Saturday, January 30, 2010

Meant To Be?

I don't know how many "Meant To Be?" entries I might already have but this is the question that likes to pop up in my head from time to time. So, I was talking to my mom last night, she asked me to call her because two of my college friends were at the house at the request of my aunt. They were going to talk about some projects she might have for one of them.

Let me give you some history. These two people dated for four years in college. They were like one of those sweetest college sweethearts then. I liked them together. But towards our last year, they broke up. they moved in the same circle of friends and managed to remain friends after their break up. As far as I know, the girl remained pretty much still in love with the guy for a while after the break up. After graduating, we all went our separate ways -- keeping in touch of course. They both started dating other people and remained great friends.

Now, my mom thinks they're back together. When I asked them they didn't say no, BUT they didn't exactly say yes. Guy said "We'll see how it goes." Girl said "I'm not denying or confirming anything." But it pretty much looks like they're getting to know each other again. They may or may not get back together -- that I am not sure yet. But they seem to be taking steps towards getting back together.

So maybe, just maybe they are meant to be together. Isn't life sweet to be given another shot at loving someone you used to love or has continued to love? I am not saying that I am missing an old boyfriend of mine or maybe I am still in love with them. NO. Nothing like that. If anything, I am missing my boyfriend, Rey. Our relationship may be having a tough time right now, and it may not seem like the most ideal one to be in. But I don't want to wait for us to separate to find out if we were meant to be. I want us to stay together and know that we are meant to be.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. Its like we're scared to lose what we dont have. Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, having it half-way is harder than not having at all.
I agree. I know I read this somewhere and had to look through dozens of old entries to find it. I was working this afternoon and I remembered this quote.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Isang malaking kalokohan. UGH.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


In my search for answers why these things happen to me, I realized that people cheat because they are not satisfied. And because they aren't satisfied, they try to find whatever they are missing from other people. Instead of helping their partners find a way to satisfy them they turn to others.

But not everyone does that. I don't do that. I am not saying I'm a saint and I have never cheated before. I have, but I had different reasons for doing so. What I am saying is that, even when I am dissatisfied with my partner, I don't go looking for what I am missing in others. I try to find a way to get my partner to satisfy me. Maybe I have a different approach on things like I whine to them a lot or give them attitude, but at least I am not out getting to know guys looking for that something my partner lacks.

It's just amazing. I am dumbfounded.

Imaginary Conversations.

Me: Can we not say we're "married" on FB anymore?
Him: Why?
Me: Coz it's not real anymore.


Sunday, January 17, 2010


A gentleman at church nudged me on the way out. He told me "Smile, it's a beautiful day out." It's true. It rained at around 6 AM my time and the clouds were heavy when I walked to church but somehow in that hour long mass the clouds managed to clear and you can see the sun peeking through as we got out of church. It wasn't hot, it wasn't cold. It was truly a beautiful day. And I thought that I should really smile.

So I smiled. And when I did, it hurt. I couldn't keep smiling instead tears started to run down my cheeks. My heart is so broken. I didn't know I was still capable of taking the pain. I thought I was done. I thought now is the time that is really for me. That I will no longer have to worry about someone hurting me, betraying me or unloving me. I thought that THAT was over. I thought that I already found the best guy, the most right guy for me. I thought that now I can let go of the fictional prince and live out my fairytale.

It's confusing. Hay.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Hopeless Romantic.

I love romantic comedy movies. You know, boy meets girl, they fall in love, they have fun and then something happens, they hurt each other but in the end love prevails -- they kiss and the screen pans out. Yup. I'm a sucker for those movies. Even if I already know how it will end, I still watch them. With each ending, I hope my own love story will be something like it. Thing is, what happens when the screen pans out? Do they just end up gazing at each other's eyes lovingly? Do they just kiss and kiss and kiss nonstop? See, the screen doesn't pan out to the credits in real life. It just keeps going.

It's been three years since I "met" my Prince. Three years since I started writing him. Three years since I started believing that there was one person, who will love me for who I am. And I will love him back as much as he loves me. In those three years, I was with two guys. One who had me convinced he was the prince but he turned out to be an ass. And I am now with another guy, who could be him. I really want him to be.

