To my Prince,

There's still snow on the ground. But it wasnt as pristine and pure as it had seemed yesterday. On my way to the mall a guy in a truck splashed me with some muddy snow. And for a few hours my legs were really cold.

You know, I never felt so free in my life. I never felt so light inside. It didn't feel like I had anything weighing me down. I can finally be my carefree self and not worry about anything. I can finally spread my wings.

Thank you for making me feel all of that. Thank you! Smile. Please be happy today! Someone loves you!

:)

I'm reading old entries from 2009. And I found them funny. Funny that none of them are true now, funny how easy it was to say all those things.

I have a bad habit with the past. I should change it now.

Funny. Just funny.

:D

Mon cher Prince,

Today is my first real snow day! It was pretty exciting. I insisted on going out and doing some errands. I walked to the harbor and took some pictures. I picked up some snow, balled it up and threw it acroas the rail. I resisted the urge to lay down on the snow and make a snow angel. Lol

I am now listening to Christmas songs. I already heard one of my favorites. I am studying for my red seal exams even if I do not know if I can actually take it. But I still wanna study for it to get ready. I am wondering what is your favorite Christmas song? Tell me when we meet okay? I wanna know.

Prince, I love you. Thank you for making me feel so loved, even if you're not yet here! Thank you. Until we meet. I'll be here. I'll be ready. :)

Smile. Someone really really loves you! Be happy today!

:)

My Prince,

Snow is falling, everything is white

Are those your footprints in sight?

Can't help smiling when I think of you,

I hope that you're thinking of me too.

Smile. Someone loves you! Be happy today!

To My Prince,

A lil snow fell overnight and the town is almost blanketed in a beautiful white sheet. It's pretty. I wish you were here. Is snow falling where you are? Keep warm.

I was going to do my usual Tuesday night, hanging out with some friends at a pub called Trapper John's and watch an awesome band called Box. But I was watching some TV and sorting out some paperwork, I kinda got my downtime so I decided to keep it at that. I flaked out on my friends. Lol

I was reading all my older letters to you and I was smiling. I remember the feeling when I wrote those. It's the same. I couldn't stop smiling. I didn't realize how much I missed you. I hope you had missed me to. I hope you're getting closer. I can't wait!

Smile. Someone loves you. Be happy today.

:)

Old Letters...

I was sorting through my stuff and I came across some of the old cards, letters, poems and just the little things you have sent me through the three years we were together. I kinda felt sad, because now I wonder if they were ever real.

I guess when it gets really hard, it doesn't matter what people promised or said. They just start to forget about them. Like you did. Like I did. We're just a couple of fools.

Priiiiince!!!!

I am so excited! :) Am I meeting you today??? Befriend me ok? I don't want another whirlwind romance that can be extremely romantic but can also fall apart just like that! Befriend me, get to know me and then love me. And I will do the same. :)

I can't wait to get to know you! :) Forever is ours.

:)

Hi Prince,

I am so excited today! Thought about you all day. I am so excited to meet you. I was talking to Antonette about you, about believing that someone out there can love me despite the mess that I made of my life. Someone who believes in me and my capacity to love. :)

You inspire me to be a better person and I am slowly finding the direction I lost awhile ago. :) Thank you so much!

I will forever be grateful. I can't wait to be with you! I can't wait to meet you! I hope you havent stopped looking for me.

:)

My Prince,

Goodmorning!! Another work day, I feel rested today. Yesterday, I realized in my previous letter that I wrote to you like I was writing to him. I have to stop that now. You could be a totally different person. I'll keep that in mind and in heart.

I have to tell you something. There's a guy at work I've been spending time with recently. He's been a pretty good friend so far. I slept over his house two nights ago. It was a nice feeling to have company. You dont even have to talk. You dont have to do anythig we just ate dinner on his bed. Watched a few movies and later I fell asleep. I asked him if I could just crash and wake me up for church the next day. And he did. I love friends like that you know ?

I hope you don't mind if I have friends like that. I also stopped smoking again. Yup, I was smoking for awhile. But I thought real hard about it and I figured it doesnt really help me. If anything when I smoke I end up thinking about my problems and in those 5-10 minutes spent smoking I wallow. The drinking however helps me sleep.

Yesterday I went out to brunch with another friend and it was fun. Then I went to church. After that I swung by Nipa's and asked her if she wants to watch Breaking Dawn. I originally thought i'd be sad and embittered while watching espescially because of him but I wasnt. I actually thought about you. I was silently wishing you could be like Edward. Hopefully not a vampire. Haha Its always nice to think of love stories to be like that. And that it can happen in reality. After the movie we headed back to downtown. And I thought of what I will do after.

I was scared to go home after the movie. I didn't want to go home and feel miserable. But I was so sleepy. (Hmmm, I forgot to toss my laundry into the dryer. Lol I'll worry about that later. For now, I am with you.) So instead of going to the bar I made the walk up to my house. As soon as I plopped down on my bed I started to feel like I made a mistake. I shrugged it off and turned the tv on. And watched until I fell asleep. I dont even remember what show I saw last. I wonder what I'll be doing tonight.

Thinking of you. :)

My Own Rock.

You used to be my rock. When things were hard I always found comfort in being with you. Yeah even when the hard times were between us. But now I have to be my own rock. I have to find another place for comfort.

Whew. Great loves.

Christmas Wont Be The Same...

Christmas won't be the same without you...

Christmas won't be the same at all...

Sigh.

Hey Prince,

The past few days I've been talking to you and we've been arguing. We're spent now. It's sad. Today, I called my mom because I was feeling so desperate, yet again. And then I remembered I can't really talk to her about you because it might stress her out that I'm in this state of being/mind.

But like all moms she listened. And then I asked her how she was, how her lab test was. She then told me that she had stage 3 breast cancer. Ugh. Imagine? Here I am crying over a lost love when my mom had this illness. Wow.

So today, I decided that I will not cry for you anymore. I will not exhaust myself of thinking about the shoulda, woulda, coulda. Today, my #1 priorities are my parents. I hope you understand. It doesn't mean I'll forget about you.

I love you still. I'll be here.

To My Prince,

How are you? I didn't talk to you for a long time. I'm sorry. I thought I found you. But it doesn't seem that way any more, or is it? Anyway, I'm still confused. I am at crossroads, just looking ahead seems unbearable and uncertain. It's scary.

My heart is broken, yet again. It was nobody's fault than mine. I'm sorry. I am still not whole for you. Instead I keep breaking my own heart. My heart is in turmoil and my brain is swimming in it's own excessive thoughts. I thought of writing to clear my head. And then I thought about you. (Where are you? Are you still there?)

I really wanted him to be you. You know? I thought you finally found me. Maybe, maybe it IS you. I am so sorry, for treating you so badly. He had me at my best, while you had me at my worst. I tried to work through it you know? But my heart, my heart was so, so, so stubborn. It will not hear anything else. It will not feel anything else but fear of pain. I don't even know how I ever felt I loved you. Realizing how much anger, fear and pain I have in my heart. You tried your best I know. I love you for it. I never really was able to let you know how much I love you. How much you meant to me. I was so busy proving to myself you loved me. So busy.

Why did I need to prove to myself that you loved me? Because I needed it. I needed so badly to feel that there is someone who can truly, truly love me. I was so insecure that I didn't deserve to be loved. Because I wasn't sure if I have ever felt love from someone else besides my friends and my parents. The kind of love two people share, intense, inconvenient, can't live without you kind of love. We had that. And now it's gone. The funniest thing is deep down inside, all I really wanted was to be with you.

I suppose I really should let you go (even if I promised you I never will) because we both know you deserve better than a broken girl, who cannot love. Maybe one day we will find each other again. And if we don't then at least even through the pain we both caused each other we still have some good memories we can remember each other by.

I want you to know, I love you. And I am sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me.

How come I can believe in things like "meant to be" for others but not for myself?

How come I see old lovers breaking apart only to find each other again after many years and be happy for them but not believe that the same thing can happen to me?

Why can't I see that life has so much more to offer to me? Why not?

Liberty.

After a year and a half of harboring those messages, those chat exchanges, those copied wall posts that have driven me nuts over the past year, which have caused me so much pain. Just a few minutes ago...I deleted them. Yep. Gone. Forever. I felt liberated. I felt free.

I re-read them before I deleted them, expecting to feel a pang pain, something I felt every time I had read them in the past. And I didn't. I let out an exasperated sigh. A small smirk even.

This is a good thing.

Finally, freedom.

:)

Life vs Movies

The tragedy of life is that it's not like the movies. It's no use getting caught up in stupid romantic comedies, because those things don't happen in real life. No one ever arranges a flash mob to dance for you, or drives all the way where ever you are to tell you they love you, to apologize, to prove they feel what they feel. Or makes you a vampire so you can literally have forever.

Stupid romantic comedies.

October

It's October! This month I am turning a year older again. And I have nothing to show for it.

Crap.

Ber Months = Christmas

So, it's September! Meaning, it's Christmas time!!!! So my Christmas wishlist, as usual!

1. Him. Still, like every year since 2008.

2. Win the lottery jackpot! HEHE

3. A better opportunity, career wise.

4. Pass the Red Seal Exams!

5. A nice day (and get the day off) to hike up Signal Hill once again.

Thank you! :)

Remember when...

Remember when your boylet/boytoy/boyfriend would tell you he'll call you and when you would wait and he forgets to call and a fight ensues? Well, I am well past that stage. Things are so simple back then. If your guy calls as he said he would all would remain nice. If he didn't then that's another story. Of course, I didn't really think that forgetting to call could actually mean something else, like maybe he was calling another girl or worse is already out with someone else.

Now, we ask more important questions like "Is he the one?" "Can I trust him?" "Will he do everything in his power not to hurt me?" "Should I marry him?" "Will he be a good father?" "Will he be a good husband?" "Will I be a good wife?" "Can I live with the annoying things about him?" And the list goes on.

Hay. I'm so bored.

I am Jealous.

I am jealous of Nipa and Jamil. After 3 long years of being apart, they are finally together. Jamil is having a hard time at work and Nipa spends all her days waiting for him to come home, but is it worth it? I believe it is.

I am jealous of some friends who have been engaged around the same time I did and have long gotten married.

I am also jealous that some of them, also in long distance relationships have either already closed the gap between them or is closer to closing the gap.

When will it be my turn??? *sigh*