If You're Not The One.

By Daniel Bedingfield

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And know I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

A Keeper.

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery why it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why love grows and a mystery why some love fails. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons, causes, but you will never do more than take the life out of the experience. Just as life itself is more than the sum of the interest and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes at its one time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its many ways.

Sometimes, hopefully, at least once in your life, the gift of love will come to you in full flower, and you will take hold of it, celebrate it in all of its inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on. When this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves aways. When they fall out of love, or when the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to claim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on. They want answers when there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong with them that makes the other person no longer love them, or they try to get their love to change, thinking that if some small things are different, love will bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if they go away and start a new life together, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what has happened. But there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in the sea of misery. You need to treat what it brings to you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. LOVE JUST DOESN'T CHOOSE TO REST IN THE OTHER PERSON'S HEART.

If you find someone else in love with you, and you didn't love him back, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OR CAUSE PAIN. How you deal with love is how love deals with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys even if our love and ways are diffirent. If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or assess blame. LET IT GO. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time. Remember that you don't choose love, LOVE CHOOSES YOU.

All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts with empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to see love as something that flows to them rather than from them. The first blush of love is filled to overwflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead becomes someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has it's own time, its own season, and it's reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives, and give it away when it comes to you. But when it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing we can do and there is nothing we should do. Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad it came to live for a moment. Keep your heart open, IT WILL COME AGAIN.
______________________________
Just flitting thru stuff...

I remember my besty recited this to me over the phone one night. I thought he wrote it. I asked him to fax me a copy. (Di pa uso email nun!)

Dear John

Have you ever opened a book expecting a good story? You read it, at first it seemed to drag on for a couple of pages, and then at every turn of the page you realize, that the story, is somehow yours.

I picked up a book at CVS Pharmacy (for lack of other shopping places to look at). I chose it because it was written by Nicholas Sparks. It was a sure good read. And it is. But I realized in its pages I found my own love story, sort of.

There were parts where the feeling was so famillar to me. When John described the first time he met Savanah like he was drawn to her. And he realized he was falling in love with her even in the short time they were together. The feeling when he left because he had to go back to work. The feeling of desperation in trying to keep them together.

I knew all of it. I knew because I felt it. I know because I am still feeling all of it.

Indecent Proposal.

If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with.

- Diana Murphy

He let me go. He let me go after my dreams. And in a couple of months, I'll be back home. To him, I hope. I really hope.

I thought we were invincible. But now I know that the things that people in love do to each other, they remember. And if they stay together, it's not because they forget. It's because they forgive.

- David Murphy

I think I got the courage to leave because I thought that he really meant it when he said that he wanted me to go after my dreams. And I had so much faith in us that we were going to make it. He said he's changed. And I believe that people change, when they want to. I had faith that people can change for love and for themselves.

In the past year, we've been through a lot. Our relationship has had the highest of highs and the lowest of the low. Just these past couple of months we hit the lowest I can imagine. But I want us to rise up admist all of these. I want to come home and see him again. And this time we'll talk about our plans, this time we will be more than lovers, we will be friends. We wont waste time staring into nothing but instead we'll spend time holding each other's hands, making wishes, painting our future with our dreams and talking.

Yes, it was silly to think that absolutely nothing can shake us, what we are and what we have. The things I felt for him were so strong, it swept me away to a different world. Our feelings felt so strong, and maybe you think I was assuming too much but I felt it in the way he looked at me, the way he would touch me and the way he would hold me in his arms. I wanted to believe that God gave me him and therefore everything will be beautiful. I forgot that I am still alive, and living is not complete without the uncertainties, pain, and adversity. I guess for the most part I am scared that the same thing that has happened to me before will happen to me yet again.

I hope that my love story is different this time. That the fairytale has ended such as that my Prince promised, but it doesn't mean that it won't be a happily ever after.

Take A Bow

By Rihanna

[Intro]
Ohh, how about a round of applause,
Yeah, standin’ ovation,
Ooh ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

[Verse 1]
You look so dumb right now,
Standin’ outside my house,
Tryin’ to apologize,
You’re so ugly when you cry,
Please, just cut it out.

[Chorus]
Don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not,
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught,
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh ohh.

[Verse 2]
Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone),
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on (come on),
Talkin’ ’bout girl, I love you, you’re the one,
This just looks like the re-run,
Please, what else is on.

[Chorus]
And don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not (mmm),
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught (mmm),
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow, ohh.

[Bridge]
And the award for the best liar goes to you (goes to you),
For makin’ me believe that you could be faithful to me,
Let’s hear your speech out,
How about a round of applause,
A standin’ ovation.

[Chorus]
But you put on quite a show (oh),
You really had me goin’,
But now it’s time to go (oh),
Curtain’s finally closin’,
That was quite a show (oh),
Very entertainin’,
But it’s over now (but it’s over now),
Go on and take a bow.

But it’s over now.

_____________________

Ehem. Song is nice. No further comment.

Why I Should Stop Reading Other People's Blogs.

"there are things in life worth not letting go.... just because you want to be something else, you'll have to risk losing them"

- Troll, college friend

I was just skimming along my multiply site, as usual, my only form of gossiping. HEHE And I chanced upon a blog by a college friend. He has always been interesting to me. Nonetheless, he was writing about leaving and not leaving for work abroad. He was writing about the reasons why he wont leave. And after he said what I have quoted, he posted a picture of the person he loves.

Which brings me to wonder? Why did I ever even think about leaving him behind? Did I think he wasnt worth it? That my dreams are more important to me? I guess, this is just residue from the whole ex thing. That I wont build my dreams around another person anymore or I will not compromise my dreams because of a guy, who will just inevitably leave me in the end. Hay.

Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful. It's for the bold.
It's for those willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love.
It's for those, knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.

- Pexer

I don't really know, it just seems to give me a pinch of hope for me and Francis. That after all the pain, the problems, the good, the bad, the worst, the best, the whatevs...WE will still work.

Waiting For Love.

Hey.

You know when you have nothing else better to do for the rest of your night, you start to flit through websites and read stuff. I was on this website, this girl is writing about love. She hasn't loved anyone since she broke up with her ex-boyfriend 10 years ago. Isn't that amazing?

But the thing is, it isnt. I get it. I might've not waited that long. But I know the feeling. Although I found it in me to let myself love someone again, there's always the fear of things ending up the way it did the last time. I did not wait for 10 years though. I found someone I fell in love with more than a year ago.

It took me awhile to recover from the pain. I went through a phase of self destruction, that wasnt obvious if you simply looked at me. A while back, I read a couple of blog entries I wrote about it. And even if it seemed so long ago, it still brought tears in my eyes.

It's funny, because I was telling my present SO all about forgiving and forgetting. I realized that I too have a lot of forgetting to do. I have forgiven but I think in a way when you get hurt, you never forget the pain. And that's where the fear starts to grow from.

Still watching One Tree Hill...

Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.

I have my wish. And it's you.

Life Is Short.

*Sigh* Another proof that life is short. A friend of mine back in Arizona passed away. She wasn't even 30 yet. I am not sure of her exact age but she's probably around 26. She's a very nice girl. She always smiled and always said hi to me. She was going to get married next year. But I know she's in a better place.

RIP: Erin

Once and For All.

*deleted*

Im better than this. HEHE

Tips On How Men Stay Married.

1. Always put her first -- before work, friends, even basketball. Act as if she's the best thing that ever happened to you, because we all know she is.

