Thursday, March 18, 2010

Saving Myself.

My name is Rica, and I am 27 years old. And unfortunately, here I am again...nothing's changed. I made the same mistakes in my life, like I didn't learn anything at all. And now, I am trying to correct that. Do you know what I am really looking for in this world? LOVE. True love.

Someone to love and someone to love me. Something that is constant. Something that stays, not just something that fades and goes away. I've been in three life changing relationships. Each one had their own joys and fond memories. But the pain each one cost is the same. All of those three times, I included them in my plans. And finally, this last one -- I completely changed my life plans for him.

I wonder why the men I loved/love cannot go the extra mile? Why can't they show me that what they are saying is true? That all of their promises mean something? Why is it so hard for them to do it? Why is it so hard for HIM to do it? Now, right now, is when I need it most. Everyday my faith in him chips off. Everyday I can feel myself putting another layer on the wall in between us.

It's always my fault. I changed, I did this, I did that. I. I. I. I. I'm the evil one. It never occurred to you that maybe this is me, asking you to show me that there is real love. That true love exists. Because, once I believed and I got my heart broken. And then now I believed and I got my heart broken again.

I want to save myself. I want to save myself from anymore heartaches. Spin a protective hard shell over me once again, and make sure no one ever gets in. No one ever gets close enough to hurt me. How do you protect yourself from the one you love? So he can't hurt you anymore? So he can say every single bad thing about you and you don't feel anything? How?

I have to save myself from this. I have to save myself from him.

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