" know he already has a girlfriend? And the list can just go on every night. You get my drift?

I'd guess, I'd have to say it stems from previous failed relationships. Guilt on something that I've done in the past, maybe I've overlooked a possible bad karma. So I began to wonder, is it intuition? Or pessimism and cynicism?

How do you tell which is which? Once or twice in the past my intuition or paranoia had been right when it started nagging on me that my ex was cheating on me. And they say that a woman's intuition is so strong, it's almost always right. There had been time's I've proven that. So when can you call it intuition? When are you just being paranoid?

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Things to do:

Random order:

1. Land a job.
2. Study kaballah.
3. Read the Coelho books I was given last Christmas.
4. Scan all my recipes, encode and add necessary notes and pictures.
5. Get notes from Sonia.
6. Pamper myself. (I seriously need to chillax.)
7. Take pictures.
8. Spend time with some friends.
9. Sponsor a thanksgiving mass.
10. Cook for my boyfriend's mom.
11. Cook for my boyfriend. Teehee.
12. Host a dinner with select friends.
13. Get away with my boyfriend. Somewhere with sun, sand and sea!
14. Shop for myself. Hehe (Books, lingerie, jeans, shoes, flipflops, sandals)
15. Buy my boyfriend a birthday gift.

Top priority is the job so I can do number 15. Nyahehehehe.

Friday, June 15, 2007


Lately, I've been reading a book titled "BE" by A.C Ping. I'm picking up a lot of things from it, but the problem is I don't quite know how to apply to my everyday life. Take for example what happened the last couple of days, how do you stop reacting to that?

When I opened my friendster page, I saw that my boyfriend has updated his profile 2 days ago. Naturally as I always do I clicked on his profile to see what was new. To my surprise he's changed his status from in a relationship to single. And even before I can start telling myself that it was just a profile, I had already started feeling a pang of pain in my heart. I started resenting him for a lot of things that I have kept from him, things that had me feeling bad about myself as his girlfriend.

And while reading the book, I came across a chapter that talked about not falling prey to these sort of reactions. They leave you distressed, bothered and miserable. And truthfully, the last couple of days, I have not spoken properly to him. I was miserable, I cried every night until I fell asleep, and I thought about all sorts of nasty things he can be doing behind my back, without any proof that he was actually doing anything.

So how exactly do you stop reacting to these things, where your heart is already being stirred before your brain can even start analyzing and rationalizing the situation? And I wondered how the author learned to do all of the things he's written in the book, what sort of experiences did he go through to achieve that much wisdom?

I wish I can be like that. I wish I had that much power. Not to be a slave to my emotions. Not to cling so much to something or someone, because these things aren't permanent. To act on my vision, to act on my passions, to stand up to my values and principles. I'd like to believe that I could...BE.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Can I mean something else to someone?

You know that feeling that even when he tells you he loves you, you just can't help but feel insignificant? Yes, I'm having one of those. It's been three months of bliss, anxiety, petty fights and what not.

I don't question that he loves me. But sometimes, there's just things that he does that makes me momentarily numb up. Reel from that pang of pain I feel. I'm sure he doesn't mean, maybe half the time he is unaware. So I chose to keep it. To nurse the pain away, but then it happens again. And again, and you just can't help it anymore. You break down.

To some it's nothing. And I tried to make it seem like nothing several times. Talked myself down, consoled myself, slapped myself several times just to shake it all off. I smiled. Sometimes, I think I smiled too hard.

Sometimes, I hate myself for looking at things that can possibly hurt me. Yes, I saw you updated your profile, added a picture and I clicked to see what was new. Then there it was, nahulog ang puso ko. The questions and pain started to well up, the instantaneous effort to tell myself it's nothing and the fighting back of tears. Pain. I have very low tolerance for pain, and my emotional pain translates to physical pain because I try to keep it locked up inside. Instead of crying, I fought back the urge. I started having difficulty breathing, and I felt defeated. Tears started to stream down my cheeks.

A friend of mine said it's just a profile. But why does it cause me so much pain? He is right. Another friend said it's not JUST a profile. When your heart can't shake the feeling off then it matters.

So ultimately, I asked myself:

Who am I to this person?

Is my pain worth it, whatever he is thinking or doing?

When is he going to be proud to be with me?

If he thought that I was too much for him, then why does he end up taking these feelings for granted?

Where do I stand?

Why does it seem that he still wants to be with other girls, because it seems he still wants them to think he didn't have anyone?

I didn't force him to be with me, he was the one who made that choice, right? So why do I deserve this?

Saturday, June 09, 2007

I want my own life.

I'm 24. I know I'm an only child, but I've already lived most of my life trying to please this entire family. It's time to live it my style. I know I still have to follow the rules, it's your house anyway, but still. I know some people who still lived with their parents but still enjoy their lives without having to endure half an hour or so of sermon, or cussing.

I'm 24. I'm no longer your baby girl. I'm entitled to mistakes and lessons. I'm entitled to a night or two of partying. I've never gone home drunk. I've never drank and driven the car home. I never came home with news that I rammed the car somewhere. You've never been summoned to a precinct or hospital because something bad has happened to me. I've been able to take care of myself.

I just want to live a little bit, without having to come home to a bunch of people berating me for it.

I've just been to Moonlane Gardens...

I know, I know. I've ranted about the unexplainable ties that bind my bff and these guys. One of the reasons why some friendships have been forgotten and left broken. But, I admit that I had good times with them, under the influence of course! HAHA And I am happy for the blessings that they have received. It's very much deserved by them. Talented bunch of people.

It's been fun seeing those people I used to hang out with all the time before. I don't really get to see them much, since I haven't gone to any gigs the past months. I missed some faces but nonetheless it was fun. I found myself lost and alone a couple of times. It felt like I went to the bar alone. One of those things I said I'd do before I die. HAHA Well, I did go to the bar alone but I was meeting friends, but since they're busy and waaay too involved with the launch I wasn't going to get in the way of that. So I stood in some corner smiling and saying hi to those they introduced to me, watching and laughing at the scene before me.