2. Keep no secrets. Pool your money. Allow nothing and no one to come between you.

3. Pick your fights with care. Play fair. Show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they're hard to forget.

4. Fall in love again everyday. Kiss her in taxis. Flirt with her at parties. Tell her she's beautiful. Then tell her again.

5. Never miss an anniversary or a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now but one day they'll be gold.

6. Never give her a practical gift. If she really wants a Shop-vac let her pick it out herself.

7. Go to church together, and pray every day for each other and your marriage.

8. Pay your bills on time and make sure you each have a living will, a durable power of attorney and life insurance, lest, God forbid, you need them.

9. Love her parents as your own, but don't ask them for money. Never criticize her family or friends. On her birthday send flowers to her mother with a not saying "Thank you for giving birth to the love of my life."

10. Always listen to her heart. If you're wrong say you're sorry; if you're right, shut up.

11. Don't half tie the knot; plan to stay married forever.

12. Never go to bed mad; talk until you're over it, or you forget why you were mad.

13. Laugh together a lot. If you can laugh at yourselves, you'll have plenty to laugh about.

14. Never criticize, correct or interrupt her in public; try not to do it in private, too.

15. Remember that people are the least lovable when they are most in need of love.

16. Never fall for the myth of perfectionism, it's a lie.

17. When you don't like each other, remember that you love each other; pray for the good days to return and they will.

18. Tell the truth, only the truth with great kindness.

19. Kiss at least 10 seconds a day, all at once or spread out.

20. Memorize all her favorite things and amaze her with how very well you know her.

21. Examine your relationship as often as you change the oil in your car. Keep steering it on a path you both wanna go.

22. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally and never stop growing spiritually.

23. Never raise your voice unless you're on fire. Whisper when you argue.

24. Be both friends and lovers; in a black out light a candle, then make your own sparks.

25. Finally, be an interesting person, lead your own life. But always save your best for each other. In the end you will know you were better together than you ever could've been apart.

- Taken from Vitality, July 2008

All You Need Is Love.

“Love is the greatest of all risks. It is not reliable, it is not cautious. It is not sympathetic and it is merciless. It strikes the strongest of mind, and brings them to their knees in one blow. The risk of love never depletes, it grows stronger and more dangerous with time. It consumes your every thought and desire… and every breath you take. It is the fire that fuels you, to do more than just pass through life. It urges you instead, to live. No matter what the outcome, having felt love, you will never be the same. It may scar your heart and your soul, and leave you with only memories of forever. Or it may cause every day of your life, to feel like there is no need for tomorrow. Love is worth it. It is worth the risk. For in all of life, love is truly the only risk worth taking.”

This is just a week full of copied things off of other blogs. Something rather interesting has happened to me. A person who told me she didn't want to hear from me again emailed me again. I rather understand what shes going through. Rough. Been there. First there's Pain, Denial and Bitterness. I saw her go through it. I went through it too before.

Well, anyway Francis and I are doing much, much better. Which is great. Right now I am feeling so tired. As in physically, emotionally and mentally drained out. Maybe it was the past few weeks, or maybe it has been the past year. It's just different. It used to be that whenever I felt weary, Francis has been there to alleviate the weariness. A ready smile, a big hug and a tender kiss was enough to make me feel better. But now, I cant get any, for obvious reasons. There's so little outlet for the weariness. That its all trapped within. Hay.

Oh well.

The Sacrament Of Waiting.

by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.

The English poet John Milton once wrote that those who serve stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakeable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts than all the great deeds of derring-do that go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery—a natural sacrament of life. There is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting—testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in our self-control—pasensya na lang. We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations, and bus depots are temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one—or wait in sadness to say goodbye and to give that last wave of hand. We wait for birthdays and vacations; we wait for Christmas. We wait for spring to come or autumn—for the rains to begin or stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next step. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success, and recognition. We wait to grow up—to reach the stage where we make our own decision.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is part of the tapestry of living—the fabric in which the threads are woven that tell the story of our lives.

Yet the current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. “Grab all the gusto you can get.” So reads one of America’s great beer advertisements—Get it now. Instant pleasure—instant transcendence. Don’t wait for anything. Life is short—eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you’ll die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom—premarital sex and extramarital affairs—they warn against attachment and commitment, against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us, against vows and promises, against duty and responsibility, against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and to wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure—but even that is fleeting and doubtful. What was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure? “Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated.” Now if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, souls as well as heart, we have to learn to love someone else other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery brushing by our face everyday like stray wind or a leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has ever loved knows how much waiting goes into it, how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this so? Why can’t we have love right now—two years, three years, five years—and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit, the seed to flower, carbon to change into a diamond.

There is no simple answer, no more than there is to life’s demands: having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have already made other commitments, or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives, having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your path. Goodbyes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth—the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we love them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting—of being present without making demands or asking rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other until they can see things the same way, or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. What do we lose when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance and intimacy of the way they were? They have to wait—in silence—but still be present to each other until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory, and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait? When we try to find short cuts through life, when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of ever truly loving or being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature. Isn’t it of their very essence that they are filled with the strange but common mystery—that waiting is part of the substance, the basic fabric—against which the story of that true love is written?

How can we ever find either life or love if we are too impatient to wait for it?
_____________
Got it from Ella's multiply site.

Wedding remnants...

I was at church today, sleepily listening to the homily, when I noticed a blue pamphlet. I took it and saw that it was a programme for a wedding held at the church yesterday. At the back, it read:

"Nothing is more practical than findng God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, what you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."

- Rev. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

I couldn't think of anyone else but Francis. I blinked back tears. Why are there always tears when I think about him? Why is there a slight pang of pain in my heart? Is it because I miss him? Or because I remember the things that hurt me? Or because I honestly dont know where I am in his heart right now?

Before I left everything was set. We planned to get married as soon as we have enough money for a wedding and enough money to start us off a life together. When I got back he said that we will start to live together, because he couldnt stand being without me anymore. He said he didn't care what my folks thought of it. When I got back a condominium will be waiting for me and him to live in. He wanted 3 kids to start, but as we talk about it some more he would add until he just said, "I want plenty of babies!" I don't easily forget the things he says espescially the things that made me smile. You'd be surprised with all the things that I still remember.

I secretly pictured living with him in my mind. I'd pretend to be waking up beside him instead of my room mate. I'd smile at the thought that I'd be preparing his breakfast for him, preparing his clothes for work on the bed. I'd pretend to have strong lean arms pulling me towards him at night.

So many dreams. And now, I dont know how tomorrow will look like. All I know is that, all of this is for love.

Heaven.

I just put down my copy of The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom. It was a good story. But kinda over rated for all the raves I got for it. Although it wasn't bad. It was good. The chapter that touched me most was when he was with his wife, Marguerite. It was heart wrenching. Is that what true love is? That when the person you loved has gone they can still feel the love that you had for them in after life.

"Life has to end." She said. "Love doesnt."

I think I rather like that kind of love. If heaven is like what the story says it is then I will not take my own life, like I sometimes want to, so I can have my own choice of what kind of heaven I want to live in.

If I could choose it: I would choose a heaven that is peaceful where I sit in a bench cozied up to the one I love. Where we are safe from the beatings of the cruel world. Where we are safe from people who wants to see us apart. And I will wait for him there.

Confusing.

Eons of blog entries back, I said I wanted to keep my life simple. I do. I really do. But it's hard! Situations, feelings and everything else in between is making it hard. I wish it was that easy to say everything is okay. But it's not.

