Wedding remnants...

I was at church today, sleepily listening to the homily, when I noticed a blue pamphlet. I took it and saw that it was a programme for a wedding held at the church yesterday. At the back, it read:

"Nothing is more practical than findng God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, what you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

- Rev. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

I couldn't think of anyone else but Francis. I blinked back tears. Why are there always tears when I think about him? Why is there a slight pang of pain in my heart? Is it because I miss him? Or because I remember the things that hurt me? Or because I honestly dont know where I am in his heart right now?

Before I left everything was set. We planned to get married as soon as we have enough money for a wedding and enough money to start us off a life together. When I got back he said that we will start to live together, because he couldnt stand being without me anymore. He said he didn't care what my folks thought of it. When I got back a condominium will be waiting for me and him to live in. He wanted 3 kids to start, but as we talk about it some more he would add until he just said, "I want plenty of babies!" I don't easily forget the things he says espescially the things that made me smile. You'd be surprised with all the things that I still remember.

I secretly pictured living with him in my mind. I'd pretend to be waking up beside him instead of my room mate. I'd smile at the thought that I'd be preparing his breakfast for him, preparing his clothes for work on the bed. I'd pretend to have strong lean arms pulling me towards him at night.

So many dreams. And now, I dont know how tomorrow will look like. All I know is that, all of this is for love.

Heaven.

I just put down my copy of The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. It was a good story. But kinda over rated for all the raves I got for it. Although it wasn't bad. It was good. The chapter that touched me most was when he was with his wife, Marguerite. It was heart wrenching. Is that what true love is? That when the person you loved has gone they can still feel the love that you had for them in after life.

"Life has to end." She said. "Love doesnt."

I think I rather like that kind of love. If heaven is like what the story says it is then I will not take my own life, like I sometimes want to, so I can have my own choice of what kind of heaven I want to live in.

If I could choose it: I would choose a heaven that is peaceful where I sit in a bench cozied up to the one I love. Where we are safe from the beatings of the cruel world. Where we are safe from people who wants to see us apart. And I will wait for him there.

Confusing.

Eons of blog entries back, I said I wanted to keep my life simple. I do. I really do. But it's hard! Situations, feelings and everything else in between is making it hard. I wish it was that easy to say everything is okay. But it's not.

Right now I am very confused with what he says and what he does. I wish everything was just consistent. Everything in black and white. No grey areas. I hate being in the grey area where no is sometimes a yes, and yes is never what it seems to be.

Back To Square 1.

I'm home alone again
And you're out hangin
with your friends
So you say
Somehow I know it's
not quite that way
It's getting pretty late
And you haven't
checked on me all day
When I called you didn't answer
Now I'm feeling like
your ignoring me
I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms

And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

I wish I wasn't
in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
it just ain't fair the
way you treat me
No you don't deserve me
Wasting my time thinking
bout you when you ain't
never gon change
I wish I wasn't in
love with you so I
wouldn't feel this way

When you touch me my heart melts
And everything you did
wrong I forgive
So you play me and take advantage
Of the love that I feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you
that's why I'm so mad
Now I'm drowning in disappointment
And it's hard for me to
even look at you
And I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms
And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

Said you care about me
But from what I see
I ain't feeling that
So I disagree
Gave you all my love
And understanding
And you're treating me
like your enemy
So leave me alone
Don't want nothing from you
Just go back where you came from
This house is no longer your home
You are not welcome no no no more

Hear you knockin' at the door again
I'm wonderin' should I let you in
I open up the door and see
The flowers for me
so beautiful in your hands
you stopped begging me
to take you back
I've always been a
sucker for romance
And before you know
it I concede
You're all over me
Oh no here I go again
I wish I wasn't in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
_______________________________

Why is it that I always, always end everything with this song. Argh. :(

When I went to church this morning towards the end of the mass, the priest called out to a couple who wanted to renew their vows. They were together for 65 years? Wow, can you imagine? I mean, some people get so annoying as they grow old. Some people are just annoying. Period.