It's official, I'm old. My ears started to ring from the blaring speakers, I started to wish I had earplugs. I didn't quite enjoy it as much as I used to. But I'm there for support and some good ol' music. :) It's a nice break from dinner, coffee and doing whatever my boyfriend wanted to do. :) Maybe I should go back to embassy next time. HAHA. See, if I have indeed outgrown it. But I know time and again I'd feel the need to party like I used to.

And oh, there's this scary looking foreigner who'd bump into me to mouth "Galing noh?" or "Bulacan, yeah!" Bleaurgh! Seriously. I ended up nodding my head and smiling. I inched away from him the first chance I got! HAHAHA

Now we all know how to go there! Grab a bottle of beer or vodka, we're all walking! :)

PS: Please get yourselves a copy of Moonlane Gardens Orange and Lemons' 3rd album!

Monday, June 04, 2007

I broke my heart.

I was with him yesterday. I wasn't feeling well but I willed myself to go see him, because I missed him. When I was with him na and when I told him that I wanted to go to mass first he started walking fast. He actually left me to look at his back briskly walking past, not even caring to look back to see where I was. And then I wondered if he'll notice if I was no longer following him, would he look for me if I suddenly left. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I began to pray to God to make him look back and stop and wait for me, but he didn't. He stopped only when he found that there was no mass. So he waited until I got to where the chapel is to tell me. And he proceeded inside. I sat a couple of pews from where he sat. And I prayed. After I stared at his back. And began to ask God why things are changing between us. I watched him, and I remembered how I prayed to God for someone to love and someone to love me. And how right then and there I felt us drifting apart. And how my heart ached at this thought. A few more minutes, I watched him take his glasses off and he knelt to pray. I contemplated if I will wait for him to finish or if I'm going to sit beside him and wait there. After while I stood up and sat beside him. I tried to meditate. But I couldn't, I was consumed by the sadness that I felt. He took my hand and I dismissed the feeling. I chose to enjoy being with him.

Today, I told him I was letting him go. I don't know if I made the right decision. Surely, after I've cried all the tears I can afford to cry, I will hate myself for choosing to set him free. But I don't want to hurt anymore. And I don't want to hurt him anymore. I can see in his eyes that he's not happy. His eyes didn't sparkle when he looked at me. It used to, and how I loved it when it does. It's been 2 months and I still don't know how to talk to him about how I felt. We never talked about how we felt.

I admit, I wish I can take it back. But the ball is now in his court, he can choose to play the game or to stop. But maybe getting no reaction from him is enough, and I can start speculating about how he truly felt about me, about us. God, I wish he'd choose to stick it through. But wishing doesn't do anything.

It's painful, to wait, here. To wait and then find out that it's exactly what he's been wanting to hear. It's painful to wait and feel your world crumbling down, slowly, painfully taking it's time. And what kills is that maybe to him, it's like nothing happened. While I'm...dying.

Sunday, June 03, 2007


My Prince,

I miss you.

My heart bleeds from the longing I feel.

My Prince, I miss you...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The inner struggle...

I've always pondered about life, my life. I always searched for something that I think I'm missing. I'd read books or magazine articles that taught me that it's okay to dream, that it's a choice to be happy, that being positive brings out the positive things in your life. Sadly, I am always at a loss of how to apply these things to myself.

Even if I shared these things to friends when they go through difficult things, and I appear to be someone whose full or wisdom and knowledge, the truth is I'm not. It's not that I'm faking it. No. It's just when I'm faced with my life's adversities instead of remembering the lessons I learned from reading or from previous experience I breakdown. I choose to be weak. I choose to be ignorant. I choose to lose.

I know I can be happy but I choose not to be. I know I can win and be the best but I choose mediocrity. I know life is simple, I can choose what I want to experience in my life but instead I choose to stay conflicted, lost and wallowing in misery that is not even existent.

I know what it's like to choose happiness. I've experienced unexplainable happiness just by choosing that it is what I want to experience in my life. I've lived out magic moments that I never thought I'd actually experience in my life. Why then am I settling for mediocrity if there's such that I KNOW I can experience and have?

Because...maybe it's human nature to be such. Because we refuse to consider that maybe, just maybe, that sort of life - a life that's light and free, is possible. We have all resigned ourselves to what society says that life is. It said that "Life is hard." When it's not, it's really not THAT hard. It's actually simpler than we think. Much much simpler than we think.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

My legs hurt...

I'm idle. I miss running around in that smelly kitchen trying to perfect all my tasks. *sigh* My legs hurt from not standing 7-8 hours a day. I miss the waiters barking orders or asking me to fix them a sandwich. HAHA

Anyway...I hope to start working again soon! :)

Sunday, May 27, 2007

A Series of Unfortunate Events.

I just noticed that ever since I got together with my Bubu, we have had a series of unfortunate things happening to us.

1. The corinthian hills incident.
2. $100.
3. Bubu got robbed today.

Is the universe telling us something? Or is it a test of whatever? Maybe karma, for the little white lies. Oh well. I hope we have learned our lessons.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I miss...

I've been reading the Prince the ones he wrote. I kinda miss them.

"You are my be profound as possible, I chose you. I will continue to adore you."
- My Prince

Wala lang, it made me smile...

Fudge and whole lotta shitty more!

Owgademmit! I just weighed myself and tantananan!!! I just gained 2 pounds!!! Two freakin' pounds that I worked so hard to lose. I am so going back on my half cup of carb a day diet. Okay so the last week I was with my Bubu almost everyday, except Sunday (ayos ka, Sunday pa talaga!), so I heard mass with my friend Manel. But let's not even go into the details of what the homily was about. *snickers*

Since I'm always with Bubu, he makes me finish my meals every time, even if I am close to throwing up already. I know, some people don't eat even a single meal in a day, but can't I just take home the rest? WAH! So, I'm going on a hunger strike. Hay. This is getting me depressed, AGAIN! And I just got out of the emo mood I was in last Sunday. Anyway...oh well...and I'm gonna haul my mom's ass to walking!

I'm starting to miss my Bubu! *someone bitch slap me!*

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Lost Sunset...

I was on my way home and I noticed that glorious sun just starting to change the sky's palette of the usual bright white light to a subdued yellowish and pink glow as it sets amidst the towering skyscrapers of Fort Bonifacio. How I wish I had my camera with me.