Right now I am very confused with what he says and what he does. I wish everything was just consistent. Everything in black and white. No grey areas. I hate being in the grey area where no is sometimes a yes, and yes is never what it seems to be.

Back To Square 1.

I'm home alone again
And you're out hangin
with your friends
So you say
Somehow I know it's
not quite that way
It's getting pretty late
And you haven't
checked on me all day
When I called you didn't answer
Now I'm feeling like
your ignoring me
I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms

And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

I wish I wasn't
in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
it just ain't fair the
way you treat me
No you don't deserve me
Wasting my time thinking
bout you when you ain't
never gon change
I wish I wasn't in
love with you so I
wouldn't feel this way

When you touch me my heart melts
And everything you did
wrong I forgive
So you play me and take advantage
Of the love that I feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you
that's why I'm so mad
Now I'm drowning in disappointment
And it's hard for me to
even look at you
And I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms
And I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

Said you care about me
But from what I see
I ain't feeling that
So I disagree
Gave you all my love
And understanding
And you're treating me
like your enemy
So leave me alone
Don't want nothing from you
Just go back where you came from
This house is no longer your home
You are not welcome no no no more

Hear you knockin' at the door again
I'm wonderin' should I let you in
I open up the door and see
The flowers for me
so beautiful in your hands
you stopped begging me
to take you back
I've always been a
sucker for romance
And before you know
it I concede
You're all over me
Oh no here I go again
I wish I wasn't in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me
_______________________________

Why is it that I always, always end everything with this song. Argh. :(

When I went to church this morning towards the end of the mass, the priest called out to a couple who wanted to renew their vows. They were together for 65 years? Wow, can you imagine? I mean, some people get so annoying as they grow old. Some people are just annoying. Period.

And then tears started to roll down my eyes, father said something like "it has not been an easy journey together, i am sure there are hardships and trials, father we ask you..." That was it, a line that I will always remember. 65 years. I wonder what they went through together. Is it anything like what I am going through right now?

Closing Cycles...

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Last Letter.

Hey,

You know very well how much I loved you. When we first met, I remember how scared I was to fall in love with you because I didn't want to get hurt. I looked at you and I saw a person who was just going to jerk me around, like most of them did. But as I got to know you better, I thought that it was safe to let me guard down. To let you in. And my life changed. Wanting you to become my prince was different from actually living it. Now, my letters are especially meant for someone.

I know perfectly well that fairytales are too good to be true, but the only thing that seemed simillar to fairytales and real life are the challenges along the way before they live happily ever after. You showed me how to love without your presence, and even love greatly when I was finally with you.

I know I hurt you when I left. It was cruel. We were just starting out together and I had to leave. To fulfill my dreams. I know it seemed that I didn't have dreams with you in it. I did. I have plenty. But I thought to myself we have our entire lifetime to build them. And I only had this moment to fulfill mine. I was selfish. You had every right to be mad at me for leaving.

I felt you get angry. I felt it. I deserved every hurtful thing you said to me. And maybe I deserved the way you sometimes treated me. I want to make things better for us. Whenever I tried to talk to you about us, you always seemed to be eager to make things work between us. Which meant alot to me. I cannot wait to go home to start doing this with you, working things out. But there is also a part of me that asks "What if we cant work it out?" I dont know. I am selfish again. Because I dont want to go home and face that. I can't. It's too painful to lose you.
You told me many times that I was the greatest/best thing that happened in your life, but why don't you treat me that way anymore. Sometimes I want to walk away from you. But I am scared you will just watch me leave. You wont run after me. You won't talk me out of leaving. Walking away is not because I do not love you anymore. Sometimes people walk away because they want to know how much a person loves them. Sometimes people break up with you because they want you to want them back. But then there are people like you, people who are proud. I don't blame you. You had your share of experiences, that led you to the person that you are right now.

I just wanted to love you. At first I was content just loving you. Until you said, you loved me back. And it was the best kind of love I have experienced in my life. But it's changed. Like the wind, like footprints in the sand, it's slowly getting washed away. I want the pain to stop. And just love you all over again. And you can love me all over again too.

You always told me that love can wait. I want to hold on to our promises and vows. To the plans and dreams that we have together. But those fantasies has to stop. I am not putting false hopes on our love that was lost. I walked away not because I stopped loving you. I walked away because it's time to face the truth. People change, feelings fade away, and you were also susceptible to that. I dont know what the future might have for me, if along the way I will see you again. You weren't even kind enough to respond to me. I guess that was it. I knew it, you would let me walk away, maybe because you didn't care enough run after me.

I loved you. A person just has to know when to accept defeat and let it go.

Summer.

Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where it's always summer? Or since the world turns and that is impossible then live in places where it's summer time so all of your life it's always summer!

Like:

Summer in Phils is March to May
Summer in US is June to September
Summer in Australia December to Feb

So I just have to figure out where to go on October and November, where would it be summer time on these months?! Wouldn't it be absolutely fun?! Especially if you live very near the beach. I love summer time.

P.S I Love You.

I've wanted to read this book for awhile. I haven't gotten around to it. But yesterday I saw the movie, thanks to housemate, Richard. I was crying like a baby! And he laughed at me alot. What can I do?! I cry easily! Remember the Mc Donald's commercial, Karen po? I used to cry when that commercial went on tv.

Back to the movie. Gerard Butler was HOT! Weeeeeeeeee! As in! Not to mention the accent was super HOT! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!! James Masters (or whatever), Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, looks really old! And there's another hot guy with an accent. HEHE

Anyway, while watching the movie, I can't help but wish that I would have a guy like Gerry (not Gerard Butler, but the character -- although Gerard won't be THAT bad. HAHA) I mean he actually helped his wife, Holly (Hilary Swank) move on and get over his death.

But the words that kept ringing in my head is...

What do you want? I know what I want, cause I'm holding it in my hands right now. You.

- Gerry Kennedy

Haller!!! Sino ba naman hindi maiinlove sa ganyang asawa diba? I swear those words rang in my ear over and over and over again. I wish alot of people, including myself, would know what they wanted when they're still holding it in their hands, not when it's already gone. I think if most of us, ayan ha hindi all, knew or had this wisdom the world would be a much happier place.

If we all knew what we would be missing without that person in our life, then we can end an endless chain of senseless loss. And the only loss we will experience is when our loved one's time has passed. But then it wont be such a loss, because we know we cherished them even to the last moment of their lives.

A (Mr.) Big Happy Ending.

I realized, I want a Big happy ending. You know, painful, long, messed up relationship, but still works in a abso-fuckinlutely good way. Labo ba? You think I am taking this SATC addiction quite too far, right? No, not really. It's just that love is really that, painful, happy, endless, and sometimes messed up! But when two people make it a common goal to work things out then it does work out. I mean I have been there, wanting to work things out, it's just the other person didn't want to, until later on when I wasn't interested anymore.

You know that thing where you didn't think he'd actually go far to try to get you, then he pulls a big surprise and he does? Things like that. I have a friend who is obssessed with finding someone who will fall crazy in love with her. I don't know as how crazy she wants the guy to be, but I hope not as crazy as some of my Bubu's ex bitches. And I think she's crazy to actually want something like that.

What I want is this...

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

- Carrie Bradshaw

Inner Monologues...again.

Sometimes I have these bad break up conversations with Francis in my head. Where I contradict myself and him. I point out all our promises and vows. And it just dawned on me, that I shouldn't think about those things because I am never going to have those conversations with him.

