Happy New Year.

Well not really. But I have to make sure it will be better than last year. The New Year is only today anyway.

Tomorrow it's no longer new.

New Year.

44 Minutes till the January 1. It's a brand new year. A brand new start. A year where I can be the person that I can be.

But I'm dying inside. Please let me live again.

The year is only new on January 1. On the second it's old news. I will make my year better, despite and inspite of...

This is the second new year that I feel like I died.

Someday IS TODAY.

Someday by Nina

Someday you'll gonna realize
One day you'll see this through my eyes
But then I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't

I know
You don't really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

Chorus
Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

Right now
I know you can tell
I'm down,and I'm not doin' well
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

Chorus
Coz someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, I know someone's gonna be there
Someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I want you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday

***
I am just loving this song right now. It sums up what I felt then and how feel now. How I longed for "someday" and finally it's right infront me. I wonder how long it has been standing there.

I admit I am plagued by some what ifs. What if he realized this when I was still in love with him? Those kinds of what if's. I finally told my mom that I spoke to him. She said "Move on. You don't have a future with him." It was a really superficial comment. I so know my mom. But in a ways yes, she is right. I just dont see the person that I saw in him before.

***
It's 5 days till the end of the year. I wonder what 2007 has in store for me...I'm excited! I've never been this excited since I enrolled in culinary school! WOOOOT! First on my to do list would be to find a job. Teehee.

One biatchin' Thank You!

As all of you who had been reading my friendster blog know, I got the idea of doing thank you's from Oprah. She writes five things she is thankful for everyday. It's the end of the year and I just want to be able to say my heartfelt thanks.

So THANK YOU (I praise God - because he gave me these blessings.) :
~ For a family who has always been there through it all, even if for most of it they just watched me stumble, make my own mistakes and learn valuable lessons. Not because they didn't want to help, it was because they wanted to help me. For all the support morally, financially, emotionally, for spending on Culinary School, for spending on my competetions, exams, and extras.

~ For my friends. TOPAC, I know it's not exactly how we pictured our friendship to be where it is right now, nevertheless, you're all friends of mine and I value our friendships. Thank you for being there, for listening and for taking the time to welcome me into your circle. Ella, AJ, Mark and Myles - my pex angels. Thank you for listening to my endless whines, cries for help, what have you. Farah - for always being there. Manel - for being there all these years, even with med school looming over you. HEHE Kevin - for all the times I called you and you were asleep, for patiently listening to me tell you the same story over and over again. Thank you.

~ For the heartaches, lessons and for allowing me to see the 2 sides of life. The good and the bad side. I learned valuable lessons first hand.

~ For those people who may have caused me pain, intentionally or unintentionally. I still thank you because I've finally become the person that I ought to be. I am finally ready for someone.

~ For that someone, for all the pain you endured, being my friend. Thank you for your patience, for your kindness, for everything that you said and didn't say. Thank you.

~ For a new hobby! For being able to learn it this time. It may take a little bit more time but it is never too late to learn something new.

~ For my Culinary school friends and classmates. Thank you for the lessons imparted while working together in the kitchen, for cooperating when I was EC, for allowing me the pleasure of your company for 1 year.

~ For the Chefs, for imparting knowledge, pushing us to do our best and for endless yells, preaching and several banged pans. Thank you for sharing what you know and for sharing your gifts to us.

If I forgot anything or anyone. Please don't take offense. It doesn't mean that I dont thank you and thank God for you. Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year!

The ghost of Christmas past.

This day is really interesting. Two people from the past spoke to me today. I feel like I am hunted down for a reason. It's like the universe is saying something, yelling "Achtung! Rica!"

And then a cliche past is past. It has no business in the present.

It's nearly the end.

Boy, 2006 is probably my best and worst year. It was a year full of lessons, oppurtunities and I must say that I will never be who I am today if it were not for everything that I learned and that happened to me this year. Grateful as I am I still cringe at the sight of myself the first quarter of the year. I still cringe when I remember how down I was. How people pitied me at my lowest, and how some of them helped me. Some lessons I learned:

~ Friends come in the most unexpected way. - There are people in my life now that I never really got the chance to get to know if it not had been for that great grief that I let myself wallow into for awhile. There are also people in my life whom I may not have known my whole life but also helped me become a better person by imparting lessons and listening to my endless whining.

~ Drugs doesn't solve anything. - Although it had been quite a euphoric experience, no I didn't try anything remotely over the top drugs, it was still a very bad habit. I stuck to weed, v and shrooms. And since that part of my life is over and done with then it's over.

~ Push yourself to be on top always. - Not because you want to be ahead of everyone else, or because you're competing with someone, but because you want to be able to push yourself to your limit. To see that you're good enough. Don't limit yourself, especiallu if presented with oppurtunities to blossom.

~ Just because someone treated you unfairly, it is not reason for you to treat him poorly as well. - Yes, think of karma. You're not earning good karma. Don't repay evil deeds with more evil ones. Because they will pay it forward. HEHE I will stop from being evil already. Swear.

~ Don't complicate your life. - Pray, do your best and God will do the rest. Don't always think that life is hard, unfair and complicated. Sometimes it is the choices we make that complicate our lives.

~ It's okay to set standards, to raise the bar. - You of all people would know what you deserve and what you don't deserve.

*I must try not to forget to write a thank you by the year ends. HEHE This is one bitchin' thanks!

Found this on yahoo.com

The Triple A's of a Great Relationship
Posted by Dr. Laura Berman on Tue, Dec 12, 2006, 4:51 pm PST

Couples can lose the spark for every reason under the sun. They get too busy with work or kids. They forget the little things, like kisses and small thank you's. Most relationship splits don't come down to a dramatic, life-shattering problem. Rather, it's the gradual slip of each partner's behavior that does it.

I've got an easy formula that will put some life back into any lukewarm relationship. I call it The
Three A's of Relationship Rescue:

The first ‘A' is for Appreciation. Both sexes benefit from getting back to the sweet adoration of early love. In those days it was effortless. You rocked each other's world without even trying to. Every gesture was met with the simplest of relationship life-preservers: gratitude. Ultimately, showing appreciation makes the other person feel seen and heard. You feel like you matter. In the workaday of chores, errands, bills and whose turn it is to take the dog out, appreciation can go right out the window. You're both so busy that you start to take what the other person is doing for granted. Take a step back and say ‘thank-you' more than you might. Think of something everyday that your partner did and thank him or her for it-even on the bad days! It will help you weather the storms of love. (I always, always appreciate! And appreciate being appreciated.)

The second ‘A' is for Attention. This one is more for the guys. Remember how much you used to court your partner in the beginning? Every date was an event. Every absence a tragedy. It helps to bring back some of that urgency and romance to what's going on now. If you haven't brought home flowers for no particular reason since the last Leap Year, please head directly to the florist. If you never call just to say I love you, pick up the phone. Women want to feel cared for and loved and cherished-and not just when you're trying to get sex or make something up to her. Little gestures of seduction, with no expectations, will go a long way towards reigniting her attraction to you. Why not plan to do something nice every week? The more a woman feels that her partner is tuning into her emotionally, by helping with the kids or the house or doing something sweet, the more apt she is to be sexual. Need any more reasons? (I just loooove attention! Hehe. Yeah screw me, I am an attention whore!)

The last ‘A' is for Appearance. Ladies, do you remember how much effort you put into your looks at the beginning of your relationship? I'll bet that a day at the ballgame got more effort than your anniversary does these days! Men are visual creatures. Your hair, your body, your appearance is what caught his interest in the first place. As I like to say, if you've let yourself go, your partner may still love you, but he's not going to lust you. And sorry, but kids and cooking dinner and all of that other stuff is not an excuse for looking disheveled on a regular basis. Your appearance needs to once again become a priority! In fact, when you keep yourself looking good on a daily basis, it becomes a habit. Don't reserve looking nice for a special occasion. It sends the message that you only care in a way that's strategic, designed to appease him rather than prioritize a fundamental part of his attraction to you. It will also make you feel better about yourself to stop making excuses. Eat right, put on a little mascara and lip gloss, and shave your legs more than once a week!And men don't get off the hook here. While the visual is not quite as important to women, generally speaking, no one wants a slovenly partner. Beer guts, untended nose hair, and clothing from the mid-90s are serious offenses! If you expect her to look good, please do the same. (Seriously, I am going on a diet!!!)

Ultimately, a healthy relationship is what's going to drive your passion for each other, which is what's going to rev the engine of a healthy relationship!

Artist's block or Is that writer's block?

Whatever you call it, I think I have it now.

I havent been able to take decent pictures recently.

We make life complicated.

My mom once told me "Life is simple. You pray, do your best and hope for the best. It is us who make it hard and complicated." She's right. I realized that I made myself miserable the past few days when it's so easy to be happy. I swear I laughed at this realization last night.

It's easy I just loop all my Backstreet Boys songs and it takes me back to the time where in buying the latest issue of Bop or Big Bopper was the only thing that mattered to me. Remebering those years brings back fond memories. I always wished that life were that simple. But life is still simple it is us who brings complications, depression and angst into our lives. Then we immediately blame "life" for being a bitch. And yes, I've done that loads of times.

I will now try to uncomplicate my life. I guess it's time I stop trying to get everything that I wanted. Because we all know that not everything you want is good for you. Instead, just count my blessings. And teach myself to be contented with what I have and can't have.

New year's resolutions:
1. Uncomplicate my life.
2. Go to church on sundays.
3. Lose weight.

Those look like doable resolutions, dont they?

Emotional torture.

I've long since vowed that I didn't want to feel this way anymore. It's hell. But I'm a woman. Women have that incessant need to feel everything. I have that incessant need to analyze everything. I ponder endlessly. What do you think I do before I sleep and before I get out of my bed, those moments before sleeping and when I wake up where I just stare at my ceiling? Which explains why I am almost always late.

