I don't know what to do with my life.

Seriously! There are just too many plans that are cramming in my head.

1. I want additional background on Pastry Arts and Breadbaking, Sugar blowing, Chocolates (even if I'm not very fond of pralines).

2. I want to take up wine-tasting and bartending.

3. I want to take Asian cooking. Extra stuff.

4. I want the T-shirt/Clothes business/coffee shop.

5. Going crazy.

Help? Anyone?

Setting Standards, Making The Grade

I have friends who set standards. I myself set standards for my own life. I remember my friend who said "I am never gonna fall in love with a regular guy." She said she wanted somebody who has -- money, power, influence. At first I felt insulted -- I only wanted someone who would love me, someone I can also love, someone who will accept me for whoever I am. Inspite of my being flawed and human. Well guess what...I realized...we can all get what we want. Everything is attainable. So what was I thinking selling myself short?

I realized it was okay to set standards...on friendships, on relationships. I studied my friends...yes, I set standard on friends. Yes, I dont judge people but I choose who I become friends with. I usually go with those people who I got along with. So there...it's a standard. Right?

So I can also set a standard in choosing a partner. He could be at least a collage graduate from a reputable school, with a non-sissy course. He could be a board/bar passer if what he finished in college required this exam. He could be someone who was honest, respectable, with good breeding, open-minded, liberal, out going and accomodating. He could be someone who would easily get along with my friends. He must be someone who can stand up for me too. Someone who didn't need to do a** kissing for anyone just to get by. Someone who can speak good english, articulate, ambitious, well-read, well-mannered...and the list goes on. Why am I doing this? Because I am a well-educated person. I am liberal, open-minded, ambitious...I am alot of things. I was brought up properly. I have overly scrutinizing folks who would say everything and anything about people around me.

My grandma would always tell me, "I have so much to offer, I shouldn't settle for less. I must find someone who can level with me."

And she's right.

I may have done some stupid things the last couple of months but it has helped me reach to where I am right now. I gained lessons. I gained experience. I realized alot. And I'm happy I was miserable for a while...for if not. I may still be out there lost, scared, pining for someone.

Isn't there anybody who loves me?

Okay now dont give me the line..."Not even your mom or dad?"

Seriously...I'm not sure I want a relationship right now. But I kinda miss the feeling of loving someone and being loved back. Actually I think I love somene right now...but I'm having a hard time figuring out if he loves me too. The thing is afterall those shitty relationships, it seems I havent learned my lesson yet.

1. Love myself.
2. Keep the mystery.
3. Dont lose myself.

God, please help me. I know I don't deserve it because I don't go to church and all but I'll still ask.

Happy face.

I havent stopped smiling today. Well except for the 30-minute bitchin' I got from my mom. I guess now I have a reason to smile genuinely. No more fake smiles for me.

I heard that word again...forever. Although it would be fun to think about it...it wont be right. No such thing. I'll embrace what I have right now. Bathe in the gloriousness of it. It has come and it will go, eventually. And that part I have accepted. Till that day comes...I'm a happy face.

How could you?

How can you allow yourself to fall in love when just the mere thought of it is already breaking your heart?

Someone shoot me now. I think I am indeed on the edge of falling for someone. This can't be happening to me. Not yet. Not so soon. Not after the pain.

So how does one control these fluttery nice feelings when that person says hi? When he says something really sweet?. Something unexpected? Cant believe I am smiling through writing this entry!

He is way out of my league. Unattainable. Why do I hurt myself like this?

Someone shoot me. NOW.

A past that is being way too friendly.

"Part of the fantasy of every betrayed women is that one day the guy will come back and answer all your questions, and apologize for hurting you. But the thing is, he wont. He'll die a liar and will feel good about himself. That is how selfish he is. He cant give you closure, you have to find it yourself. You get angry with him then you get over him. Bless him in your mind and have peace with yourself. When or if he comes back you can say hi and goodbye in the same sentence."

- Tere Hao

I feel this paragraph. A week ago my past crept up to me again and blew my collected self out of wits again. After I blurted out some rather hurtful words, he managed to message me again a couple of days after. Gawd, I figured there is absolutely no use in trying to blow him off or trying to run away from him.

I finally just agreed to what he wanted half hoping he'd just disappear over time kind of like the ones who already did.

".. he cant give you closure"

No one can ever give us closure it is something we should attain ourselves. Closure is when we finally decide and accept that it was over. And wont bother with questions such as what happened, why it happened, and how it happened, anymore. It is within ourselves.

Love myself! :D

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous!"

- Carrie Bradshaw

One of the many remembered quotes from Sex And The City. Gawd I miss that show. Some people think it's non sense But you actually get something out of it. Life long lessons on life, love and well...sex. But sometimes they, the characters, immortalize some things that girls or generally people can relate to.

I love Samantha Jones the most. She is absolutely my kind of woman. Not afraid to say things that she wants, do things that she wants to do. She wants something she gets it. I wanna be like her. Someday I will be.

I hate goodbyes.

Goodbye. Yes I know that it is inevitable but I really hate it. Why does everything eventually end? So we can start again...I guess.

When are goodbyes good? When they make you cry and mope in a corner...even for a love that you thought will last...it doesn't...everything just ends...eventually.

I just said goodbye to someone. Well even though we only hanged out for a while...I cant help but be sad that he's leaving...so soon! I know I can always give him a call...or I will see him online and we can chat...but the 3 times we met up and chatted seemed so much more.

He said. No goodbyes, just see you laters...

Indeed...I wish everything is just a matter of see you laters...

Bon voyage...see you soon friend.

When is it over really over...

I just got a text message from a friend ranting about her former "love interest". I thought she said it was over...I guess it really wasnt.

I had told myself I am over. But I read thru some blog entries...and then it wasn't over. I may not be pining for him or longing for him to come back to me. But the pain is there it is evident.

When is it over?

"When you wake up not thinking when is it over..."

- Manel Castro

Alone Time? Not?!

I went out yesterday, supposedly to commune with myself. For the longest time I had wanted to get out alone and just sit there, stare at the nothingness, mull over some things, analyze, realize and execute. Oh well. Yesterday wasn't what I had expected to be. For the 2nd time my alone time wasnt alone time. I went up to Tagaytay with two very good friends who didn't know each other, now they do. Manel has been my friend since we were in 6th grade. Kevin WAS my online friend from New York who patiently listened to me rant, listened to me cry during the worst part of 2005. I know the worst is yet to come...oh well.

We spoke of a lot of things from ranting about how hot it was, to how we needed to stop smoking, to panting as we go up that blasted stairway from hell...seriuosly those risers are pure torture, to our revelation table admist a very nice view. Now that I think about it I think the view was wasted on us..hehe. From Manel's analytic view of life, relationships and what nots to Kevin's persistent "no comment" comment to my absurd sex lines that probably gained a couple of curious stares.

What I remember most of yesterday was this...quoting Kev

There's no such thing as "the one". You make that person "the one".