And so, I tried to remember what the things that he's told me. "I don't play around coz i'm not a kid. My respect for you still stands firm. We'll work this out together...you and me...i will stay and hold my ground. When the time comes that you no longer need me then I shall leave, but for now, I will care for you. I will continue this journey. I will FIGHT for us if i must. I'm here to stay, I will protect YOU and you will protect me."

These are the things that bring me comfort.

This Is What Reading Archived Blogs Does To You.

One of the best things we can do in our lives is this: Begin again. Begin to see yourself as you were. When you were the happiest and strongest you've ever been. Begin to remember what worked for you (and what worked against you), and try to capture the magic again. Begin to remember how natural it was when you were a child -- To live a lifetime each day. Begin to forget the baggage you have carried with you for years: the problems that don't matter anymore, the tears that cried themselves away, dnd the worries that are going to wash away on the shore of tomorrow's new beginnings. Tomorrow tells us it will be here every new day of our lives; and if we will be wise, we will turn away from the problems of the past and give the future -- and ourselves -- a chance to become the best of friends. Sometimes all it takes is a wish in the heart to let yourself begin again.

Can you believe that I commented this to my friend. It's a poem I found a long time ago, that I have forgotten. Why do we forget these things? We shouldn't. These are lessons. We really shouldn't forget them.

I dont think it is right to even find someone like what you're looking for, nor become a person like that.We need someone who can be there even if we dont see or feel him physically. And hope that this person accept us for who we are and also teach us to become a person who not only "see" but also "feel", without having to be clingy.

One more. I mean, I am smart right? I mean look at the things I have been saying?

I am so disappointed with the person I have become! Well...not really. Just with the way I have dealt with my relationship. It's like I didn't learn anything AT ALL! But on the brighter side, I have learned to become more independent and self reliant due to rising needs to be one.

Wait! Wait! It's 8:30 AM on my side teh world, and the sun is out. I should be out tanning. I'll be back to ponder more on my inconsistencies.

SATC.

I finally saw the Sex And The City Movie, well, a crappy version of it. But nonetheless it was what I have been expecting from it. Lessons, lessons, lessons. Its weird right, can you really pick up lessons from this movie? Well, I don't know about you but I picked up some stuff from the series.

I love these lines:

"It's not logic, it's love."

- Carrie Bradshaw

I think I've seen this series from the start that I have seen Carrie make up and break up with Big. All the pain. Okay, I know it's a fictional character, but what happens to them has happened to alot of people in the real world. They love, their loved ones hurt them but they forgive. Maybe it doesn't work out for everyone, but it does work out okay in the end.

"I will love you forever. Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours."

- Mr. Big

At the beginning of Carrie's relationship with Big, I thought he was the kind of man who didn't know anything about love. Until this. He just struck me as someone who just jerks around. And I have met men like him a couple of times.

Carrie's gotten her happy ending. Would it be so bad to wish for a SATC ending like Carrie's? I mean after all the pain we all go through, with life, or with relationships, are happy endings just for movies? At one point can everyone get theirs?

Stress.

OMG! I am so stressed out.

The last time I remember feeling this way was when I was gonna do my midterms for ISCAHM. Which by the way I ended up acing. HEHE.

I am so stressed that I am either throwing up or well, you know. And I haven't been able to finish my meals. Not even a freakin' grilled cheese sandwich. And I don't even eat much anymore.

I sleep late and wake up at 6 AM every time. Even if slept at 2 AM. Argh. It all started at the beginning of the week.

Before I Met You.

Do you remember my Prince letters? I found a song that tells my love story.

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[chorus:]

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

~~~
Was it the same way for you too? :)

Love.

Today, I thought about love alot. What is it? Do we really understand what it means?

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."

- Peter Ustinov

"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."

- Erich Fromm

So, this is why we always want to have someone to love us. That we are all lost souls in this universe seeking out for our one true mate.

"In the final analysis, love is the only reflection of man's worth."

- Bill Wundram, Iowa Quad Cities Times

I wonder if St. Peter, will ask us if we ever really loved anyone unconditionally when we are at heaven's gates.

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

- Elizabeth Browning

I agree. Totally.

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

- Woody Allen

Yup, right down here!

And my favorite of all...love from the Bible.

Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. (NIV)

Proverbs 17:9
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends. (NLT)

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (NIV)

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (NIV)

Ephesians 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (NIV)

~~~
I know you're wondering why right? I have fallen a few times only to bruise myself and each fall, I have survived. I have become cynical and embittered by past experiences in loving someone. Until I came to terms that seeking out love is not how it works. So I let it be, instead I started to dream and hope for my Prince. And someone came. And I made a choice to love him. I made a choice for him to my Prince.

Things haven't been perfect, sometimes, they were hard. But my heart tells me not to give up. My heart tells me only to love him more. After all, love shouldn't end. Because it is not love when it ends. So a love story is not a love story if it has an ending. This is the reason why most fairy tales end with a happily ever after...

Home.

This song sums up all that I feel at this very moment, and the last couple of days...

Do I still have one?
_______________
I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

It's called a Yo-yo.

Im a yo-yo. My emotions are up and down, up and down.

I miss my bubu. - I miss his love letters, his text messages and his calls.

I hope I'll see him very soon.

I wish I'd be there for his birthday.

I wish I'd be the one he saw whenever he looked at someone's way...

Quick To Panic.

Panicky again.

Its hard when you're 25, nothing in the bank to your name, no property to your name. I mean like me, I want to buy a condo unit back home. God knows why because I also want to migrate but I just want one. And I dont know why. Some people have it easy they have parents who are rich enough to buy the condo for them.

There are some like me who have to earn their way to some things. Its weird that my friends and better half say I'm a brat. So basically now I am panicking because I'm leaving a safety net. When I go back, I'll go back to my mom's house and live with her nagging and ratatat.

At least my dog will be there. I miss him so much! But I miss his daddy more! HAHA

I had a good start. I dont know why I pushed it. Now, it's downhill.

I went to church, and I just felt like its the safest place in the world.

No one will judge me, I can silently cry out in anguish and I know I will be heard.

I know things will get better. I read somewhere that in the end, everything will be okay. If it's not, then it's not the end.

Questions?

How do you know if a person loves you?

Is it how much he tells you? Or how much he remembers to text you?

Why is it that we know God loves us?

But not know if a person really does?

How do you tell a frantic heart to not worry?

How do you know when to face facts or just continue living a lie?

How do you know when you're being decieved or when you are not?

How do you know when to stop and let it all go?

How do you know when to keep fighting?

Are these questions just here because you're not here beside me?

Will it be different if you were?

Sermon...as usual.

I was just talking to my aunt. The usual sermon. You know, when she gets worked up she can go on and on. I don't blame her, all the pent up frustration. I can see where she wants me to go. And I want to get there too. But accepting her help sometimes mean that I have to give up my life, and live it the way she wants me to.

Darn...darn...darn.

Remembering...

I was reading my previous entry...

I remembered when we dropped Bill off where he stays (Solheim, its a lutheran home which has two different areas, they have an area for oldies who can still manage to be left alone and a separate area for oldies who had clinical problems, trauma, Alzheimer's etc.) Anyway, Bill repeated to me that my aunt and uncle is working out a way for Dorothy and him to be able to live together in the home. He said it to me over and over like a broken record "Soon, Dorothy and I will be together, they're working everything out."

