To My Prince,

How are you? I didn't talk to you for a long time. I'm sorry. I thought I found you. But it doesn't seem that way any more, or is it? Anyway, I'm still confused. I am at crossroads, just looking ahead seems unbearable and uncertain. It's scary.

My heart is broken, yet again. It was nobody's fault than mine. I'm sorry. I am still not whole for you. Instead I keep breaking my own heart. My heart is in turmoil and my brain is swimming in it's own excessive thoughts. I thought of writing to clear my head. And then I thought about you. (Where are you? Are you still there?)

I really wanted him to be you. You know? I thought you finally found me. Maybe, maybe it IS you. I am so sorry, for treating you so badly. He had me at my best, while you had me at my worst. I tried to work through it you know? But my heart, my heart was so, so, so stubborn. It will not hear anything else. It will not feel anything else but fear of pain. I don't even know how I ever felt I loved you. Realizing how much anger, fear and pain I have in my heart. You tried your best I know. I love you for it. I never really was able to let you know how much I love you. How much you meant to me. I was so busy proving to myself you loved me. So busy.

Why did I need to prove to myself that you loved me? Because I needed it. I needed so badly to feel that there is someone who can truly, truly love me. I was so insecure that I didn't deserve to be loved. Because I wasn't sure if I have ever felt love from someone else besides my friends and my parents. The kind of love two people share, intense, inconvenient, can't live without you kind of love. We had that. And now it's gone. The funniest thing is deep down inside, all I really wanted was to be with you.

I suppose I really should let you go (even if I promised you I never will) because we both know you deserve better than a broken girl, who cannot love. Maybe one day we will find each other again. And if we don't then at least even through the pain we both caused each other we still have some good memories we can remember each other by.

I want you to know, I love you. And I am sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me.

How come I can believe in things like "meant to be" for others but not for myself?

How come I see old lovers breaking apart only to find each other again after many years and be happy for them but not believe that the same thing can happen to me?

Why can't I see that life has so much more to offer to me? Why not?

Liberty.

After a year and a half of harboring those messages, those chat exchanges, those copied wall posts that have driven me nuts over the past year, which have caused me so much pain. Just a few minutes ago...I deleted them. Yep. Gone. Forever. I felt liberated. I felt free.

I re-read them before I deleted them, expecting to feel a pang pain, something I felt every time I had read them in the past. And I didn't. I let out an exasperated sigh. A small smirk even.

This is a good thing.

Finally, freedom.

:)

Life vs Movies

The tragedy of life is that it's not like the movies. It's no use getting caught up in stupid romantic comedies, because those things don't happen in real life. No one ever arranges a flash mob to dance for you, or drives all the way where ever you are to tell you they love you, to apologize, to prove they feel what they feel. Or makes you a vampire so you can literally have forever.

Stupid romantic comedies.

October

It's October! This month I am turning a year older again. And I have nothing to show for it.

Crap.

Ber Months = Christmas

So, it's September! Meaning, it's Christmas time!!!! So my Christmas wishlist, as usual!

1. Him. Still, like every year since 2008.

2. Win the lottery jackpot! HEHE

3. A better opportunity, career wise.

4. Pass the Red Seal Exams!

5. A nice day (and get the day off) to hike up Signal Hill once again.

Thank you! :)

Remember when...

Remember when your boylet/boytoy/boyfriend would tell you he'll call you and when you would wait and he forgets to call and a fight ensues? Well, I am well past that stage. Things are so simple back then. If your guy calls as he said he would all would remain nice. If he didn't then that's another story. Of course, I didn't really think that forgetting to call could actually mean something else, like maybe he was calling another girl or worse is already out with someone else.

Now, we ask more important questions like "Is he the one?" "Can I trust him?" "Will he do everything in his power not to hurt me?" "Should I marry him?" "Will he be a good father?" "Will he be a good husband?" "Will I be a good wife?" "Can I live with the annoying things about him?" And the list goes on.

Hay. I'm so bored.

I am Jealous.

I am jealous of Nipa and Jamil. After 3 long years of being apart, they are finally together. Jamil is having a hard time at work and Nipa spends all her days waiting for him to come home, but is it worth it? I believe it is.

I am jealous of some friends who have been engaged around the same time I did and have long gotten married.

I am also jealous that some of them, also in long distance relationships have either already closed the gap between them or is closer to closing the gap.

When will it be my turn??? *sigh*

2nd Timers.

When I was in college I had two buddies who were together for the four years we were studying. Being hopeless romantics, I think we all thought they would eventually graduate and get married. They did everything together, if we had groups they're always together in one group, if we only had partners they were naturally partners. They're the kind of couple you wanna hang out with they never make you feel like you are a third wheel. They had a funny story. One I will always remember.

In our thesis year, they broke up. The whole barkada was shocked and sad. They still managed to be friends. And I think our girl friend has never really stopped loving our guy friend. And like most hopeless romantics, I always thought they'd get back together and still graduate and get married, eventually. But we all graduated, they did not get back together. We all saw each other from time to time. Some of us moved across the oceans to try something new, some of us stayed back. Each other moved on and had their own relationships.

Sometime last year, our guy friend was doing something for my aunt and he always had our girl friend with him. My nosey mom thought they are back together. I teased them but they wouldnt say anything. HEHE But now it can finally be said that they are back together. After almost 10 years since they first got together and after 5 years of living separate lives, they managed to find their way back to each other.

