Monday, June 04, 2007

I broke my heart.

I was with him yesterday. I wasn't feeling well but I willed myself to go see him, because I missed him. When I was with him na and when I told him that I wanted to go to mass first he started walking fast. He actually left me to look at his back briskly walking past, not even caring to look back to see where I was. And then I wondered if he'll notice if I was no longer following him, would he look for me if I suddenly left. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I began to pray to God to make him look back and stop and wait for me, but he didn't. He stopped only when he found that there was no mass. So he waited until I got to where the chapel is to tell me. And he proceeded inside. I sat a couple of pews from where he sat. And I prayed. After I stared at his back. And began to ask God why things are changing between us. I watched him, and I remembered how I prayed to God for someone to love and someone to love me. And how right then and there I felt us drifting apart. And how my heart ached at this thought. A few more minutes, I watched him take his glasses off and he knelt to pray. I contemplated if I will wait for him to finish or if I'm going to sit beside him and wait there. After while I stood up and sat beside him. I tried to meditate. But I couldn't, I was consumed by the sadness that I felt. He took my hand and I dismissed the feeling. I chose to enjoy being with him.

Today, I told him I was letting him go. I don't know if I made the right decision. Surely, after I've cried all the tears I can afford to cry, I will hate myself for choosing to set him free. But I don't want to hurt anymore. And I don't want to hurt him anymore. I can see in his eyes that he's not happy. His eyes didn't sparkle when he looked at me. It used to, and how I loved it when it does. It's been 2 months and I still don't know how to talk to him about how I felt. We never talked about how we felt.

I admit, I wish I can take it back. But the ball is now in his court, he can choose to play the game or to stop. But maybe getting no reaction from him is enough, and I can start speculating about how he truly felt about me, about us. God, I wish he'd choose to stick it through. But wishing doesn't do anything.

It's painful, to wait, here. To wait and then find out that it's exactly what he's been wanting to hear. It's painful to wait and feel your world crumbling down, slowly, painfully taking it's time. And what kills is that maybe to him, it's like nothing happened. While I'm...dying.

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