Yuengling. It's a good beer.
7 ft beach towel, can you believe it?!
I can't find the bathing suit I want. Fuck it.
Bumped into John at TJ Maxx.
Two adventures cancelled. Dammit.
Captain Hiram? Where art thou?
Brazilian boy is funny as shit.
Zacky-poo leaving at the end of the week. (I will miss you, baby boy!)
Five more weeks.
Done. Done. Done.
It's spring again. It will be almost a year since I came back here in the US to be with him. One year. And I only got to spend time with him thrice since. And now...I don't know how to be with him. How to get past these issues we have. I just don't.
One year of enduring the loneliness of being alone, being away from my friends, working a job that though I love, with the conditions of my visa, doesn't allow me to grow in the profession. All this for him, for our dreams and for the future we promised each other.
But...now what?
I want to say Thank You to...
- Some surprise people. I wont mention your names here but I want you to know I am thankful for your moral support and for cheering me up.
- Two old loves.
Popo -- you have always, ALWAYS been there for me. I cannot stress enough how much I value our friendship. So it's true in some weird way...kahit anong mangyari. :) Thank you!
Francis -- You know me in a different way. Thank you for your words of encouragement. And thank you for always making me see that I can have the best. You still owe me though. But it doesn't mean you haven't helped me by telling me the truth when I asked for it.
- April -- your wisdom amazes me. I wish when you encounter these problems you would practice what you preach. Thank you for everything.
- Antonette -- tough love. Thank you.
- Kevin -- another tough love. But thank you. I miss you. I hope to see you soon. :)
- Manel -- MIA. But the time you were not. Thank you.
- Sital and Niko - for keeping me company during those nights I can't stand to be alone.
- Jaime, Zacky, Mikey, Anthony, Dave, Rachel, Regina, Reddis, Russ -- for the concern and for making me laugh. You guys are the best people I have had the pleasure of working with so far. :) Thank you, thank you.
- And you, yeah you. Rey -- I don't know what to do with you. You hurt me so much. But I still would like to thank you...for everything.
I just want to be free from pain. I want to forget all the painful things I read and saw and continue living. I know I love him. My heart bleeds just thinking about him this way that I do. Whenever I think about him, I still think about that guy I first fell in love with. And I try to connect him to the guy I am with now. And they are so different. He must feel the same way. I know I am not the same person he first fell in love with.
I just want to be free from pain. I want him in my life. But I can't have him if I think of him this way. He's my savior. I have this pure, clean image of him in my head. And now it's not like that anymore.
I just want to be free from pain...especially this kind of pain.
That's all.
My name is Rica, and I am 27 years old. And unfortunately, here I am again...nothing's changed. I made the same mistakes in my life, like I didn't learn anything at all. And now, I am trying to correct that. Do you know what I am really looking for in this world? LOVE. True love.
Someone to love and someone to love me. Something that is constant. Something that stays, not just something that fades and goes away. I've been in three life changing relationships. Each one had their own joys and fond memories. But the pain each one cost is the same. All of those three times, I included them in my plans. And finally, this last one -- I completely changed my life plans for him.
I wonder why the men I loved/love cannot go the extra mile? Why can't they show me that what they are saying is true? That all of their promises mean something? Why is it so hard for them to do it? Why is it so hard for HIM to do it? Now, right now, is when I need it most. Everyday my faith in him chips off. Everyday I can feel myself putting another layer on the wall in between us.
It's always my fault. I changed, I did this, I did that. I. I. I. I. I'm the evil one. It never occurred to you that maybe this is me, asking you to show me that there is real love. That true love exists. Because, once I believed and I got my heart broken. And then now I believed and I got my heart broken again.
I want to save myself. I want to save myself from anymore heartaches. Spin a protective hard shell over me once again, and make sure no one ever gets in. No one ever gets close enough to hurt me. How do you protect yourself from the one you love? So he can't hurt you anymore? So he can say every single bad thing about you and you don't feel anything? How?
I have to save myself from this. I have to save myself from him.