I didn't get to sleep last night. I slept at around 9 PM but I woke up at around 12 AM, crying. I forgot why, I think I was dreaming. I can't remember my dream though. But I remember fighting the urge to cry the whole afternoon. I can barely breathe. I can hear my phone ringing, for a moment I actually hated hearing my ring tone. It meant that he was either texting me or calling me. And I wanted to shut him off just as he shut me off, but my good nature(?), or maybe pathetic nature got the best of me. And what's sucks more about this suckfest is that I can't tell anyone. Why? I didn't want to explain to anyone what was happening, because I wont know how to start.

It's hard for me to dismiss thoughts because I am emotionally attached to these thoughts. And I'm not an emotional alchemist. And I am trying my damn best convincing myself that nothing is wrong when it seems like every braincell I have is screaming that I have to get to the bottom of this. And it's emotionally draining me.

I tried to go back to sleep. I blogged to get all the rage out. But I couldn't sleep everytime I closed my eyes I felt tears rolling down my temple. So, I ended up watching Charmed dvd's. Gawd, it was a long night.

Patience is a virtue.

It seems that I always end up waiting. Either, waiting for someone to change, waiting for something to come my way, waiting for someone to make a decision about something so I can also make mine, or waiting for someone to show up. What's with the waiting game? Life is short and one shouldn't be waiting as much as I have.

I realize that I am made to wait because they know I will wait for them, it or whatever it is. But I'm tired of standing here at my post waiting for any of those things to come to me. Deep inside I know I have to do something about it already. Maybe it's time to move on already, see what else life has in store for me.

Or maybe it's time for my alone trip anywhere.

A phone call from an old friend.

I had spoken to my old friend, Nilo. I knew him from high school, we sang together in the school choir. He's an Architect now. He was actually encouraging me to still take the board exams. I reckon he doesn't want me to sell my architecture stuff. But what the hell am I supposed to do with it?

It feels good that someone actually believes I can do that licensure exams even if I myself don't believe in myself enough to actually start considering to take the exams. Is it the end of that dream? I wish him well.

I am thankful for friends like him. He didn't abandon me during my thesis days. Actually I had a lot of help during my thesis. Anyway, I am glad I returned his call.

Art materials.

I have fuckin' loads of art materials stowed away in boxes from back when I was still in Architecture. Dammit how do I get rid of them? AGH! Anyway if anyone is interested haller at me yah! Havent even used some of them.

Anyway, I am totally irritated at someone. A friend actually. AGH! Seriously, she has to work on her lying. I think she forgets it's me who she's talking to.

Needing and Loving.

I read these two words in one single message last night. It seems that when you love, you also need or when you need, you love. I'm not sure that this is the case all the time. Some can just love. Some just need. And some make that choice to love and need someone at the same time.

Needing someone. Does needing a person mean that you love that person? You need your subordinates at work? Does it mean you love them? Even that green eyed monster who is after your post? No, right? You just keep it civil with some of them because you need them. I admit I have friends I keep because I know that one day I am going to need that person for something. And vice versa.

Loving someone. Does loving a person mean that you need that person? Well there's that saying that says "Immature love is I love you because I need you, and mature love is I need you because I love you." Can you really just love without needing? It's human nature to need love. It's one aspect of life that all of us pines and longs after, taking for granted all the other people who love us. I think you can love without needing. I love my friends even if I didn't need them for something. Keeping that friendship doesn't mean that I only need them.

I learned that loving and needing is also a feeling that goes away, after sometime. You think you can't function with a person out of your life. But you're wrong, you still can. You don't need that person's presence to be successful. You just WANT him to be there, because you love him. There's a difference between really needing and wanting something or someone. Needing for me is a choice one has to make.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and everyone is in your life for a reason. Everyone that I keep in my life and everyone I turn away was my choice. It wasn't because I didn't need them or I didn't love them enough. Some may have even served their purpose, and that is to teach me something I'd find valuable.

Happy Feet.

Can you believe that my cousin treated us to see a movie? Oh well, I treated them to dinner and I spent more that he did. But it was fun hangin' out with them. We dont hang out much anymore. And since I havent got friends in our village, since we all got over each other, I usually hang out with Don and Martin.

The movie was funny, I was laughing for the most part. I can hear them laugh too. But Martin is annoying his phone kept ringing, it was fuckin' rude. >:|

It's December. I dont feel Christmas-y. All I know is, and all I am looking foward to is I'm seeing him before the year ends...he promised.

Christmas Wishlist.

It's December!!! I just wanna write what I want this christmas. I'm currently listening to All I Want For Christmas Is You. Made me think about what I wanted for christmas. In order of the odds I'd actually get them. HEHE

1. Only one person can do this for me. He knows what it is.
2. A job. A commis job.
3. Mazda 3 Hatchback
4. Sony Alpha 100w with 2 GB memory stick
5. Plane Tickets to Bora bora!
6. Grand Livre de Cuisine Alain Ducasse's Culinary Encyclopedia and Grand Livre de Cuisine Alain Ducasse's Desserts and Pastries
7. iPod video 80 GB
8. SE K800i
9. Paulo Coelho's The Zahir and The Devil And Miss Prym
10. Mitch Alboom's Book - For One More Day, Tuesdays with Morrie, The Five People You Meet In Heaven
11. A slammin night out with mah girls!

Please Lord, I'd settle for Number 1 and Number 2!