Thursday, April 19, 2007

(random) Selfish...

And each man kills the thing he loves,
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword.
- Excerpt, The Valkyries - Paulo Coelho

You know you're screwed when you start asking other people what's wrong with you. Gawd, I miss Myles. I thought I was over this. I thought I was over the fear. I read and re-read that message and suddenly I thought: "Have I been robbed of my capacity to love by the things that I have experienced in my life?

I thought the Prince letters showed me I can love someone who will be my future even if I do not know who this person is yet. And now, I am here. I want him to be my Prince. Yes, I want him to be "the one" but my fears are getting the best of me.

I know what you're all going to say. Things just went too fast and now I am faced with the fact that he is a stranger. That I didn't really know him. I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know how to ask him the right questions, so that I get the answers that I want. Ang insensitive ko na ata.

I'm enjoying his company too much, that I haven't been thinking that he might wanna do somethings for himself. It's his mom's birthday today. I actually thought about telling him to greet her for me. But I didn't think it made much difference if I did or didn't, after all his mom doesn't really know me. If they went to the hotel, I was gonna send over something for her, but he told me last night that they weren't going to. I pretended that it was okay. Well there really wasn't anything I can do about it.

Yesterday, I was so pissed at him, because I thought he was going to come with me home. We were going to play boggle and watch some movies. But I dropped him off metro walk. My mom asked for him when I got home, I knew she was going to say something about him flaking out, so I told her I asked him to come later when it's supposedly cooler in that hellish room we all call the living room.

I dont even know what his fave color is. Or his dream car. Or what he really wanted to do with his life. I meant to ask him that, because I remembered he told me he wanted to do something and travel. But it was vague. I haven't asked if he ever wanted to become a doctor when he was younger. Or how come he doesn't change his friendster status. If he played chess, scrabble, or monopoly. I hadn't asked him if he wanted to go clubbing one time. Does he dance? Did he write a letter to Pope John Paul? Where was he during World Youth Day 1996?

Just random things. I think I lost that "girlfriend instinct". Where you ask if he's already eaten lunch, wow - buti pa pala si Patricia. Or how his day went. Maybe I'm just not the person he thought I was. Maybe he was wrong when he said he didn't deserve me. Maybe it was me who didn't deserve him. That every single guy who bullshitted me had been right about doing that, because I deserved it.

I'm a wretch.

No comments: