Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Finding My Way Back...

"One of the worst feelings in the world is having to doubt something that you thought was unquestionable."

A friend of mine sent me this quote way, way back. We were going through what seemed like the biggest heartbreak of our lives. I used to go to her house and we would smoke two packs of cigs and drink two cans of beer each. And ramble on and on about our lack of a decent man in our lives. Maybe she could relate to the message and she wanted to share it to me. And I could relate to it as well, because I had been there. Loving someone with abandon, believing that it's never going to end, and then it does. And you sit there, trying to understand what had happened, what led to that, what you did wrong, and what you could've done to prevent it. It would go on for a couple of months sometimes it would take more. And then you realize you wasted so much of your time analyzing when there is no way to bring that person back into your life. He chose that path, and you can wait forever for him to choose to go back.

A year ago, I left behind someone who meant alot to me. Sure, I may not have known him all my life, but I loved him like no other. I gave him all that I had. All that I can. And all that I can't. In my previous blogs, I said that I when I left I was full of faith that it was going to work out. I gave him options that seemed more feasible. More practical, and he said that we should stay together, and deep inside me that's what I really wanted.

Being with him was just different. I felt a different kind of peace in his presence, it's like everything is still, calm and nothing can harm me. I have gone through the hardest things the past few months, in our relationship. The things that happened, I have forgiven. The forgetting part is the hardest. I guess, no one ever really forgets, because no one is meant to. Thats why we are given memories to keep. That's why people who get diagnosed with Alzheimer's get sad about losing their memories, because no matter how painful it had been, the good times were all worth the pain.

But then, these things that I cannot forget, it sometimes get to me. Its gets me so bad I start to jeopardize what Francis and I have. If he wasn't this patient and (as I would like to think) if he didn't love me so much, he would've walked away by now already. Honestly, I dont know if I will find my way back, or if I will get lost again as I have many times.

But I do know, that I love him. And maybe thats enough for me to hang on too. That my own feelings haven't gone. That I still love him despite of it all.

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