9 Reasons People Cheat

by Rich Santos, Marie Claire, on Mon Mar 16, 2009 8:05am PDT

Maybe I'm not very attractive, so my options are limited. Maybe I'm too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I'm too afraid that I've reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.

Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them.

I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.

I told her she wasn't being fair to herself, me, or him.

Finally, she said, "you just don't understand, there are things you don't know." Thing is she's been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.

So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:

1. Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.

2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.

3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.

4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.

(Yes, I am guilty of "letting. HAHA)

5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.

6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.

(Guilty! HAHA)

7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.

(For people who feel inferior? Or insecure?)

8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, andcreating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.

9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.

I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a committed relationship, does that make you a cheater?

----
Could this be an explanation? HAHA

Awesome. (Random)

...that you choose to stay each time I ask you to go
.......that I pushed you away
..........that I hurt you
............sorry

...that you welcome me into your loving arms
......each and everytime
.........no matter what I did
............no matter what I said
...............no matter how hard I resisted

...that in the end all that we want is us
......to be together
.........to make each other happy
............to take care of each other

...it's blessing to have you in my life
......to love me and to love
.........to take care of me and to take care of
............to share my life with

We only have 10 more months to go, baby. And I cannot wait!

5th Moon!!!

Wow. It's been 5 months! And even if there were times when it was hard, I can still say that I am still smitten. Still very much in love. Still very happy!

And I cannot wait to start my life with him...soon. Real soon!

I love you so much, Christian Rey Guilles!

Brain Farts.

I should get confirmed real soon.

I wonder who will take care of our babies (when we are blessed with one) when we're both working.

I want to earn $1,000,000 in the next five years and put it in a CD.

Hmmfft.

Qualities Of My Prince.

--Because my friend, April pesters me, how I knew the Prince to be My Prince. HAHA I got this at some relationship quiz a while ago.

MUST HAVES:

INTELLECT (Bright and can share my understanding of the worls as well as enjoy discussing important issues.)

FAMILY LIFE (Commited to marriage, home and family.)

EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY (Able to have a stable life with someone else.)

FAMILY (Shares my desire to have or adopt children.)

PERSONAL HABITS (Maintains high standards of personal hygiene and other personal habits.)

PASSIONATE (Willing to explore our sexual *grins* desires with passion and understanding.)

COMMUNICATOR (Good at talking and listening. *I got more than what I asked for.*)

STRONG CHARACTER (Honest and strong enough to do the right thing.)

CHEMISTRY (Feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.)

AMBITION (Shares my desire to achieve high financial and/or career goals.)

CANT STANDS:

LYING (Someone who lies to anyone.)

CHEAP (Tightfisted as to be impractical.)

CHEATING (Takes advantage of people. *wink*)

UNDEPENDABLE (Fails to come through and unreliable.)

SELF-CENTERED (Main topic is himself. *I know someone.*)

INFIDELITY (Engages on sex outside a committed relationship.)

DENIAL (Unable to accept blame or see fault in their actions. *Guess who?!!*)

HYPOCRITES (Holds double standards. *Err...sorry*)

VANITY (Overly interested in their physical appearance. *If he takes longer to get out of the restroom more than you. Take hair loss pills, or buys Olay Total Effect, then I suggest you think long and hard about him. HAHA*)

FLIRTS (Constantly flirts with the opposite sex.)

--There you have it, April. Unfortunately I cannot find the quiz again. I would've wanted you to take it. HAHA

Amusement Break.

So, this girl messaged me the other day because she's going out again (because she was once one of "the other girls") with my ex. She just wanted to ask me if I thought he was gay.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (Nakakatawa kayo!!! Super!)

On a more serious note, I think you people should leave me alone. :P

The greatest feeling in the world that I get is knowing that I have made my loved one happy.

And knowing how much the efforts had been appreciated.

I love you, Christian Rey Guilles! :)

I just realized that I am the same lover. It's just different intensity of feelings or how passionate I am about my partner. But I still do the same things, maybe more.

And also, I am still the same brat. Over and over and over again. Good thing my fiance is as patient as a mango tree. HAHA.

(I love you so much, Christian Rey Guilles!)

:)

If I Were A Boy/Girl

So I was listening to this song this morning and it was only this morning that I really listened to the R. Kelly part.

If you were a boy
then girl you'd understand
you need to stop listening to your friends
love, respect and trust your man

So I go to clubs with the guys and sometimes flirt with the girls
I should be able to roll out
as long as Im coming home to you
and give you the world

But you are not a boy,
so you dont have a clue (ey)
How I work and pay the bills
girl everything I do is for you

***YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! HAHA Any guy who agrees to this doesn't deserve a decent woman. Tsk.

So anyway...the next song was...

"Hate That I Love You"
(feat. Ne-Yo)

[Rihanna:]
As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

[Ne-Yo:]
Yeaahhh... Oohh...

[Rihanna:]
As much I love you (as much as I need you)
As much as I need you (oooh..)
As much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so...

***And I just realized that this is exactly how Rey makes me feel. HAHA But, I love him and that's that.

Separation anxiety is a psychological condition in which an individual has excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (like a father and mother).

Background:
Present in all age groups, adult separation anxiety disorder (affecting roughly 7% of adults) is more common than childhood separation anxiety disorder (affecting approximately 4% of children). Separation anxiety disorder is often characterized by some of the following symptoms:
- Recurring distress when separated from the subject of attachment (such as significant other, the father or the mother, or home)
- Persistent, excessive worrying about losing the subject of attachment
- Persistent, excessive worrying that some event will lead to separation from a major attachment
- Excessive fear about being alone without subject of attachment
- Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure, like a significant other or mother
- Recurrent nightmares about separation.

Enough.

"What you have is enough. What you can do is enough.

Right now you have enough time, energy, knowledge, skills and resources to point your life in any direction. Once you begin the journey, as you need more, you'll find ways to bring it about.

It's silly to wish for more when you could instead be making full use of what you have. Put your energy into creating the life you choose to live.

Allow your inner self to be exactly where you would most like to be. And the rest of you will soon be there too.

An endless abundance is yours if you simply choose to accept it. Fully accept what already is, and suddenly you have it all.

Instead of wishing for more, bring to life the very best of the dreams that are already yours. Know that you already are enough, and discover just how magnificent it is." - Ralph Marston

"One day someone will walk into your life and you will realize why it never worked out with anyone else." - Unknown

"Minahal ko sha (friend referring to ex) pero one day I will meet the person who will show me what real love is. Na hindi pa pala love yun (referring to ex.)" - Friend

Have you ever told anyone that you loved them with all your heart? I have. Have you ever told anyone that you've never felt so strongly for anyone but them? I have. How come when I met him everything changed? It felt like I was rediscovering what it meant to love someone? To feel for someone? It felt like, all those other times didn't matter. All that mattered is this, what I have now. If that's the case does it mean that you didn't really love the previous ones? Does it mean you lied?

Why am I asking all of this? ...because I never wanna say those words again to anyone else.

I want what I have now. I've never been happier. Like what he always says...I am happy. I am content. I am satisfied. I am in love. I am loved.

Pre V-Day Drama.

I'm slowly getting engulfed in some melancholic cloud, brought about by some reasons I am not yet aware of...but I have several guesses:

1. Valentine's Day is coming up. And we're thousands of miles apart.
2. PMS. Although it's too early.
3. I miss him.
4. Low sugar intake. HAHA
5. I just need a time-out. Some time alone.
6. I just realized what a bad friend I've been.
7. Looking for a dress I can't seem to find at the price I wanna buy it for. HAHA
8. Gaining weight.
9. Stressed out.
10. I want to go abroad again. I'm sick of Pinas. (Sorry peeps. If my baby ain't here, then I should'nt be here either.)

