To My Prince,
Thursday, November 17, 2011
How are you? I didn't talk to you for a long time. I'm sorry. I thought I found you. But it doesn't seem that way any more, or is it? Anyway, I'm still confused. I am at crossroads, just looking ahead seems unbearable and uncertain. It's scary.
My heart is broken, yet again. It was nobody's fault than mine. I'm sorry. I am still not whole for you. Instead I keep breaking my own heart. My heart is in turmoil and my brain is swimming in it's own excessive thoughts. I thought of writing to clear my head. And then I thought about you. (Where are you? Are you still there?)
I really wanted him to be you. You know? I thought you finally found me. Maybe, maybe it IS you. I am so sorry, for treating you so badly. He had me at my best, while you had me at my worst. I tried to work through it you know? But my heart, my heart was so, so, so stubborn. It will not hear anything else. It will not feel anything else but fear of pain. I don't even know how I ever felt I loved you. Realizing how much anger, fear and pain I have in my heart. You tried your best I know. I love you for it. I never really was able to let you know how much I love you. How much you meant to me. I was so busy proving to myself you loved me. So busy.
Why did I need to prove to myself that you loved me? Because I needed it. I needed so badly to feel that there is someone who can truly, truly love me. I was so insecure that I didn't deserve to be loved. Because I wasn't sure if I have ever felt love from someone else besides my friends and my parents. The kind of love two people share, intense, inconvenient, can't live without you kind of love. We had that. And now it's gone. The funniest thing is deep down inside, all I really wanted was to be with you.
I suppose I really should let you go (even if I promised you I never will) because we both know you deserve better than a broken girl, who cannot love. Maybe one day we will find each other again. And if we don't then at least even through the pain we both caused each other we still have some good memories we can remember each other by.
I want you to know, I love you. And I am sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me.