Now that sunset is lost. Next week, I will go and find that sunset again. :)

Monday, May 14, 2007


You know how people say that everything is all about timing? Or that in God's will everything will fall into place. Or that everything is beautiful in God's time?

I was talking to Mom and she was telling me about timing. How she now understood why she came to the US at that time, and how she met dad at the right time, where dad was just about ready to get serious with life and stuff. So anyway, I started musing over this tiny bit of wisdom and learning. I wondered, if timing is everything, did I enter my boyfriend's life at the right time? And when will the right time to go abroad come? Will everything else that will happen (or those that's already come and gone) come at the right time?

That everything does not merely happen by happens because the time is right for it to happen.

Rambling and not making sense...argh!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

People come and go...

This is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn and experience in my life. Sadly, as we grow, there are pieces of us, parts of our lives that we leave behind. This doesn't exclude lovers, friends and family. It's sad that although you go through the hardest things with someone, this doesn't assure you that this person will stay in your life.

As we grow, we can't help it. We change, we start to look for things that fit into the kind of life we would like to lead. And sadly even if we don't want to, to be able to gain something, we must also let go something else. A lot of things cannot coexist. A lot of things can only be good for you at one point.

I've lost a lot to these so-called changes. And it's not going to stop. As I continue to gain...I will also continue to lose another.

Julie: It's just weird how time erases things.
Fern: Time doesn't erase things, people erase things.
Julie: Yeah, people erase people.
- Excerpt, Jawbreaker

Tuesday, May 08, 2007


I just read this thread, the girl is asking if it's considered shallow that she's wondering why her boyfriend doesn't give her flowers. Hellooo! Of course it's shallow!

Okay I'm not saying I don't like flowers. I do. I love yellow roses. And I appreciate being given them, although I prefer the potted kind. But these so called signs of love or signs that you're special to someone will die, wilt and shrivel up to an ugly piece of mess. Not to mention, it stinks and tends to become a breeding ground for mosquitoes.

How come some people notice it when they're given flowers or anything else for that matter but don't notice what someone does to make them happy? How come you feel special when you're given flowers but not when he's taking time off from work to spend time with you? Stuff like that? Duh!

Flowers die. Even potted ones will die. But simple gestures like bringing you home to make sure you got home okay, or maybe giving you 100 g of your fave candy from Candy Mix are better than a bouquet of expensive flowers.

Cynical. Is it because those people who gave me flowers turned out to be jerks. HEHE.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


And get a scorching SUNBURN! Owww yeah! Nothing will make me happier right now than a beach front casita, preferably with a hammock or lounge chair out front, the bright sun, the smell of my suntan lotion and of course my beau. HEHE

I want to stare at the clear blue sea.

I want to drink cool coconut juice from the coconut fruit...

Or maybe try that chic pinacolada...or that ever refreshing mais con hielo...

I want to feel the sand under my bare feet.

I want to feel the sun's skin piercing heat.

I want to sit and watch the sun as it sets at the horizon.

And when I wake up the next day, I will sit and watch the sun rise to a brand new day.

And of course not forget to take pictures...

Just a doesn't even have to be Boracay.

Saturday, April 28, 2007


I seriously need to party.

I wonder what my friends are doing right this moment. Seems they've forgotten about me.

Dammit. made sense though...I can relate...

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again... For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person... in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else... Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little... As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right... Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger... So here's a piece of advice; Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough. And move on when things are not like before... It's certain... there is someone out there WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE...

Wise words from an unknown person:

A girl asked a boy if she was pretty.
He said no.
She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever.
He said no.
She then asked him if he would cry if she walked away.
He again said no.
She had heard too much.
She needed to leave.
As she walked away, he grabbed her arm and told her to stay, he said,
"You're not pretty, you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever. I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

If I could be any part of you, I'd be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to.

This wise words of Gabriel Garcia Marquez: Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened!

The wise words of Oscar Wilde: A man wants to be a woman's first love, a woman wants to be his last.


Laugh when you can,
apologize when you should,
and let go of what you can't change.

Kiss slowly,
play hard,
forgive quickly,
take chances,
give everything
and have no regrets.

Life's too short to be anything…but happy.

Cynical moment...

What hurts....

- letting go of a person you've just learned to love

- reminiscing the good times you shared together

- shielding your heart to love somebody

- trying to hide what you really feel

- trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes

- loving a person too much

- giving up someone you never thought of giving up

- having the right love at the wrong time

- taking the risk to fall in love again

- hiding your relationship from someone else

- controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend

- thinking of him every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that he never even thinks a single thought of you...

- letting go, because every time you see the person, you only fall deeper

- holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out

- falling in love with someone you didnt mean to fall in love with

- finding the perfect guy...with only one prob....he doesnt love you...the way you want him to...

- helping the one you love "court" your friend

- seeing the one you love crying for someone else

- the waiting also hurts like hell

- having to hear "... I've met someone"

- agreeing to his wish to 'just be friends'

- asking his freedom back because he'd be happier with her

- asking you to 'forget that everything happened' and be 'normal' friends again

- hearing that you're treated as a little sis (ouch!)

- sharing his future plans for the girl with you

- you stopped being friends because his gf asked him to

- being denied in front of people

- telling you lies where he'd been when actually, he was with a 'new friend' or an 'old flame' (whew!)

- he told you he'd be leaving you to return to his ex (the one he left 4 you!)

- breaking someone's heart

- fighting for that one thing that would make you happy that is, holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his commitment unless he fix himself...then, you are left hanging for the moment...then he says, time will tell...but you still decided to hope in him and trust him

- PRETENDING you're OK when inside you're dying...

- PRETENDING to be strong....and RECOGNIZING your weakness

- lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have...

- being with someone you can't actually love...

- pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love...

- being in love...

- letting go even if you really don't want to... having no right to say you are hurting because it was your decision

- seeing the person you love hurt because of you... and not being able to help that person...

- having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he doesnt treat you with the same closeness as before

- having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable

- admitting that you love someone despite his imperfections

- finding out that the more you try to hate him, the more you end up loving him, perhaps even more than before

- realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.

- the thought that this guy, used to really love you and you loved him as well but you didn't give enough and he gave up on you

- Sharing the one you love with SOMEBODY else.....

