Tuesday, August 22, 2006

How to trust, how to love...again?

After getting hurt from a past relationship, how does one trust again? How does one person learn to open up to another again? With all the scars from your previous relationship visible and haunting you, how do you give yourself the chance to be happy again? When you have all of these doubts that this next person might hurt you the same way the last time did?

Who am I kidding?! My ex still hurt me, I doubt he knows it. And now all I see is the deception that lies within even if it's not there. And it's not helping that the guys I've been meeting has deception written all over their faces. The monster called doubt is eating me up.

This is the reason I hate men (guys, boys shmuck) right now. I hear words without meaning. They talk alot but dont do much. They sneak around thinking they wont hurt anyone, that no one will know. But something always tells me there is a catch. Something to stop me from even trying to get to know them better. And then after awhle it's all across my face. My intuition had been right. They are a bunch of good for nothings.

I am so screwed. At the rate I am going it's gonna take me forever to find someone to love. And someone to love me.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Love is...

Today someone asked me what love is for me...here's what I said.

Love is when you're willing to compromise your beliefs to meet a person halfway. When you kiss that person you feel like you're "home". And even if everything is not okay just hearing that person say that everything will be okay you still believe him. Love is when you're still aiming to be the best for yourself, because you know he's with you 100%. Love is promises kept. Love is every little thing that is appreciated. And love is trustworthy, honest, loyal and faithful.

He said:
Love is the..will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's and others life..love is not a feeling

I say.
It's more than a feeling. Its in everything that you do and dont do...everything you dont say and say. It's more than "feeling" that it's love.

And we came to a conclusion: Love is relative.

And so. We're screwed. HAHA

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Coffee always does it for me.

My cousin decided he can treat mom and me to coffee. So at 10 PM we drove to Starbucks at The Clubhouse in QC. I like that place. It's more mellow than the other Starbucks. Except Starbucks Tagaytay. Hehe. I ordered my usual since it came out. Caramel Java Chip and a Caramel Waffle. Starbucks always chases my blues away. Hehe. I know I'm such a sell out because I patronize Starbucks. But I love it.

Anyway so since my mom was around I didn't puff a smoke and did not talk about the things I usually talk to my cousin about. Well...today I'm missing him. Yeah him. So not right. Especially when you've soo decided to just let it go. Anyway...that's okay. Am I allowed to miss him once in a while? It will be almost a year after that horrid day last year. I'm supposed to be over it...but I'm not completely there yet. But I will be. Maybe its because the constant distraction at the goal...which is also him...when he texts me, or sends me an IM or whatever.

I wanna get out and run as far away as I can from him and all of our memories...good or bad they are nightmares to me now.

And meeting a-hole guys right now is sooo not helping me.

I hate men.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Stupid, stupid me...

I cant seem to figure out this person. One minute he's so attentive, the next he's not. So okay he's busy and all...according to him. Oh well...I will never really know. I dont get him, at times...seriously he confuses me. Is he really into me?

I mean come on stop playing these games...it's been going on for years. It's either a yes or a no. Go figure.

I dont know why I even bother...

Thursday, August 10, 2006


Life is a rollercoaster. My emotions are on rollercoaster...there are days when I just cant help but be so happy. There are days like this. Its like I'm so spaced out. Cluttered head. Argh. Random thoughts time.

- I want to work overseas. How? Will there be an available job to possible apply in? I heard about Shanghai. I'll go anywhere.

- There's the ex issue. I sometimes still find myself thinking of him. Enough. It should be enough.

- Business. I want one. I need one.

- I want to buy quite a couple of things but I don't want to ask for money anymore. Folks spend for school, orthodontia, and then surgery...

- Surgery...I'm scared.

- I miss someone and no it's not my ex. But oh well. Guess he doesn't miss me you know.

- I miss some friends at the same time, I also resent them for being so busy.

- I want coffee.

- I maybe coming down with colds. Argh.

- I need to get out of this house...seriously.

- Is there anybody who can love me?

- I want to be happy.

- I miss ME.

- I should stop...

Monday, August 07, 2006

Today everything will change.

I made a decision several months ago.

1. To let go.
2. To have faith.
3. To stop hurting.
4. To forgive myself.

I dont know why I was back in that rut that I was shoved into the first quarter of 2006. But I dont want to move forward with pain my heart and with eyes that no longer lights up to the what the world shows her.

I used to be a happy person. Until I let myself drown in someone else's personality. Until I let him conquer me. And I want myself back. Not a fake "self" but what I was. Before all of this...when I was still whole.

I should be a like a phoenix...able to rise from my own ashes and be a better person...a phoenix that of which tears' can heal wounds...even those that are deep in my heart...

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Hoping and trying not to hope.

Trying to shake off all hopes of hearing from him again. Weird. I know I asked for it but it's just that I had hoped for an answered prayer. Maybe my prayers dont go all the way up to heaven.

Are feelings really that fleeting, that one minute you feel so miserable after having lost someone because of your doing and then feeling like nothing happened the next minute?

I'm depressed and lost. I hate myelf for believing you. Maybe someone can just show me the way to be loved.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

One Tree Hill episode 317

I was watching OTH earlier. The episode was the aftermath of the shootout last episode. I just realized that even the most beautiful, popular or sought after girl also waits to be loved. Brooke is the most popular girl in Tree Hill High. And she's dating Lucas, who cheated on her with her bestfriend Peyton, who at this episode pushes her because of his issues. But when he approached her to say sorry and make up for his crappy attitude Brooke welcomes him and forgives him because she loves him.

Why? Why do we allow people to treat us this way?

Anyway I am fully aware that OTH is just a show but some of the things that happen to them reflects what happens even if there are not hefty paychecks, lights and cameras.

That even if you're beautiful, popular, desirable and etc. When it comes to loving...we all wait patiently...