HAHAHAHAHA. Random

Hindi naman mashado obvious that you guys are reading MY blog. HAHA It's alright. I don't really care much. It's just amusing.

So, moving on. I finally got my teddy back. Thanks to my ex's mom. It's nice how we've remained friends thru all the mess. Then again, I am also friends with my other ex's mom. And I made quite a good rapport with my fiance's mom, so I guess that concludes I'm quite good with moms. HAHA

Restaurant is going to be running soon, we're so busy preparing everything. I'm excited! :)

I'm missing my besty, Tonet. Some other friends like Ella, Gelo (he still owes me photo sessions), and starting to miss my girls.

I have a new project. To chronicle my life on still pictures. I just think I should have at least one photo of me each month. Oh well. Like I have the time.

Browsing my folder of Bubu's stuff. Our stuff. I should really start putting some things down for the wedding. I have the dress design I want, the entourage needs more tweaking (got a lot to do with his side though), need to get confirmed. Blah blah.

Need to continue losing weight. HEHE The no starch diet is not working out because of company meals, but I'll do something about it soon.

I need to go to Nickoy's (yes, I am perfectly aware of the conditions imposed), to copy songs off of her pc and see the baby.

I miss my beautiful niece!!! I posted a picture of her on my multiply site. I want my own little Rey...Reys. HEHE

Getting more sleep but really missing my Bubu. He's coming back soon though! :D

Fourth month is coming up. It's really near V-Day, super baduy. HAHA

I want to make yema, probably tomorrow. Yema tarts! Damn, I forgot to print out my research on yema at work. Grrr. Oh but I have a visitor tomorrow so, scratch that.

I want an iPhone!!! *please give*

Tired. Zzzzz.

My Wildest Laugh Of The Day.

My Bubu will be pissed at me if he found out but I was just testing if my article will appear on google. It didn't. But I found something else that made me laugh so hard, I made the whole office read it. HAHA

Pathetic.

The Absence Of You.

I thought by now we'd be way past the stage of always wanting to be with each other. Afterall it's been three months. Two and a half of them we were apart. We lost a little bit of the time we used to spend talking on the phone when I started working and we got used to it somehow. We're not talking alot right now. He went to Arizona on business. Gosh, I wish I was there!

I miss him. This page wouldn't be enough to describe the pain in my heart that misses him so badly.

Very Special Love.

No, it's not the songs lyrics anymore. I'm 26. I'm turning 27 this year. And I'm in love with the most wonderful guy. The thing that is most amazing is that now, I am actually sure that I am ready to settle down with him. I am sure that I will spend the next years of my life well with him at my side.

The last 8 years of shuttling from dating and some relationships have shown me the way to a place I can call my own. Beside him. It's like there's no other place to be but there. Admist the fears in my heart. The anxiety the distance brings me, his soothing voice admist the inner storm calms me down.

I cannot wait to see him again. It's been 3 months of constant phone calls, of a barrage of text messages, multiple instant messaging accounts to just keep in touch - in any other case I would've felt too tied down. But I don't.

It's amazing how at the strike of 8 or 9 PM at the latest I would be headed home so I can call him at 10 or 11 PM. No matter how great the party I am at would seem. No matter how long I haven't seen my friends. It's amazing that it is my own choice to do this. Not something he had to ask of me.

It's amazing that even when I am not in the best of moods and didn't want to talk to him I still will. Usually no one can make me. The funniest part is how much I would miss him when I'm in my better mood.

There are plenty of things that are amazing about US, that we notice everyday we spend "together". All of those are a plus at how things are just falling into place. The only thing that is left is to be together. Which will be soon.

Stupid.

Sometimes, it sucks to be me.

I want to sleep.

Sleep.

Zzzz.

Zzzz.

A Survey Recap.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
- Went to Disney.
- Hopped on a train.
- Sat at the bar alone...in New York nonetheless.
- Got a laptop, camera and iPod for myself.
- Went to a rave party...which wasn't that much.
- Went completely numb.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Kind of. I tried. My resolution was to go to church every sunday and I did try but I was better when I was in MA.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No not really. She wasn't that close to me.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No not really.

5. What countries did you visit?
US

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
- Better self image.
- Self-confidence.
- A Savings account.
- More discipline to be able to lose weight.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Oct 23, 2008. HEHE

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting hired as Sous Chef! (Guess what I got my dream job! All on my own! HAHA)

9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing to recognize a person's true intentions.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Sort of yeah.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Nikon D90 and my laptop!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Christian Rey Guilles'. HEHE. :) Loooove him.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Francesco Ongkiko

14. Where did most of your money go?
Some bastard.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
- Disney! (HAHA)
- Seeing my Bubu almost everyday.
- My job now.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Take A Bow - Rihanna
Leavin' - Jesse McCartney
Single - NKOTB

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- Happier or Sadder? Definitely happier!
- Richer or Poorer? Poorer. HAHA
- Thinner or Fatter? Thinner...but gaining weight. AGHH!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Fixing my papers so I didn't have to go home.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Listening to the bastard. HAHA

20. How did you spend the holidays?
On the phone with my Bubu.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
OH YES!

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Gossip Girl, The Hills.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Well, hate is such a strong word. Let's just say I don't really give a damn.

25. What was the best book you read?
Twilight, 5 People You Meet In Heaven, Alchemist (because I re-read it! HAHA)

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
I didn't watch a lot of films. Sex And The City, which I saw over the internet.

27. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
More grown-up and fab! HAHA

28. Whom did you miss?
I missed Rey the most.

29. Who was the best new person you met?
Hands down, my fiance, Christian Rey Guilles!

30. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
God listens. He doesn't always give us what we want but instead gives us what we need the most.

Things To Look Forward To In 2009.

There are a few of things I am looking forward to in 2009. And I must say that I am anxiously excited for the year to come! :D

- The opening of La Cuisine Francaise branch!

- Setting up the business with my fiance.

- Spending some real "together" time with my fiance.

- Getting more into my art. No matter how busy I got. HAHA *crosses fingers*

- Our plans. HEHE Don't want to say too much here. HEHE

So there, here are some of the things that's on top of my head! :D I can't wait!

2008 Was Great Afterall.

Well, this has been a year of wonderful suprises! And even with all the tears I shed, I am ending the year with one big smile on my face. And I guess you know who, why and what the reason is. HAHA. So in review...

Christmas Eve.

So uneventful. I think I should've stayed at work a bit longer. But I really wanted to talk to my fiance. We haven't been talking as much since I started to work. And if this goes as planned then our whole set up will change too. We'll have less time to spend on the phone.

I wanted to ask him not to drive later (his time). I wont be working tomorrow (my time) so I have that "old" time in the morning after his work. Well I actually tried to ask already but he seemed to really wanna get out and drive around. Usually when he wants to spend time with me, it's like a no-brainer, I come first. But oh well. I will be with my future boss on the 26th (my time) and I don't know what time I will be going home.

I just wanted to spend time with him while I still can...

Pissed.

My morning or should I say noon started out way off. I don't know if it still has anything to do with my disappointing nightcap. I was so happy yesterday, I was practically bouncing off the walls. Argh. I have no idea what the fuck I am doing here.