- making a promise....and realizing that when the time has come for that promise to be delivered....the commitment is no longer there...

- the hardest thing about love - believing it exists

- After you've been hurt...
...learning to forgive...learning to trust and love again

- But the hardest thing really is learning to love yourself. We always forget to do this. Always.

~I got this from Chellie's site...I can relate. *sigh*

Clouds set in...

I'm sad.

I'm tired....

I'm pensive...

I long for silence...

I long for rest...

My heart feels conflicted.

My brain is in overdrive.

I need to get away...

Friday, April 27, 2007

Thank you!

This started out as a ranting entry...decided to delete everything and make it positive...

- My family...they frustrate the hell out of me but I love them, I don't have a choice. HAHAHA
- Francis, he's one of the major reasons that life is more interesting right now.
- My friends, TOPAC, My Galera girls, Tere - I miss you!, Manel - We owe each other some major bonding, Kevin - thanks for everything, Isprikitiktik/Jello - We still owe each other Intramuros, see you soon. Farah - I wish we'd gone to Embassy, see you in Sept! I miss my friends. *sob*
- My job! I love it! Even if I'm tired as hell right now.
- Opportunities.
- Clubhouse parking lot, for our spot you so generously lend us when we wanna hang out with each other.

I knew it! I need alone time! HAHA. Just read my friendster horoscope. HEHE

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Hey Missy.

I was only able to keep one stuffed toy from my childhood. My mother gave the rest away. I don't know where. I asked her if I can keep Missy because I wanted to give her to the person whom I want and choose to be with for the rest of my days. Naks.

So I gave Missy to him a couple of weeks back. It's so cute because he wont keep Missy in the bag I brought her in. He carried her in his arms like that. Imagine that. HAHA Anyhow, we were hangin' out the other day in that same spot we hung out in almost every other night. As usual, random questions, cuddling and senseless laughters. I just love it.

He said something that really made me smile that night. Actually, it makes me smile each time I remember. He told me he loves me and he loves my family too. WAH. I think I just won the love lottery. HAHAHA He's my family now too. And one day we will be a family too, with his 2 princesses and my prince. :)

"You drive me completely crazy, completely crazy for my sunset lover tonight."
- Excerpt, Sunset Lover by Josh Kelly (John Tucker Must Die Soundtrack)

Monday, April 23, 2007


My Prince,

Thank you! You've made such a major difference in my life. You've changed me in such a way that it's making my life better. You make me smile by the mere thought of you. Thank you for making me happier. I just wanted to do this now, before I forget it.


Life Plans...

I now have new plans in life. Since I shifted careers I started drawing up new goals for myself. Curiously, something or rather someone also popped into my life. I remember I said that if things fell apart between me and the ex, I'm going abroad and find my future there. And when it did end, I was in Culinary school, so I couldn't get out. It's opened doors for me, oppurtunities to become a better person. I've long since gotten over that heartbreak. And now I've met someone who can possibly be in my future, the future being in give or take 3-6 years.

Since that break up I've stopped looking into the future with thoughts of spending the rest of my life with someone. Whenever I thought of my future, I always, ALWAYS, just think of it for myself, with myself and by myself. But now, its not like that anymore. I've grown fond of thinking about the future as "our", "we" or "us", and it's quite pleasant.

Anyway I miss him right now. And it's almost breaking my heart. I've started to open my heart to him without hesitation, without fear, and with love. And now, I miss him. I miss him so badly that tears start to well up with longing. *sigh*

Friday, April 20, 2007

Thank you...

For tonight.

For loving me, and for letting me love you, the way I know how.

For your patience and understanding.

Just thank you...

I plead guilty.

I know. I was too self involved. You said it yourself, I had the tendency to be self centered. And I didn't deny it. When I read your message I had to fight back the tears. I felt your pain. It stabbed my heart, and what's even more painful was it was me who caused it.

I'm sorry. I wish there was more I can say. I wish there were more words invented to say how sorry I am for hurting you, for breaking your heart. I know it's ironic. I wished for a Prince. And then there was you. And I wanted Prince to be YOU so badly. And then I do something like this.

I didn't believe in love at first sight until I met you. I've given you my heart, but even so, I am still trying to protect it from you. Even if I have kept on repeating to myself that pain is inevitable. That I have to feel it.

I'm sorry. Forgive me for hurting you. Forgive me for all those times that you thought I didn't care. Forgive me for not loving you enough. Forgive me for holding back the love that I have for you for fear of being vulnerable to you. Forgive me. Forgive me.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

(random) Selfish...

And each man kills the thing he loves,
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword.
- Excerpt, The Valkyries - Paulo Coelho

You know you're screwed when you start asking other people what's wrong with you. Gawd, I miss Myles. I thought I was over this. I thought I was over the fear. I read and re-read that message and suddenly I thought: "Have I been robbed of my capacity to love by the things that I have experienced in my life?

I thought the Prince letters showed me I can love someone who will be my future even if I do not know who this person is yet. And now, I am here. I want him to be my Prince. Yes, I want him to be "the one" but my fears are getting the best of me.

I know what you're all going to say. Things just went too fast and now I am faced with the fact that he is a stranger. That I didn't really know him. I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to ask him the right questions, so that I get the answers that I want. Ang insensitive ko na ata.

I'm enjoying his company too much, that I haven't been thinking that he might wanna do somethings for himself. It's his mom's birthday today. I actually thought about telling him to greet her for me. But I didn't think it made much difference if I did or didn't, after all his mom doesn't really know me. If they went to the hotel, I was gonna send over something for her, but he told me last night that they weren't going to. I pretended that it was okay. Well there really wasn't anything I can do about it.

Yesterday, I was so pissed at him, because I thought he was going to come with me home. We were going to play boggle and watch some movies. But I dropped him off metro walk. My mom asked for him when I got home, I knew she was going to say something about him flaking out, so I told her I asked him to come later when it's supposedly cooler in that hellish room we all call the living room.

