You know very well how much I loved you. When we first met, I remember how scared I was to fall in love with you because I didn't want to get hurt. I looked at you and I saw a person who was just going to jerk me around, like most of them did. But as I got to know you better, I thought that it was safe to let me guard down. To let you in. And my life changed. Wanting you to become my prince was different from actually living it. Now, my letters are especially meant for someone.
I know perfectly well that fairytales are too good to be true, but the only thing that seemed simillar to fairytales and real life are the challenges along the way before they live happily ever after. You showed me how to love without your presence, and even love greatly when I was finally with you.
I know I hurt you when I left. It was cruel. We were just starting out together and I had to leave. To fulfill my dreams. I know it seemed that I didn't have dreams with you in it. I did. I have plenty. But I thought to myself we have our entire lifetime to build them. And I only had this moment to fulfill mine. I was selfish. You had every right to be mad at me for leaving.
I felt you get angry. I felt it. I deserved every hurtful thing you said to me. And maybe I deserved the way you sometimes treated me. I want to make things better for us. Whenever I tried to talk to you about us, you always seemed to be eager to make things work between us. Which meant alot to me. I cannot wait to go home to start doing this with you, working things out. But there is also a part of me that asks "What if we cant work it out?" I dont know. I am selfish again. Because I dont want to go home and face that. I can't. It's too painful to lose you.
You told me many times that I was the greatest/best thing that happened in your life, but why don't you treat me that way anymore. Sometimes I want to walk away from you. But I am scared you will just watch me leave. You wont run after me. You won't talk me out of leaving. Walking away is not because I do not love you anymore. Sometimes people walk away because they want to know how much a person loves them. Sometimes people break up with you because they want you to want them back. But then there are people like you, people who are proud. I don't blame you. You had your share of experiences, that led you to the person that you are right now.
I just wanted to love you. At first I was content just loving you. Until you said, you loved me back. And it was the best kind of love I have experienced in my life. But it's changed. Like the wind, like footprints in the sand, it's slowly getting washed away. I want the pain to stop. And just love you all over again. And you can love me all over again too.
You always told me that love can wait. I want to hold on to our promises and vows. To the plans and dreams that we have together. But those fantasies has to stop. I am not putting false hopes on our love that was lost. I walked away not because I stopped loving you. I walked away because it's time to face the truth. People change, feelings fade away, and you were also susceptible to that. I dont know what the future might have for me, if along the way I will see you again. You weren't even kind enough to respond to me. I guess that was it. I knew it, you would let me walk away, maybe because you didn't care enough run after me.
I loved you. A person just has to know when to accept defeat and let it go.
Friday, July 04, 2008