It's sad because he doesn't realize that it won't happen. Dorothy still has a healthy mind and if she stayed there shes going to be assigned to a different area. I hope that my aunt and uncle does work something out.

I kinda feel this way right now...

I miss you.

Untitled

"I dont care what people say, I had a beautiful life."

- Dorothy Faubion

I don't know why, it seemed like she told me out of the blue because I needed to hear it. It's amazing to hear her say it. She's very old, probably about 80-early 90's. Her husband, Bill was diagnosed of Alzheimer's about 2 years ago and since then they have been living separately. I listened to their stories and their jokes. And it was very endearing. It makes me think about my life. I pray that when I come to her age, I can look back and say "I had a beautiful life."

A life lived with fruitfully with my husband and our children. And even if I would sometimes forget our memories, like Dorothy, I would look at our family, I would say, "I dont care what people say, I had very beautiful life!"

Im tired of acting like I got it together.

Im tired to convincing myself that everything is okay.

Im tired. I want to stop and take a breather.

Since I couldn't embed the song itself...

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
Oh

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus:]
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care

So how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No more
It's no air, no air

[Chorus x2]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

...

Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them never to pull the trigger.

-Spongebob


'Nuff said.

Conflicting Heart Whispers...

My heart is at it again. Torn between love for career and love for my Francis. The good news is at least its not another man. Right? RIGHT?

But this is the final plan. I am going home. And when I leave again, Francis will be with me...I hope.

Mean Girls Theme. HAHA

To all those who cannot be like us. And just resort to bullshit.
-------------------------------

Can you hear them
They talk about us
Telling lies
Well that's no surprise

Can you see them
See right through them
They have no shield
No secrets to reveal

It doesn't matter what they say
In the jealous games people play
Our lips are sealed

Careless talk
Through paper walls
We can't stop them
Only laugh at them

Spreading rumors
So far from true
Dragged up from the underworld
Just like some precious pearl

It doesn't matter what they say
In the jealous games people play
Our lips are sealed
Pay no mind to what they say
It doesn't matter anyway
Our lips are sealed

There's a weapon
We must use
In our defense
Silence

When you look at them
Look right through them
That's when they'll disappear
That's when you'll be feared

Hush, my darling
Don't you cry
Quiet, angel
Forget their lies

Finally!

I have it all clear in my head. Thank God!

Lost.

I feel so lost right now. I have so many options it's confusing which to take. I do not resent God for presenting me with such. I am actually grateful that I had options. One way or another I would still have something at the end of the road for me. I just need guidance which path to take. Which will lead to a relatively contented journey of life.

Help, help, help!!!

Anxious Life.

This is how I always envisioned how my life would be:

Host a superb meal with superb spread, as in the kind where in I get pulled off the kitchen by my "fans". (My Chef now actually does this, his "fans" even go to the kitchen to thank him for their wonderful meal!)

And after that I can hop on to another chef's restaurant to have a late night snack and mingle with other great chefs.

Learn to drink wine, so I can be sassy! :P

And on weekends, I can getaway from it all with my family...hamilo coast or anvaya cove, it's the kid's choice. ;P

Im so excited to go to Cape Cod for the summer. After the next months that I will spend in Cape Cod, I'm coming home. I'm finally going to see my Bubu. I've missed him so much. But you know what sucks? That lil' gnaw in my heart that makes me want to stay here because here...my dreams are all true. I'm not so sure what awaits me when I go back. Or if my plans will show itself in due time.

Uncertainty...is my biggest foe at this moment. Its preventing me from getting what I want.

But this love...that I know I have, is enough, I guess. For in a million ways, he has made all of my dreams come true, too.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, SAY No Evil.

Remember how I have really crappy housemates? Okay...from now on I will no longer call 'em the names I used to call 'em. I was talking to my aunt last night and she told me off for name calling and making deregatory comments about these people. She's right. I am asking for a miracle right now. And why would God give me that miracle if I say alot of shit about people. So I must stop.

I must pretend.

I must pretend I dont see anything, hear anything and I must not say anything. Sometimes I must admitt I am so consumed in anger that I feel I want to destroy all of them. But I can't. Like my lawyer said, keep a good thought. So I must do what I must to keep msyelf away from such people.

Oh, this is so teasing my bratinella side.

On the bright side, I might to Vegas soon. I hope! And the more brighter side! I will not be seeing them anymore! Weee! :) Massachusettes is a good place! :)

Fear.

The Secret tells us that fear disables you from recieving what the universe has for you. What you want in your life. It says that to get what you want, you have to ask for it and believe that you deserve it.

I am plagued by fear, of being unsuccessful. And I realize today, fearing what is not there is only paralyzing me. It's not allowing to come full circle with all the blessings that is especially for me. Things I've asked for.

From now on, I'll worry about it when I get there. No more fear.

Yes. I'm going to make it my mantra.

Death.

I always wonder about death. You know how they show it on TV, that the person dying remembers his path that moment before he closes his eyes for the last time. I wonder if it's true. I admitt I dont want to die yet. I'm still young, I have alot of things I want to do. Its not wrong to think about it sometimes right?

Right?

Anyway...this is what happens when you watch Maging Sino Ka Man on you tube. Especially when you watch the part where Celine dies. Hehe

Plans.

I have so many plans. My head is swimming in them this very moment. I am trying to think about how I will do them all. But this is not what the law of attraction tells us.

It says:
Ask - Okay here are my plans... for the next 2 years.
~ Get a second job in MA.
~ Go home.
~ Get the visa.
~ Go to Canada.
~ Study in FCI.
~ Study Asian Culinary Arts in Singapore.
~ Buy Hamilo unit and membership.

Visualize - I have been doing that. I believe I will do all of them.

Recieve - Yes. Soon

What's confusing is, I have so many things I am asking for. Sheesh. The universe is probably confused.

Dreaming of Home.

Francis. The person I consider home. My home. My own. With him I felt I belong someplace, to someone's heart. I'm excited to see him again. My heart just wants to hurry up the next four months...

Excited and Grateful Heart.

I have a very good feeling about how things are going in my life. I'm excited and I smile at every thought about how good my life would be. Especially when I'm finally with Francis too. :)

Happy Anniversary!

Yes, its been a year since my Prince came to me.

And it has been blissful ever since...

I love you.

...

Why is it that when I am spending or even just thinking about spending on myself, I feel guilty for doing so?

I mean, I work hard, shouldnt I be able to enjoy even just a small part of my hard work?

:(

Just Trying Video Blogging.

Idle Minds are The Devil's Playground.

You know what they say.

I have been putting much effort into clearing my head and I end up thinking about bad things. Not good. So I read Faith by AC Ping instead. Couldn't concentrate on it.

So I'm going out...instead. Retail therapy always does it for me.

Other Uses for Tampons.

So, in the wake of my series of nose bleeds, I had one in the kitchen while working. Since I can't just sit in a corner and wait for it to stop because there was work to be done. I did the one thing I really didn't want to do, that G has suggested to me more than once. I took a tampon and shoved it up my nose. They wont stop laughing or staring at me. Chaz even said he thought he was sexy. He's hilarious.

It's getting dryer and dryer and any nasal action (re: nose picking, scratching or sneezing) will cause my nose to bleed. Hell I even bleed in the middle of the night.

Anyway so I spoke to Kevin for like what seemed like a long time and it's just sad to hear him become so cynical about love. I can see myself in him during my "dark days". I know it will pass. But he said he doesn't want it to pass. That he's consciously embracing this cynicism.

