Monday, June 26, 2006

I don't know what to do with my life.

Seriously! There are just too many plans that are cramming in my head.

1. I want additional background on Pastry Arts and Breadbaking, Sugar blowing, Chocolates (even if I'm not very fond of pralines).

2. I want to take up wine-tasting and bartending.

3. I want to take Asian cooking. Extra stuff.

4. I want the T-shirt/Clothes business/coffee shop.

5. Going crazy.

Help? Anyone?

Friday, June 23, 2006

Setting Standards, Making The Grade

I have friends who set standards. I myself set standards for my own life. I remember my friend who said "I am never gonna fall in love with a regular guy." She said she wanted somebody who has -- money, power, influence. At first I felt insulted -- I only wanted someone who would love me, someone I can also love, someone who will accept me for whoever I am. Inspite of my being flawed and human. Well guess what...I realized...we can all get what we want. Everything is attainable. So what was I thinking selling myself short?

I realized it was okay to set standards...on friendships, on relationships. I studied my friends...yes, I set standard on friends. Yes, I dont judge people but I choose who I become friends with. I usually go with those people who I got along with. So's a standard. Right?

So I can also set a standard in choosing a partner. He could be at least a collage graduate from a reputable school, with a non-sissy course. He could be a board/bar passer if what he finished in college required this exam. He could be someone who was honest, respectable, with good breeding, open-minded, liberal, out going and accomodating. He could be someone who would easily get along with my friends. He must be someone who can stand up for me too. Someone who didn't need to do a** kissing for anyone just to get by. Someone who can speak good english, articulate, ambitious, well-read, well-mannered...and the list goes on. Why am I doing this? Because I am a well-educated person. I am liberal, open-minded, ambitious...I am alot of things. I was brought up properly. I have overly scrutinizing folks who would say everything and anything about people around me.

My grandma would always tell me, "I have so much to offer, I shouldn't settle for less. I must find someone who can level with me."

And she's right.

I may have done some stupid things the last couple of months but it has helped me reach to where I am right now. I gained lessons. I gained experience. I realized alot. And I'm happy I was miserable for a while...for if not. I may still be out there lost, scared, pining for someone.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Isn't there anybody who loves me?

Okay now dont give me the line..."Not even your mom or dad?"

Seriously...I'm not sure I want a relationship right now. But I kinda miss the feeling of loving someone and being loved back. Actually I think I love somene right now...but I'm having a hard time figuring out if he loves me too. The thing is afterall those shitty relationships, it seems I havent learned my lesson yet.

1. Love myself.
2. Keep the mystery.
3. Dont lose myself.

God, please help me. I know I don't deserve it because I don't go to church and all but I'll still ask.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Happy face.

I havent stopped smiling today. Well except for the 30-minute bitchin' I got from my mom. I guess now I have a reason to smile genuinely. No more fake smiles for me.

I heard that word again...forever. Although it would be fun to think about wont be right. No such thing. I'll embrace what I have right now. Bathe in the gloriousness of it. It has come and it will go, eventually. And that part I have accepted. Till that day comes...I'm a happy face.

Friday, June 02, 2006

How could you?

How can you allow yourself to fall in love when just the mere thought of it is already breaking your heart?

Someone shoot me now. I think I am indeed on the edge of falling for someone. This can't be happening to me. Not yet. Not so soon. Not after the pain.

So how does one control these fluttery nice feelings when that person says hi? When he says something really sweet?. Something unexpected? Cant believe I am smiling through writing this entry!

He is way out of my league. Unattainable. Why do I hurt myself like this?

Someone shoot me. NOW.