Monday, April 09, 2007

Tears welled up...

I think I now agree with a friend when he said that sex is a deal breaker in most relationships. Sex and the lack of it. I had been at crossroads. It's funny because I wasn't forced to do anything. I may have been reluctant at first but in the end it was a decision that I made. On my way home, all sorts of feelings started crowding my heart.

I gave out a sarcastic laugh at myself. I thought about all the things my friends had told me. I wanted to go to my friends house and tell her that it wasn't how I thought it would be. I wasn't relieved that I have gone ahead and took that plunge, when I thought I'd be. I'd have wanted to take that leap a long time ago, but the paranoia and the low tolerance for pain stopped me every time.

I'm overwhelmed and I had to fight back tears. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't going to cry over what happened. I wanted it. I don't regret it. I admit I wanted him to text me or call. At the back of my head I wanted him to let me know I had been wrong about some of the things that have entered and left my head and heart the last 24 hours that I stared, pondered and doodled.

I think I've wallowed over this for a while now. And it's time to let it go. The moon is still waning. I'll see where this one leads me to, where this one will lead us to. I remember what he said "I will protect you and you will protect me."

So maybe, just maybe he will be different. And I can hold on to all the things he's told me. Then maybe in his loving arms I will find comfort and peace from all of this. So, me.

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