Sunday, January 20, 2008

The Joys And PAINS Of A (Fuckin') Long Distance Relationship.

Whoever said that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is seriously demented. He clearly wasnt in a long distance relationship. I doubt he was ever in one. He doesn't know the paranoia, the sleepless nights spent crying, the longing and missing. That person sucks. It doesn't help that my guy doesnt text me often rather just texts me when it's convenient for him to do so. Or worse, when he needs something from me.

But there are those times that's just so nice. He calls you and send you sweet messages (when he remembers). You feel good about everything. And it should be that way all the time because these are the things that really sustain the relationship. It's an endless rollercoaster ride of emotions. But it's never thrilling nor exciting but tiring for a weary heart.

I dont want to beg to be loved anymore. I've done that before, one time too many. I dont deserve to have to beg. I know I deserve to be loved in some way. Because I've loved with all that I am. I have given all that I can give.

I dont want to wait anymore. I'm just through with it. Phone calls, text messages, emails. I am waiting for nothing. I want to move on and not ever look back. Maybe those stupid promises dont mean anything. To make a girl wait is not right. Chivalry is dead. Everything is reversed. Girls go to their boyfriend's houses, we wait for them to pick us up, WE pick them up, buy them things. What happened? Have we become so desperate to keep them? It's our fault. We let them do this to us.

I dont want to think about him kissing another girl. Holding that girl's hand. I hate to think he's sleeping beside her. When it should be me he's doing all of those things with. I guess all of these choices are up to him.

I want some peace of mind. Stability. I want to know if this can work or not without anymore pain. I want to be asked how I am feeling, doing or if I was happy. I want a Valentine's card. I want to mean more than anything to him. I just want to be loved. Even if I am miles away and several hours late. I want to feel like I still belonged to him and that I never left. I want to move on from the confusion, the heartache and the uncertainty. It has to stop. My heart just can't take it anymore.

If he loved me he'd call me just to say he did, not when he wants something. If he loved me he'd have already sent those emails that he said he'd send, because he knew I have been waiting. If he really wanted to chat with me he'd wait everyday for me to come online If he loved me he'd send me messages every now and then to let me know I am remembered. And if he truly loved me, he would come here, to be with me.

Today, for the first time since I came here I sincerely prayed I could stay. I can't help but feel that there's truly nothing for me back home. Not anymore...

2 comments:

Nyx said...

Ano nanaman yan? Yang inner monologue mo? Napaparanoid ka nanaman... stop doing that to yourself... Kala ko mag online ka? kita mo yung message ko sa ym? heheh... ingat!

soulfoolchic said...

I did go online and I didnt get your message