I dont even know what his fave color is. Or his dream car. Or what he really wanted to do with his life. I meant to ask him that, because I remembered he told me he wanted to do something and travel. But it was vague. I haven't asked if he ever wanted to become a doctor when he was younger. Or how come he doesn't change his friendster status. If he played chess, scrabble, or monopoly. I hadn't asked him if he wanted to go clubbing one time. Does he dance? Did he write a letter to Pope John Paul? Where was he during World Youth Day 1996?

Just random things. I think I lost that "girlfriend instinct". Where you ask if he's already eaten lunch, wow - buti pa pala si Patricia. Or how his day went. Maybe I'm just not the person he thought I was. Maybe he was wrong when he said he didn't deserve me. Maybe it was me who didn't deserve him. That every single guy who bullshitted me had been right about doing that, because I deserved it.

I'm a wretch.

Monday, April 16, 2007


"...You're now part of my plan in life."

Isn't it nice that someone includes you in their life's plan? WAAAH. I've become a major cynic. I've stopped including people, especially significant people in my life plan. My life plan basically consists of ME, God's plan for me, my family and my work. I've stopped including people who will potentially hurt me and leave me in my life plan. Because I don't want to have to change anything when they're gone.

But now, I've started building dreams around him, plans, praying for a future with him. Being thankful for everyday that I'm still with him, for the feelings that I have, and for the different kind of happiness that I'm experiencing right now. Okay, this blog is turning boyfriend centered again. HAHA. Cheesy. Pffft!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Happy B-day.

OMG! This is such a bad day. But at least I got to spend time with him.

Much better now.

Friday, April 13, 2007

The problem with hello is...


/ˌgʊdˈbaɪ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[good-bahy] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation interjection, noun, plural -byes.

–interjection 1. farewell (a conventional expression used at parting).
–noun 2. a farewell.

[Alteration (influenced by good day) of God be with you.]

Word History: No doubt more than one reader has wondered exactly how goodbye is derived from the phrase "God be with you." To understand this, it is helpful to see earlier forms of the expression, such as God be wy you, god b'w'y, godbwye, god buy' ye, and good-b'wy. The first word of the expression is now good and not God, for good replaced God by analogy with such expressions as good day, perhaps after people no longer had a clear idea of the original sense of the expression. A letter of 1573 written by Gabriel Harvey contains the first recorded use of goodbye: "To requite your gallonde [gallon] of godbwyes, I regive you a pottle of howdyes," recalling another contraction that is still used.

Doesn't matter I start to miss him just with that thought that I have to say goodbye...ugh. :(

Thursday, April 12, 2007

It's the end of my life...

Starting tomorrow, I will no longer have a shift just changed. I'm working from 6 AM to 2 PM. And my day off will be Tuesday. Heller?! Oh well. For just one more month. Heehee.

Will blog tomorrow. I miss him terribly. *sob*

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I am successful.

I loooove Mom and Dad! They're my aunt and uncle who I call Mom and Dad. I have learned a lot from them and they've changed the way I think or do in some way. They have influenced me in my growth as a person, who will be successful.

And a helpful, responsible, "old" boyfriend doesn't hurt too. HAHA I think the common denominator that they've all told me not be a baby anymore. Because I'm not. I'm 24. But can I still go clubbing once in a while? HEHE

Today's lesson:

Think that you are successful, that you have the money. YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL AND YOU HAVE THE MONEY.

I think, therefore I am.

I still...

Smell the scent of your perfume that somehow stuck to my shirt when you hugged me...

Feel your arms around me, in a tight hug...

Feel those sweet butterfly kisses you like to plant on my cheek, on my ear, on my mouth...

If I can be with you everyday, I'd do it...

But I don't think I'd appreciate all of which I mentioned if I had 'em everyday...


Tuesday, April 10, 2007


I remember you always told me that I can ask you anything. I can tell you my concerns and stuff. But how come when I start asking, you become irritable and offensive. Maybe it's the way I ask, or maybe the way you interpret them. Not sure.

Just wondering.

Remember, I said I was just planning? Now, I don't know how to ask anymore. *looks up*

Yooohooo! I need help down here!

Taking that step towards my future.

Today, I am taking a step towards a future that I had planned for myself. I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. But it doesn't matter I know I have to try it. There is a reason for everything. There is a time for everything.

My being OC sometimes has caused me to plan, and re-plan almost everything in my life. I am a random person who has plans! I contradict myself! But there are just some things in my life that needs careful planning. And this, is one of them. Right now, I cannot be random. My future is at stake. My whole life is in the front line.

Maybe, just maybe, from the way my life has turned around the past few months, I can still claim this to be mine. So, best of luck. :)

Someone bang my head in the wall...

How can I screw something up in less than 24 hours?! Dammit. I must be the world biggest screw up. It's the person in me who just has to get all the answers. Who just can't accept something as they are. I've become the world's most un-girlfriend. Shit.

I'm so sorry...

No, it still doesn't do right. It's not enough. Sorry isn't enough. But still...even if it doesn't do justice for the things I thought or said...I'm sorry.

Aray, pucha masakit ulit ang puso ko. Agh!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Tears welled up...

I think I now agree with a friend when he said that sex is a deal breaker in most relationships. Sex and the lack of it. I had been at crossroads. It's funny because I wasn't forced to do anything. I may have been reluctant at first but in the end it was a decision that I made. On my way home, all sorts of feelings started crowding my heart.

I gave out a sarcastic laugh at myself. I thought about all the things my friends had told me. I wanted to go to my friends house and tell her that it wasn't how I thought it would be. I wasn't relieved that I have gone ahead and took that plunge, when I thought I'd be. I'd have wanted to take that leap a long time ago, but the paranoia and the low tolerance for pain stopped me every time.

I'm overwhelmed and I had to fight back tears. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't going to cry over what happened. I wanted it. I don't regret it. I admit I wanted him to text me or call. At the back of my head I wanted him to let me know I had been wrong about some of the things that have entered and left my head and heart the last 24 hours that I stared, pondered and doodled.

I think I've wallowed over this for a while now. And it's time to let it go. The moon is still waning. I'll see where this one leads me to, where this one will lead us to. I remember what he said "I will protect you and you will protect me."

So maybe, just maybe he will be different. And I can hold on to all the things he's told me. Then maybe in his loving arms I will find comfort and peace from all of this. So, me.