And then tears started to roll down my eyes, father said something like "it has not been an easy journey together, i am sure there are hardships and trials, father we ask you..." That was it, a line that I will always remember. 65 years. I wonder what they went through together. Is it anything like what I am going through right now?

Closing Cycles...

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Last Letter.

Hey,

You know very well how much I loved you. When we first met, I remember how scared I was to fall in love with you because I didn't want to get hurt. I looked at you and I saw a person who was just going to jerk me around, like most of them did. But as I got to know you better, I thought that it was safe to let me guard down. To let you in. And my life changed. Wanting you to become my prince was different from actually living it. Now, my letters are especially meant for someone.

I know perfectly well that fairytales are too good to be true, but the only thing that seemed simillar to fairytales and real life are the challenges along the way before they live happily ever after. You showed me how to love without your presence, and even love greatly when I was finally with you.

I know I hurt you when I left. It was cruel. We were just starting out together and I had to leave. To fulfill my dreams. I know it seemed that I didn't have dreams with you in it. I did. I have plenty. But I thought to myself we have our entire lifetime to build them. And I only had this moment to fulfill mine. I was selfish. You had every right to be mad at me for leaving.

I felt you get angry. I felt it. I deserved every hurtful thing you said to me. And maybe I deserved the way you sometimes treated me. I want to make things better for us. Whenever I tried to talk to you about us, you always seemed to be eager to make things work between us. Which meant alot to me. I cannot wait to go home to start doing this with you, working things out. But there is also a part of me that asks "What if we cant work it out?" I dont know. I am selfish again. Because I dont want to go home and face that. I can't. It's too painful to lose you.
You told me many times that I was the greatest/best thing that happened in your life, but why don't you treat me that way anymore. Sometimes I want to walk away from you. But I am scared you will just watch me leave. You wont run after me. You won't talk me out of leaving. Walking away is not because I do not love you anymore. Sometimes people walk away because they want to know how much a person loves them. Sometimes people break up with you because they want you to want them back. But then there are people like you, people who are proud. I don't blame you. You had your share of experiences, that led you to the person that you are right now.

I just wanted to love you. At first I was content just loving you. Until you said, you loved me back. And it was the best kind of love I have experienced in my life. But it's changed. Like the wind, like footprints in the sand, it's slowly getting washed away. I want the pain to stop. And just love you all over again. And you can love me all over again too.

You always told me that love can wait. I want to hold on to our promises and vows. To the plans and dreams that we have together. But those fantasies has to stop. I am not putting false hopes on our love that was lost. I walked away not because I stopped loving you. I walked away because it's time to face the truth. People change, feelings fade away, and you were also susceptible to that. I dont know what the future might have for me, if along the way I will see you again. You weren't even kind enough to respond to me. I guess that was it. I knew it, you would let me walk away, maybe because you didn't care enough run after me.

I loved you. A person just has to know when to accept defeat and let it go.

Summer.

Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where it's always summer? Or since the world turns and that is impossible then live in places where it's summer time so all of your life it's always summer!

Like:

Summer in Phils is March to May
Summer in US is June to September
Summer in Australia December to Feb

So I just have to figure out where to go on October and November, where would it be summer time on these months?! Wouldn't it be absolutely fun?! Especially if you live very near the beach. I love summer time.

P.S I Love You.

I've wanted to read this book for awhile. I haven't gotten around to it. But yesterday I saw the movie, thanks to housemate, Richard. I was crying like a baby! And he laughed at me alot. What can I do?! I cry easily! Remember the Mc Donald's commercial, Karen po? I used to cry when that commercial went on tv.

Back to the movie. Gerard Butler was HOT! Weeeeeeeeee! As in! Not to mention the accent was super HOT! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!! James Masters (or whatever), Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, looks really old! And there's another hot guy with an accent. HEHE

Anyway, while watching the movie, I can't help but wish that I would have a guy like Gerry (not Gerard Butler, but the character -- although Gerard won't be THAT bad. HAHA) I mean he actually helped his wife, Holly (Hilary Swank) move on and get over his death.

But the words that kept ringing in my head is...

What do you want? I know what I want, cause I'm holding it in my hands right now. You.