I know it may not seem much, but one day she'll find you. And then you'll agree with me Kev...ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. :)

In the mean time, we're here for you (manel and me) and we love you dude. Right doc?

Four Bad Dreams In ONE Night.

You know whan you fall asleep and start dreaming and it's a bad dream you wake up? And then you fall asleep again start dreaming and then it's a bad dream again?! Well yeah had those last night, four of them. The theme was the same, it's all about me and Francis breaking up.

1. Francis has a gay lover.

2. I forgot what we were fighting about but there was money involved and I fainted.

3. I was at church and I see Francis with another girl.

4. I was talking to his aunt or mom. She started to say sorry about our break up.

Mother fucker right?!

The Ironies Of Being a Brat in the US.

All of my friends know that I am a brat. My boyfriend has already embraced that fact about me, thank God, for his unconditional way of loving me. But my oh my, if you see me now in this world that I am now subjected in, you would think other wise.

When I came here to the US, I prepared myself to face a life without my mom - who nagged me to clean my room, put my things in its proper places, you know the drill. I also knew there wont be a laundrywoman or a stay in or out maid. Well I'm sure there is but I'm also sure I wont be able to afford her hourly salary. In short, I did not only they thing I love doing, which is cooking but also the things I could live without doing, like the laundry, the dishes or throwing the trash. Yes, I dont even take the trash out back home. Of course in the kitchen I did all of these things because it's part of the job description and I got paid for it, but when I get home, I'm the boss. Hell.

My house mates are all crap. My room mates are fine, the clean up. We all take turns cleaning the restroom without being told. We sweep the bathroom floor. We put a trashliner in the trash. But the rest of them outside my room, they're a bunch of crappy people who dont know how to live civilly. They have been so confined with their "probinsyana" attitude that they brought it all the way here. Can you believe that? I think they should go home. They dont belong here. I dont think they will ever belong here.

It's USO.

The one thing that I dont understand with Filipinos here that I am unfortunately forced to surround myself with is that they think it's alright to cheat on their husbands and wives.

A friend of mine actually said that it's "uso" to do that here. Well there is no doubt that it is indeed the trend here. Getting into relationships with people who is married back home, either both parties or at least one of the parties. Blech.

Isn't it disgusting? I mean just the thought of doing that to my Bubu is disgusting! I guess we dont share the same principles. But it being the trend here, I mean in the Filipino community I am subjected to tolerate, is the lamest excuse I have heard.

The only trend I like is fashion trend. That kind of trend is for people who didnt like Uggs boots. They dont have very good tastes.

What Theodorica Means...

What Theodorica Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

This is soooo me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Another Night Spent Staring at My Ceiling.

I've been thinking. And yes, I have been hurting myself thinking about this. I'm thinking about what to do with my life. I hate it when everything is so uncertain and I dont have a clear path to take where I absolutely know what will happen to me if I take it. I hate making choices. I wish someone could just tell me what to do, but I'm sure the rebel in me would hate that too.

It may seem like I am living "the life." Imagine a young (well, not really) person like me being able to travel and work and doing what she loves to do in the country she's always dreamed of going? Seems like paradise right? No. Right now I have a decision to make. A major one, and it's going to change my life, my plans and my future.

*some parts deleted due to security reasons.

I'm old!!!

I saw some pics...and then I realized I am old...

before (circa 2005) and after (circa 2008)

Botox, here I come?

My Prince = Forever.

There are times when I just want to look at your face
With the stars in the night
There are times when I just want to feel your embrace
In the cold night
I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be with forevermore

All those years I've longed to hold you in my arms
I've been dreaming of you
Every night I've been watching all the stars that fall down
Wishing you will be mine now
I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be with forevermore

Time and again there are these changes
That we cannot end
As sure as time keeps going on and on
My love for you will be forevermore

I just can't believe that you are mine now
You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world

As endless as forever
Our love will stay together
You are all I need to be with forevermore

As endless as forever(forever)
Our love will stay together(together)
You are all I need to be with forevermore

~~I listened to this song on the way home. One of the guys had a cd of it. I remembered how much I miss my Bubu.

Caught In A Web Of Energies!

I feel like a goddamn pingpong ball. Hit back in forth into positive and negative energy fields. I'm dizzy. Ulk.

No cannot be. I have to have only one energy field to move in. And thats positive. And should become some sort of a mantra.

No more hows. Just know you will get it.

Anxiety.

I'm anxious. My aunt just called me to tell me she already found an employer for me. Well, a prospective employer. Mixed emotions. I'm happy, at the same time, I'm scared. I dont know how to be in architecture anymore. I mean I was there for a while. Okay, who am I kidding for 6 years of my life. :) But since embracing cooking as a more realistic career for me. Not to mention my passion, I've quite buried the fact that I have a degree in Architecture. A degree that was filled with tears, disappointments, highs and dreams.

I dont want to let go of the life I have right now. Of what I am doing, of the dreams I have rebuilt. But this is the only way for me to be able to get the things I want. So I guess, this is it. I'm anxious. I dont know what its gonna be like again. But I know in some way I should be able to find an outlet. To be able to still become the person I want to be.

What I Love About My Life Right Now.

Francis. DUH (Kailangan pa bang imemorize yan?!)

Valley Metro - except when I get left by the bus. Happened to me this morning. The bus didnt wait long enough!

Scottsdale Fashion Square - Great mall! :)

See's Candies!

The independence I really have. I actually have a choice of taking or not my mom's phone calls! HAHA

The way I miss my dad.

My roomies, Ate Sandra and Ate Belen. 2140 is a bit more tolerable coz of them.

Sunday's off! - I get to go to church.

My boss!!! - He's the bestest and one of the cutest boss I've had. :)

Picking up some Spanish and Italian phrases. :)

Arizona Tidbits. Laughable.

I was just thinking about the funny things that has happened to me so far...

I was Ugly Betty for halloween. And it was soooo fitting.

I washed the dishes for the 3rd time using the dishwasher and I flooded up the kitchen. HAHA

Running to avoid the cold, which actually makes it colder.

Pushing the costco cart back to the apartment, with every intention of bringing it back, when I was going back down the cart was gone. Two days later I saw it in the trash bin.

Running after the bus.

Always getting stuck listening to homeless people. And getting begged at! Grah!

Sticking my hand in the pizza oven when its cold even in the kitchen.

Stopping and petting almost every dog I come across with.

Walking into Nordstroms with my hand carry luggage, that had wheels, I usually use as my purse in case I shopped and couldnt carry anymore bags. I looked like a hilly billy!

Defrosting a pack of pork and almost flooding my kitchen again! :) Blech!

The thought.

FRANCIS AND RICA ARE WEALTHY. VERY WEALTHY!

Nikon D300 here I cooooommmmmmmmmeee!!!! :)

Mini Cooper! Vrrooom!!!

Happy Valentines!

Well...this is my first Valentine's in a different country. Its not as overrated as the Philippines. Ulk. HAHA Sorry, I just never really celebrated Valentine's properly I guess. I always celebrated with my friends. Single girls, you know?

I am so irritated with Francis and his obsession with his stupid muscles. Swear. I hate muscles. The perfect body I've seen so far is Carlos'. It's lean enough, not too much muscles. I'm sure his girlfriend loves to snuggle up to him. Not to mention that he's muy gwapito. Francis used to be sexy. Now he's just one bulk of hard mass. Blech. Not so sexy at all, its even borderline gay.