I miss LA. I miss pastrami subs and minestrone from Giamela's nights. I miss hanging out at BOFA. I miss getting surprise 5 minute-ers from my boyfriend, now fiance. I miss wheat bagels with low fat cream cheese. I miss quarterback crunch at Baskin'. I miss Nordstroms and Costco. I miss papap sessions with Beenie and Keeta. I miss Atwater Village farmer's market after church and eating pupusas after buying apple pie. I miss Fr. Harrigan!!! I miss Angeles Crest. I want another hotdog from Pinks. I miss Target. I miss Nauset Beach. I miss Skaket Beach. I miss sitting on my favorite bench at the Window to the Cove Park. I actually miss biking back to Jackie's house. I miss online shopping at Amazon.

Most importantly, I miss him. We're slowly getting used to the distance, I think. I hate this feeling. I'm slowly adjusting to the life back here. Slowly getting used to being alone. Slowly getting used to not having anyone at my side, again. I know it's absurd, what we had together was short. It wasn't enough to even be thinking about the things that I have been thinking about. But I don't know, I couldn't just shake it off. It's like I ate something that left a bad taste in my mouth.

Ugh. I seriously need to get a brand new perspective on some things. I need to go to my secret place!

grainy views
unclear lines
cracked voices
dead reception

quiet longing
silent whispers
I LOVE YOU.
distance embraced

come to me
i need you now
yearning for your smile
I MISS YOU.

miles stretched
across mountains and seas
close the gap
and never let go.

Family Ties.

My fiance hung out with my fave aunt. Wait, what am I talking about she's my only aunt! I'm soooo happy that he hung out with her. Even if it took him forever to get home. My aunt's always been fun and she has fun friends.

Its's fun to know he's slowly inching his way into my family. Although, I'm not really making an effort to inch into his. Ack. But I really should start. But I'm kinda shy to do it. I feel like such an outsider. Argh. I just have this feeling that his family might snub me or something. His mom is great though. And his dad. His mom is also a UST Alumni, she told me so when we talked. But I also heard her when she's mad. She called his ex, desperate. I don't blame her though, I would too if I woke up in the dead of the night because of a phone call.

But I am really excited because my family's never really liked anyone I dated before. I hope they can meet him soon! I'm sure they'll understand why I love him. I cannot be any happier right now.

What's New?

Gosh, it's almost a turn of another year! 2009. I have a year and one month before I get married. (We have an actual date already! And I already have everything else put down, it's just a matter of organizing. ;P) HAHA I have soooo many things to do! First on my list is, get my Chef job. Ayiyiyiyiyiiii!!! HAHA Should I go corporate? HAHA. So many choices! I cannot believe how they are all under my impatient nose right now!

So, many things have happened. People have come and gone. Feelings have climaxed and then died down. I have some rather new people in my life which company's I'm enjoying. I "recalled" an old friend. I went away from home for a whole year and got to feel "independence". And then I came home. Blech. And now I am back here living with my parents. Double blech. I WANT MY OWN PLACE!!! Aaaaghhh!

(From my besty -- when I told her I'm getting married: "Nako, you're always getting married! Maniniwala lang ako pag na-plan na lahat!") I just had to put this here. She's hilarious!

So there, I am looking forward to several job interviews! I am sooo excited! Also, I have a new niece!!! I am also excited about her! My nephews are now 3 years old!? Can you believe it? HAHA So I am the last DV kid to have a kid of my own. Hargh!

I wonder what 2009 has in store for me!!! I am sooo excited!

Year Ender.

Whoa. In 1999, I thought I had the funnest party ever, after attending my besty's 18th birthday! NOT! We've had a few more fun party's -- Magic 89.9 chatroom's christmas party, Antonette's surprise party, our barkada's Christmas party (I miss black cuz and kuya rod!), a couple more barkada Christmas parties - each year seeing new faces, some have moved on -- nonetheless we still had fun, Jenny's despidia, and last tuesday's surprise party for Clem and also Lilystar's Christmas party!

We missed a few old friends, as usual, some have "moved on". While some just moved away. There were some that I only met that day. There were some I've known for a few years. But I must say even if I spent a good hour or two on the internet with my boyfriend, I HAD FUN!!!!!!

I think the only thing that tops this is when I celebrated my birthday at Disney. HEHE I wonder how we'll be celebrating the New Year?!

B-Side.

A part of me I never knew. Last night I was reading his blog archives. You see, I am trying to find answers to the endless questions in my head. To bring peace to my heart and the inner monologues. The whispers, the hushes, the silent screams...are deafening. But I was also reading MY own archives. Trying to re-learn old lessons that I might've forgotten.

I realized as I was doing this, as I clicked on another page of older posts of his blog, that I am jealous. Jealous of people from his past that I didn't know. I wasn't even in his life then. I had no right to be. But still, I can't help that growing gnaw in my heart...until I came to his first post.

I have never been like this. Yes, I have always been curious of a loved one's past. For the simple reason that I want to understand him better. Or maybe give me a head's up. But to be jealous of it. To be envious that I wasn't that person that he referred to then...never. I was never that kind of a person. Until last night.

I need to look for the real me. I hope she hasn't gotten that far.

New Year's Resolutions And Thank Yous For The Year.

It's that time of the year! Since it's December, I deem it necessary to write some things down. So to start off, my new year's resolution for next year.

1. Lose/Maintain my weight.
2. Make myself more productive.
3. Simplify my life.
4. Church on Sundays.
5. Confession when necessary.

----------
And for Thank You's:

My family, for never failing to be there.

My friends (I don't need to name drop), I know at some point we didn't talk much the past year. The year was rough for me, and I am eternally grateful for the time that you took to talk to me whenever I needed someone.

To you, R! Thank you for everythng. For letting me have the best time of my life during the rest of my stay. For loving me. For nursing me back from the shit I was in. I love you. And I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you, hopefully.

To my bosses - you've been great thanks for taking the chance on me.

To my roommates, Ate Sandra and Ate Belen. Meanies, always! :) Miss you.

----------
And the highlights of my year:

Found a great guy to love! (Il mio amore più grande!)

Had great oppurtunities!

Went to loads of places! Los Angeles, CA (Finally went to DISNEYLAND!!!) - Las Vegas, NV - Sedona, AZ - Flagstaff, AZ (Grand Canyon!!! Super experience!) - Phoenix, AZ - New York, NY - Orleans, MA - Hyannis, MA - Nantucket, MA (Loooove this place!) - Chatham, MA - Boston, MA

Gambled in Vegas.

Walked on The Strip, tipsy!

Flirted with someone at the bar. (Well I knew him a little bit...HAHA)

Travelled alone.

Embraced being alone.

Shopped till I drop.

Got a Nikon D90!!!

Very Special Love

By Lani Misalucha

I never believed in love
I was deceived by love
I never had much luck with lovers before

And I couldn't compete
I seemed just part of the street
To be walked on by everyone but then

Then, I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

You're not like the rest
I know you're one of the best
You give more than you should and take nothing in return

Stay always with me
And I always will be
The one person that you can count on always to love you

And I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

And I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

(repeat and fade out)

----------------
I'm in love. HEHE

Great guy...so far. *peace*

I'm in love. HEHE

I'm so so so so so so in love. HIHI

I'm giggling! HAHA

I just woke up today and I realized that I love him more everyday.

I cannot wait till I'm with him again.

I'm soooo excited!

I miss him terribly.

I will be with him again and we will be happy!

Another Used To Be...

