Thursday, July 31, 2008

Take A Bow

By Rihanna

Ohh, how about a round of applause,
Yeah, standin’ ovation,
Ooh ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

[Verse 1]
You look so dumb right now,
Standin’ outside my house,
Tryin’ to apologize,
You’re so ugly when you cry,
Please, just cut it out.

Don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not,
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught,
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh ohh.

[Verse 2]
Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone),
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on (come on),
Talkin’ ’bout girl, I love you, you’re the one,
This just looks like the re-run,
Please, what else is on.

And don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not (mmm),
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught (mmm),
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh.

And the award for the best liar goes to you (goes to you),
For makin’ me believe that you could be faithful to me,
Let’s hear your speech out,
How about a round of applause,
A standin’ ovation.

But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow.

But it’s over now.


Ehem. Song is nice. No further comment.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Why I Should Stop Reading Other People's Blogs.

"there are things in life worth not letting go.... just because you want to be something else, you'll have to risk losing them"
- Troll, college friend

I was just skimming along my multiply site, as usual, my only form of gossiping. HEHE And I chanced upon a blog by a college friend. He has always been interesting to me. Nonetheless, he was writing about leaving and not leaving for work abroad. He was writing about the reasons why he wont leave. And after he said what I have quoted, he posted a picture of the person he loves.

Which brings me to wonder? Why did I ever even think about leaving him behind? Did I think he wasnt worth it? That my dreams are more important to me? I guess, this is just residue from the whole ex thing. That I wont build my dreams around another person anymore or I will not compromise my dreams because of a guy, who will just inevitably leave me in the end. Hay.

Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful. It's for the bold.
It's for those willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love.
It's for those, knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.
- Pexer

I don't really know, it just seems to give me a pinch of hope for me and Francis. That after all the pain, the problems, the good, the bad, the worst, the best, the whatevs...WE will still work.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Waiting For Love.


You know when you have nothing else better to do for the rest of your night, you start to flit through websites and read stuff. I was on this website, this girl is writing about love. She hasn't loved anyone since she broke up with her ex-boyfriend 10 years ago. Isn't that amazing?

But the thing is, it isnt. I get it. I might've not waited that long. But I know the feeling. Although I found it in me to let myself love someone again, there's always the fear of things ending up the way it did the last time. I did not wait for 10 years though. I found someone I fell in love with more than a year ago.

It took me awhile to recover from the pain. I went through a phase of self destruction, that wasnt obvious if you simply looked at me. A while back, I read a couple of blog entries I wrote about it. And even if it seemed so long ago, it still brought tears in my eyes.

It's funny, because I was telling my present SO all about forgiving and forgetting. I realized that I too have a lot of forgetting to do. I have forgiven but I think in a way when you get hurt, you never forget the pain. And that's where the fear starts to grow from.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Still watching One Tree Hill...

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.

I have my wish. And it's you.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Life Is Short.

*Sigh* Another proof that life is short. A friend of mine back in Arizona passed away. She wasn't even 30 yet. I am not sure of her exact age but she's probably around 26. She's a very nice girl. She always smiled and always said hi to me. She was going to get married next year. But I know she's in a better place.

RIP: Erin

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Once and For All.


Im better than this. HEHE

Tips On How Men Stay Married.

1. Always put her first -- before work, friends, even basketball. Act as if she's the best thing that ever happened to you, because we all know she is.

2. Keep no secrets. Pool your money. Allow nothing and no one to come between you.

3. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they're hard to forget.

4. Fall in love again everyday. Kiss her in taxis. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she's beautiful. Then tell her again.

5. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now but one day they'll be gold.

6. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a Shop-vac let her pick it out herself.

7. Go to church together, and pray every day for each other and your marriage.

8. Pay your bills on time and make sure you each have a living will, a durable power of attorney and life insurance, lest, God forbid, you need them.

9. Love her parents as your own, but don't ask them for money. Never criticize her family or friends. On her birthday send flowers to her mother with a not saying "Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life."

10. Always listen to her heart. If you're wrong say you're sorry; if you're right, shut up.

11. Don't half tie the knot; plan to stay married forever.

12. Never go to bed mad; talk until you're over it, or you forget why you were mad.

13. Laugh together a lot. If you can laugh at yourselves, you'll have plenty to laugh about.

14. Never criticize, correct or interrupt her in public; try not to do it in private, too.

15. Remember that people are the least lovable when they are most in need of love.

16. Never fall for the myth of perfectionism, it's a lie.

17. When you don't like each other, remember that you love each other; pray for the good days to return and they will.

18. Tell the truth, only the truth with great kindness.

19. Kiss at least 10 seconds a day, all at once or spread out.

20. Memorize all her favorite things and amaze her with how very well you know her.

21. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car. Keep steering it on a path you both wanna go.

22. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally and never stop growing spiritually.

23. Never raise your voice unless you're on fire. Whisper when you argue.

24. Be both friends and lovers; in a black out light a candle, then make your own sparks.

25. Finally, be an interesting person, lead your own life. But always save your best for each other. In the end you will know you were better together than you ever could've been apart.

- Taken from Vitality, July 2008

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

All You Need Is Love.

“Love is the greatest of all risks. It is not reliable, it is not cautious. It is not sympathetic and it is merciless. It strikes the strongest of mind, and brings them to their knees in one blow. The risk of love never depletes, it grows stronger and more dangerous with time. It consumes your every thought and desire… and every breath you take. It is the fire that fuels you, to do more than just pass through life. It urges you instead, to live. No matter what the outcome, having felt love, you will never be the same. It may scar your heart and your soul, and leave you with only memories of forever. Or it may cause every day of your life, to feel like there is no need for tomorrow. Love is worth it. It is worth the risk. For in all of life, love is truly the only risk worth taking.”

This is just a week full of copied things off of other blogs. Something rather interesting has happened to me. A person who told me she didn't want to hear from me again emailed me again. I rather understand what shes going through. Rough. Been there. First there's Pain, Denial and Bitterness. I saw her go through it. I went through it too before.

Well, anyway Francis and I are doing much, much better. Which is great. Right now I am feeling so tired. As in physically, emotionally and mentally drained out. Maybe it was the past few weeks, or maybe it has been the past year. It's just different. It used to be that whenever I felt weary, Francis has been there to alleviate the weariness. A ready smile, a big hug and a tender kiss was enough to make me feel better. But now, I cant get any, for obvious reasons. There's so little outlet for the weariness. That its all trapped within. Hay.

Oh well.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Sacrament Of Waiting.

by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.

The English poet John Milton once wrote that those who serve stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakeable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts than all the great deeds of derring-do that go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery—a natural sacrament of life. There is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting—testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in our self-control—pasensya na lang. We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations, and bus depots are temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one—or wait in sadness to say goodbye and to give that last wave of hand. We wait for birthdays and vacations; we wait for Christmas. We wait for spring to come or autumn—for the rains to begin or stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next step. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success, and recognition. We wait to grow up—to reach the stage where we make our own decision.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is part of the tapestry of living—the fabric in which the threads are woven that tell the story of our lives.

Yet the current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. “Grab all the gusto you can get.” So reads one of America’s great beer advertisements—Get it now. Instant pleasure—instant transcendence. Don’t wait for anything. Life is short—eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you’ll die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom—premarital sex and extramarital affairs—they warn against attachment and commitment, against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us, against vows and promises, against duty and responsibility, against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and to wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure—but even that is fleeting and doubtful. What was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure? “Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated.” Now if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, souls as well as heart, we have to learn to love someone else other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery brushing by our face everyday like stray wind or a leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has ever loved knows how much waiting goes into it, how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this so? Why can’t we have love right now—two years, three years, five years—and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit, the seed to flower, carbon to change into a diamond.

There is no simple answer, no more than there is to life’s demands: having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have already made other commitments, or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives, having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your path. Goodbyes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth—the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we love them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting—of being present without making demands or asking rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other until they can see things the same way, or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. What do we lose when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance and intimacy of the way they were? They have to wait—in silence—but still be present to each other until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory, and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait? When we try to find short cuts through life, when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of ever truly loving or being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature. Isn’t it of their very essence that they are filled with the strange but common mystery—that waiting is part of the substance, the basic fabric—against which the story of that true love is written?

How can we ever find either life or love if we are too impatient to wait for it?
Got it from Ella's multiply site.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Wedding remnants...