Anyway, we had a good evening at the restaurant. I'm sure the servers made alot of money. I wonder how romantic the couples were. But they're old. So it may seem icky. They can be cute though. When they're not pain in the asses. HAHA

Little smiles of my day.

We were walking at Gateway Mall to the parking lot after dinner with my bestfriend. At the escalator you turned to me and hugged me and you said "Uuwi na tayo. Ayaw ko."

We were in Cafe Breton after the we watched the sunrise in Tagaytay and you said "Give me a kiss!"

The way you squeezed my hand to direct me where we are going.

You picked me up from work in TriNoMa and when you saw me you walked towards me, gave me a big hug and whispered to my ear "I miss you." Accompanied by a silly smile on your face.

The way you always carried that collage I made in your bag. Is it still there?

~~Just some of the things I was remembering today.

Ka-caw!

You will never hear it back home. A hawk or raven or crow ka-cawing. It's one of those surreal things here in Arizona.

Here birds actually circle above you. You can watch them fly, chirp and transfer from branch to branch.

In Desert Mountain, javelinas (wild pig), cayotes and deer prance about. People dont shoot them. Someone will have your ass if you do that.

Its nice. It's actually one of the things I like about here.

The Last.

This is my one last rant. Actually, I have not much to rant about. I have a good job, was fortunate enough to be able to come here. Although I miss my Bubu so much. Thats it. I miss him super duper duper duper miss!!!

Today, I will forget about the people who get into my nerves and laugh everthing off.

Today, I will focus on the positive things that are happening to me.

Today, I will believe in the abundance of the earth.

Today, I will have faith in God to lead me to the right direction. And back in my Bubu's arms.

Today, nothing others say can shake me, pull me down or annoy me.

Today, I am invincible.

Well...to them.

Alone.

Again. Its nothing new. I have been alone almost everyday here. I went to church and I just feel overwhelmed again. I asked for lot of things that I hope and pray (again) that He will give me.

It's so cold out. I started feeling sorry (again) for myself because I was shivering in the cold. I just started to tell myself "this is a sacrifice for worshiping God" it turned to some sort of mantra. And then it wasnt that cold anymore.

I miss my positivity. I am having a lot of problems getting it back.

The Joys And PAINS Of A (Fuckin') Long Distance Relationship.

Whoever said that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is seriously demented. He clearly wasnt in a long distance relationship. I doubt he was ever in one. He doesn't know the paranoia, the sleepless nights spent crying, the longing and missing. That person sucks. It doesn't help that my guy doesnt text me often rather just texts me when it's convenient for him to do so. Or worse, when he needs something from me.

But there are those times that's just so nice. He calls you and send you sweet messages (when he remembers). You feel good about everything. And it should be that way all the time because these are the things that really sustain the relationship. It's an endless rollercoaster ride of emotions. But it's never thrilling nor exciting but tiring for a weary heart.

I dont want to beg to be loved anymore. I've done that before, one time too many. I dont deserve to have to beg. I know I deserve to be loved in some way. Because I've loved with all that I am. I have given all that I can give.

I dont want to wait anymore. I'm just through with it. Phone calls, text messages, emails. I am waiting for nothing. I want to move on and not ever look back. Maybe those stupid promises dont mean anything. To make a girl wait is not right. Chivalry is dead. Everything is reversed. Girls go to their boyfriend's houses, we wait for them to pick us up, WE pick them up, buy them things. What happened? Have we become so desperate to keep them? It's our fault. We let them do this to us.

I dont want to think about him kissing another girl. Holding that girl's hand. I hate to think he's sleeping beside her. When it should be me he's doing all of those things with. I guess all of these choices are up to him.

I want some peace of mind. Stability. I want to know if this can work or not without anymore pain. I want to be asked how I am feeling, doing or if I was happy. I want a Valentine's card. I want to mean more than anything to him. I just want to be loved. Even if I am miles away and several hours late. I want to feel like I still belonged to him and that I never left. I want to move on from the confusion, the heartache and the uncertainty. It has to stop. My heart just can't take it anymore.

If he loved me he'd call me just to say he did, not when he wants something. If he loved me he'd have already sent those emails that he said he'd send, because he knew I have been waiting. If he really wanted to chat with me he'd wait everyday for me to come online If he loved me he'd send me messages every now and then to let me know I am remembered. And if he truly loved me, he would come here, to be with me.

Today, for the first time since I came here I sincerely prayed I could stay. I can't help but feel that there's truly nothing for me back home. Not anymore...

Waaaangggg, waaaaaannnggg!!!!

The had a party a couple of nights ago and the police ended up knocking on their door because they were too loud. It's a good thing I opted not to go to the party. I had a good reason why, I was too busy moping about Francis and our relationship. Who knew something like that can save my ass from trouble?!

Some party huh?!

I am looking forward to paying my credit card. No, not really but I have to!!! *grumble* I wonder if I have to pay for my own tickets to LA. I am charging to my account. I have to ask my aunt about that. Because I cant really afford it. I have to send money to my mom. Her birthday is coming up.

I went to church today. Yes, an actual catholic church. Felt good. It's probably the reason of all my anxeity problems. I havent been going to church. I promise to go every Sunday from now on.
I bought myself a new wallet (again!). It's $45.00 plus tax but when I was paying for it the cashier gave me a 50% discount because there was no tag on it. I literally jumped for joy. And she laughed at my excitement. HAHAHA Will take pictures of my much loved wallet.

So now, I'm broke I had $10 in wallet this morning and took 2 out for fare and 1 out for donuts! HAHAHA But I get paid this week. And I am mucho dinero baby! Well, sort of.

Come è a tutti?

As for me? Molto bene! (Some stuff I'm learning from the crazy Italian cook, Silvio!)

Véale pronto!

RAAAAANT!

First off I hate Francis for breaking promises left and right. It's not right. I mean if he cant keep all these little promises he's breaking, what about the promise to love me till he breathe his last breath? DUH.

Second, I hate the Filipino guys here who think they're all that. And insists on wanting to be with you even if you tell them you already have someone, and even if they themselves are already married. They cant fuckin' respect their wives and the families they left behind.

Third, Manel. She knows why.

Fourth, mga putanginang babaeng add ng add kay Francis sa friendster.

Fifth, $8.12 na withholding tax? How much will I be owning the state? Bleeeeurghh!!!!

Rave:
Porcini rubbed Filet Mignon which will go with my broccoli perfectly! Woot!

Things I WANT To Buy BUT Cant Afford YET.

Cameras:
Nikon D80
Nikon D300
Nikon Coolpix P5100
Sony DSC-H9/B
And a pink camera that lets me isolate colors. HEHE Dont know which one yet.

Laptops:
HP dv6700t customized
Fujitsu N6460
Fujitsu T2010 tablet
Toshiba Qosmio 6455
Dell XPS M1330
Dell Inspiron 1420 Pink
Mac BookPro
Mac Pro
--Just because everyone wants one! HAHA

Cars:
Honda Accord Coupe
Honda Pilot
Mazda Hatchback
Mazda RX-8
Isuzu Ascender
Nissan 350z roadster
BMW X-5
BMW X-3 - for the days I like to feel small. HEHE
Mini Cooper - Pink! Weee! I like this because Francis likes small cars but I'm not sure he will want to drive a pink mini. HEHE


Sony 4.0 MP handycam
Samsung SGH z240
iPod Touch
iPod Classic 60GB
Kitchen Aide with ice cream maker attachment

Because Francis told me to think of nice things! Arent they nice? SWEEEET!!!!

