Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Can I mean something else to someone?

You know that feeling that even when he tells you he loves you, you just can't help but feel insignificant? Yes, I'm having one of those. It's been three months of bliss, anxiety, petty fights and what not.

I don't question that he loves me. But sometimes, there's just things that he does that makes me momentarily numb up. Reel from that pang of pain I feel. I'm sure he doesn't mean, maybe half the time he is unaware. So I chose to keep it. To nurse the pain away, but then it happens again. And again, and you just can't help it anymore. You break down.

To some it's nothing. And I tried to make it seem like nothing several times. Talked myself down, consoled myself, slapped myself several times just to shake it all off. I smiled. Sometimes, I think I smiled too hard.

Sometimes, I hate myself for looking at things that can possibly hurt me. Yes, I saw you updated your profile, added a picture and I clicked to see what was new. Then there it was, nahulog ang puso ko. The questions and pain started to well up, the instantaneous effort to tell myself it's nothing and the fighting back of tears. Pain. I have very low tolerance for pain, and my emotional pain translates to physical pain because I try to keep it locked up inside. Instead of crying, I fought back the urge. I started having difficulty breathing, and I felt defeated. Tears started to stream down my cheeks.

A friend of mine said it's just a profile. But why does it cause me so much pain? He is right. Another friend said it's not JUST a profile. When your heart can't shake the feeling off then it matters.

So ultimately, I asked myself:

Who am I to this person?

Is my pain worth it, whatever he is thinking or doing?

When is he going to be proud to be with me?

If he thought that I was too much for him, then why does he end up taking these feelings for granted?

Where do I stand?

Why does it seem that he still wants to be with other girls, because it seems he still wants them to think he didn't have anyone?

I didn't force him to be with me, he was the one who made that choice, right? So why do I deserve this?

No comments: