Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Breaking Up, Breaking Down.

I haven't slept at all tonight. Maybe a good hour. I was so disoriented. My heart was just racing and no matter what I did to calm myself, I just wasnt doing what I am supposed to do. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. This is going to be one long month.

I lost someone I love dearly last night. After almost a year of trying to stay together, another one bites the dust. I couldn't cry. I was rubbing my eyes last night to spill the tears out but I couldn't cry. I felt numb. Every hour I would check my phone and hope that he'd say it was a joke. At one point I woke up and thought that I was just dreaming. But I checked my phone and I wasn't.

Im shaking right now. Still reeling. But I still couldn't cry. You see, when I said that "I'm leaving it up to God's will." I was hoping it meant, we will weather the odds together. Oh well. I cannot help but feel that this is his way of getting away from the guilt. Like he is sitting back home, with his new gf. I gave him the perfect excuse.

Thing is, I thought he said that he can forgive me no matter what. I did the same for him. I thought we loved each other so much that we can see past through the ugly and still see a beautiful person. I loved him like that. I loved him through the pain he caused me. I forgave him for all his shortcomings. But I guess for some people, love is not enough to cover an offense, although the bible said it should.

I had been ready to give us another chance. The other night, I had a long talk with God, and asked him to take care of me. I surrendered all my fears to him, all the anxeity I felt, and left everything up to him. And everything started out good. In the morning we were talking again, like we normally did. Until I went home, and checked my stuff, everything went downhill from there. When everything seemed alright, that's always when it bites me back in the ass.

But maybe he's right, I have no clue what love is all about. Afterall I am nothing but a spoiled brat.

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