Word definitions...

conquest ('kän-"kwest, 'kä[ng]-; 'kä[ng]-kw&st)
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Vulgar Latin *conquaesitus, alteration of Latin conquisitus, past participle of conquirere
1 : the act or process of conquering
2 a : something conquered; especially : territory appropriated in war b : a person whose favor or hand has been won

And so...another one bites the dust. And I got more than what I can chew.

Something I wanna remember...

When I embraced you that morning watching the sunrise, I made a promise to God that I will love you with all my heart. I am your boyfriend. If you're not satisfied with what I offer then you always have the choice to leave. I love you.

I just want to remember this...for as long as I can...for as long as I am allowed to keep this minute space in cyberworld.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Why do I love thee?

Why must loving someone always have reason? Does it really matter why? Isn't it that when you have a reason to love someone, it seems that the feelings are superficial or unreal? When I am asked this question I am ALWAYS stumped. Trapped. And then I end up thinking "Why?" When I don't really feel that I need to explain how I feel.

Can't you love someone just because it feels natural to feel that way for that person? Because it feels right to be with him? Like in his arms is the only place where I belong. I cannot say, he completes me, because I believe that the only person who completes me is myself. But it seems, I've found the answers to my life's questions when I found him. That there's no need for me to look elsewhere because it's right there. Like my existence now makes sense.

So why do I love you? It can be anywhere from the way you look at me piercingly, or the way you kiss me, or the way you demand for me to kiss you, or the way you hold me, or the way you caress me or the way you hug me tightly or the way you make me feel all giggly, girly and totally highschoolish. It could be anything.

Why do I love you, you ask?

...a taste of love, the more you get, the more you want
and all because..the only reason is just because
it all makes sense, when you're near it all makes sense...

I didn't think I'd ever feel this way again. That I'd be able to say this again. But in your arms or just being beside you...I feel like...I'm home.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Cosmic Joke.

What's new? There. I said it, I already have a boyfriend. Please? Go away! You had your shot. You were too complicated to be with from the start. And please don't go saying stuff like "I was MIA." or "It's too bad, you already have someone." like you actually find this regrettable for your part.

No. It's not bad. It's actually good I have him. I love that I have him. I love what we have, how we are, and what we are. I love us. I love him. I'm happy.

Stop saying stuff like that it's annoying. It's not making you interesting enough. Grrrr.

*rolls eyes*

I was never good with goodbyes...

I hate goodbyes. I always used to say see you later instead of goodbye. I don't like saying goodbye...especially not to him. I know I will see him again but still. Most of the time I just want to get it over with, so I can look forward to seeing him again.

Blech. No goodbyes, just see you laters...

Take that, Pa!

Friendster Horoscope

The Bottom Line
Step back from the social scene and listen to your inner voice. Center yourself.

In Detail

Constant transitioning is not an effective way to balance your life, so stop moving from point to point (or person to person) in search of answers. And stop doing only what you think others want you to do -- this will not help you reach your goals. If you truly want harmony in your life right now, you need to put things on pause and try to center yourself. Step back from the social scene and let your inner voice be heard.

Is this my sign? WAHAHAHAHA

Whaaaat?! No more partying?! NO WAY!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

I'm haunted by stupid things...

It's no secret I had a big year last year. A year that was completely, utterly, and disgustingly stupid. And it's haunting me now. Dammit.

I'm good now. I'm happy. I have someone. I have something that looks and feels right. I have something that looks like it will be something I can grow into further. And there is nothing else that I want right now than to make this work. To be with him.


If he knew, would he change his mind? Or have a change of heart?

Nasty feeling in my heart.

There it is again. That feeling that I have whenever I nearly hit something when I'm driving, yet I'm here blogging. So what is it?


I kinda want to change Prince's name to Smith. HAHAHA After Smith Jarred, remember Samantha Jones' hunky boyfriend. Absolut guy! HAHAHA Just a thought.

Dammit I can't freakin' shake the nasty feeling away!!!!

Can I keep you?

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Architecture person's dilemma...

I want a skylight in my room. Where I can see the stars at night. HAHA How to do it? And what about when the sun is out and hot?! HAHAHAHA

Darn it.

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Have you read the book Love Story by Erich Segal? It's nice book. Or should I say romance novel. There's this part there that the characters had a big fight and some hurtful things to each other. The girl left and the guy was look all over for her. When he finally found her, he started saying he was sorry. And the girl shushed him said

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
But what does it mean? People tend to take other people for granted. I am guilty of such. Sorry is one of the hardest words to say. It's humbling yourself. It is accepting a mistake.

I guess one good example is when my mom and I have a fight. We NEVER say we're sorry. But we know, we understand that it's okay. In loving hearts, I guess it's the same. You understand, that it's okay. You forgive. But it shouldn't be taken for granted.


Board exams...or bored exams...

I am thinking about taking the board exams next January 2008. Considering. Quite seriously, I must say. I have a number of reasons for wanting to do it. First, its an additional blue ribbon to my name, my dad will stop nagging me about it and will stop picking at the fact that I enjoy my job in the kitchen, I can teach History of Architecture - if I ever wanna pursue that, and lastly, it will make the rest of my family happy.

A couple of things that need to be considered though are, my empty logbook of diversified experience, my kitchen job that I LOVE to bits, I'm gonna have to put the rest of my (new) life's plan on the backseat! WAAAAAAAAAAH.

Maybe I'm just bored, again. Maybe if they give me a new toy (Nikon d80 or Canon Rebel XTI) I won't be thinking about it as much. *sigh*

I want to lie down and stare at the sky.

My Prince,

Look up! Please.

Do you see it? Beautiful, right?

Bright and luminescent...

You are much like it...

The light that brightens up the darkest crevices of my heart that swore not to love anymore...

You are my full the darkest of nights...


Tuesday, April 03, 2007


I am such a crybaby. Even when I was young, when Manel starts teasing me or starts a fight, I'd start crying. And being the bully that she is, she'd start teasing me more. I cry at movies, even if I tell myself I won't cry. I cry when Daddies cry. You know that scene at A Walk To Remember? Where Mandy's dad was talking to her when she was in the hospital? I was crying during that whole talk. I cry at sappy commercials! Even with the bitch exterior, I cry easily. Even if I tell myself not to cry, tears just start streaming down.