Love is something we all want. Everyone wants to love and be loved. We all seek it. It was the fall of 2008. I was going home. I just got out of a bad relationship too. I met someone. And I thought he was perfect. We connected in such a way that I have never connected to anyone. We had alot in common. We have the same wavelength of thinking. It's a bit of a surprise. His name is Rey. And I loved him dearly. Perhaps, I wasn't the best girlfriend he's had. I am good when I'm good. But I am also a bitch when I'm a bitch. The past months were hard. Everyday is a struggle for us to get through. There are times when I wondered what I was doing there, why was I allowing these things to happen to me. The answer is Love. I love him. That is why even when he doesn't show me he loves me as much as before, I stayed. Even when it was painful, I stayed. I waited. I am still waiting. I do not not for what though.
Trust is something that is hard to give. Most people have to earn it. It takes years and years to build this foundation. It wasn't hard for me to trust him. I do not know why. I guess, it's because I am a very trusting person. I usually trust everyone first and when they do something that breaks that trust, everything changes.
I feel betrayed. Right now, I feel very betrayed. And he's not doing anything to make it right. If you love someone, proving to him/her that you love her is easy. It's a no-brainer. Even when you are mad, even when you say you are tired. You love her/him! You would do anything not to hurt him/her. ANYTHING.
Lies -- EVERYBODY lies. I have been lying to myself. I have been convincing myself that that you still love me because you tell me. I feel it sometimes.
I just don't understand why you are allowing this to happen to me, if you love me. Why can't you just be true to yourself? So you can be true to me.
Backstreet Boys
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
there are people who say what you wanna hear
even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear
when you really really love someone am i right
when i say that you want them near
and if you care you even tell them things
that they wanna hear
always forever
one thing she said
never say never
the simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said she said yeah
there are people
who say what they really mean
she said she'd always be there
she said she'd always care
but jsut when you think that you can trust that someone you love
tell me why do you know how stars can fall from above
always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh ohho yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be togethter
thats what she said she said
cause you made promises that you couldn't keep (ooo)
but you're not hurting yourself
you're only hurting me
why would you say things that you really didn't mean
oh how can i make you see just what you did to me
ooh you said how much you really care
just when i thought i was in love
girl how could you care
if i were you i could not lie even once to the face of the one
that i love so much
always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had.
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we're see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be together.
oh thats what she said.
What's the difference when his friend says (not verbatim) "It should end. You don't have to end it badly but it should end." And my friend saying "Leave him."
The way I see it, it only means one thing. They think this relationship should end. BUT, of course because him and his friends are the immaculate ones - therefore they are not judgmental, my friend is judgmental.
So I asked another friend of mine, without explaining fully the situation, just asking him what he thought was the difference between the statements and he told me that they are both judgmental. They are both judging the relationship. He also said that the first statement which sounded nicer could be more judgmental, if you think about it, but is trying not to be judgmental.
The difference is this, for him his friend is the better friend because she is not judgmental as she appears to be. And my friend he thinks ill of because he's judgmental.
What kind of a fucked up world do I live in?
I remember in the summer of 2008, at the height of all the stress I was feeling, I was getting sick. And now it's back, like my headaches, the diarrhea, the nausea. I wish it was just a bad hangover. But the truth is I didn't have a single drink last night. I just remember crying myself to sleep.
When I woke up this morning, I had a headache. And now it's slowly slipping to the back of my head. It's not so bad. It doesn't prevent me from doing my job, it's not as bothersome but it is irritating. Like an itch I cant scratch. It's just my emotional distress have become so great it's starting to manifest itself physically.
Old symptoms. It's all the same things, over and over. My head is spinning because I am going in circles. I am just caught in this spinning vortex of lies, truths and make believe. Three years on a roller coaster. I really really need to get off.
STOP! I WANT TO GET OFF!!!!
"The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they're right if you love to be with them all of the time."- Julia Child
I just realized I have one thing from Valentine's Day.
A heart sticker from Mama Jo. So I took a picture of it as a remembrance.
Questions, pondering, endless...random...again, endless...
