Emotional torture.

I've long since vowed that I didn't want to feel this way anymore. It's hell. But I'm a woman. Women have that incessant need to feel everything. I have that incessant need to analyze everything. I ponder endlessly. What do you think I do before I sleep and before I get out of my bed, those moments before sleeping and when I wake up where I just stare at my ceiling? Which explains why I am almost always late.

I didn't get to sleep last night. I slept at around 9 PM but I woke up at around 12 AM, crying. I forgot why, I think I was dreaming. I can't remember my dream though. But I remember fighting the urge to cry the whole afternoon. I can barely breathe. I can hear my phone ringing, for a moment I actually hated hearing my ring tone. It meant that he was either texting me or calling me. And I wanted to shut him off just as he shut me off, but my good nature(?), or maybe pathetic nature got the best of me. And what's sucks more about this suckfest is that I can't tell anyone. Why? I didn't want to explain to anyone what was happening, because I wont know how to start.

It's hard for me to dismiss thoughts because I am emotionally attached to these thoughts. And I'm not an emotional alchemist. And I am trying my damn best convincing myself that nothing is wrong when it seems like every braincell I have is screaming that I have to get to the bottom of this. And it's emotionally draining me.

I tried to go back to sleep. I blogged to get all the rage out. But I couldn't sleep everytime I closed my eyes I felt tears rolling down my temple. So, I ended up watching Charmed dvd's. Gawd, it was a long night.