I was at church today, sleepily listening to the homily, when I noticed a blue pamphlet. I took it and saw that it was a programme for a wedding held at the church yesterday. At the back, it read:

"Nothing is more practical than findng God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, what you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."
- Rev. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

I couldn't think of anyone else but Francis. I blinked back tears. Why are there always tears when I think about him? Why is there a slight pang of pain in my heart? Is it because I miss him? Or because I remember the things that hurt me? Or because I honestly dont know where I am in his heart right now?

Before I left everything was set. We planned to get married as soon as we have enough money for a wedding and enough money to start us off a life together. When I got back he said that we will start to live together, because he couldnt stand being without me anymore. He said he didn't care what my folks thought of it. When I got back a condominium will be waiting for me and him to live in. He wanted 3 kids to start, but as we talk about it some more he would add until he just said, "I want plenty of babies!" I don't easily forget the things he says espescially the things that made me smile. You'd be surprised with all the things that I still remember.

I secretly pictured living with him in my mind. I'd pretend to be waking up beside him instead of my room mate. I'd smile at the thought that I'd be preparing his breakfast for him, preparing his clothes for work on the bed. I'd pretend to have strong lean arms pulling me towards him at night.

So many dreams. And now, I dont know how tomorrow will look like. All I know is that, all of this is for love.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


I just put down my copy of The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. It was a good story. But kinda over rated for all the raves I got for it. Although it wasn't bad. It was good. The chapter that touched me most was when he was with his wife, Marguerite. It was heart wrenching. Is that what true love is? That when the person you loved has gone they can still feel the love that you had for them in after life.

"Life has to end." She said. "Love doesnt."

I think I rather like that kind of love. If heaven is like what the story says it is then I will not take my own life, like I sometimes want to, so I can have my own choice of what kind of heaven I want to live in.

If I could choose it: I would choose a heaven that is peaceful where I sit in a bench cozied up to the one I love. Where we are safe from the beatings of the cruel world. Where we are safe from people who wants to see us apart. And I will wait for him there.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


Eons of blog entries back, I said I wanted to keep my life simple. I do. I really do. But it's hard! Situations, feelings and everything else in between is making it hard. I wish it was that easy to say everything is okay. But it's not.

Right now I am very confused with what he says and what he does. I wish everything was just consistent. Everything in black and white. No grey areas. I hate being in the grey area where no is sometimes a yes, and yes is never what it seems to be.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Back To Square 1.

I'm home alone again
And you're out hangin
with your friends
So you say
Somehow I know it's
not quite that way
It's getting pretty late
And you haven't
checked on me all day
When I called you didn't answer
Now I'm feeling like
your ignoring me
I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms

And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

I wish I wasn't
in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
it just ain't fair the
way you treat me
No you don't deserve me
Wasting my time thinking
bout you when you ain't
never gon change
I wish I wasn't in
love with you so I
wouldn't feel this way

When you touch me my heart melts
And everything you did
wrong I forgive
So you play me and take advantage
Of the love that I feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you
that's why I'm so mad
Now I'm drowning in disappointment
And it's hard for me to
even look at you
And I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms
And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

Said you care about me
But from what I see
I ain't feeling that
So I disagree
Gave you all my love
And understanding
And you're treating me
like your enemy
So leave me alone
Don't want nothing from you
Just go back where you came from
This house is no longer your home
You are not welcome no no no more

Hear you knockin' at the door again
I'm wonderin' should I let you in
I open up the door and see
The flowers for me
so beautiful in your hands
you stopped begging me
to take you back
I've always been a
sucker for romance
And before you know
it I concede
You're all over me
Oh no here I go again
I wish I wasn't in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me

Why is it that I always, always end everything with this song. Argh. :(

When I went to church this morning towards the end of the mass, the priest called out to a couple who wanted to renew their vows. They were together for 65 years? Wow, can you imagine? I mean, some people get so annoying as they grow old. Some people are just annoying. Period.

And then tears started to roll down my eyes, father said something like "it has not been an easy journey together, i am sure there are hardships and trials, father we ask you..." That was it, a line that I will always remember. 65 years. I wonder what they went through together. Is it anything like what I am going through right now?

Friday, July 04, 2008

Closing Cycles...

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Last Letter.