I check out your profile, and I see endless comments here and there, something pops out and makes my heart ache. Like a stab. A pang of pain, something physical I can't explain.
What do I do now? Now that things weren't as clear, as say some 6 months ago? I can't believe I would ever feel this way towards you. YOU, I didn't expect to feel this way towards you. You were the only thing/person that was constant for me...until now.
But you don't care do you. You say you're sorry but I don't even feel a hint of sympathy in your voice. It's like you're saying it just so I would feel better.
Why do I still love you? If I was in a better state of mind and heart, I would've just left. But I can't. I won't. I just wont give it up even if it's already killing me.
I hate you for hurting me this way. And I hate myself for letting you.
I was watching Le Divorce the other day and Roxy said "...I didn't realize that when you really love...there's no freedom at all. Except to die." It's true.
I just want this to be over and done with. I want to give my heart a rest. It's been so battered and broken. It has to rest. It has to heal. Being with you healed me, for awhile, but then you broke me all over again.
Happy Venereal disease Day! :P
By dating coach David Wygant
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where the frustration level and the number of times you butt heads with each other seems to increase by the second? You say blue, she says red, and the fights just seem to be going in circles.
If the answer is yes, then you may be at what I call "the breakup point." Here are five signs that your relationship may be past the point of fixing. Whether you are living together, married, or just dating, these breakup signs are usually loud and clear.
1. You stop relationship-building behaviors. In the honeymoon stage of a relationship, which we all know is the first 90 days of pure bliss, you are learning about each other and making efforts to create romantic moods and nice evenings. When you're in that stage, you are really working at building your relationship. Then, at some point, you start to butt heads with each other. Critical relationship elements deteriorate. Maybe you stop kissing each other goodbye or stop texting each other during the day. Instead of adding things to the relationship, you start to resent each other like two five-year-olds who stop sharing their crayons. This is a breakup point.
2. You don't understand each other anymore. The fighting escalates to a place where you no longer feel like you're understood by your partner. Physical intimacy stops, communication stops, and you are living like roommates. You're at the point in the relationship where you are trying to understand each other, but you get so frustrated because you feel like you just don't understand each other anymore. This is a breakup point.
3. You start punishing each other. When you get to the point of no longer understanding each other, what happens is that you end up just kind of coexisting in the new dynamic. Resentment builds and you get in your head too much. You are no longer about feelings, and you start punishing each other. "Well, he hasn't done this for me, so I'm not going to do this for him" are the kind of thoughts that take root. The longer you stay in that dynamic and the further away you get from the dynamic you had during the early part of the relationship, the less likely it is that you'll ever get it back (and, after a point, you won't). You have hit the breakup point.
4. You fight less. When you get to the breakup point, you actually fight less with your partner. You fight less because in your mind and heart you start detaching yourself from the other person, and you don't care as much anymore. You have already made a determination that they don't understand you, that they will never understand you, and that the relationship just won't work out. The minute you get into a fight, you just walk away from it. That is a sure sign that you are at the breakup point.
5. You've taken the time to think it through. When you think you might have hit that breakup point, you must tell the person that you're disconnecting from them. You need to be honest and raw. If you don't think the relationship is going to work, or you know you've already disconnected based on how things have been going, then you might want to consider walking away for a week. When you're in the thick of things, they never seem to be able to work out.
So take a break. Spend a week without your partner. Take the week to ask yourself some questions. Go visit some friends or family. Really think about what life would be like without that person. How would you feel? Then, go back and either take a stand for the relationship or break up.
Whichever decision you make, you need to be honest with yourself. Life is too short! There are a lot of wonderful, amazing people out there ready to meet you.
I don't know how many "Meant To Be?" entries I might already have but this is the question that likes to pop up in my head from time to time. So, I was talking to my mom last night, she asked me to call her because two of my college friends were at the house at the request of my aunt. They were going to talk about some projects she might have for one of them.
I dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. Its like we're scared to lose what we dont have. Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, having it half-way is harder than not having at all.I agree. I know I read this somewhere and had to look through dozens of old entries to find it. I was working this afternoon and I remembered this quote.
