Friday.

My Friday night consists of frozen pizza, Grey Goose, Simply Orange and tired feet.

Oh...and a broken heart.

Jamil.

I've been working with Jamil for the past 2 months. He arrived in St. John's 4 months before I did and he took the time to offer to show me around and help me find a house. He also answers most of my immigration questions as his wife is already coming here to Canada to join him. He gave me tips and some of the stuff he needed to do so that he can get her a visa. I'm happy for him.

We share the same sentiments at work, and I talked to him with some issues in my life, for lack of anyone to talk to. Fleeting conversation, not a lot of details but he was able to give me some insights.

I envy him. But at the same time, I'm happy for him.

7 Years.

Bitch.

Why not? For the past 7 years I have been getting bitch slapped by life. So why not become one? So I can fight, so I can hit back. 7 years, of just sitting, watching things unfold, holding in all the pain and anger.

2004 was the year I first had a real relationship. It was like magic. Imagine meeting someone and feeling the intense chemistry between you. It felt like it was destiny for you to be with him. And after some rough time, when I thought it was working out rather nicely, life decided to slap reality to my face. He said, he didn't love me the way he had before. And I thought about all the things I have done for him, for the relationship, to make it work. Where could I have gone wrong? He said that it wasn't me. It was him. He just couldn't feel the way he used to feel for me anymore. I asked him if there was someone else. He said no. And so, I defeatedly let him go. There was no use fighting a losing battle. It was okay, until I found out later on that he DID have someone else. He just didn't have it in him to tell me he truth. Did he know how much it hurt? To be betrayed like that? To believe that it was just really not working out only to find out the painful truth that he just couldn't fight for me in his heart. That he just decided to love someone else, despite all the sacrifices I made for him.

After awhile and a few other boys, I met someone who intrigued me. Who drew me in and I found myself in a relationship again. Again it felt like magic. It didn't necessarily feel right, but the magic was enough to make it seem so. And I jumped right in with my eyes closed, and then I crashed. He had someone else. And it took 2 women to send me e-mails to believe that he really didn't care about me at all. That he was just using me. He took everything for me. I had nothing. Just a mess of a broken heart.

And then there was a surprise. When I least expected it, when I least wanted it, when I least needed it. But again, it was magic. How can I ignore it? My heart couldn't. Even if I knew otherwise. I followed my heart. Damn heart! It didn't know any better. It never knew. Of course I also barely knew him. I was too excited, too caught up in all the magic and fairy tales that I overlooked this, that I ignored it. Soon after I would find out that he was just like the others. Too many women in his life. What they, who they are to him, I can't even tell. I don't know where I stand.

And so here I am, after 7 years...still broken. A mixture of shattered dreams and a battered heart. I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes. I just want to disappear. I want curl up in my bed and cover myself up in my blankets and never move. Not in even to breathe. I can hear my head pounding, trying to cope with the madness around me. I am so angry.

It's been 7 years. Now I wont watch anymore. I will hit back.

...

Do you know what it feels like to be consumed in fear and anger? I do. I feel it now. I feel it pulsating through my veins. I am angry. But I am also scared.

I am angry at situation I am in now. I don't know whose fault it is that I am here. I don't know what drove me here. I am angry at the people who I blame for pushing me to be who I am today. I am angry.

I am scared of what will happen. I am scared of the person I have become. But at the same time, I am scared to be anyone less of who I am today. I don't want the same people to think they can do it to me all over again.

I Hate People.

Fuck 'em all.

New Home.

Well...at least for next two years! HAHA

I am in Newfoundland, Canada. And this is where I will be for the next two years! :) It's amazing how all my dreams are coming true. :) Next stop FCI?

:)

The world is at my feet right now!

I'm so excited!!! I can't stand it!

Wee!

Friendships In A Foreign Land.

Real friends nowadays are hard to come by, what more if you are in a foreign land. Sure, I have roommates whom I talk to, I have colleagues whom I see everyday at work but I cannot seem to fully bring myself to consider most of them friends. I know that if one day I needed help, I know that I cannot rely on any of these people to be there for me.

Some of them are weird. Some of them are two faced. Some of them are just plain nasty. But the thing that really irritates me and scares me the most are the two faced ones. They talk shit about someone, and that someone thinks that they are "okay" worse is that they are friends. And it makes you wonder, what the hell does this person say about me behind my back?! You know what I mean? UGH. I wonder how these people have friends. And I wonder if they're friends know what kind of friends they have.

So I am really glad to know that I already have the friends I need. And these new people, I'm not sure what to make of them.

Highs.

I am so happy! :)

I know, I am also so bi-polar. But hey, I'll take it! :P

Anyway, I'm waiting for a few things in the next few weeks and I'm starting to feel good. Even with some unavoidable annoyances. :)

Lovin' it.

...

I'm Rica. I'm 28, and I want to be free again.

Thanks.

Happy New Year!!!!

I'm a few days late. HEHE I was busy at work and stressed with all the paperwork I had to do. And like what my good friend Joal said "Just like that it's 2011!!!" He is right, time flew by so fast! I only have 1 year and half to stay here in the US. And well, some of my goals are still floating around. I'm kicking off the new year broke, haha. I have to pay off some bills and saving to pay off my aunt.

First Quarter of 2010

It started out somber and depressing, with all the fights. And to pass time, attention and avoid losing it, I started to actively nurture relationships with friends. New friends and old friends I had been neglecting, I bonded more with my good friend Kevin, kept in touch with my Ate Sandy, April and the ones I left (and miss dearly) back home. And for awhile, I actually started to enjoy myself again, as long as I didn't pick up the phone to talk to him. But of course, things do not turn out that way.

Second Quarter of 2010

I was going back to the Cape! Not in Orleans, but Provincetown. I was so excited. I wrapped up work in Florida and headed over to Ptown! No, I didn't do Disneyworld or MCA Universal (I need to go back!) but I guess there will be a next time. Provincetown is interesting. I like it there but I had some problems with work, and I just had to suck it up. I also met some awesome people!!! I will never forget them!

Third Quarter of 2010

The visit was the highlight of this part of the year. My relationship seemed to be healing, aside from some relapses from my part. I was also finally going back to Arizona. Provincetown's charm was slowly wearing off and I'm gearing up for my visit to NYC! I am so excited to be seeing one of my bestest friends! I was also very lonely and saddened with the goodbyes.

Fourth Quarter of 2010

Celebrating my birthday alone. Celebrating our anniversary alone. But we weren't fighting as much as we used to, which was good. Holidays!!! I had to work on a lot of them but the best was being off Christmas and having him and his parents come to spend Christmas with me. New Year was spent working, as usual. But at least we didn't argue that day, for a change.

Heartfelt thank you's to:

Mama, Papa - Thank you for being the most understanding parents ever!

Nanay - You always surprise me with how much you really love us and you show it in such a different way. Even when you are sooo makulit. Love you!

Mom and Dad (aunt and uncle) - Thank you for being so supportive of me!

Rey - I love you!

Kevin and Manel - thank you for your time and effort spent on keeping our friendship going!

Antonette - soulsista, I miss you! Happy Birthday this month!

April - I don't know how long you'll be around, but I'll take what I can get!

My JIC friends: I miss you guys dearly!!!

My DMC Filipino friends: Thank you! :)

Day Dreams.

Right now, I'm always dreaming about going back to school. Taking up Pastry Arts at FCI in NY. And then jetting off to Japan for some authentic sushi making classes and then finally ending up in Singapore for some Asian cooking classes. I just checked out the school in Singapore that I was looking at way back and it seems things have changed. So now, I don't know where to go! HAHA

See, I read somewhere that if you can imagine it, it already exists and the universe will conspire in making it happen for you!!! So, I am imagining this:

1. I will study pastry arts at the French Culinary Institute.

2. I will study Sushi making in Japan, along with Japanese cuisine.

3. I will study Asian cuisine in Singapore.

:) :) :)

2010 Christmas Wishlist.

It's a little late this year, but...here goes.

1. Spend Christmas with Rey.

2. Win the lottery jackpot.

3. Xbox Console, Kinect with Dance Central game.

4. To be able to fix paperwork so I can stay in one place.

5. Pay off debts. (Related to #2)

Relatively short. That's all thanks!

New Year's Resolution

So it's almost the new year again! I only have one new year's resolution. Lose weight, AND FUCKIN' keep it off!!!

I'm sick and tired of gaining and losing weight. And watching bits and pieces of shows like, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (cutting girls out because the gained weight), Bridaplasty (Future brides wanting surgery before they get married so they can look perfect on their wedding day) and whatever else is out there.

Gah.

Nextweek: Christmas wishlist.

Bi-Polar.

Sometimes when I talk to you, I feel so happy. All the feelings I had for you back then stat to flood back and I remember everything I felt when I fell in love with you.

BUT...

There are also nights like this, when the pain starts to swell again. And then I feel like, I don't want to be in this with you anymore.

I can't make up my mind about us.

Fuck, I give up.

Again for the nth time today I am browsing thru your profile. Looking at all the things that changed since you decided to cut me off. Something that you have denied to this day. But the truth is, I do not know why you can't see it. You did cut me off.

A few weeks ago you said that you put everything back. But we cant go back to how it used to be. We can't. No matter how hard you check, no matter how many times you do it, there is no denying our problems. There is no denying that what we once had is now broken. And there is no turning back. It doesn't matter if you put every single piece back in places, its never the same when it was whole. It will never EVER be the same again. It cannot be whole again. We cannot be whole again.

I'm sorry. So. Fuck this, I give up.

Diego.

April 2009 - Ate's (me) despedida at Metrowalk.

December 2008 - At the house.

October 2005 - Likes to lie on my bed too!

July 2004 - Looking good, baby!

June 2004 - Happy pirate eye!

I do not really remember when I got Diego. All I know is that at that time I got him, I was looking for a dog. I was gonna get a Pomeranian, but my best friend asked me if it was possible for me to adopt him. He needed some love.

I hope he knows even if I didn't have enough patience to walk him all the time or bathe him or hand feed him like my mom does. But I cuddle with him all the time! And I annoy him all the time. HAHA The best thing about him is he knows just when to approach you. I once almost had a meltdown during my thesis and he went up to me and started to nuzzle and lick my face and it calmed me down. And he's the first to the gate to greet you and races to you to say hi.

Smart dog. (He knows when we're just playing him along making him go back and forth.)

Loving dog.

He's like the brother I never had. I will surely surely miss this baby. I know I can never have another Diego in my lifetime.

Thank you Diego. You made me happy. Your original owner missed out on you. :)

Lost, searching

Looking for something

Finding nothing

Lost, find me

but don't lose yourself

Beach.

I wanna go to the beach.

My days are wasted waiting for you.

So maybe tomorrow, I will not wait.

Tomorrow I'll be gone.

i like the fact that i have a little secret with two of my very best friends. :) hihi

PEX-ing.

I just wanted to share:

1. Love is not when you are only happy, Love actually happens when your ship is being rocked.

2. Love is not when you are strongest, Love actually happens when you are at your weakest.

3. Love is not in the sweetness, Love actually happens when how long can you bear your partner at his worst.

4. Love is accepting your partner for who he is, and loving him for what he can give, even though if there are others way better than him.

Sabi ng bestfriend ng ex-partner ko sa kanya "There will always be someone better than your current partner, but true love is tested kung papaano mo ipaglalaban ang partner mo sa sarili mo."

Dont be a b*tch TS, kung mahal mo partner mo, paglaban mo siya, BS yung LOVE yung nararamdaman mo sa fling mo. Don't give us that BS.

From pexer: gymrat28

It's gloomy and cloudy.

I'm gloomy and moody.

Pfft!

Sometimes, being selfish is survival.

Un-straightening Up.

So, I'm starting to enjoy looking at girls.

I just...find myself staring at them! It's insane.

I guess this is what asshole boyfriends do to you? Haha

The barista today was really pretty. :)

P-town = Love.

I found love in Provincetown.

:)

Old Habits.

I'm falling back into a dreaded routine.

Work, sleep, maybe eat, sleep.

Its like sleep is the cure to all my heartaches.

Its about that time 2 years ago.

Yes, its about that time.

I always find something about you that makes doubt you, than trust you.

Gut feel? Paranoia?

But it's not really just a stupid "feeling". I actually see things written down somewhere, of you breaking a promise. Or of you turning back on your word.

Or maybe it's just the truth trying to shake me out of a stupor that's even worse than a whole night of drinking tequila and vodka.

Or maybe it's divine intervention.

You shouldn't really wonder why I think you're just like them.

Already Gone.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone


...Almost there. :)

Sand between my toes
Vast night sky
Stars twinkling

Burst of laughter
Excited chatter
Drunken stupor

Random kissing, watch
Bear hug amongst friends
We're leaving in the end

Just waiting for you to miss me.

Just waiting for you to look for me.

Forgive and Forget.

I saw a cousin's FB status about forgiving and forgetting. He said something about forgiving and forgetting and about how if one forgives one must also forget.

I don't really know how it works. As far as relationships goes, I've forgiven the people who hurt me but I haven't forgotten the things they did to me.

Forgetting seems to be an absurd idea. Except when you have Alzheimer's or dementia. But sometimes I want to forget just so it's easier to move on.

Help?

Stay Or Go.

Have you ever watch the movie about the man who married an alien? There was a song there where they were singin' stay or go. I am in the exact same predicament. Fuck. I never thought it would come to this. Especially with Rey. Can you believe? I thought I was done with all these feelings but they are back. And I feel it towards Rey. REY. The one I gave my heart to. Broken and tattered that it was. I gave him my heart. Trusting him that he will not break it.

I'm broken...into pieces that was already broken in the first place. I never knew the exact same pieces can be broken again. I am rambling in this minute space...wondering if he reads this. Did you know that some people I didn't expect to be reading this still reads this? But the person who I hope would pay more attention probably doesn't.

My head is spinning either from alcohol or these thoughts. Everyday, I spend trying to get rid of the thoughts already in my head. Of the things I know and don't know but everyday I seem to fail. Everyday I wake up praying. Everyday I wake up with one thought in mind...to trust him. But everyday...he fails me. At the end of the day all is left, are the messages I read, the hurtful things he's said to me, the way he treats me compared to the way he treats his friends.

Everyday, I brace myself for the big blow. The one which can shatter my dreams or make them. Everyday...I prepare myself for whatever is out there. I don't know how I am surviving but I am...somehow, someway.

After The Love Has Gone.

For awhile to love was all we could do
we were young and we knew
and our eyes were alive
Deep inside we knew our love was true
For awhile we paid no mind to the past
we knew love would last
Ev'ry night somethin' right
would invite us to begin the dance

Somethin' happened along the way
what used to be happy was sad
Somethin' happened along the way
and yesterday was all we had
And oh after the love has gone
how could you lead me on
and not let me stay around
Oh oh oh afterthe love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

For awhile to love each other with all
we would ever need
Love was strong for so long
never knew that what was
wrong oh

wasn't right
We tried to find what we had
till sadness was all we shared
We were scared this affair would lead our love into
Somethin' happened along the way
yesterday was all we had
Somethin' happened along the way
what used to be happy is sad

Somethin' happened along the way
oh yesterday was all we had
And oh after the love has gone
how could you lead me on
and not let me stay around
Oh oh oh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

Oh oh oh oh oh oh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Oh woh woh
Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

Woh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Woh woh woh

BBQ.

Yuengling. It's a good beer.

7 ft beach towel, can you believe it?!

I can't find the bathing suit I want. Fuck it.

Bumped into John at TJ Maxx.

Two adventures cancelled. Dammit.

Captain Hiram? Where art thou?

Brazilian boy is funny as shit.

Zacky-poo leaving at the end of the week. (I will miss you, baby boy!)

Five more weeks.

Done. Done. Done.

Spring.

It's spring again. It will be almost a year since I came back here in the US to be with him. One year. And I only got to spend time with him thrice since. And now...I don't know how to be with him. How to get past these issues we have. I just don't.

One year of enduring the loneliness of being alone, being away from my friends, working a job that though I love, with the conditions of my visa, doesn't allow me to grow in the profession. All this for him, for our dreams and for the future we promised each other.

But...now what?

Thank You.

I want to say Thank You to...

- Some surprise people. I wont mention your names here but I want you to know I am thankful for your moral support and for cheering me up.

- Two old loves.

Popo -- you have always, ALWAYS been there for me. I cannot stress enough how much I value our friendship. So it's true in some weird way...kahit anong mangyari. :) Thank you!

Francis -- You know me in a different way. Thank you for your words of encouragement. And thank you for always making me see that I can have the best. You still owe me though. But it doesn't mean you haven't helped me by telling me the truth when I asked for it.

- April -- your wisdom amazes me. I wish when you encounter these problems you would practice what you preach. Thank you for everything.

- Antonette -- tough love. Thank you.

- Kevin -- another tough love. But thank you. I miss you. I hope to see you soon. :)

- Manel -- MIA. But the time you were not. Thank you.

- Sital and Niko - for keeping me company during those nights I can't stand to be alone.

- Jaime, Zacky, Mikey, Anthony, Dave, Rachel, Regina, Reddis, Russ -- for the concern and for making me laugh. You guys are the best people I have had the pleasure of working with so far. :) Thank you, thank you.

- And you, yeah you. Rey -- I don't know what to do with you. You hurt me so much. But I still would like to thank you...for everything.

I just want to be free from pain. I want to forget all the painful things I read and saw and continue living. I know I love him. My heart bleeds just thinking about him this way that I do. Whenever I think about him, I still think about that guy I first fell in love with. And I try to connect him to the guy I am with now. And they are so different. He must feel the same way. I know I am not the same person he first fell in love with.

I just want to be free from pain. I want him in my life. But I can't have him if I think of him this way. He's my savior. I have this pure, clean image of him in my head. And now it's not like that anymore.

I just want to be free from pain...especially this kind of pain.

That's all.

Saving Myself.

My name is Rica, and I am 27 years old. And unfortunately, here I am again...nothing's changed. I made the same mistakes in my life, like I didn't learn anything at all. And now, I am trying to correct that. Do you know what I am really looking for in this world? LOVE. True love.

Someone to love and someone to love me. Something that is constant. Something that stays, not just something that fades and goes away. I've been in three life changing relationships. Each one had their own joys and fond memories. But the pain each one cost is the same. All of those three times, I included them in my plans. And finally, this last one -- I completely changed my life plans for him.

I wonder why the men I loved/love cannot go the extra mile? Why can't they show me that what they are saying is true? That all of their promises mean something? Why is it so hard for them to do it? Why is it so hard for HIM to do it? Now, right now, is when I need it most. Everyday my faith in him chips off. Everyday I can feel myself putting another layer on the wall in between us.

It's always my fault. I changed, I did this, I did that. I. I. I. I. I'm the evil one. It never occurred to you that maybe this is me, asking you to show me that there is real love. That true love exists. Because, once I believed and I got my heart broken. And then now I believed and I got my heart broken again.

I want to save myself. I want to save myself from anymore heartaches. Spin a protective hard shell over me once again, and make sure no one ever gets in. No one ever gets close enough to hurt me. How do you protect yourself from the one you love? So he can't hurt you anymore? So he can say every single bad thing about you and you don't feel anything? How?

I have to save myself from this. I have to save myself from him.

Love, Trust, Lies.

Love is something we all want. Everyone wants to love and be loved. We all seek it. It was the fall of 2008. I was going home. I just got out of a bad relationship too. I met someone. And I thought he was perfect. We connected in such a way that I have never connected to anyone. We had alot in common. We have the same wavelength of thinking. It's a bit of a surprise. His name is Rey. And I loved him dearly. Perhaps, I wasn't the best girlfriend he's had. I am good when I'm good. But I am also a bitch when I'm a bitch. The past months were hard. Everyday is a struggle for us to get through. There are times when I wondered what I was doing there, why was I allowing these things to happen to me. The answer is Love. I love him. That is why even when he doesn't show me he loves me as much as before, I stayed. Even when it was painful, I stayed. I waited. I am still waiting. I do not not for what though.

Trust is something that is hard to give. Most people have to earn it. It takes years and years to build this foundation. It wasn't hard for me to trust him. I do not know why. I guess, it's because I am a very trusting person. I usually trust everyone first and when they do something that breaks that trust, everything changes.

I feel betrayed. Right now, I feel very betrayed. And he's not doing anything to make it right. If you love someone, proving to him/her that you love her is easy. It's a no-brainer. Even when you are mad, even when you say you are tired. You love her/him! You would do anything not to hurt him/her. ANYTHING.

Lies -- EVERYBODY lies. I have been lying to myself. I have been convincing myself that that you still love me because you tell me. I feel it sometimes.

I just don't understand why you are allowing this to happen to me, if you love me. Why can't you just be true to yourself? So you can be true to me.

That's What She Said...AGAIN.

Backstreet Boys

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

there are people who say what you wanna hear
even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear
when you really really love someone am i right
when i say that you want them near
and if you care you even tell them things
that they wanna hear

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
the simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said she said yeah

there are people
who say what they really mean
she said she'd always be there
she said she'd always care
but jsut when you think that you can trust that someone you love
tell me why do you know how stars can fall from above

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh ohho yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be togethter
thats what she said she said

cause you made promises that you couldn't keep (ooo)
but you're not hurting yourself
you're only hurting me
why would you say things that you really didn't mean
oh how can i make you see just what you did to me

ooh you said how much you really care
just when i thought i was in love
girl how could you care
if i were you i could not lie even once to the face of the one
that i love so much

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had.
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we're see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be together.
oh thats what she said.

--- I love this song. It does not necessarily make me smile when I remember, but it soothes me some way.

Done.

I'm done.

I'm all out.

I need to get fished out of this ditch.

Thanks.

Spot The Difference.

What's the difference when his friend says (not verbatim) "It should end. You don't have to end it badly but it should end." And my friend saying "Leave him."

The way I see it, it only means one thing. They think this relationship should end. BUT, of course because him and his friends are the immaculate ones - therefore they are not judgmental, my friend is judgmental.

So I asked another friend of mine, without explaining fully the situation, just asking him what he thought was the difference between the statements and he told me that they are both judgmental. They are both judging the relationship. He also said that the first statement which sounded nicer could be more judgmental, if you think about it, but is trying not to be judgmental.

The difference is this, for him his friend is the better friend because she is not judgmental as she appears to be. And my friend he thinks ill of because he's judgmental.

What kind of a fucked up world do I live in?

Old Symptoms.

I remember in the summer of 2008, at the height of all the stress I was feeling, I was getting sick. And now it's back, like my headaches, the diarrhea, the nausea. I wish it was just a bad hangover. But the truth is I didn't have a single drink last night. I just remember crying myself to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, I had a headache. And now it's slowly slipping to the back of my head. It's not so bad. It doesn't prevent me from doing my job, it's not as bothersome but it is irritating. Like an itch I cant scratch. It's just my emotional distress have become so great it's starting to manifest itself physically.

Old symptoms. It's all the same things, over and over. My head is spinning because I am going in circles. I am just caught in this spinning vortex of lies, truths and make believe. Three years on a roller coaster. I really really need to get off.

STOP! I WANT TO GET OFF!!!!

Quote.

"The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they're right if you love to be with them all of the time."

- Julia Child

Aray naman diba? :P

This just in.

Nagpapakabobo lang po. All over again.

I just realized I have one thing from Valentine's Day.

A heart sticker from Mama Jo. So I took a picture of it as a remembrance.

My friends at work asked me why it was still on my hat and it's been a week already. And I told them that it was the only thing I got for Valentine's Day. This sticker and a heart shaped bonbon with the inscription "Soulmate" that Jaime gave me. And I already ate that.

You don't care that we're slowly losing each other.

I asked you once, what would you do if I couldn't keep up and you said, you'll cross the bridge when you get there.

But now I see that you don't care.

So why should I?

Here's, What's For Valentine's Day.

Questions, pondering, endless...random...again, endless...

I check out your profile, and I see endless comments here and there, something pops out and makes my heart ache. Like a stab. A pang of pain, something physical I can't explain.

What do I do now? Now that things weren't as clear, as say some 6 months ago? I can't believe I would ever feel this way towards you. YOU, I didn't expect to feel this way towards you. You were the only thing/person that was constant for me...until now.

But you don't care do you. You say you're sorry but I don't even feel a hint of sympathy in your voice. It's like you're saying it just so I would feel better.

Why do I still love you? If I was in a better state of mind and heart, I would've just left. But I can't. I won't. I just wont give it up even if it's already killing me.

I hate you for hurting me this way. And I hate myself for letting you.

I was watching Le Divorce the other day and Roxy said "...I didn't realize that when you really love...there's no freedom at all. Except to die." It's true.

I just want this to be over and done with. I want to give my heart a rest. It's been so battered and broken. It has to rest. It has to heal. Being with you healed me, for awhile, but then you broke me all over again.

Happy Venereal disease Day! :P

Dating Tips: 5 Signs You're Headed Toward a Breakup

By dating coach David Wygant
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where the frustration level and the number of times you butt heads with each other seems to increase by the second? You say blue, she says red, and the fights just seem to be going in circles.

If the answer is yes, then you may be at what I call "the breakup point." Here are five signs that your relationship may be past the point of fixing. Whether you are living together, married, or just dating, these breakup signs are usually loud and clear.

1. You stop relationship-building behaviors. In the honeymoon stage of a relationship, which we all know is the first 90 days of pure bliss, you are learning about each other and making efforts to create romantic moods and nice evenings. When you're in that stage, you are really working at building your relationship. Then, at some point, you start to butt heads with each other. Critical relationship elements deteriorate. Maybe you stop kissing each other goodbye or stop texting each other during the day. Instead of adding things to the relationship, you start to resent each other like two five-year-olds who stop sharing their crayons. This is a breakup point.

2. You don't understand each other anymore. The fighting escalates to a place where you no longer feel like you're understood by your partner. Physical intimacy stops, communication stops, and you are living like roommates. You're at the point in the relationship where you are trying to understand each other, but you get so frustrated because you feel like you just don't understand each other anymore. This is a breakup point.

3. You start punishing each other. When you get to the point of no longer understanding each other, what happens is that you end up just kind of coexisting in the new dynamic. Resentment builds and you get in your head too much. You are no longer about feelings, and you start punishing each other. "Well, he hasn't done this for me, so I'm not going to do this for him" are the kind of thoughts that take root. The longer you stay in that dynamic and the further away you get from the dynamic you had during the early part of the relationship, the less likely it is that you'll ever get it back (and, after a point, you won't). You have hit the breakup point.

4. You fight less. When you get to the breakup point, you actually fight less with your partner. You fight less because in your mind and heart you start detaching yourself from the other person, and you don't care as much anymore. You have already made a determination that they don't understand you, that they will never understand you, and that the relationship just won't work out. The minute you get into a fight, you just walk away from it. That is a sure sign that you are at the breakup point.

5. You've taken the time to think it through. When you think you might have hit that breakup point, you must tell the person that you're disconnecting from them. You need to be honest and raw. If you don't think the relationship is going to work, or you know you've already disconnected based on how things have been going, then you might want to consider walking away for a week. When you're in the thick of things, they never seem to be able to work out.

So take a break. Spend a week without your partner. Take the week to ask yourself some questions. Go visit some friends or family. Really think about what life would be like without that person. How would you feel? Then, go back and either take a stand for the relationship or break up.

Whichever decision you make, you need to be honest with yourself. Life is too short! There are a lot of wonderful, amazing people out there ready to meet you.

Meant To Be?

I don't know how many "Meant To Be?" entries I might already have but this is the question that likes to pop up in my head from time to time. So, I was talking to my mom last night, she asked me to call her because two of my college friends were at the house at the request of my aunt. They were going to talk about some projects she might have for one of them.

Let me give you some history. These two people dated for four years in college. They were like one of those sweetest college sweethearts then. I liked them together. But towards our last year, they broke up. they moved in the same circle of friends and managed to remain friends after their break up. As far as I know, the girl remained pretty much still in love with the guy for a while after the break up. After graduating, we all went our separate ways -- keeping in touch of course. They both started dating other people and remained great friends.

Now, my mom thinks they're back together. When I asked them they didn't say no, BUT they didn't exactly say yes. Guy said "We'll see how it goes." Girl said "I'm not denying or confirming anything." But it pretty much looks like they're getting to know each other again. They may or may not get back together -- that I am not sure yet. But they seem to be taking steps towards getting back together.

So maybe, just maybe they are meant to be together. Isn't life sweet to be given another shot at loving someone you used to love or has continued to love? I am not saying that I am missing an old boyfriend of mine or maybe I am still in love with them. NO. Nothing like that. If anything, I am missing my boyfriend, Rey. Our relationship may be having a tough time right now, and it may not seem like the most ideal one to be in. But I don't want to wait for us to separate to find out if we were meant to be. I want us to stay together and know that we are meant to be.

I dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. Its like we're scared to lose what we dont have. Some of us say we'd rather have that something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, having it half-way is harder than not having at all.

I agree. I know I read this somewhere and had to look through dozens of old entries to find it. I was working this afternoon and I remembered this quote.

Isang malaking kalokohan. UGH.

Dumbfounded.

In my search for answers why these things happen to me, I realized that people cheat because they are not satisfied. And because they aren't satisfied, they try to find whatever they are missing from other people. Instead of helping their partners find a way to satisfy them they turn to others.

But not everyone does that. I don't do that. I am not saying I'm a saint and I have never cheated before. I have, but I had different reasons for doing so. What I am saying is that, even when I am dissatisfied with my partner, I don't go looking for what I am missing in others. I try to find a way to get my partner to satisfy me. Maybe I have a different approach on things like I whine to them a lot or give them attitude, but at least I am not out getting to know guys looking for that something my partner lacks.

It's just amazing. I am dumbfounded.

Imaginary Conversations.

Me: Can we not say we're "married" on FB anymore?
Him: Why?
Me: Coz it's not real anymore.

...shit.

Smile.

A gentleman at church nudged me on the way out. He told me "Smile, it's a beautiful day out." It's true. It rained at around 6 AM my time and the clouds were heavy when I walked to church but somehow in that hour long mass the clouds managed to clear and you can see the sun peeking through as we got out of church. It wasn't hot, it wasn't cold. It was truly a beautiful day. And I thought that I should really smile.

So I smiled. And when I did, it hurt. I couldn't keep smiling instead tears started to run down my cheeks. My heart is so broken. I didn't know I was still capable of taking the pain. I thought I was done. I thought now is the time that is really for me. That I will no longer have to worry about someone hurting me, betraying me or unloving me. I thought that THAT was over. I thought that I already found the best guy, the most right guy for me. I thought that now I can let go of the fictional prince and live out my fairytale.

It's confusing. Hay.

Hopeless Romantic.

I love romantic comedy movies. You know, boy meets girl, they fall in love, they have fun and then something happens, they hurt each other but in the end love prevails -- they kiss and the screen pans out. Yup. I'm a sucker for those movies. Even if I already know how it will end, I still watch them. With each ending, I hope my own love story will be something like it. Thing is, what happens when the screen pans out? Do they just end up gazing at each other's eyes lovingly? Do they just kiss and kiss and kiss nonstop? See, the screen doesn't pan out to the credits in real life. It just keeps going.

It's been three years since I "met" my Prince. Three years since I started writing him. Three years since I started believing that there was one person, who will love me for who I am. And I will love him back as much as he loves me. In those three years, I was with two guys. One who had me convinced he was the prince but he turned out to be an ass. And I am now with another guy, who could be him. I really want him to be.

My Prince who has inspired me in so many ways. Who has made me feel loved even when I didn't know him then. He made me believe that there is love. And I didn't need another person to love me right then and there. I just needed to know that I will be loved when he finally comes.

Sometimes, I think I should already let go of my Prince and just live. Stop looking for him in the guys I am with. After all it is a known fact that most guys are princes in the beginning but monsters at the end. Well, okay not all of them. Some of them don't, not monsters not really. But not exactly a prince too.

Prince, is the result of my wild imagination. It was fun while it lasted, but I cannot live my life around fairy tales. In real life, even when we love someone we hurt that person we love. In real life the ending isn't as happy, because when life ends it means someone gets left behind. In real life, the pain doesn't stop after we kiss and make up, because there will be other pains that will follow, because for as long as we live we will keep on making mistakes and those mistakes will hurt someone, somehow.

So, right now...I just want to live.

Be Still.

I want to be still

Still as a rock

Hear the wind blow

With my pain it goes

Be still

Not a word

Not a sound

Just what's around

Be still

Calm down

Listen for a comforting sound

Wait for that consoling hand

Ang plastic ko bwiset.

The Year 2009 In Review...and Thank You's.

I have been so caught up with my life that I wasn't able to write this. I have been meaning to. So 2009 was quite eventful. Joys and tears combined.

1st Quarter (Jan - March) -- I found myself starting the year arguing with Rey -- I forgot what it was all about, I think it was about me working too much. I was starting to not love my current job, I wasn't inspired. I also found an opportunity for me to come back here in the US and be with Rey. I also found 2 more ob opportunities that I had to pass up. I saw most my good friends and spent as much time as I could and as permitted by my schedule with them. I celebrated my best friend's birthday with her too! It was fun.

2nd Quarter (April - June) -- I quit my job and flew here. I worked in Colorado -- which I was thankful for being able to come back here and all that. But Colorado, was not the best experience of my career. Although, the four days I spent with my Bubu was the best ones I had there ever.

3rd Quarter (July - September) -- Summer passed by so fast but I still couldn't wait for it to be over. Bubu came to visit and we had a lot -- I think. I am only speaking for myself. We celebrated his birthday together! A first! By September I was already planning my next job and my mini-vacay to California.

4th Quarter (October - December) -- My birthday came and went. I did get to spend it with Bubu BUT I ruined his plans. But I was happy enough to be able to spend some time with him. At least whenever we are together we spend it the whole day long. We've seen better days. We really have. But I hope that there will be more. I got a job in Florida it's just really tough. The end of the year, I don't know how to describe it. Let's just say that I wish I had a better one. We're still together so I guess, we have a chance for a better one.

THANK YOU'S...

- for my family, who is always there even when I am not.

- for Rey, who is still there even when I'm not. Even if he doesn't have to be.

- for my friends, who is always there for me no matter what. (Special mention time!) I love you all!!!!

-_-Kevin ~ I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there for you when you needed me. And thank you for never leaving me ever. Thank you. I love you, you have been a good good friend.

-_- Manel ~ Thank you for taking time off from your hectic life to stay in touch. I know how hard it is to do but you still do.

-_- Tonet ~ for the tough love.

-_- April ~ Even when you're not always there, you're there when least expected. :)

-_- Julie ~ for talking to me and for sharing your zen thoughts. HAHA

-_- Ella ~ for always sharing your wisdom with me.

-_- Tere ~ for always showing you cared about me even if we don't talk as much anymore!

-_- Nadine ~ for being so thoughtful and helping me out during Ondoy!

- for my new friends! Mikey, Dave, Jaime, Rachel, Zach - it has been a pleasure knowing you and working with you. I hope that we can stay friends. :)

- for the opportunities given to me the past year.

I'm sorry if I had been outta touch lately. I'll be better. :)

Flitting through a web of emotions
trying hard to take the tension
Hearts soar, hearts fall
heart spirals out of control

Tears fall, I see a back walking away
Rushing out to follow, running to keep up
He doesn't stop, he keeps going
We keep going, tripping, falling

Roller coaster ride, trying to go with the tide
Stop please, let's rest
I thought we were the best
Seems like we're just like the rest

Today the year became old again.

New Project.

I have a project. It's about finding love, keeping it, celebrating it and living it. I know it seems kind of off to be starting a project so late into the year. But I am so excited for this project that I already wanted it to start. I can't wait for the dawn of the New Year. It was just too long a wait! So wish me luck!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

See I have already forgotten this. That is why I have not been patient, nor kind. I have become proud and jealous. I was rude, and self centered. I did not protect, I destroyed. So starting today, I want to re-learn this. Keep it in my heart, like I used to.

If he cannot give me something to hold on to. If he cannot encourage me to fight for him while he rests, then I will start holding on to these words. In them I will find solace. In this promise, I will find my answers. It will guide me to finding love.

Pray for me. Today is Day 1. :)

Scanning contacts...

Ate Sandy...calling...

Kevin...calling

That's it.

I miss my friends.

icy glares

emotionless words

hardened heart

tear-stained cheeks

sorrowful sighs

broken heart

another day

another dream

another goodbye

2009 In Photos.

So, see you next year? :D

Isn't amazing when you ask or want something and it actually happens for you almost instantaneously?

I hope everything happens already too. >_<

Girls Night Out.

It's been awhile since I had a girl's night out. Actually, it's been awhile since I dressed up and went out to a club with good music, danced and had some drinks with friends. And while I was on the dance floor with my roomies, I remember why I stopped doing it. HAHA

I'm not saying I didn't miss it. I did, for a bit. But then I saw couples dancing together and I miss my Bubu more, because I wish I was dancing with him instead. And then I don't like guys or girls, bumping into me too much. And I don't like guys who jump into my group and just starts dancing with us. But my roomies, enjoy it and I wanted to go out tonight because I was cooped up in this apartment the whole afternoon. Beggars can't be choosers.

A funny thing happened though, something that has never happened to me in all of the years I spent going out almost every night. Some guy, plucked me out of the dance floor and told me I was cute. It was funny and weird at the same time. It was a good thing it wasn't like he was trying to pick me up. I think he is gay. We saw each other after the dancing out the deck and I just avoided him.

Well, that was my night out. It will be awhile before I get any again. :P

My plans are all fading in the background...

Random Thoughts!

Don't you just hate it when you start getting used to certain things and you have to give it up?

I want a mandolin slicer!

Can't wait for my day off!

I need an offset bread knife!

Christmas Wishlist 2009

Once again it's December. And it's my fave time of year to post my wishlist!

1. Rey =) (For all our plans to fall into place.)
2. 370 Z Fairlady HEHE
3. Mini Cooper S - Pink with white stripes.
4. Grand Livre De Cuisine by Alain Ducasse (all volumes, there are 4 I believe.)
5. A good, stable job for both of us.
6. Win the Lottery (HEHE)
7. To be able to go back to school -- The French Culinary Institute.
8. A macro lens. (have not decided which one yet.)
9. A wide angle lens. (have not decided which one yet.)
10. Nikon D3x body kit. (WAHEHE)

--

Here is the over the counter version HAHA:

1. Liver spread. (I want to cook Menudo!)
2. Datu Puti Soy Sauce.
3. Datu Puti Vinegar.
4. Jufran Ketchup.
5. Coconut milk.
7. Bagoong - mild.
8. Tinapang Bangus.
9. Daing na Bangus.
10. Rellenong Bangus.

Why am I always the one making sacrifices?

>_<

Sunshine State And Then It Clouded Over...

I've been enjoying myself here in Florida. I love the weather, so far! The town where I live is a bit far from the big cities (Miami and Orlando) but it's okay. I would love a public bus though! But anyway, so far so good. Work is fun, except for a one person who thinks he's all that because he came from one of the premier culinary schools here in the US. But I really believe that a student is what makes that school "look" good, it maybe the best, because they have produced students who worked hard to become one of the best. It doesn't mean that everyone there will come out good, especially if he doesn't have the right attitude.

With all that said, I would like to say, that he sucked. HAHA. But that's for another blog. HAHA I have met some really cool people here. I still keep in touch with several cool people from Colorado. I miss my baby heaps, though!

I also miss my friends. I was talking to one of my closest (and one of the best) friends, and I learned that he wasn't doing great. And I just received an email from our friend and she's also not well. Another friend's heart is broken because her boyfriend passed away. I wish I could be there for all of them. Give them a hug or an encouraging pat in the back. Or maybe just grab coffee with them and sit there to listen to them. I'm doing what I can from here. I just hate that they're not okay, when I'm here having a good time. How I wish that we can all be having the time of our lives and we can share all the good times with each other.

I also want them to know that I'm still here for them.

Been A While

It's been awhile since I wrote anything here. For those who still read this, I want you to know that I had a fabulous birthday. Disastrous, for me, because of something I should have done but didn't do, but nonetheless, I was with the love of my life. And that is enough to make my birthday a good one. Last year was the best birthday to date. HIHI.

So, I am now in Florida, for those of you who are wondering which state or city I am roaming around in and exploring now. I'm in the beautiful town of Vero Beach, FL. It's really nice here. Weather is nice, hot and humid just like the Philippines. I haven't seen the rest of winter but considering the fact that it's snowing in Mancos, CO -- I am not complaining...yet. HEHE.

I also got a free Blackberry for my birthday. HEHE Wooo! So I'll be online alot. HAHA Yay for unlimited everything! HAHA

I wanna say best wishes to a new friend of mine, who is getting married soon. And to those birthdays I forgot, sorry! :P I was too preoccupied!

They're The Same Lot.

Well it seems I keep ending up with the same sort of people. Hopefully when I leave, Im also getting rid of some of them.

*karate chop*

It's a good thing, I have an idea of what's out there, what I can do, and where I can go where I wont be with such disgusting company.

*shwing* There goes my adamantium claws. HAHA

Disclaimer: If you think I am referring to you, then maybe I am. If you know I am referring to you, then I definitely am.

Birthday Wishlist.

Well, since it's already September and it's nearing my birthday, I would like to post a wishlist, more like wishful thinking list. I'm bored. HEHE

- A picnic with my baby at the beach! :)

- Krispy Kreme Karamel Krunch (I would blow my daily calorie counter for this.)

- Leche flan (I would distribute the calories to at most 2 weeks. HAHA)

- Tempura maki (I still haven't got my fill! HAHA)

- A doggie. (Pweaaasseee!!! I still love my baby diego, though!)

- A visit to a jacuzzi, or hot springs! HAHA

- Crispy pataaaa!

- Fresh Philippine mangoes! (I can make mango crepe! wee!)

- Luisa and Son's empanaditas!!!

- Jolly Chicken Joy and Spaghetti Meal

- Turon with Langka

- Banana Q

- Max's Fried Chicken chicken! Nyahehehe

- Cheesecake @ Cheesecake Factory!

- Beard Papa's!!!

- Holga ($32.00 @ Urban Outfitters!)

- Fishballs with the brown sauce ha!

- Guinataang Halo-halo

- Palitaw

- Yemaaaaa!!! *the leche flan would suffice though!

- Sisig!!!

- Mrs. May's Cashew Crunch (I can't find it anywhere!!!!)

- Grilled Milkfish (Inihaw na Bangus)

- Butterflied Milkfish marinated in garlic and vinegar (Daing na Bangus)

- Ube Pastillas and the regular pastillas

(Shet, lahat pampataba! Sorry I'm craving!) See? I told yah, it's more wishful thinking list!

Stuck.

Im stuck here till October 8. But its okay. I'll get out of here as soon as October 8 hits, and I'm never going to think about this place again! Not if I can help it.

Hargh.

Currently Listening To...

Can I Go Now?

- Jennifer Love Hewitt

What's the point of trying to meet you in the middle
You got your point of view
There's nothing I can do
Can't change your mind
Can't leave it all behind
You're living in the past
We talk and talk
This goes on for hours
About how I should be
Why is it all me
Don't wanna fight
Don't wanna waste my time
Baby just can't last
I'm moving on, moving on

[Chorus:]
Can I go now
Say what you have to say
Happy you've got your way
There's nothing to discuss
Can I go now
Giving your point of view
Say what you want it too
So what's the point of love
Can I go now
Oh say what you have to say
Happy you've got your way
What's there to discuss

What's the point of trying to reach compromise
When you're the judge and jury
What's the story
I can't make you see that I'm not always wrong
I can't make you right
It's time to move on
I'm moving on

[Chorus]

Let's go lead a day I'll pack my bags be on my way
Sure don't needs to stay
Where I'm not welcome anyway
Well now that's alright and that's OK yeah

There's nothing left to do
Maybe I'm not for you
So why don't you let it go

Tell me what's the point of all this
Talk, talk, talk, talk
We could go day and night
Still wouldn't make it right

Can I go now
Say what you have to say
Happy you've got your way
There's nothing to discuss
Can I go now
You're giving your point of view
Say what you want it too
So what's the point of love
Can I go now
I'll be on my way
Let's call it a day
Can I go now?
Now, why don't you let it go
Can I go now?

Butterfly

- Mariah Carey

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears
inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise

Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Verse

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land

Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Bridge

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way
it feels to fly

Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I Hope This Helps...

Me, most espescially. I wish I had read this before...all this.

----

Breaking Through the Sound Barrier

by Rick Warren

In our Devotionals series, Pastor Rick Warren discusses the Bible passages that inspire him the most. Today's Devotional is based on this passage:

"Listen before you answer. If you don't, you are being stupid and insulting" (Proverbs 18:13 TEV).

To really communicate, you must give up three things:

1. You must give up your assumptions. We get into trouble when we start assuming we understand the meaning of what people say to us. The truth is everything you hear goes through a filter. Your filter is determined by your past experiences and your unique personality. You may not be hearing what they are really saying. Therefore, it is smart (and safe) to ask for clarification: "Listen before you answer. If you don't, you are being stupid and insulting" (Proverbs 18:13 TEV).

2. You must give up your accusations. You never get your point across by being cross. Anger and sarcasm only make people defensive and that kills communication. There are four common forms of accusation:

• Exaggerating, such as making sweeping generalities like "You never," or "You always."

• Labeling, such as derogatory name-calling. Labeling never changes anyone. It only reinforces the negative behavior.

• Playing historian, such as bringing up past failures, mistakes, and broken promises.

• Asking loaded questions, ones that really can't be answered, such as, "Can't you do anything right?"

The Bible says, "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you" (Ephesians 4:29 TEV).

3. You must give up your apprehensions. Fear prevents honest communication. It causes us to conceal our true feelings and fail to confront the real issues. The two most common apprehensions are: the fear of failure and the fear of rejection. But when you face your fear and risk being honest, then real communication can happen. Freedom is the result of openness. Jesus said, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32 TEV).

A Countdown Ensues.

So, I've just started a countdown to the days I have to stay here. As of date, I have 45 days to go before I can go to LA and visit my fiance and the city. And after a week, I'm off to Florida. I am hoping that it's a little bit better than here. It's not bad here at all, but I've had enough! Anyway, I am really looking forward to moving. It is much farther than LA, but I am hoping that there's more to do, and better people for company.

I am also praying that my fiance will get to go with me. We really wanna go to Alaska for summer. So, keeping my fingers crossed!

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOREEEDDDD!!!

Fighting Loneliness.

I still have 2 and a half months here in the Colorado Rockies. Forgive me but for the likes of me, there is nothing to do here. Sure, the cliff dwellings were awesome, the petroglyphs are an experience and the surroundings are perfect, picturesque even, but I've been here for nearly 3 months and I'm over it. I will always remember the things I saw and learned, joining the tours, talking to locals but I am ready to move on.

It's lonely out here! Sometimes, I wanna jump off one of the cliffs already! I don't have a car, I solely rely on the shuttle to get me to the HR office or Post Office in the property and the town shuttle to go to town to buy groceries. On occasion there are activities, a trip to the casino, a tour of a cliff dwelling thats not part of the regular tour, river rafting (which was rather too early in the season when they decided to do it), there will be a Farmington run (which I will not join) and others. If I had a car I'd probably enjoy it more, I can drive to Durango and spend an afternoon taking pictures of the historic town and the train. I can eat at Sushitarian. I can drive to the park and sit there and watch the ducks and prairie dogs watch out for each other (it's rather funny!)or just nap under the trees.

My only relief from all all of this is after work, after a long day, I trudge to the dorms. I go to my room, open my laptop and I have a few messages waiting for me from my fiance. And we'd talk or fight or just talk. If the internet connection was better we'd be on webcam and I'd just watch him make silly faces, furrow his eyebrows about something, smile at something, argue with his mom or dad and sometimes, he'd watch me back.

So, Im just ready to get out of here. I'm ready to see a new place, meet new people, and discover new places for solitude.

Contentment.

It's so hard to be contented. When someone gets what they want, you think they can just start to kickback, relax and be happy. But no. I think it's human nature for us to then want something more.

A business man who only wanted to put up his own business will now want to put up an expansion. And then when he's finally put up an expansion, he will want to have his business be so sucessful that people will want to franchise...etc.

It's the same case with me. At first I only wanted to be able to come back here in the US. It didn't matter to me which state I will go. What was important was that I was closer to the person I love most. And then when I came here to Colorado, I wanted to see him. I wanted to be with him. And to make things worse, I wanted it NOW. And now I was just with him. We spent his birthday together. We did all the things we wanted to do, like eat at Denny's (again), watch a movie and travel. But now, he's on his way home. Now, I do not want him to leave. I wish, we can stay here together or I can go with him.

Being with him is like a natural sugar high. And now that he's leaving for home, I am crashing down...

When You Say Nothing At All

Bubu, reminds me of what we were talking about last night! I love you!

------

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

Child Sponsorship.

I have wanted to do this for awhile. But I keep hesitating. I kept saying, next time. And then I forget all about it. One fine Sunday, at church, a visiting priest spoke about sponsorships thru their organization. I listened. And I decided, I have to do this now, or else I wont be able to do this at all.

I picked a folder out. I read what was inside and put it back. I picked another one and read it and then put it back again. I picked a boy named Zal, eventually. He lives in Zamboanga in the Philippines. I chose someone from my home country simply because I know what poverty there is like.

I got my first newsletter today and I held back tears as I read the stories they shared about being a sponsor. I hope that I can keep sponsoring Zal and wont have to stop for financial reasons. I am happy that I finally did this.

If anyone is interested please contact: www.cfcausa.org Now I hope I remember to buy a postcard for him tomorrow! :)

Christian Rey Guilles. :)

I am talking to someone lately. And I want to help her. I want to help her move on from the misery she is feeling. I want her to know that there's hope somewhere. Reading her messages everyday though, makes me see how incredibly lucky I am. That I was able to break free, that I had the perfect reason to wanna be free from that past.

Rey - the love of my life, my soul mate, my forever, my Prince in his armor. He saved me from further self destruction. He saved me from myself. And he saved me from him. He showed me that whatever I had before was not love. That what WE had is what Love is all about.

He showed me why, it never worked out with anyone else.

How Is My Wish List?

This is my wishlist in 2008 for 2009. I wanna know how far I am from it. It's June and it's half the year. It is arranged in the order of the chances I will actually get it!


1. Rey. :P I am so happy!
2. One way ticket to LAX, for tomorrow. HAHA Well, it ain't LAX but beggars can't be choosers!
3. A job, again. HAHA
4. A new visa! HAHA Woooo!
5. A Mazdaspeed 3 Hatchback.
6. Plane tickets for two to Bora Bora!
7. A Mac Book Pro.
8. An iPhone.
9. AF Nikkor 14mm f/2.8D ED
10. Grand Livre de Cuisine Alain Ducasse's Culinary Encyclopedia and Grand Livre de Cuisine Alain Ducasse's Desserts and Pastries.

Not bad huh?!

Weee!!!

Missing my baby so badly.

Wanna see him already...

:(

:'(

:'''''''''(

The Prince.

I always thought that a Prince will be someone who is dashingly handsome.  And all the girls in the world will envy me because he chose me to be his princess.  He will come to me in a great white horse to save me from the foul creature that kept me from loving him. And after my Prince has slain the creature he will carry me on his horse, we will get married and live happily ever after.

But he’s not all of those things. My Prince is not only handsome outside but also inside. His heart is pure and full of love for me and all the people he cares about. He’s not your typical Prince who has a huge castle with plenty of gold and gems to offer me. He’s the kind of Prince who cares about others too much, and cares so little about himself. He is not the Prince who only serves to woo women and make them gush. He’s the Prince, who respects them and doesn’t play with their hearts.

Prince didn’t blow me away with his electrifying presence, but swept me away with his kind heart and thoughtfulness. My Prince showed me how to truly fall in love and stay in love. He showed me what real love is all about, a love that would last more than years, more than decades or even centuries.

I always protected myself from pain so I can keep my heart whole for him. But I found out that I was only whole when I was with him. When we are apart my soul languishes in agony for being without its other half. But endlessly hopes until the day that they are together again. He is not the Prince who plays but the one who prays, not only for me but for everyone he loves.