- Gerry Kennedy

Haller!!! Sino ba naman hindi maiinlove sa ganyang asawa diba? I swear those words rang in my ear over and over and over again. I wish alot of people, including myself, would know what they wanted when they're still holding it in their hands, not when it's already gone. I think if most of us, ayan ha hindi all, knew or had this wisdom the world would be a much happier place.

If we all knew what we would be missing without that person in our life, then we can end an endless chain of senseless loss. And the only loss we will experience is when our loved one's time has passed. But then it wont be such a loss, because we know we cherished them even to the last moment of their lives.

A (Mr.) Big Happy Ending.

I realized, I want a Big happy ending. You know, painful, long, messed up relationship, but still works in a abso-fuckinlutely good way. Labo ba? You think I am taking this SATC addiction quite too far, right? No, not really. It's just that love is really that, painful, happy, endless, and sometimes messed up! But when two people make it a common goal to work things out then it does work out. I mean I have been there, wanting to work things out, it's just the other person didn't want to, until later on when I wasn't interested anymore.

You know that thing where you didn't think he'd actually go far to try to get you, then he pulls a big surprise and he does? Things like that. I have a friend who is obssessed with finding someone who will fall crazy in love with her. I don't know as how crazy she wants the guy to be, but I hope not as crazy as some of my Bubu's ex bitches. And I think she's crazy to actually want something like that.

What I want is this...

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

- Carrie Bradshaw

Inner Monologues...again.

Sometimes I have these bad break up conversations with Francis in my head. Where I contradict myself and him. I point out all our promises and vows. And it just dawned on me, that I shouldn't think about those things because I am never going to have those conversations with him.

And so, I tried to remember what the things that he's told me. "I don't play around coz i'm not a kid. My respect for you still stands firm. We'll work this out together...you and me...i will stay and hold my ground. When the time comes that you no longer need me then I shall leave, but for now, I will care for you. I will continue this journey. I will FIGHT for us if i must. I'm here to stay, I will protect YOU and you will protect me."

These are the things that bring me comfort.

This Is What Reading Archived Blogs Does To You.

One of the best things we can do in our lives is this: Begin again. Begin to see yourself as you were. When you were the happiest and strongest you've ever been. Begin to remember what worked for you (and what worked against you), and try to capture the magic again. Begin to remember how natural it was when you were a child -- To live a lifetime each day. Begin to forget the baggage you have carried with you for years: the problems that don't matter anymore, the tears that cried themselves away, dnd the worries that are going to wash away on the shore of tomorrow's new beginnings. Tomorrow tells us it will be here every new day of our lives; and if we will be wise, we will turn away from the problems of the past and give the future -- and ourselves -- a chance to become the best of friends. Sometimes all it takes is a wish in the heart to let yourself begin again.

Can you believe that I commented this to my friend. It's a poem I found a long time ago, that I have forgotten. Why do we forget these things? We shouldn't. These are lessons. We really shouldn't forget them.

I dont think it is right to even find someone like what you're looking for, nor become a person like that.We need someone who can be there even if we dont see or feel him physically. And hope that this person accept us for who we are and also teach us to become a person who not only "see" but also "feel", without having to be clingy.

One more. I mean, I am smart right? I mean look at the things I have been saying?

I am so disappointed with the person I have become! Well...not really. Just with the way I have dealt with my relationship. It's like I didn't learn anything AT ALL! But on the brighter side, I have learned to become more independent and self reliant due to rising needs to be one.

Wait! Wait! It's 8:30 AM on my side teh world, and the sun is out. I should be out tanning. I'll be back to ponder more on my inconsistencies.

SATC.

I finally saw the Sex And The City Movie, well, a crappy version of it. But nonetheless it was what I have been expecting from it. Lessons, lessons, lessons. Its weird right, can you really pick up lessons from this movie? Well, I don't know about you but I picked up some stuff from the series.

I love these lines:

"It's not logic, it's love."

- Carrie Bradshaw

I think I've seen this series from the start that I have seen Carrie make up and break up with Big. All the pain. Okay, I know it's a fictional character, but what happens to them has happened to alot of people in the real world. They love, their loved ones hurt them but they forgive. Maybe it doesn't work out for everyone, but it does work out okay in the end.

"I will love you forever. Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours."

- Mr. Big

At the beginning of Carrie's relationship with Big, I thought he was the kind of man who didn't know anything about love. Until this. He just struck me as someone who just jerks around. And I have met men like him a couple of times.

Carrie's gotten her happy ending. Would it be so bad to wish for a SATC ending like Carrie's? I mean after all the pain we all go through, with life, or with relationships, are happy endings just for movies? At one point can everyone get theirs?

Stress.

OMG! I am so stressed out.

The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was gonna do my midterms for ISCAHM. Which by the way I ended up acing. HEHE.

I am so stressed that I am either throwing up or well, you know. And I haven't been able to finish my meals. Not even a freakin' grilled cheese sandwich. And I don't even eat much anymore.

I sleep late and wake up at 6 AM every time. Even if slept at 2 AM. Argh. It all started at the beginning of the week.

Before I Met You.

Do you remember my Prince letters? I found a song that tells my love story.

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[chorus:]

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

~~~
Was it the same way for you too? :)

Love.

Today, I thought about love alot. What is it? Do we really understand what it means?

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."

- Peter Ustinov

"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."

- Erich Fromm

So, this is why we always want to have someone to love us. That we are all lost souls in this universe seeking out for our one true mate.

"In the final analysis, love is the only reflection of man's worth."

- Bill Wundram, Iowa Quad Cities Times

I wonder if St. Peter, will ask us if we ever really loved anyone unconditionally when we are at heaven's gates.

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

- Elizabeth Browning

I agree. Totally.

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

- Woody Allen

Yup, right down here!

And my favorite of all...love from the Bible.

Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. (NIV)

Proverbs 17:9
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends. (NLT)

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV)

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV)

Ephesians 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (NIV)

~~~
I know you're wondering why right? I have fallen a few times only to bruise myself and each fall, I have survived. I have become cynical and embittered by past experiences in loving someone. Until I came to terms that seeking out love is not how it works. So I let it be, instead I started to dream and hope for my Prince. And someone came. And I made a choice to love him. I made a choice for him to my Prince.

Things haven't been perfect, sometimes, they were hard. But my heart tells me not to give up. My heart tells me only to love him more. After all, love shouldn't end. Because it is not love when it ends. So a love story is not a love story if it has an ending. This is the reason why most fairy tales end with a happily ever after...

Home.

This song sums up all that I feel at this very moment, and the last couple of days...

Do I still have one?
_______________
I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

It's called a Yo-yo.

Im a yo-yo. My emotions are up and down, up and down.

I miss my bubu. - I miss his love letters, his text messages and his calls.

I hope I'll see him very soon.

I wish I'd be there for his birthday.

I wish I'd be the one he saw whenever he looked at someone's way...

Quick To Panic.

Panicky again.

Its hard when you're 25, nothing in the bank to your name, no property to your name. I mean like me, I want to buy a condo unit back home. God knows why because I also want to migrate but I just want one. And I dont know why. Some people have it easy they have parents who are rich enough to buy the condo for them.

There are some like me who have to earn their way to some things. Its weird that my friends and better half say I'm a brat. So basically now I am panicking because I'm leaving a safety net. When I go back, I'll go back to my mom's house and live with her nagging and ratatat.

At least my dog will be there. I miss him so much! But I miss his daddy more! HAHA

I had a good start. I dont know why I pushed it. Now, it's downhill.

I went to church, and I just felt like its the safest place in the world.

No one will judge me, I can silently cry out in anguish and I know I will be heard.

I know things will get better. I read somewhere that in the end, everything will be okay. If it's not, then it's not the end.

Questions?

How do you know if a person loves you?

Is it how much he tells you? Or how much he remembers to text you?

Why is it that we know God loves us?

But not know if a person really does?

How do you tell a frantic heart to not worry?

How do you know when to face facts or just continue living a lie?

How do you know when you're being decieved or when you are not?

How do you know when to stop and let it all go?

How do you know when to keep fighting?

Are these questions just here because you're not here beside me?

Will it be different if you were?