By Joe

[Verse 1]
I brought you here
so that i can express the things i've been thinkin bout
give me your ear
Cuz i don't normally do this so bear with me through this.
there are so many things
that i want to say
but let me start by saying this saying i thank you.
darling just because

[Chorus]
I used to love someone that i didn't like
we used to want to break up every other night
i used to think realationships were a lot of stress
i used to think that pain was a part of Happiness
now all that's changed since you've come my way,
but i don't want us to become
Another used to be.

[Verse 2]
I hope what i'm saying
don't discourage you in any kind of way
cuz i do believe that
you have The potential to be everything i need
i hope that you can really understand
that i would hate To be with someone new,
and tell them what i'm telling you.

[Chorus]


[Verse 3]
Cuz it would only be
another waste of time
and all the moment to be raised i would bout my Mind
another memory a part of history.
I cant forget cuz it keeps haunting me.
Now that your Here is evidently clear,
but i don't ever have to have this worry again again. ooohhhooooooo.

[Chorus x3]

---------
...And I don't want us to become...another used to be...

Forever remember?

I Want US, I Want YOU.

I want US to be invincible.
- The kind of love that says "No matter what..." The kind of bond that is unsinkable.


I want US to protect each other.
- But how? There are things that's beyond our control.


I want US to be happy.
- Even if we are far apart and we miss each other, I hope that we can be happy and content knowing that we are both working hard to be together again.


I want US to fall in love with each other over and over again.
- So the romance doesn't end, and that there is always room for love and forgiveness.

I want US to be forever...and ever...and ever.
- No happy endings, just happy forever...

Can't Face The Tides.

It's probably like seeing a ghost. I didn't see you but my mom did. We could only laugh at the realization that you (still) weren't man enough to face us. Or maybe you would never get the courage to. Of course knowing the things you did. A guilty soul. I feel bad for you in a way.

Don't worry, I still have some left over faith in you that you will change. People change. I did. And so will you. But I hope you get better, not sloppier. Face the music, my dear. Be man enough to stand up for the things you did, because even if you knew it was wrong to do them you still chose to do them.

Again, consequences. :)

100 Things I Want To Do Before I Die. (Update)

I was going to list it according to priority but it was just freakin' too hard! So it's random!

1. Have my own family.

2. Meet the pope.

3. Build and sponsor a church.

4. Open my own foundation that will help children and old people.

5. Get married at Chapel on the Hill, and then have my reception at Antonio's.

6. Learn to scuba dive.

7. Open my own restaurant and get a Michelin star!

8. Travel around the Philippines.

9. Send a child to school, other than my own.

10. Become an Executive Chef.

11. Train under a Michelin starred chef.

12. Meet Lea Salonga.

13. Send my parents on a nice vacation abroad.

14. Study another language.

15. Backpack in Europe.

16. Travel entirely by train. Amtrak here I come!!! HAHA

17. Go on a cruise. Caribbean, Mediterranean, Asian, all of em cruises!

18. Retire somewhere where there's sand and sea! Anvaya Cove and Hamilo?

19. Go to Boracay because everyone's been there except me!

20. Ride a rollercoaster.

21. Go on a memorable date. As in a melt your heart type of date, the kind you only see on movies.

22. Make out with a Greek hunk! HEHE

23. Fly first class!

24. Parasail!

25. Ride a hot air balloon.

26. Sing solo for a crowd.

27. Buy one of each : Porsche, BMW, Mercedes and an Audi.

28. Prepare gourmet food for the homeless.

29. Take the board exams.

30. Sit in front of a fireplace and cuddle with my boyfriend.

31. Teach. Although I'm not sure how I'm going to do it.

32. Contribute something to the culinary world.

33. Go to Egypt, Greece, Rome and be awed by their architectural history.

34. Vacation or have my honeymoon at Bora-bora.

35. Shop till I drop.

36. Buy a Nikon D80.

37. Make love with my hubby in a public place without getting caught. HAHA

38. Study photography.

39. Have an exhibit of my works.

40. Mentor an apprentice.

41. Watch a meteor shower.

42. Go out flying with my uncle.

43. Treat my dad on a date.

44. Sail with my uncle.

45. Hike up a mountain summit.

46. To be able to say that I loved someone greatly.

47. Learn yoga.

48. Become skinny! Fit into size 6, non stretch jeans.

49. Be the woman behind a sucessful man.

50. Travel alone.

51. Learn kabbalah.

52. Write a culinary/recipe book.

53. Build my own house, build not buy.

54. Compose my own picture book.

55. Buy all the kitchen utensil and equipment a culinary freak can need!

56. Participate in a nude photography session.

57. Eat at a michelin starred restaurant! (Fernando Pointe's and Bernard Loiseu's among them)

58. Go to Paris with my boyfriend/husband.

59. Dance in the rain.

60. Be totally disconnected for a whole day. No mobile phones or internet.

61. Teach History of Architecture.

62. Adopt two dogs every 3 years.

63. Learn to play a musical instrument.

64. Kiss Brian Littrell! HAHAHA

65. Own a starbucks and coffee bean and tea leaf branch!

66. Watch a "live show".

67. Buy my own theatre, think MTV Cribs home theatre.

68. Learn to play tennis.

69. Go on a Luzon roadtrip! Because it's the easiest island for a roadtrip!

70. Swim with the butandings.

71. Pet a dolphin.

72. Cook for royalty.

73. Make sure my family will never have to eat in a fast food.

73. Go to a nude beach.

74. Treat my mom and my dad to a shopping spree.

75. Treat my mom to a cosmetic surgery, she's always talking about getting a facelift.

76. Watch a space craft launch.

77. Go to Disneyland!

78. Ride a calesa.

79. Ride a vinta!

80. Share an apartment with Kevin and Manel.

81. Be happy and content.

82. Camp on an island.

83. Go to church every single sunday of an entire year.

84. Learn to surf.

85. Love without fear.

86. Celebrate my birthday in an orphanage.

87. Join volunteer work.

88. Take a Holy Land Pilgrimage.

89. Party in Ibiza, Spain.

90. Get a tattoo.

91. Be part of a musical play.

92. Run for office! HAHA

93. Be able to enjoy my life.

94. Buy really sexy underwear. Victoria Secret sexy! HAHA

95. Read all of Paulo Coelho's books.

96. Have my lasik surgery.

97. Go to a volcano crate.

98. Be in a lifestyle show.

99. Shoplift. I just want to know how it feels.

100. Ski on the Swiss slopes.

Whew...that's alot! :)

Clueless.

For what seemed like the nth time. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKIN' DO WITH MY FUCKIN' LIFE! ARGH! All I know is...

- I need a job. Savings are running low, can't keep spending and not earning.

- I need to go back to the US, because I want to be with him.

- I want to get more experience on my chosen career. But it seems that everytime a good oppurtunity to do it comes, matters of the heart interferes.

- I feel like I am being asked to choose again, between him and my career.

- I feel anxious about how the winter H2B applications are going to be like this time around.

What do I do?! Grrrrr.

Overrated Fears.

Fearless.

I don't know what its like being fearless. Maybe because I always have something to lose. For once, I want to be able to do things I want to do and not fear anything.

I don't want to fear failure.

I don't want to fear losing someone I love dearly.

I don't want to fear not knowing what's in store for me.

I don't want to fear not having anyone to go back to.

I don't want to fear the feeling that to gain something is lose something else.

I don't want to fear falling, helplessly in love with someone because I don't want to get hurt.

Fearless. I want to be fearless.

A Break On Love.

It's been three weeks since I got here, I have sent out numerous resumes to every 5 star hotel in the city, every fine dining restaurant in the metro and still nothing. Arrgggh. So frustrating! And top it all off with friends trying to break my spirits that I'm going back to the US in a few months. Ugh.

