Friday, December 09, 2011

I was right about you all along. The past 2 years I tried my best to trust you and to ignore my intuition, but now you just proved to me that I was stupid to do that. I should have left you a long time ago and I shouldnt have let myself get sucked back in to a relationship that was nothing but built on empty promises.

I hope she knows that you promised me you would never leave me, that I was your forever, that I was single person you had wanted to spend forever with. I know you would tell her your sob story of how you were abused by me, but you wouldnt tell her what you did that led to that. You will be blinded by your own so called twisted values and principles that even if something is clearly wrong you will make it seem like it was still right, by your values and principles.

I hope she knows that you have left me in false hopes that we can be together again by refusing to say that it is over. That instead you said, lets see how things go after a year, like you did to the girl before me. You're own friends themselves told me they were surprised to learn about me, esp since not long before you started to bring me along with you - all you ever talked about was the girl you were supposedly no longer with before we got together.

You played your role well. And I know you would say the same things to the new one, the same ones you said to me. Things like: I thought about this, I consulted, I asked for guidance, I prayed - I'm all in. I will never break your heart. I will love you forever. And my personal favorite: I don't want to be your first, I want to be your last. You would claim you have never said that to anyone else, or felt that before but in reality you already told this very same lines to someone else.

I was right about you all along. I fought a war against myself trying to defend you because I loved you and in the end you proved to me you werent worth it.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Great Loves.

What do we really know about great loves? Sex And The City once said that you only have two great loves. But how do we know that is indeed a great love. You see once or twice I claimed that someone was my great love. But now I wonder what I knew of it since I concluded they were my great love when I barely even knew them. When the relationship was at it's happiest, when problems were not existent yet, and everything was all butterflies.

So, did I really know anything about great loves? Or did I just conclude from the idealogy that had always filled my head? It may be the latter. Maybe it is the desire to find that kind of love. That's why I would mindlessly say "You are my great love." Without really knowing what it meant, what it took to be able to say that that was indeed a great love.

I imagine a great love to be that of Carrie and Big, wouldn't you say? After 10 long tumultous years of being lovers and then friends and then somewhere in between, it was still the two of them all along. And just when they were getting married too, Big decided to screw up but STILL in the end it was STILL the both of them all along.

I guess it's suffice to say that alot of times I have no idea what I am saying to someone else or to myself. And I should stop doing that so that I wont be clouding my head with ridiculous thoughts of fairy tales and idealism.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

Tonight I can write the saddest lines
by: Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


I want to say goodbye. Not because I dont love you anymore, or that I don't believe that you will find me but because I need to grow up. I need to stop living like I'm in a fairy tale. Because I am not. But thank you for showing me myself. I will still be here waiting for you.

I will never forget you. Until we meet.

Smile. Someone loves you. Please be happy!!