New Year In The Van.

Guess where I spent the turn of another year? Yes, in a van. I was going home from work. I am tired. I can feel my back, my hands and my legs ache. More over, I feel weak from the loneliness that I feel. The emptiness that sets in whenever I think about home.

I think sometimes he is starting to forget me. The phone calls have become less, the text messages have also become less. I think in a way he's coping very well with my absence. I do not wish to think about things having to be this way. I do not wish to attract the negative energy and bring it into our relationship. But everyone knows that all love stories are somehow painful.

Sometimes I'd think about letting go because its the easiest way for both of us, but I love him very much, and just the thought of losing him is already enough to reduce me to tears. I do not want to lose the "us". I want "us" to work. In some parallel universe maybe we are together.

New Year.

Everything is new for me this year. New people, new place, new job, new boss, new area code, new country. Time went by so fast this year. I almost didn't feel it. ALMOST.

I started out the year crying, remember popo? And I will end it still in tears. What's not new is the familliar pang of pain in my haert each time I think of home.

Merry merry me!!!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone's had a good christmas. I had a lot of fun! Check ou the pictures at my multiply site! It's just off of my links. Anyhow, I went home earlier than expected though because my feet were killing me and so was my back. Argh! I had a couple of drinks by my lonesome. It was fun. And before you say anything about how fun it is to drink alone then read ahead.

"What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be."

- Ellen Burstyn

My drunk last night room mate barged in this morning to wake us up. She didnt sleep in our room, I think she was too drunk to find her way back. HAHA She was inviting us to wade in the hot tub. I told her it was way too cold and even if the tub was hot getting out would be fuckin' agony. HAHA But we still made our way to the pool area and found that it was locked! Ha! So we ran back home because in our bathing suits it was freakin cold out.

We ate lunch at the place were we did the party because there was so much left over! HAHA Anyhow so that was it. I called my parents and my uncle. Francis called me to greet. And now were back here playing uno! I'm going to another party later! See yah!

Helloooo!!!

Are any of my friends still reading this stupid thing? I feel like ranting today. I did something I shouldnt have done. I checked his friendster account. Yep, I told myself i wouldnt do it anymore. Did you know what it said in his status? It's complicated! Now suddenly our status was complicated. BULLSHIT. And you know what doesnt help? Me, being so fucking far away.

Bakit ganun? Why did he bother if he will only hurt me? I told him so many times what Donald did to me. How I caught the dude cheating on me through friendster. Bakit subjected na naman ako sa pain na ganito? Halos maglumuhod na ako pleading for him not to pull something like Donald. My pleas has fallen on deaf ears. What the fuck is wrong with you man?

I am so mad at myself. I love a guy who doesnt have a heart.

Brrrr!!!! Cold Christmas!!!

Well...it is! For the first time in my life it is really cold. We're a couple degrees short of a white christmas. Thank God! We'll so far it's been very lonely. I miss my friends. My Bubu. It should've been our first Christmas together. I got a lot of presents for him. But he's not opening them on Christamas day. And I, I will be with my roommates on Christmas Eve along with other Filipinos all of whom are spending this family time away from their families. Blech!

Sucks to be meeee!!!

Deperate Kingdom Of...

Ooops...desperate lang pala...

I am so bored and lonely here.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

...

I am so fuckin' lonely here.

As in I can't help but cry every night.

I can feel my soul wasting away...

HELLOOOOO LOS ANGELES!!!!!!!!!!

I am here in LA for a couple of days. I am on my day off and decided to fly out here to visit my aunt and uncle. I went to Venice Beach! It's a haven for artists and weirdos. HAHA There's this stall which had an experiment on the medicinal affects of marijuana. And one guy who was shouting will work for marijuana. Some stalls had interesting trinkets for sale plus some artwork. My uncle bought a salt and pepper shaker the were in a hug. There's a guy who was roller blading around in a turban and a guitar. And a guy who stood there naked for money. HAHA It was hilarious.

It is very cold here! And I am close to freezing all the time. My heart wants to chill out of my chest! LA has been fun. Plus my aunt gave me a lot of things which I dunno how I will bring back to Arizona given the fact that I didn't have any luggage with me. Oh well. I wish I had a laptop though so I can talk to Francis more because I always miss him.

So there. Next time maybe I will have more money I can actually shop!

I apologize...

To my friends who havent heard from me since I got here. I am sorry. But you can come check out my blog from time to time to read up on my life here. It's just I get tamad to write.

So far things have been well, except that my room mates dont like me, why? And I had been the perfect room mate during day one. After I learned that they didn't like me I ceased to be one. And I just go about my business not bothering with them anymore.

You know how it is that when you're back home you're so burara and since you're now on your own, you've taken to taking care of your things and yourself. So I like my, or should I say apartment clean? So what? And how I told them not to use the dryer until after they get the lint of it because it can burn the house down...not only our apartment but the rest of the complex? What is freakin' wrong with that?

Anyway, I wish my room mates were Kevin and Manel. I'm sure I'd be having a blast. Or I wish I was with Francis. I'm sure I'd be better off. *sigh*

...

Nov 9, 2007

My Prince,

Yes, it's been a while since I wrote you anything. I miss you terribly. I am so far away from you. I feel so lost. I feel I am losing "us". I feel I am losing you, again.

It's been a month since we had our union. Did you remember? I must confess, I almost forgot. For which I am heatfully sorry.

Work is fun. I am with some poeple, who like myself studied in Culinary school. My colleagues have been nice to me. Everyone you meet along the way, may it be a corridor or a sidewalk, smiles or greets you. But nothing beats the feeling I get when I see your smile as you're approaching me. Or as we drive to our favorite place. Nothing can replace being with you. No matter how foul you mood is or even when we are fighting.

I miss swining by your house or office to get a hug at the end of a very tiring day. Tonight, like every other night since I came here, may it be tiring or boring, when I go home all I will get is a snuff in the face (by my room mates who are bitching on me) and the chilly air in my almost empty apartment. There are nights, while waiting for the vanpool to pick me up, when I would look up the clear night sky and see the beautiful moon upon me. And it makes me sad, when I start to realize that we are no longer staring at the same moon.

No more warm hugs which I feel so at home in. No more soft butterfuly kisses on my lips, neck and hands. I miss you. If missing someone could kill, I'd be dead the day i stepped into the airport.

It's so much different then, when I used to write letters for no one. I knew I loved you even if you weren't around. But now, it's so hard not to long for you. The pain is suffocating. My life is again a cosmic joke. After the anticipation of meeting yoou when I finally did, I had to say goodbye. It's almost bittersweet. Even with the promise of beiing with each other again it's so hard not to feel lonely at times.

I think about you countless times. Almost every waking moment of my days,. I thought about you, about us. Will I ever see you again? Will the feelings be the same? How would it feel to be with you again. Will I kiss you first and then hug you? Or vice versa?

I'm afraid we might start to forget what it's like to be together. Though I cannot forget about you. I'd sometimes fall to my knees and start crying out for you. I wish everytime you'd ome and take me into your loving arms., where I am alays safe and wanted. But it cannot happen, not yet. Not for a very long times.

I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice calling out my name. Or the tender way you squeeze my hands. I even miss the annoying way you'd "command" me to kiss you.

I love you. The distance doesnt change how I feel about you. And I will hold on until I see you again. When we're finally one again. Until then my heart will remain broken, because it just ain't the same without you.

=/