What have I done?! Damn! Damn! Damn!

Missing You.

Have you ever heard someone say "I miss you so much, it hurts."? Do you know why they say this? Because it literally happens. It's not just some cheesy smooth-talker line, although I will not guarantee that it has not been used and over used by some people. It really does happen. Do you know how it feels?

It starts off as a feeling of longing to be with that person. Then a sudden wave of tightness or tension engulfs you from your head down to your chest. At times it would start from my nose. And then it sort of washes away. And when you think about that person again, it happens all over again.

It's not a funny feeling. It's like you are holding back the urge to cry. And then when you can't anymore, you just find tears brimming from your eyes.

"There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is caused by the absence of you!"

I miss you...terribly.

Oh, Love!

I am talking to my bestfriend in whole wide world, Antonette. And our topic of the day is *drumroll* LOVE.

Unconditional love, sometimes when I talk to her about love I feel like I haven't really loved anyone. And then I start to think about the things I did for previous relationships? Isn't that not love? The desire I had back then when I was still so blinded by love, to work things out inspite of the things that happened. But she told me that she believes in a way that all the people in our lives (friends and ex-partners) we loved. Boy, I was relieved.

You see, I take those experiences and I consider them like a stepping stone to the big one. If a relationship fails, as hard as it is for me to let go of it initially. When I come to realizations, I always find that the relationship taught me something that will possibly help me when my prince finally finds me! So in away it's learning process to perfecting the art of loving the one God has prepared for you.

Do I make sense? I guess the hard part is retaining the lessons, sometimes we become so overcome by our emotions that we forget to go back to the things we learned. Like what the alchemist said right? About the soul of the world? About the tests, and about how it's not because it is evil, but because it wants you to master the lessons it taught you so you can achieve your personal legend.

:)

Slip Of Tongue.

I called him...Bubu. To clarify things, Bubu is a special endearment for my boyfriend. It doesn't matter to me if I called my ex bubu. I always want to call my present boyfriend bubu. I only called several people bubu. Two of them, because it kinda bothers my present SO, if I called him such.

I guess to me Bubu = Love.

(If you still bother reading this, I am no longer refering to you. If you know what I mean.)

It is not really who I called bubu, it's what it means to me, I guess. Hay. So, inner monologues. You know the drill.

Christmas Wishlist 2008

HA! It's that time of the year. Lemme see. At least, I was able to get/buy some of the things I wanted from the previous years. So to start off...in the order of the odds I'd actually get them. Again.

1. Rey. :P
2. One way ticket to LAX, for tomorrow. HAHA
3. A job, again. HAHA
4. A new visa! HAHA
5. A Mazdaspeed 3 Hatchback.
6. Plane tickets for two to Bora Bora!
7. A Mac Book Pro.
8. An iPhone.
9. AF Nikkor 14mm f/2.8D ED
10. Grand Livre de Cuisine Alain Ducasse's Culinary Encyclopedia and Grand Livre de Cuisine Alain Ducasse's Desserts and Pastries.

I actually already have the books I wanted last time. And I didn't buy a Sony Alpha, instead a Nikon D90 double kit lenses. I didn't realize that I didnt have a wish list for last year! HAHA Oh well. That's it for the year. HAHA I dont have to get them all at once but it doesn't mean I wouldn't be elated if I did! HAHA I'd be happy with 1-4! HAHA Because I need all 2-3 to get 1. HAHA

EX-Hunt.

I never really hated any of my exes. I'm actually friends with some of them, whether it had been a serious one or not. But I really dont get why some exes can't just back off when they need to. It doesn't really bother me that my boyfriend is friends with his exes. I mean I am so I dont see why he can't be.

I've had some bad history with some ex's ex. And I guess I just became wary. But I just want to be assured that everything was clear between them. It was over and done with, and I am with someone else now.

I don't know if this girl, just didn't get. Or hasn't moved on yet. Or in some neurotic parallel universe she is still hoping that after everything that has happened between them, they will get back together or something. Or maybe it wasn't really that crystal clear to her. That he didn't make it like that at all.

Ewan. What a way to remember the first month. Blech.

(I know, just some left over inner monologues.)

Reading Old Entries.

It's just a bad habit. Sort of. I have this thing where I like to read old entries. Much like I used to read old journal volumes. I remember that my last journal, full of things written to or for my ex-boyfriend, used to bring me such bad memories and tears that I gave the notebook to that ex and promised to get it when I'm ready to read it again. When I took it back and read it, I didn't laugh like I expected to, instead I still felt that odd tinge of pain.

I have since stopped writing on notebooks and turned to blogging. So I had been reading my old entries and I was snickering. HAHA It's weird. Life is weird. It has odd suprises at odd times and sometimes you just don't know what to make of it. But I hope that it works out in the end.

They always say that God always makes happy endings, if it's not a happy then it's not yet the end. But you see I am happy right now, very happy. But it's not full circle yet. So I hope that it's not the end yet.

Full Moon.

It's almost here!

I am so excited!

Happiness!

...

I realized something when I woke up this morning that kept me staring at my ceiling for awhile. I realized that even though I've been through some painful things, it's amazing how I still found it in me to love someone again, as much as I love him. Maybe even more than I have ever loved anybody.

This is it for me. I am giving this the best I've got. I can tell, this is my great love. :)

Top Of The World.

Have you ever felt like you hit the jackpot? Well, I feel like I did. Well, fine not really because we are so far apart but just having him in my life feels like I hit the jackpot. I honestly have never been any happier and at peace than this. No fears, no doubts, no hesitations. Just being able to embrace it all, without even asking what it is, not even fighting any feelings.

Is it silly to say that maybe my prince has found me at last? That maybe I made a mistake and finally he's here? :) Again, it depends it's all up to me. And him. But for now, I don't care who he might be or might be not, whether he is my prince or not. What matters is I am the luckiest girl alive to have him in my life!

Bliss

Resurrecting...been awhile. :)
---------------------------
Your touch is electric
I felt it the first time you held me
The way we connected
So easily

I've tried to define it
Searched for the perfect phrase
I've tried to describe it
In a million different ways

(chorus)
It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth, it's destiny
And even love is not enough to tell you how you make me feel
There's only one word for this

I've got to admit it
You took my heart by surprise
Don't know how you did it
But baby, I've never felt so alive

(chorus)
It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth, it's destiny
And even love is not enough to tell you how you make me feel
There's only one word for this
It's bliss

Hey, you know, baby, know what the future holds
As long as you're here with me

(chorus)
It's joy, it's ecstasy, it's truth, it's destiny
And even love is not enough to tell you how you make me feel
It's faith, it's honesty, it's life, it's everything
To say "I love you"'s not enough to tell you how you make me feel

It's in your smile, in your kiss
It's the reason that I exist
There's only one word for this
It's bliss

It's bliss

It's bliss

***Truthfully, gloriously, it is bliss. *sigh*

Like A Freakin Broken Record.

I dont effin' know what the hell I'm doing here!!!

ARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

I am so pissed at the fact that the reason I came home wasn't worth it. When I can be back where I am happy, back with someone I really want to be with right now! Grr.

I know, I said and they (my friends) said that I should just charge it to experience. But it seems everyday I am here is another day of being bitch slapped with the truth that I should have made wiser decisions. I should've listened to my gut. I should've turned my back a long time ago. I should've done a lot of things I didn't do.

F*ck you.

Random Kicks...

Missed sunsets...
bursts of laughter...
tranquil drive...
clasped hands...
fingers entwined...

