People I Admire.

This is an excerpt from my personal journal. I only admire a handful of people, whom I know personally, in my life. This is who and why:

Mom - Takes care of the family, patient, understanding and tries her best.

Papa - He is my best example of unconditional love, good provider.

My fave aunt - imparts knowledge and wisdom to others, selfless, optimistic, succesful and humble.

My fave uncle - Inspires others to be the person that they can be, optimistic, full of wisdom.

My Boyfriend - He has a great ability to love, understanding and patient to an extent, Optimistic, motivates me to be the woman I can be, sees the good in me even the ones I can't see.

Antonette Maniquis - HANDS DOWN, the best friend one can have!

Manel Castro - Hardworking, determined, great friend, listens well.

Kevin Pajado - Reliable, understanding, and he's a good man.

Farah Abu (singit lang to hehe) - Independent, creative, great company, great friend, honest, tough even with the frail exterior, fighter.

My commitment to change.

Let's face it, we all have things in us that doesn't help us blossom into the wonderful beings that we are and should be. I know I do, and I am fully aware of them. Plus, the fact that it's practically getting drilled to my head by my ever reliable boyfriend.

My commitment to change is 5 days in a week. But I'm not sure if I am actually achieving this. I think I need to recheck my contract with myself. But the thing is how exactly do you just stop being what you've been used to be BE? Get it?

My boyfriend, he just says "Get over it!" or "Then change it!" And I think at that instant he expects me to just be "over" with it or that I "change" it. Whatever that is. But it's really not easy. I doubt he ever does that.

You know how they say, "Old habits die hard."? I guess, it's got a lot to do with how determined I am to change and to accept these changes in my life. I have to detach myself. And that's just what my fuckin' problem, I can't detach easily, it's always a struggle.

My Vision Splendid.

I've been reading this book BE, and one of the questions there is: What's your vision splendid? How do you see yourself? What kind of people are you with? What are you doing? Where do you live?

I smile, I close my eyes and I start to see my life's vision, where I want to go, what I'm aiming for now: I want to be able to enjoy my life with my family while being able to enjoy my life's passion for cooking.

I used to worry so much about the future. That I may not be able to achieve it. The book's opened my eyes to the possibilities, it's taught me to believe in the abundance of the world, so I may be able to enjoy it. I realized that I've so much baggage to let go of to be able to travel light, not be slowed down or be worn out by all that excess and unwanted thoughts and feelings. I have a lot of dreams and aspiration and to achieve them I have to believe and see myself doing them.

Yes, believe in the abundance of the world.

Intuition and Cynicism?

Sometimes, when I'd get to thinking about things, recently about my relationship I'd have "unwanted thoughts" come into my head. You know the usual things like, does my boyfriend really love me? Is he cheating on me? Does his "girl friends" know he already has a girlfriend? And the list can just go on every night. You get my drift?

I'd guess, I'd have to say it stems from previous failed relationships. Guilt on something that I've done in the past, maybe I've overlooked a possible bad karma. So I began to wonder, is it intuition? Or pessimism and cynicism?

How do you tell which is which? Once or twice in the past my intuition or paranoia had been right when it started nagging on me that my ex was cheating on me. And they say that a woman's intuition is so strong, it's almost always right. There had been time's I've proven that. So when can you call it intuition? When are you just being paranoid?

Things to do:

Random order:

1. Land a job.
2. Study kaballah.
3. Read the Coelho books I was given last Christmas.
4. Scan all my recipes, encode and add necessary notes and pictures.
5. Get notes from Sonia.
6. Pamper myself. (I seriously need to chillax.)
7. Take pictures.
8. Spend time with some friends.
9. Sponsor a thanksgiving mass.
10. Cook for my boyfriend's mom.
11. Cook for my boyfriend. Teehee.
12. Host a dinner with select friends.
13. Get away with my boyfriend. Somewhere with sun, sand and sea!
14. Shop for myself. Hehe (Books, lingerie, jeans, shoes, flipflops, sandals)
15. Buy my boyfriend a birthday gift.