You know very well how much I loved you. When we first met, I remember how scared I was to fall in love with you because I didn't want to get hurt. I looked at you and I saw a person who was just going to jerk me around, like most of them did. But as I got to know you better, I thought that it was safe to let me guard down. To let you in. And my life changed. Wanting you to become my prince was different from actually living it. Now, my letters are especially meant for someone.

I know perfectly well that fairytales are too good to be true, but the only thing that seemed simillar to fairytales and real life are the challenges along the way before they live happily ever after. You showed me how to love without your presence, and even love greatly when I was finally with you.

I know I hurt you when I left. It was cruel. We were just starting out together and I had to leave. To fulfill my dreams. I know it seemed that I didn't have dreams with you in it. I did. I have plenty. But I thought to myself we have our entire lifetime to build them. And I only had this moment to fulfill mine. I was selfish. You had every right to be mad at me for leaving.

I felt you get angry. I felt it. I deserved every hurtful thing you said to me. And maybe I deserved the way you sometimes treated me. I want to make things better for us. Whenever I tried to talk to you about us, you always seemed to be eager to make things work between us. Which meant alot to me. I cannot wait to go home to start doing this with you, working things out. But there is also a part of me that asks "What if we cant work it out?" I dont know. I am selfish again. Because I dont want to go home and face that. I can't. It's too painful to lose you.
You told me many times that I was the greatest/best thing that happened in your life, but why don't you treat me that way anymore. Sometimes I want to walk away from you. But I am scared you will just watch me leave. You wont run after me. You won't talk me out of leaving. Walking away is not because I do not love you anymore. Sometimes people walk away because they want to know how much a person loves them. Sometimes people break up with you because they want you to want them back. But then there are people like you, people who are proud. I don't blame you. You had your share of experiences, that led you to the person that you are right now.

I just wanted to love you. At first I was content just loving you. Until you said, you loved me back. And it was the best kind of love I have experienced in my life. But it's changed. Like the wind, like footprints in the sand, it's slowly getting washed away. I want the pain to stop. And just love you all over again. And you can love me all over again too.

You always told me that love can wait. I want to hold on to our promises and vows. To the plans and dreams that we have together. But those fantasies has to stop. I am not putting false hopes on our love that was lost. I walked away not because I stopped loving you. I walked away because it's time to face the truth. People change, feelings fade away, and you were also susceptible to that. I dont know what the future might have for me, if along the way I will see you again. You weren't even kind enough to respond to me. I guess that was it. I knew it, you would let me walk away, maybe because you didn't care enough run after me.

I loved you. A person just has to know when to accept defeat and let it go.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008


Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where it's always summer? Or since the world turns and that is impossible then live in places where it's summer time so all of your life it's always summer!


Summer in Phils is March to May
Summer in US is June to September
Summer in Australia December to Feb

So I just have to figure out where to go on October and November, where would it be summer time on these months?! Wouldn't it be absolutely fun?! Especially if you live very near the beach. I love summer time.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

P.S I Love You.

I've wanted to read this book for awhile. I haven't gotten around to it. But yesterday I saw the movie, thanks to housemate, Richard. I was crying like a baby! And he laughed at me alot. What can I do?! I cry easily! Remember the Mc Donald's commercial, Karen po? I used to cry when that commercial went on tv.

Back to the movie. Gerard Butler was HOT! Weeeeeeeeee! As in! Not to mention the accent was super HOT! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!! James Masters (or whatever), Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, looks really old! And there's another hot guy with an accent. HEHE

Anyway, while watching the movie, I can't help but wish that I would have a guy like Gerry (not Gerard Butler, but the character -- although Gerard won't be THAT bad. HAHA) I mean he actually helped his wife, Holly (Hilary Swank) move on and get over his death.

But the words that kept ringing in my head is...

What do you want? I know what I want, cause I'm holding it in my hands right now. You.

- Gerry Kennedy

Haller!!! Sino ba naman hindi maiinlove sa ganyang asawa diba? I swear those words rang in my ear over and over and over again. I wish alot of people, including myself, would know what they wanted when they're still holding it in their hands, not when it's already gone. I think if most of us, ayan ha hindi all, knew or had this wisdom the world would be a much happier place.

If we all knew what we would be missing without that person in our life, then we can end an endless chain of senseless loss. And the only loss we will experience is when our loved one's time has passed. But then it wont be such a loss, because we know we cherished them even to the last moment of their lives.