Smiling eyes...
quiet sighs...
peaceful hearts one...
head on shoulder...

One wish...
one dream...
a reality to face...
with faith...
with hope...
with love...

This Is It...For You.

It's Over
Jesse Mccartney

We've run out of words we've run out of time
We've run out of reasons really why we together
We both know it's over baby bottom line
It's best we don't even talk at all

Don't call me even if I should cross your mind
Hard enough I don't need to hear your voice on my messages
Let's just call it quits it's probably better
So if I'm not returning your calls it's 'cause

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone but baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryn to erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

I still wake up every morning quarter to ten
I still eat my cereal right at the kitchen table
I can't even remember how long it's been
No trouble stayin' occupied

Oh they ask about you whenever I come around
I do what I can not to put my business in the streets
Last thing I need's another episode
Keep conversation short and sweet because

'Cause I'm not comin' back I'm closing the door
I used to be trippin' over missin' you but I'm not anymore
I got the picture phone baby your picture's gone
Couldn't stand to see your smile every time you dialed

'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
'Cause baby it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over

You know that it's over when the burnin'
And the yearnin' inside your heart ain't there anymore
And you know that you're through when she don't do to you
And move you like the way she moved ya before

And you wanna pull her close
But your heart has froze
You kiss her but her eyes don't close
Then she goes out of your heart forever
And it hurts you but you know that it's better

Girl you know it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over
'Cause it's over
Girl you know it's over this time
So when you call I'm pressin' seven
Don't wanna hear your messages messages
I'm tryna erase you from my mind
'Cause it's over
I swear girl it's over this time
So don't keep callin' leavin' messages
Don't wanna know where you been
Baby 'cause it's over
-----------
Consequences of actions and words that weren't thought through. I loved you, with all my heart, with all I had, with all I am. But a heart can only take so much. And when a person continually neglects and hurts you there just comes to a point that you need to learn to love yourself all over again. Save yourself from more pain and heartbreak. This is when you just learn to let go, even with the greatest loves, if it is not treated fairly and justly, it wastes away.

Day One.

Chronicling day one of being miles away from my love. I started to cry the minute the plane started to back out of the concourse and out to the runway. Soon after the tears started falling, I fell asleep. I woke up and the captain was announcing lunch. I waited for my food and after eating I stared out my cabin window into the pitch black skies and started to cry again. I started to wonder why and what I was doing on that plane. I didn't have to go home. But everything had been too late for me to do anything about it. Stupid decisions had been made.

I fell asleep, and when I woke up we were approaching Guam and will be served breakfast. After refueling, we headed on to Manila. The final destination, and I started to fall into depression. I was able to sleep again and when I stirred we were 45 minutes from Manila. It's real. I am about to go back to my family, but I felt so out of place. I am not home. Home is not where he is not.

On our initial approach, I started to cry. I started to wish that I wasn't on that plane. I wish I could go back. Where I'd be home again. Argh. When we finally stopped at the gate people started clapping and I can only shake my head, and lower my head in sadness.

This is just day one...what will days 2 - 364 look like?

A World Of Psychos.

What does a girl have to do to get out of your mess man? I have your stupid girlfriends hounding me, nitpicking at my stuff, will you tell them that they can have you. I had been keeping to myself for the longest time. They revealed themselves to me. I did not want them to. Tell 'em to just fuck off.

PS. I Love You (AGAIN.)

I'm watching the movie again. This is officially one of my favorite movies! :) Gerard Butler is so HOT! HAHA.

No silly, just watch or read the book! :) You'll see. If you're not a hopeless romantic then it's futile.

Goodbyes.

I do this alot. Sometimes it's oppurtunity, sometimes it's circumstance, and sometimes I'm just running away. The thing is I HATE saying goodbye. So here I am. Fulfilling a promise I shouldn't have made. That is now in vain. Leaving my dreams behind and leaving my love behind.

It's funny, it feels alot like when I left last time. Cramming to spend time with family, friends and someone dear. Missing everything and everyone already. Trying to figure out how to come back, how not to lose what was started and what I hope to keep, and how not to hurt myself all over again.

Thing is, I dont want to say goodbye anymore. I want to stay.

Listening to...

Better In Time
by Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remaind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: X2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Pinoy Movies.

I am watching the Anne Curtis and Aga Mulach movie. It's funny...there are scenes that reminds me of somethings. Galing.

Oh well. :)

A Week.

I only have a week left here. A week to bask in magic and love. It's not much but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm just giving myself a couple more days to disclose some things that take time to discuss. And then that's it. I won't have to think about it anymore or mention it, unless asked.

I wish I didn't have to go. Sometimes, I feel stupid for making the decision to go home. I've always known what I wanted before. I don't know why I compromised my dreams like this. Argh. But things happen for a reason. (Crap, I dont know what's the reason behind this!)

But I guess I don't really need a reason, what's important was that it happened. And I'm meant to be here. I will understand soon enough, when everything comes to full circle. Moon is waning. :)

Magic Moments '08

Yihee. HAHA

One more time, and this time...I hope it's real. I haven't been this happy for a long time. I have actually forgotten it was possible. And I will continue to be thankful to God for showing me that there is more in store for me. That I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I really deserved.

Indifference.

The past few days have been really fun for me. I have actually forgotten about something or someone. I forgot I had to deal with it. But the thing is I stopped feeling already. I don't know how it happened but I did. I don't blame myself for it nor the other person. I know that God helped me come through, I prayed so hard to Him every night to protect me. And He did.

I guess the waiting changed me. It didn't make me more patient but it taught me to stop looking back and look forward. To accept it finally, heart and mind in sync. Closing cycles, its time to move with the wind and see where it blows.

Im just looking forward to better things. It's MY time. :D

Chicken Joy.

I dont really eat Chicken Joy alot, but since coming here to the US, I've had cravings. Especially when I am here in Los Angeles. So last night, what we did was get chicken joy to-go and then went up to Angeles Crest again. With a camera and tripod in tow. You know what I found out when I took out the tripod? The camera attachment was not there! Agggh! We were laughing at the predicament. I was laughing at myself for not even checking.

Randomly drove to Downtown Disney. I hope the real deal na one of these days. And just hung out at Starbucks while waiting for mom to come home from picking dad up at JPL. It was a chill night. It was fun. :)

Never Had So Much Fun.

For the first time I am having alot of fun here in LA. No offense to my aunt, but her idea of fun is going to the mall and shopping. And fun for her because she can afford just about anything. HAHA But I met some friends here who's showing me some fun! :D

Let's see, first there was a 80's-90's bar. And I ended up missing my bestfriend, she would've enjoyed that. Plus those fierce Kamikazes. Second was a rave party in Compton, which freaked my aunt out. Which eventually ended up in Hollywood too because it sucked. HAHA And then some late night chinese food. Third, Angeles Crest. Over looking the Los Angeles and Valley lights. That you could say for me was heaven. I just love places like that. Kulang nalang ng tequilla! HAHA But oh well, I dont have plans of getting shitfaced anymore.

Last two weeks. Have plenty to do. :)

True love does not grow with the number of lovers. It wastes away.

- Francesca Bruni, Casanova

Reminds me of something or someone.

Good Times.

Uh-oh. I'm in party mode. I am still hung over from last night and I have plans with friends to go out tonight too. Should be fun. Haven't done this in a while. But still it doesn't change things.

Things To Look Forward To.

Even if things had been hard for me the past weeks, I must say that I am looking forward to coming home in some way. I am not overly excited as I was before, but I want to see him again. I want to talk about us. I want to know what we are going to do.