My Prince who has inspired me in so many ways. Who has made me feel loved even when I didn't know him then. He made me believe that there is love. And I didn't need another person to love me right then and there. I just needed to know that I will be loved when he finally comes.

Sometimes, I think I should already let go of my Prince and just live. Stop looking for him in the guys I am with. After all it is a known fact that most guys are princes in the beginning but monsters at the end. Well, okay not all of them. Some of them don't, not monsters not really. But not exactly a prince too.

Prince, is the result of my wild imagination. It was fun while it lasted, but I cannot live my life around fairy tales. In real life, even when we love someone we hurt that person we love. In real life the ending isn't as happy, because when life ends it means someone gets left behind. In real life, the pain doesn't stop after we kiss and make up, because there will be other pains that will follow, because for as long as we live we will keep on making mistakes and those mistakes will hurt someone, somehow.

So, right now...I just want to live.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Be Still.

I want to be still

Still as a rock
Hear the wind blow
With my pain it goes

Be still
Not a word
Not a sound
Just what's around

Be still
Calm down
Listen for a comforting sound
Wait for that consoling hand

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Ang plastic ko bwiset.

Friday, January 08, 2010

The Year 2009 In Review...and Thank You's.

I have been so caught up with my life that I wasn't able to write this. I have been meaning to. So 2009 was quite eventful. Joys and tears combined.

1st Quarter (Jan - March) -- I found myself starting the year arguing with Rey -- I forgot what it was all about, I think it was about me working too much. I was starting to not love my current job, I wasn't inspired. I also found an opportunity for me to come back here in the US and be with Rey. I also found 2 more ob opportunities that I had to pass up. I saw most my good friends and spent as much time as I could and as permitted by my schedule with them. I celebrated my best friend's birthday with her too! It was fun.

2nd Quarter (April - June) -- I quit my job and flew here. I worked in Colorado -- which I was thankful for being able to come back here and all that. But Colorado, was not the best experience of my career. Although, the four days I spent with my Bubu was the best ones I had there ever.

3rd Quarter (July - September) -- Summer passed by so fast but I still couldn't wait for it to be over. Bubu came to visit and we had a lot -- I think. I am only speaking for myself. We celebrated his birthday together! A first! By September I was already planning my next job and my mini-vacay to California.

4th Quarter (October - December) -- My birthday came and went. I did get to spend it with Bubu BUT I ruined his plans. But I was happy enough to be able to spend some time with him. At least whenever we are together we spend it the whole day long. We've seen better days. We really have. But I hope that there will be more. I got a job in Florida it's just really tough. The end of the year, I don't know how to describe it. Let's just say that I wish I had a better one. We're still together so I guess, we have a chance for a better one.


- for my family, who is always there even when I am not.
- for Rey, who is still there even when I'm not. Even if he doesn't have to be.
- for my friends, who is always there for me no matter what. (Special mention time!) I love you all!!!!
-_-Kevin ~ I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there for you when you needed me. And thank you for never leaving me ever. Thank you. I love you, you have been a good good friend.
-_- Manel ~ Thank you for taking time off from your hectic life to stay in touch. I know how hard it is to do but you still do.
-_- Tonet ~ for the tough love.
-_- April ~ Even when you're not always there, you're there when least expected. :)
-_- Julie ~ for talking to me and for sharing your zen thoughts. HAHA
-_- Ella ~ for always sharing your wisdom with me.
-_- Tere ~ for always showing you cared about me even if we don't talk as much anymore!
-_- Nadine ~ for being so thoughtful and helping me out during Ondoy!
- for my new friends! Mikey, Dave, Jaime, Rachel, Zach - it has been a pleasure knowing you and working with you. I hope that we can stay friends. :)
- for the opportunities given to me the past year.

I'm sorry if I had been outta touch lately. I'll be better. :)

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Flitting through a web of emotions
trying hard to take the tension
Hearts soar, hearts fall
heart spirals out of control

Tears fall, I see a back walking away
Rushing out to follow, running to keep up
He doesn't stop, he keeps going
We keep going, tripping, falling

Roller coaster ride, trying to go with the tide
Stop please, let's rest
I thought we were the best
Seems like we're just like the rest

Today the year became old again.