Confessions Of A Broken Heart

This is not an attempt to turn the tide. This is me letting go (well, trying) and just letting it all out. I'm letting all the pains of my heart out in attempt to free myself from all the bottled up emotions. I want to tell my story. Then accept it happened. So, then after which I will forget it. And, hopefully...move on.

Like all little girls, I believed in fairy tales. One day I will meet my prince and he will sweep me off my feet. And once I got over my being Brian Litrell's wife fantasy, I started to wonder where my prince was. I had several mini-relationships and then I met my first love. We were together for a more than year. And then, we broke up. He met someone. I became bitter. I really thought that he was the one. I know it seemed to be ridiculous to hit the jackpot that soon. But you know, you are given feelings of being "the one". But I was wrong. I wanted to work things out with him. I begged him for another shot at us. But he said that he didn't feel the same way. And though it was a long, hard journey, in time I moved on.

With the help of school, work and friends I was able to forget about the pain he caused and just focus on the better things in my life. Little by little I thought less and less of him. I started to enjoy being single again. I started to enjoy my friend's company. I started to enjoy being alone. But still, I longed for my prince. I would think about him and me, holding hands and walking. I would dream about looking into his eyes. But I didn't know who he was.

I started to write him letters. Just things that say how I feel about him. And I was happy. Some of my friends thought it was ridiculous, but for me I knew in my heart that he will come to me one day. And I will love him like no other. And I knew he will do the same for me too. Soon after, I met someone. I knew he wasn't going to be good for me. I knew he was going to break my heart at one point. But I was blown away by the feelings that I believe God has given me. It was like magic. And I fell in love with him. I wanted him to be my prince.

And you know what the great thing was? He told me he wanted to be my prince too. He said he would end my fairy tale and make it real. And so I made the choice to let myself fall in love with him further. It was simple for me, I wanted him to be "the one."

We were together for 6 months and then I left. I followed my dream of working abroad. He let me go. I offered a practical solution. I asked him if he wanted us to break up and then maybe when I get home we can see if the feelings are the same and pick it up where we left off. He said that he wanted us to stay together. And with a happy heart I agreed. He assured me that he will be faithful. He said that he wont forget about our love and will not enter into another relationship while I was away. I hoped for the best as I always did. Before I left, we eloped. We had a small ceremony with two friends and a priest. It wasn't legally binding, but to me, the marriage is real.

I had my fears. I didn't want to lose him. But I knew that love can wait. I knew that once I've fulfilled my personal dreams, I can move on to fulfilling the dreams we have started to dream together. But I guess love wasn't enough. When you are lonely, how do you fight it? He strayed. He denied it to me whenever I brought it up. I felt it. I felt that something was wrong. I would have bad painful spasms in my heart at random times, and I knew then that there was something going on. But I didn't want to create so much tension between us so I tried to ignore it as much as I could. I pushed it back and tried to forget the thoughts. But still there is a lingering pain in my heart.

Several times, I am shown the truth and still, I ignored it. The hardest to ignore was the girl who told me about a past I never knew. A past he tried so hard to hide. He didn't think I can accept him for it. And it hurt, that he thought of me like that. I forgave him for it when he apologized. He said that he will not lie anymore. And that he loved me with all of his heart. All this time, he had been telling me that he had been faithful, that he didn't want to lose me. And there are moments where I would be so angry at him because of the things that had happened, I don't want to elaborate that much anymore. I keep asking myself if he really meant what he told me because I didn't feel that he did. But I continued to hope.

I made a mistake too. In my anger, and to make things even, I let go of myself. I did something I knew he had already done. Even when he denied it. And so I became no better than him. And now, the truth has come out. Every single disgusting truth, I don't know if there are any other truths out there. If so, I wish they'd reveal themselves now. But the questions are the same."If he was already with another girl? Then why did he tell me he wanted to work things out?" "Why would he say he loved me still?" "Why would he still call me his wife?" "Why me?" "What about the things he told me before I left, were they real?" "How do I know if this time it's the real deal?" "Does he really still love me as he did before?" "Or could it be because I had done so much for him, he was just ashamed to admit that he didn't anymore?" "Was it really just because he was lonely?" "Did he feel any real emotion for the other girl?" "Shouldn't he say that he cannot be with her because he loved me, and not because she's married?"

He said that the girl knew about me all along, but she liked him a lot. He said she was married and her husband loved her. She is married but the husband does not care about her, someone very close to her told me. And when I told him that it hurt that he loves her, he said that his love for her was just passing loneliness. It seemed like he was telling me that he didn't really love her at all. But she also said things that contradicted this. And I don't know what to believe sometimes.

I knew in my heart that I loved him. I did the things I did out of spite and anger. I knew it was wrong and I destroyed my own self in the process. I realized that I lost him a long time ago. I had been angry again. I was angry at him for trying to turn the tables on me, when all along he was the one who had been lying and cheating on me. It was an emotional shift from sad, to angry, and finally, I was just numb.

I have surrendered it to God. I asked Him to take it in His hands. And right at this moment I am acting on the feelings He is giving me. I rely on Him and His Holy Spirit to guide me and protect my heart from another blow. I asked Him to give me the strength to accept things as they come.

But you know what amazes me? When he asked me if we could try to work things out again, I said yes. We owned up to our mistakes and forgave. Though I am still trying to forget, I knew in my heart that my love for him will be enough to heal the wounds. My wounds. And I knew with time the pain will pass. I wanted my marriage. I wanted him. And if he kept his promise of being true not only to me but to himself, trust will be regained. I want to believe that people change if they really wanted to. I want to believe that he can change if he wanted to. I want to believe that love can heal even the most scarred hearts.

The hard part is not knowing what the future holds. Not knowing what is happening. There are times when my heart is griped by fear and uncertainty that this will work. There are times that I just want to know if it can work, because I didn't want to get hurt again. I've been hurt enough.

The hardest part is waiting. Waiting for the tides to change. Waiting for him to make a move, to make me see that we are going to make it. Waiting for him to send me a message everyday. I want him to let me know how badly he really wanted this. And that he'll do whatever it takes to turn things around. I do not mean to act like dead weight, but once he makes the move I will make mine. I will back him up and work with him to make everything right for us. I want to take his lead. After all he is the man of this house. He is the husband. I've already done my best for the longest time. And now it's his turn.

Sometimes, when I read other people's love stories I get envious. And I wish my love story will be the same. That love conquers all. I wish one day, I would tell my kids how hard it had been for us. And how we made it. And even if I wish I can protect my kids from the same kind of pain I felt. I know that knowing that every story has a happy ending will bring them comfort.