I am also looking forward to a possible job in a hotel. I am looking forward to seeing my friends too. I've also missed them. I guess right now for me it's just to look forward. I've already surrendered it. I just have to move with it.

But there is really this big void in my heart right now, and it's hoping that things will be better for me. And hoping that our love has another chance.

Confessions Of A Broken Heart

This is not an attempt to turn the tide. This is me letting go (well, trying) and just letting it all out. I'm letting all the pains of my heart out in attempt to free myself from all the bottled up emotions. I want to tell my story. Then accept it happened. So, then after which I will forget it. And, hopefully...move on.

Like all little girls, I believed in fairy tales. One day I will meet my prince and he will sweep me off my feet. And once I got over my being Brian Litrell's wife fantasy, I started to wonder where my prince was. I had several mini-relationships and then I met my first love. We were together for a more than year. And then, we broke up. He met someone. I became bitter. I really thought that he was the one. I know it seemed to be ridiculous to hit the jackpot that soon. But you know, you are given feelings of being "the one". But I was wrong. I wanted to work things out with him. I begged him for another shot at us. But he said that he didn't feel the same way. And though it was a long, hard journey, in time I moved on.

With the help of school, work and friends I was able to forget about the pain he caused and just focus on the better things in my life. Little by little I thought less and less of him. I started to enjoy being single again. I started to enjoy my friend's company. I started to enjoy being alone. But still, I longed for my prince. I would think about him and me, holding hands and walking. I would dream about looking into his eyes. But I didn't know who he was.

I started to write him letters. Just things that say how I feel about him. And I was happy. Some of my friends thought it was ridiculous, but for me I knew in my heart that he will come to me one day. And I will love him like no other. And I knew he will do the same for me too. Soon after, I met someone. I knew he wasn't going to be good for me. I knew he was going to break my heart at one point. But I was blown away by the feelings that I believe God has given me. It was like magic. And I fell in love with him. I wanted him to be my prince.

And you know what the great thing was? He told me he wanted to be my prince too. He said he would end my fairy tale and make it real. And so I made the choice to let myself fall in love with him further. It was simple for me, I wanted him to be "the one."

We were together for 6 months and then I left. I followed my dream of working abroad. He let me go. I offered a practical solution. I asked him if he wanted us to break up and then maybe when I get home we can see if the feelings are the same and pick it up where we left off. He said that he wanted us to stay together. And with a happy heart I agreed. He assured me that he will be faithful. He said that he wont forget about our love and will not enter into another relationship while I was away. I hoped for the best as I always did. Before I left, we eloped. We had a small ceremony with two friends and a priest. It wasn't legally binding, but to me, the marriage is real.

I had my fears. I didn't want to lose him. But I knew that love can wait. I knew that once I've fulfilled my personal dreams, I can move on to fulfilling the dreams we have started to dream together. But I guess love wasn't enough. When you are lonely, how do you fight it? He strayed. He denied it to me whenever I brought it up. I felt it. I felt that something was wrong. I would have bad painful spasms in my heart at random times, and I knew then that there was something going on. But I didn't want to create so much tension between us so I tried to ignore it as much as I could. I pushed it back and tried to forget the thoughts. But still there is a lingering pain in my heart.

Several times, I am shown the truth and still, I ignored it. The hardest to ignore was the girl who told me about a past I never knew. A past he tried so hard to hide. He didn't think I can accept him for it. And it hurt, that he thought of me like that. I forgave him for it when he apologized. He said that he will not lie anymore. And that he loved me with all of his heart. All this time, he had been telling me that he had been faithful, that he didn't want to lose me. And there are moments where I would be so angry at him because of the things that had happened, I don't want to elaborate that much anymore. I keep asking myself if he really meant what he told me because I didn't feel that he did. But I continued to hope.

I made a mistake too. In my anger, and to make things even, I let go of myself. I did something I knew he had already done. Even when he denied it. And so I became no better than him. And now, the truth has come out. Every single disgusting truth, I don't know if there are any other truths out there. If so, I wish they'd reveal themselves now. But the questions are the same."If he was already with another girl? Then why did he tell me he wanted to work things out?" "Why would he say he loved me still?" "Why would he still call me his wife?" "Why me?" "What about the things he told me before I left, were they real?" "How do I know if this time it's the real deal?" "Does he really still love me as he did before?" "Or could it be because I had done so much for him, he was just ashamed to admit that he didn't anymore?" "Was it really just because he was lonely?" "Did he feel any real emotion for the other girl?" "Shouldn't he say that he cannot be with her because he loved me, and not because she's married?"

He said that the girl knew about me all along, but she liked him a lot. He said she was married and her husband loved her. She is married but the husband does not care about her, someone very close to her told me. And when I told him that it hurt that he loves her, he said that his love for her was just passing loneliness. It seemed like he was telling me that he didn't really love her at all. But she also said things that contradicted this. And I don't know what to believe sometimes.

I knew in my heart that I loved him. I did the things I did out of spite and anger. I knew it was wrong and I destroyed my own self in the process. I realized that I lost him a long time ago. I had been angry again. I was angry at him for trying to turn the tables on me, when all along he was the one who had been lying and cheating on me. It was an emotional shift from sad, to angry, and finally, I was just numb.

I have surrendered it to God. I asked Him to take it in His hands. And right at this moment I am acting on the feelings He is giving me. I rely on Him and His Holy Spirit to guide me and protect my heart from another blow. I asked Him to give me the strength to accept things as they come.

But you know what amazes me? When he asked me if we could try to work things out again, I said yes. We owned up to our mistakes and forgave. Though I am still trying to forget, I knew in my heart that my love for him will be enough to heal the wounds. My wounds. And I knew with time the pain will pass. I wanted my marriage. I wanted him. And if he kept his promise of being true not only to me but to himself, trust will be regained. I want to believe that people change if they really wanted to. I want to believe that he can change if he wanted to. I want to believe that love can heal even the most scarred hearts.

The hard part is not knowing what the future holds. Not knowing what is happening. There are times when my heart is griped by fear and uncertainty that this will work. There are times that I just want to know if it can work, because I didn't want to get hurt again. I've been hurt enough.

The hardest part is waiting. Waiting for the tides to change. Waiting for him to make a move, to make me see that we are going to make it. Waiting for him to send me a message everyday. I want him to let me know how badly he really wanted this. And that he'll do whatever it takes to turn things around. I do not mean to act like dead weight, but once he makes the move I will make mine. I will back him up and work with him to make everything right for us. I want to take his lead. After all he is the man of this house. He is the husband. I've already done my best for the longest time. And now it's his turn.

Sometimes, when I read other people's love stories I get envious. And I wish my love story will be the same. That love conquers all. I wish one day, I would tell my kids how hard it had been for us. And how we made it. And even if I wish I can protect my kids from the same kind of pain I felt. I know that knowing that every story has a happy ending will bring them comfort.

Working It Out..

We're trying. My friends and family don't particularly agree with me on this, but I still wanna try. I am sad about this. I keep thinking, what can happen for these people who mean alot to me to see, that maybe I deserve this chance. To be happy.

I do not know what other truths are out there. I am just asking God, to protect me. No matter what, not to forsake me, even if it seems that I am forsaking myself.

I Wanna Be Your Everything.