I was reading Ella's blog this morning, and reading all the replies. And tears started welling up and rolling down my cheeks. I swear I'm not sure if I am empathizing or sympathizing. I dunno, maybe I just felt bad for her. But I know she knows there's a reason for it.

I swear, can you have tear ducts surgically removed? HEHE

Didn't you understand?

You shit. Try reading it helps! You're always mocking me. My thoughts, my feelings, and my ramblings. A person can only take so much. I can only take so much. It's okay to try to be funny. But not at a person's expense. Because sometimes, even the numbest hearts still hurt.

Yes. I have numbed myself from the mocking. I've been called such since I was a kid. I've learned to ignore the pain and how it eats up my self-confidence. But even if that's the case, there's still that pang of pain inside me. Why did you think I wrote it down? So people can tell me to stop saying that to myself? So that my friends can tell me otherwise?

It's because, it hurt. And you just poured salt on it.

Enough already!

Am I THAT ugly? Someone wants me to lose more weight. I mean, yeah 20 more pounds off will make me happier - except my mom, because I'm going to shop, shop, and shop! There's this girl at work who wants to shape my eyebrows, I mean I do have them shaped once in a while but only when I'm at the salon already...I don't go to the salon just to have them shaped. She even suggested I get lasik treatment, which I will sometime, not for vanity but to improve my eyesight. She said she wants to do a make over on me! I'm actually okay as I am. I don't hate myself for being fat anymore, especially since I lost weight and still plan to lose more. I could use a bit of toning up but a make over? *sigh*

Lose weight, lose weight, lose weight. Yeah I know I'm fat. In fact there are only 3 people in my immediate family who isn't fat. I always ask my friends if I'm ugly and they'd say no. Then people, okay not random people but people I barely know would say stuff like lose weight, or you need a makeover. BLECH. My former dean at UST always told me I was pretty. I used to ask him for extra considerations, like overload a subject or two.

Do you know what this does to people? To me? I'm lucky that I learned not to care as much. That I have that much sense of self worth. I'm just ranting. I've had enough.

I know. I know what I lack. I know what I have. I know what I am and what I am not. I also look in the mirror. I see all the things that they tell me. They didn't have to rub it in. I already know. And I am already doing something about it. So please, just shut it. I don't want to hear any of it.

Tampon Myths...

I swear this was on the manual in a box of tampons.

Q: Will tampons break my hymen and cause me to lose my virginity?

A: No. Tampons will not tear nor break your hymen. There is a small opening in the hymen that lets menstrual fluid , and tampons are small enough to pass through this opening. You will remain a virgin until you have sexual intercourse, regardless of tampon usage.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Talk about one hell of a BMI. Have you seen a tampon? Anyway, if you have a lucid and silly imagination such as'd be thinking of what I thought about when I read the myth.


If you didn't...tough luck.

Monday, April 02, 2007

This is not about's about me...

Yes, I am doing the inner monologue. I can't help it. The bitch is just yapping and yapping. I'm practically deaf! Now that I'm in bed and waiting for sleep, I finally started thinking about what happened. There was that moment there when he just held me and we talked and he looked into my eyes and said things. I listened, it sounded painful. But I tried to dismiss the pain. It wasn't important. I told myself that this moment was mine. I had nothing to say after he said it I turned away. He peered at me and then said "April Fool's."

They say jokes are half meant. So maybe everything that he said will be true one day. I know I can't keep him. I don't own him. But I hope I will have more time. I guess it's easy for me to doubt someone, especially those I don't know much about. I guess it's a defense mechanism.

Myles once told me that unless I abandon all doubt of a person's sincerity then I cannot love that person. And I am aware of that. But this is not about him and how he feels. This is about me. This is about trusting what and how I feel. Because really, when you love someone sometimes that person wont reciprocate those feelings, and you just don't un-love him right? I do not love to loved back. I know I will be loved. I read somewhere

"Love is not about having to question how a person feels about you."
And it's true. Even my Prince has showed me that I didn't need him to be there for me to love him. I loved him even if I didn't know who he was.

Dammit I was trying to find an entry I had that had all the stuff that people tell me about love. I remembered I deleted it. HAHA. Oh well. I'm starting to rationalize again. Sorry, it's the inner monologue. Screw the inner monologue!

Beautiful today...

My Prince,

Did you see that beautiful sunrise? I was awed by it. I've never appreciated waking up early in the morning in my life more than I did today. It was a beautiful morning, made even more beautiful because of you. Because you're in my heart.

When I went out and looked up at the sky...the moon was just rising. Breathtaking...I thought of you...almost that same instant that I saw the glowing orb. It seems to light up everything around me. The dark night sky seems to be brighter.

Today, was a beautiful day. A great morning, a good start and an even better evening. It's perfect, just the way I dreamed it would be. I can't ask for anything more. Smile. Be happy today.


Serendipity, they say is destiny's sense of humor.

Dreams. I'm a dreamer. I day dream a lot. Especially on idle moments. I believe that if you can dream it, you can make it happen. Some though are mere wishful thinking.

I'd dream of Europe. All those rustic architecture, all that rich culture, not to mention guys with sexy accents! I always thought about what I'd do if someone I wanted to see or did not want to see walked into the restaurant where I worked in. I'd try to envision what I'd do.

I'd dream of moments I'd like to share with someone very special to me. Beautiful sunrises, wonderful sunsets. dinner at Antonio's, lying on the beach counting shooting stars, traveling, singing, or just enjoying each other's company.

My friends say I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe. I admit I'm an idealist. I've been hurt before and my ideals have been mocked and made fun of but it's okay. That's just the way life is. There's nothing wrong with being a romantic and dreaming of romance. I heard in a movie I once saw that

"Every woman's love story is exactly how she wants it to be."
And I guess, this is my love story. The letters, the prince and me. And whatever else that happens in between. I allowed it happen. I wanted it.

Funny, because within less than 30 minutes of writing this on my notebook and finally getting orders for the tempura I saw someone I wasn't expecting to see in front of me. So is this how destiny humors me? You. Shit. HAHAHAHA

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Gasp! Winner!