So, eventually...hopefully in the next few years, they will get married. I love happy endings! :)

I'm such a jealous little freak. :(

Hindi parin natatanggal ang sakit. Lampas isang taon na, masakit parin. Hindi nawala, hindi nabawasan, mas lalong lumalim ang mga sugat.

Ngayon sabihin mo sa akin, mali ba na sa halip na hilingin ko na maging matatag tayo, eh hinihiling ko na sana matapos na tayo. Kasama nun matatapos ang kalbaryo ko.

Reality TV Shows.

I am living my life through other people's lives! Well, at least some of the stuff that I want in my life. Some people literally have everything they could ever want in their lives.

I'm jealous.

Friday.

My Friday night consists of frozen pizza, Grey Goose, Simply Orange and tired feet.

Oh...and a broken heart.

Jamil.

I've been working with Jamil for the past 2 months. He arrived in St. John's 4 months before I did and he took the time to offer to show me around and help me find a house. He also answers most of my immigration questions as his wife is already coming here to Canada to join him. He gave me tips and some of the stuff he needed to do so that he can get her a visa. I'm happy for him.

We share the same sentiments at work, and I talked to him with some issues in my life, for lack of anyone to talk to. Fleeting conversation, not a lot of details but he was able to give me some insights.

I envy him. But at the same time, I'm happy for him.

7 Years.

Bitch.

Why not? For the past 7 years I have been getting bitch slapped by life. So why not become one? So I can fight, so I can hit back. 7 years, of just sitting, watching things unfold, holding in all the pain and anger.

2004 was the year I first had a real relationship. It was like magic. Imagine meeting someone and feeling the intense chemistry between you. It felt like it was destiny for you to be with him. And after some rough time, when I thought it was working out rather nicely, life decided to slap reality to my face. He said, he didn't love me the way he had before. And I thought about all the things I have done for him, for the relationship, to make it work. Where could I have gone wrong? He said that it wasn't me. It was him. He just couldn't feel the way he used to feel for me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He said no. And so, I defeatedly let him go. There was no use fighting a losing battle. It was okay, until I found out later on that he DID have someone else. He just didn't have it in him to tell me he truth. Did he know how much it hurt? To be betrayed like that? To believe that it was just really not working out only to find out the painful truth that he just couldn't fight for me in his heart. That he just decided to love someone else, despite all the sacrifices I made for him.

After awhile and a few other boys, I met someone who intrigued me. Who drew me in and I found myself in a relationship again. Again it felt like magic. It didn't necessarily feel right, but the magic was enough to make it seem so. And I jumped right in with my eyes closed, and then I crashed. He had someone else. And it took 2 women to send me e-mails to believe that he really didn't care about me at all. That he was just using me. He took everything for me. I had nothing. Just a mess of a broken heart.

And then there was a surprise. When I least expected it, when I least wanted it, when I least needed it. But again, it was magic. How can I ignore it? My heart couldn't. Even if I knew otherwise. I followed my heart. Damn heart! It didn't know any better. It never knew. Of course I also barely knew him. I was too excited, too caught up in all the magic and fairy tales that I overlooked this, that I ignored it. Soon after I would find out that he was just like the others. Too many women in his life. What they, who they are to him, I can't even tell. I don't know where I stand.

And so here I am, after 7 years...still broken. A mixture of shattered dreams and a battered heart. I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes. I just want to disappear. I want curl up in my bed and cover myself up in my blankets and never move. Not in even to breathe. I can hear my head pounding, trying to cope with the madness around me. I am so angry.

It's been 7 years. Now I wont watch anymore. I will hit back.

...

Do you know what it feels like to be consumed in fear and anger? I do. I feel it now. I feel it pulsating through my veins. I am angry. But I am also scared.

I am angry at situation I am in now. I don't know whose fault it is that I am here. I don't know what drove me here. I am angry at the people who I blame for pushing me to be who I am today. I am angry.

I am scared of what will happen. I am scared of the person I have become. But at the same time, I am scared to be anyone less of who I am today. I don't want the same people to think they can do it to me all over again.

I Hate People.

Fuck 'em all.

New Home.

Well...at least for next two years! HAHA

I am in Newfoundland, Canada. And this is where I will be for the next two years! :) It's amazing how all my dreams are coming true. :) Next stop FCI?

:)

The world is at my feet right now!

I'm so excited!!! I can't stand it!

Wee!

Friendships In A Foreign Land.

Real friends nowadays are hard to come by, what more if you are in a foreign land. Sure, I have roommates whom I talk to, I have colleagues whom I see everyday at work but I cannot seem to fully bring myself to consider most of them friends. I know that if one day I needed help, I know that I cannot rely on any of these people to be there for me.

Some of them are weird. Some of them are two faced. Some of them are just plain nasty. But the thing that really irritates me and scares me the most are the two faced ones. They talk shit about someone, and that someone thinks that they are "okay" worse is that they are friends. And it makes you wonder, what the hell does this person say about me behind my back?! You know what I mean? UGH. I wonder how these people have friends. And I wonder if they're friends know what kind of friends they have.

So I am really glad to know that I already have the friends I need. And these new people, I'm not sure what to make of them.