Top priority is the job so I can do number 15. Nyahehehehe.

BE.

Lately, I've been reading a book titled "BE" by A.C Ping. I'm picking up a lot of things from it, but the problem is I don't quite know how to apply to my everyday life. Take for example what happened the last couple of days, how do you stop reacting to that?

When I opened my friendster page, I saw that my boyfriend has updated his profile 2 days ago. Naturally as I always do I clicked on his profile to see what was new. To my surprise he's changed his status from in a relationship to single. And even before I can start telling myself that it was just a profile, I had already started feeling a pang of pain in my heart. I started resenting him for a lot of things that I have kept from him, things that had me feeling bad about myself as his girlfriend.

And while reading the book, I came across a chapter that talked about not falling prey to these sort of reactions. They leave you distressed, bothered and miserable. And truthfully, the last couple of days, I have not spoken properly to him. I was miserable, I cried every night until I fell asleep, and I thought about all sorts of nasty things he can be doing behind my back, without any proof that he was actually doing anything.

So how exactly do you stop reacting to these things, where your heart is already being stirred before your brain can even start analyzing and rationalizing the situation? And I wondered how the author learned to do all of the things he's written in the book, what sort of experiences did he go through to achieve that much wisdom?

I wish I can be like that. I wish I had that much power. Not to be a slave to my emotions. Not to cling so much to something or someone, because these things aren't permanent. To act on my vision, to act on my passions, to stand up to my values and principles. I'd like to believe that I could...BE.

Can I mean something else to someone?

You know that feeling that even when he tells you he loves you, you just can't help but feel insignificant? Yes, I'm having one of those. It's been three months of bliss, anxiety, petty fights and what not.

I don't question that he loves me. But sometimes, there's just things that he does that makes me momentarily numb up. Reel from that pang of pain I feel. I'm sure he doesn't mean, maybe half the time he is unaware. So I chose to keep it. To nurse the pain away, but then it happens again. And again, and you just can't help it anymore. You break down.

To some it's nothing. And I tried to make it seem like nothing several times. Talked myself down, consoled myself, slapped myself several times just to shake it all off. I smiled. Sometimes, I think I smiled too hard.

Sometimes, I hate myself for looking at things that can possibly hurt me. Yes, I saw you updated your profile, added a picture and I clicked to see what was new. Then there it was, nahulog ang puso ko. The questions and pain started to well up, the instantaneous effort to tell myself it's nothing and the fighting back of tears. Pain. I have very low tolerance for pain, and my emotional pain translates to physical pain because I try to keep it locked up inside. Instead of crying, I fought back the urge. I started having difficulty breathing, and I felt defeated. Tears started to stream down my cheeks.

A friend of mine said it's just a profile. But why does it cause me so much pain? He is right. Another friend said it's not JUST a profile. When your heart can't shake the feeling off then it matters.

So ultimately, I asked myself:

Who am I to this person?

Is my pain worth it, whatever he is thinking or doing?

When is he going to be proud to be with me?

If he thought that I was too much for him, then why does he end up taking these feelings for granted?

Where do I stand?

Why does it seem that he still wants to be with other girls, because it seems he still wants them to think he didn't have anyone?

I didn't force him to be with me, he was the one who made that choice, right? So why do I deserve this?

I want my own life.

I'm 24. I know I'm an only child, but I've already lived most of my life trying to please this entire family. It's time to live it my style. I know I still have to follow the rules, it's your house anyway, but still. I know some people who still lived with their parents but still enjoy their lives without having to endure half an hour or so of sermon, or cussing.

I'm 24. I'm no longer your baby girl. I'm entitled to mistakes and lessons. I'm entitled to a night or two of partying. I've never gone home drunk. I've never drank and driven the car home. I never came home with news that I rammed the car somewhere. You've never been summoned to a precinct or hospital because something bad has happened to me. I've been able to take care of myself.

I just want to live a little bit, without having to come home to a bunch of people berating me for it.

I've just been to Moonlane Gardens...

I know, I know. I've ranted about the unexplainable ties that bind my bff and these guys. One of the reasons why some friendships have been forgotten and left broken. But, I admit that I had good times with them, under the influence of course! HAHA And I am happy for the blessings that they have received. It's very much deserved by them. Talented bunch of people.

It's been fun seeing those people I used to hang out with all the time before. I don't really get to see them much, since I haven't gone to any gigs the past months. I missed some faces but nonetheless it was fun. I found myself lost and alone a couple of times. It felt like I went to the bar alone. One of those things I said I'd do before I die. HAHA Well, I did go to the bar alone but I was meeting friends, but since they're busy and waaay too involved with the launch I wasn't going to get in the way of that. So I stood in some corner smiling and saying hi to those they introduced to me, watching and laughing at the scene before me.

It's official, I'm old. My ears started to ring from the blaring speakers, I started to wish I had earplugs. I didn't quite enjoy it as much as I used to. But I'm there for support and some good ol' music. :) It's a nice break from dinner, coffee and doing whatever my boyfriend wanted to do. :) Maybe I should go back to embassy next time. HAHA. See, if I have indeed outgrown it. But I know time and again I'd feel the need to party like I used to.

And oh, there's this scary looking foreigner who'd bump into me to mouth "Galing noh?" or "Bulacan, yeah!" Bleaurgh! Seriously. I ended up nodding my head and smiling. I inched away from him the first chance I got! HAHAHA

Now we all know how to go there! Grab a bottle of beer or vodka, we're all walking! :)

PS: Please get yourselves a copy of Moonlane Gardens Orange and Lemons' 3rd album!

I broke my heart.

I was with him yesterday. I wasn't feeling well but I willed myself to go see him, because I missed him. When I was with him na and when I told him that I wanted to go to mass first he started walking fast. He actually left me to look at his back briskly walking past, not even caring to look back to see where I was. And then I wondered if he'll notice if I was no longer following him, would he look for me if I suddenly left. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I began to pray to God to make him look back and stop and wait for me, but he didn't. He stopped only when he found that there was no mass. So he waited until I got to where the chapel is to tell me. And he proceeded inside. I sat a couple of pews from where he sat. And I prayed. After I stared at his back. And began to ask God why things are changing between us. I watched him, and I remembered how I prayed to God for someone to love and someone to love me. And how right then and there I felt us drifting apart. And how my heart ached at this thought. A few more minutes, I watched him take his glasses off and he knelt to pray. I contemplated if I will wait for him to finish or if I'm going to sit beside him and wait there. After while I stood up and sat beside him. I tried to meditate. But I couldn't, I was consumed by the sadness that I felt. He took my hand and I dismissed the feeling. I chose to enjoy being with him.

Today, I told him I was letting him go. I don't know if I made the right decision. Surely, after I've cried all the tears I can afford to cry, I will hate myself for choosing to set him free. But I don't want to hurt anymore. And I don't want to hurt him anymore. I can see in his eyes that he's not happy. His eyes didn't sparkle when he looked at me. It used to, and how I loved it when it does. It's been 2 months and I still don't know how to talk to him about how I felt. We never talked about how we felt.

I admit, I wish I can take it back. But the ball is now in his court, he can choose to play the game or to stop. But maybe getting no reaction from him is enough, and I can start speculating about how he truly felt about me, about us. God, I wish he'd choose to stick it through. But wishing doesn't do anything.

It's painful, to wait, here. To wait and then find out that it's exactly what he's been wanting to hear. It's painful to wait and feel your world crumbling down, slowly, painfully taking it's time. And what kills is that maybe to him, it's like nothing happened. While I'm...dying.

...

My Prince,

I miss you.

My heart bleeds from the longing I feel.

My Prince, I miss you...