Friendster Horoscope.

The Bottom Line
Romance must take a backseat for a little while. You have other things to focus on.

In Detail
Romance might have to start taking a backseat in your life for a while -- and not because you won't have anyone interested in getting romantic with you (and vice versa). Rather, it's just that you have some more important things to deal with. Taking care of business will help you clear your mind, and will give you the energy that's necessary to open up your heart to someone else. Taking a break from wooing or being wooed will refresh your attitude, too.

Let me just clap my hands. *clap clap* Lansak!

I don't know if I'm going to jump for joy or do an egg roll. *sarcasm here* *sticks tongue out*

Saturday, March 31, 2007


I've looped this song since last night. HAHA Catchy tune. Nice lyrics. Reminds me of my Prince...HAHA. Yeah I know, I'm all about my Prince right now. Eat your heart out! Blech.

Because Of You - Ne-yo

[Verse 1:]
Want to, but I can't help it
I love the way it feels,
It's got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real
I need it when I want it, I want it when I don't
Tell myself I'll stop everyday, knowin' that I won't

I got a problem and I don't know what to do about it
Even if I did, I don't know if I would quit but I doubt it
I'm taken by the thought of it, and I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction, I'm so strung out on you
I can barely move but I like it

And it's all because of you [3X]
And it's all because...
Never get enough,
She's the sweetest drug

[Verse 2:]
Think of it every second
I can't get nothing done,
Only concern is the next time, I'm gonna get me some
Know I should stay away from, cause it's no good for me
I try and try but my obsession wont let me leave

I got a problem and I don't know what to do about it
Even if I did, I don't know if I would quit but I doubt it
I'm taken by the thought of it, and I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction, I'm so strung out on you
I can barely move but I like it

And it's all because of you (all because of you) [3X]
And it's all because...
Never get enough,
She's the sweetest drug

Ain't no doubt, so strung out [2X]
Over you, over you, over you

Because of you,
And it's all because of you,
Never get enough
She's the sweetest drug, she's the sweetest drug

A non-horny rnb song! And the don't have a lot of those. BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Someone just made my day better...

I was driving home when my phone beeped "I don't need a man...", my ring tone, teehee. I felt around for my phone and opened it. It was Farah, one of my best friends who lives in far away, Iligan, who I'm going to visit in September, with my plane tickets in my email. HAHA

"I just want you to know that where ever I am, there will never be a better friend than you."

I was startled. Thanks to the paranoia, instead of thanking her I asked her why!
"I hang out with like 4 girls who I thought were really cool. It's just disappointing to know that they are not like you. They will never be like you."

Awww...I didn't know she appreciated me that much! I mean I know we're friends and all, we've had differences, we've fought, shared secrets, got wasted, got drunk, got high grades, got bad grades and blah. It just never occurred to me I'd make THAT much of a difference to someone's life.

Thanks Farah. I love you, man. I'll see you soon. And I want you to know that I will always be your friend, no matter what. :)

Interesting morning...

Okay. I've been telling myself to breathe properly. When I woke up and checked my blog/s, I suddenly semi hyper ventilated. Anyway...okay over with. So, how does it feel? To find something you're not supposed to find? Do you feel like a pirate looking for some treasure and found it? So much for having a place to vent out stuff. Oh well.

Why am I suddenly getting a nasty feeling I'm getting played? Oh right, I am always getting played, because I would always join the game, even if I didn't understand the rules. But life has no rules. It's do or die.

So...screw it. This is not my day.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Say what?!

Lunch. Tempura Grill, Makati Ave.

He said: I think I'm in love with you.

And then stares at me, and he's been doing it for the last 30 minutes or so...

I said: You think?

And I put a hugegongous piece of ebi maki in my mouth. I had nothing to say. I mean I do but oh well. I wanted to see that sunrise first.

Ooooh yeah, he's flaking out on me on that trip. That brings down the prince points to almost nothing.

Guys are even more fickle than women. Take that! *karate chop*

I'm beyond miffed!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's you, it's me...

You never know who's waiting for you
You never know when love is coming your way
But if tonight I look again into your eyes
And it's you and it's me you love
And it's you and it's me you love

Isn't it ironic that just when you're having the time of your life being single, enjoying the freedom of not having to think about someone else's feelings, welfare, or whatnot, you meet someone and he makes you wanna be with someone again? Preferably him.

I know I said I wasn't looking for anyone...I was waiting for my Prince remember? But I can't help it. *sigh*

I'm gonna have to spank Cupid. BWAHAHAHAHA He needs to be put in a corner. HAHAHA

Oh well...

It's official...(random)

I'm sick.

I'm in love.

I'm heart soon...yes, I know so soon.

I've stopped rationalizing, so don't do it for me.

I'll be okay. The pain passes...everything passes.

Tonight...I have the moon, high above's will be enough...

Ringer ID (random)

I just attached a ringer ID to your name. It's nice to hear that tone again. HAHA.

I haven't heard it in a while.

I want to get a Brando Braganza personalized tone! HAHA

Oh well.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Coming down with...

It's there, that weird feeling in my throat. I think I'm going to be sick. I even had slight fever already last night. Too much time spent hanging out in the chiller. NYAHAHA. I don't want to be sick. I only have less than 2 months till my contract ends. I wont know what I'm going to do after yet.

Oh well. Dammit I have plans and it looks bleak. I appreciate that my friends want to go out but I want to get away. Teehee. I'm blowing hot and cold again. Last week I was ranting because they couldn't go out.

Maybe I'm just pms-ing. Blah.

Random thoughts...

Can you walk the whole nine yards?

You scare me. I didn't know I was going to feel this way.

I had been scared that I might not be ready when my Prince comes. A friend actually told me that I will be.

And I was. I had been ready to embrace falling in love with you.

Alas! Suddenly, I am scared not of the feeling but of you...

I guess you had not been how I imagined you to be.

You're different. It's like I don't know exactly what to feel around you.

You annoy me with your excessive cockiness, yet, somehow its what draws me to you...

You surprise me with your sweetness. And the way you reacted to my letters.

The sound of your laugh would ring in my ear...or your voice.

There is no doubt I want you in my life...

But, the question is, do you want me just the same?