He’s the Prince who smiles when I smile and cries when I cry. He lifts me up when I’m down. And without an ounce of pride, lets me lift him up too. He hears out all my whines patiently and explains to me the reasons for such. He teaches the spoiled little girl in me, how to be grown up. He allows me to be his partner, the Ms. Hyde to his Dr. Jekyll, Lois Lane to his Clark Kent, Cher to his Sonny and the Batman to his Robin (HAHA). Partners, like husbands and wives. He’s the Prince who selflessly gives himself to me, and only me. He has attended to all my needs, and at times to my caprices.

He showed me a future at his side. Which place I never want to leave behind.  A little prologue to heaven, a future we both share and dream about. He’s the Prince I’ve been waiting for. He’s the one I wrote to once, and is writing to again. He’s the Prince I loved when I didn’t know him. And now that I do, there’s nothing else to do but…love him more.

So, How Am I?

I've been good. Really good!

Well, I wish I could get more hours at work.

I wish I could go to LA to be with my baby.

I wish his ex would disappear off the face of the planet.

But other than that, I'm really good!

I miss my friends. They're really the people I miss when I'm out of the country. Simply because it's really not the same here.

But I love my baby. So that's okay. Haha I will just keep missing them.

Trivia.

Mesa Verde's Cliff Dwellings is in the 1,000 Places To See Before You Die book!!!

That means only one thing...I have only 999 places to see before I die!

Weee!

I should buy that book.

Almost a month here in Colorado. I have seen the Cliff Dwellings, it's amazing! I still have to post pics but the internet is really bad. So, maybe next time. I'm enjoying myself here, I don't spend too much because I'm 40 miles from the nearest Wal-mart and there are only specific times that the bus takes us to go shopping.

I still cannot believe that I am fortunate enough to be able to return here. I thought it was going to be awhile. I still think about Amanpulo from time to time. But, I think I'm good here.

In keeping with tradition, I have been ignoring two people now. HAHA Which is kinda good, compared to the entire Filipino population I completely ignored back in Arizona. Well, except maybe like 4 or 5 people. It's not that I look down on them, it's just I didn't want to be part of it.

It's nice here where I am. Im waiting for a bear sighting, and hopefully I'd survive it. HEHE I've seen reindeers, cayotes, wild horses, different kinds of birds and different kinds of insects (which I wish I didn't have to see!)

I missed this. I'm waiting for my dvd's to come!

R and R: To Do List (Extended Version)

Adding to my fiance's list!

(Well, it's really the things I wanna do with him. I don't see any other person I'd enjoy it with.)

- Get married! On the date we set, with no delays.

- Watch fireworks, just the two of us.

- Backpack in Europe.

- Go on the London Eye Ferris Wheel.

- Go to Rio De Janeiro during the Carnavale!

- Have our honeymoon in Bora Bora Islands.

- Stargaze in Orleans, MA ( Nauset Knoll Lodge!)

- Go on a cross country trip in the US.

- Go to Batanes!

- Vacation in Cancun!!!

- Go to Turkey!!! Constantinople here we come!

- Visit Four Corners Monument.

There's too many things I wanna do with him!!! :)

Rainbow Colors.

I've met some rather interesting people here in Colorado already. We're all going to be working together some time. My dorm neighbors are Brazilian, Argentinean and Jamaicans. Some of the guys I will work with will be Thai, Vietnamese, more Jamaicans, more South Americans, English, Americans, Native Americans, Romanians and Canadians. I also have Filipino colleagues. And my room mates are three other Filipinas. They're quite different though, more civilized than the last. One of them can be such a pest, because she asks too manyquestions, some I find rather stupid but she's okay. One of them is a slow poke.

The Brazilians are kinda low key, same with the Argentineans. The Jamaicans are sort of loud but they seem to be fun. Osbourne says that their language is English but whenever I listen to them I kinda just hear "ratatatatatatatatatat." It sounds silly at times. But they speak alot slower when we talk to them.

Im quite lucky because I'm only a hop and a skip away from my work place. It's right across my dorm. I already met the Executive Chef and my Sous Chef. I'm hoping for a good season. Tell you more, I need to get some rest because I want to take a small walk. Take some photos and catch the sunset.

Victory.

And so. I have news I've been keeping for awhile just like the last time. And now I can say it. Im here at the Denver International Airport. I'm waiting for my flight to Durango, Colorado. I know it's far from Los Angeles, but I do not mind. I know that soon enough I will be with my Lovey again. AND WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY! HAHA I can't wait.

For awhile I have been so mad for getting stuck in the Philippines, because of very bad choices. But now, I am given another shot at playing the ball. I am given a chance to change my life and this time, make better decisions. I still have some remainders of the past bad decisions I made. Hopefully I will forgive myself for those things before I enter a new chapter in my life. If things go as planned.

I am excited to start over with my life. I know I have good things in store for me. For now, all I can say is that I am so tired. But I am very very happy to be here.

"...he's so wonderful, I realize that I had been terrible..." - Manel

Wow. As in WOW. I went out to see my friend Manel today and while we talked about our significant others she said these words and I realized that I felt the exact same thing! And I never, NEVER admitted to it until today. Yes, I am burning in hell with my pride. HAHA

Thing is, I never told Rey just how wonderful he is, until today. When the truth is, he is the most wonderful thing that happened to me. Even his sister agrees, he's the perfect boyfriend. :)

And the best thing is. He is MY boyfriend! As in MINE ONLY! HAHA Eat your heart out! :P

One More Chance.

Holy week. This is the time I usually spend envying other people who can go to the beach and lay around the sun and the sand, while I stay at home, try to pray and put my iPod on loop. HEHE And so, in a clear effort not to stay green with envy I just watch TV. Thank heavens for cable! Well, not really. I know. I know this is not a time to watch television and drown myself with my play list but I can only focus on praying and repenting for so many hours. And so I ended up indulging the cheesy in me and started watching Cinema One. And just my luck, it’s John Lloyd and Bea!!! And what a movie. One where I can sooo clearly relate to right now. Gah.

Synopsis:
Bea (Basia) and John Lloyd (Popoy) have been together for five years. They’re planning to get married. Basia and Popoy both work for the same construction firm where Basia is an Architect and Popoy is an Engineer. Basia broke up with Popoy because of how he was handling the relationship. She has started to feel like she lost a part of herself when they were together. She started to struggle in the relationship and eventually had to choose between the man she loves and between learning to love herself again. Of course he was devastated with her decision and was a wreck. After months of being separated Popoy returned to her scene (started to join barkada stuff again) appearing to have completely moved on. He also has a new girlfriend, a singer – but there’s something different about the “moved on” Popoy. Basia, of course, is still in love with him and broke up with him because she felt like she needed it. Popoy never really stopped loving her. The new girlfriend was the rebound. Poor girl. How does it end? Of course, Popoy just needed time to be alone and forget the pain Basia cost but in the end comes back for her, and I guess they lived happily ever after.

Where do I relate in this story? I’m the singer. HAHA. Well, it’s really not THAT funny. Whats the moral of this story? Stick to the iPod, steer clear of cheesy Pinoy love team films! GAH.

Missing Cape Cod.

It's Spring time in the USA. And it's going to be summer soon. I miss Cape Cod. I miss Nauset Beach. I miss walking there with a can of coke and a slice of pizza from Zia's. And I miss walking home and swingin by the Sundae School and indulging in a huge cup of Nauset Mud Pie Ice Cream. Oh that's life.

It'd be fun to share it with my Lovey too!!!

Exciting!

Well, my life is quite eventful. I have a lot going on. The most exciting part is that I have two standing job offers in the works. Really great opportunities, I am sooo torn. HAHA

Oh well.