By Keith Urban

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
What I had never felt with anyone else
I wanna give back what you've given to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more than just your man

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And Be the hand that lifts your veil
And Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

When you wake up I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out to me
I'll cherish your words
And I'd finish your thoughts
And I’ll be your compass baby when you get lost

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
Be the moon that moves your tides
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheel that never rusts
Be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything

I'll be the wheel that never rusts
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything
I wanna be your everything

-----
Stealing songs from other people's laptops. The lyrics to this song, struck me. HARD.

The Sad Word...Goodbye.

It's that time of the year. When peak season is up and I have to get up and leave. I made some really cool friends here in Cape Cod. Im really going to miss them.

I actually already miss the summer kids. Hargh.

That's What She Said.

Backstreet Boys

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

there are people who say what you wanna hear
even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear
when you really really love someone am i right
when i say that you want them near
and if you care you even tell them things
that they wanna hear

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
the simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said she said yeah

there are people
who say what they really mean
she said she'd always be there
she said she'd always care
but jsut when you think that you can trust that someone you love
tell me why do you know how stars can fall from above

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies that she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh ohho yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be togethter
thats what she said she said

cause you made promises that you couldn't keep (ooo)
but you're not hurting yourself
you're only hurting me
why would you say things that you really didn't mean
oh how can i make you see just what you did to me

ooh you said how much you really care
just when i thought i was in love
girl how could you care
if i were you i could not lie even once to the face of the one
that i love so much

always forever
one thing she said
never say never
those simple lies she said
i will never leave you
all the love i thought she had.
but can you blame me no
mm
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we're see forever
thats what she said
ooh ooh yeah
thats what she said
she told me we'd be together.
oh thats what she said.

----

I was walking to work in the rain, puffing a cigarette. And I remembered this song. And I remembered him. I thought I was going to cry. But I was just numb inside.

False Hopes.

I am one of the fools that don't really believe in destiny. I used to believe in fairy tales. In happy endings. Each time a friend tells me that "If you're meant to be with him, love will find a way." I make a face. I gave a retort. Because I don't know it just builds anxeity for me. Because I wouldn't know when will love find a way. If it will. If it is strong enough to do that. Or when things just become so bad, like it did for us, when we do meet again, how do you start to trust each other again with each other's hearts?

I never really had answers to those questions. And so I tend to think being meant to be means working things out as you go along. If you are meant to be together, then you will surpass it all.

Have you ever read The Notebook? Or perhaps seen the movie? Swans they say mate for life. In some weird way, I hope to see you in the next life when we are both swans.

A New Light.

For the longest time I've never really been friends with my mom. I saw her as someone who liked manipulating me to do things to her biding. I'm going through one of the hardest things I have to go through in my life. And even if I could talk to my friends I couldn't find the comfort I was looking for. And as ashamed as I am to confess to my mom the truth, I wanted to try.

So I called her and told her everything that has happened. Everything. I told her how all this madness started, the annulment, the pictures, the news that a friend of mine told me, the girl who emailed me and most importantly I told her what I did.

Of course she was shocked. I expected her to tell me that "Well, maybe you are not meant to be with him." She didn't, instead she told me that there is nothing I could do about it. But to wait. We'll wait and see how it goes when I go home, if we have that talk. And she told me to be careful and not to put myself in situations like that anymore. I deserved better than to be used like that. And when she said this I knew she wasn't talking about Francis.

For the first time in my life, I appreciated my mom for being who she is. And hopefully, I can start being a better child to her and my dad. I know that they also deserve to see me at my best.

Im Yours.

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap you thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours
----------

Maybe, a song for our future...

Breaking Up, Breaking Down.

I haven't slept at all tonight. Maybe a good hour. I was so disoriented. My heart was just racing and no matter what I did to calm myself, I just wasnt doing what I am supposed to do. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. This is going to be one long month.

I lost someone I love dearly last night. After almost a year of trying to stay together, another one bites the dust. I couldn't cry. I was rubbing my eyes last night to spill the tears out but I couldn't cry. I felt numb. Every hour I would check my phone and hope that he'd say it was a joke. At one point I woke up and thought that I was just dreaming. But I checked my phone and I wasn't.

Im shaking right now. Still reeling. But I still couldn't cry. You see, when I said that "I'm leaving it up to God's will." I was hoping it meant, we will weather the odds together. Oh well. I cannot help but feel that this is his way of getting away from the guilt. Like he is sitting back home, with his new gf. I gave him the perfect excuse.

Thing is, I thought he said that he can forgive me no matter what. I did the same for him. I thought we loved each other so much that we can see past through the ugly and still see a beautiful person. I loved him like that. I loved him through the pain he caused me. I forgave him for all his shortcomings. But I guess for some people, love is not enough to cover an offense, although the bible said it should.

I had been ready to give us another chance. The other night, I had a long talk with God, and asked him to take care of me. I surrendered all my fears to him, all the anxeity I felt, and left everything up to him. And everything started out good. In the morning we were talking again, like we normally did. Until I went home, and checked my stuff, everything went downhill from there. When everything seemed alright, that's always when it bites me back in the ass.

But maybe he's right, I have no clue what love is all about. Afterall I am nothing but a spoiled brat.

Re-learning The Alchemist.

"...before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved towards the dream. That's the point at which most people give up. Its the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."

- The alchemist, The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Well, isn't that so true. I'm almost there, I'm almost home but then I feel him becoming more and more distant. And I feel within me the resignation. The exasperation, of just seeing how things are going awry. I hope I get through it. I hope WE get through it.

"It is said that the darkest hour of the night came just before dawn."

- The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Just the Way You Are

Billy Joel

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
-------

My fave song off the restaurant playlist. I wish I can be loved this way. No need to force me to change or anything, just letting me become my own. Just opening a heart, enough for me to know what it holds. And eventually be part of. No pushing away, no ugly words, no conflicting actions.

I love him like that...

Summer is over.

It's 11 degrees celsius. Summer is over. I know because Richard also left. It's strange I'm sad he's gone. It's the universal truth.

"People always leave."

What's stranger is I miss him. Like I have become attached to him in some way that something is missing. Anyway, it's inevitable. We all knew we wont be seeing each other forever. It's just sad sometimes.

Shooting Star.

I was in the bar talking to some girls about dating and relationships. M, stressed out to me so many times how, it's good to meet or date alot of people. And she told me her relationship stories. It was fun hearing them. And I know somehow she is right. We all could use the experience.

But why is it when I looked up at the sky and found that shooting star, my wish never changed? Its still the same wish, prayer and hope. Him and Me, always, forever.

Finding My Way Back...

"One of the worst feelings in the world is having to doubt something that you thought was unquestionable."

A friend of mine sent me this quote way, way back. We were going through what seemed like the biggest heartbreak of our lives. I used to go to her house and we would smoke two packs of cigs and drink two cans of beer each. And ramble on and on about our lack of a decent man in our lives. Maybe she could relate to the message and she wanted to share it to me. And I could relate to it as well, because I had been there. Loving someone with abandon, believing that it's never going to end, and then it does. And you sit there, trying to understand what had happened, what led to that, what you did wrong, and what you could've done to prevent it. It would go on for a couple of months sometimes it would take more. And then you realize you wasted so much of your time analyzing when there is no way to bring that person back into your life. He chose that path, and you can wait forever for him to choose to go back.

A year ago, I left behind someone who meant alot to me. Sure, I may not have known him all my life, but I loved him like no other. I gave him all that I had. All that I can. And all that I can't. In my previous blogs, I said that I when I left I was full of faith that it was going to work out. I gave him options that seemed more feasible. More practical, and he said that we should stay together, and deep inside me that's what I really wanted.

Being with him was just different. I felt a different kind of peace in his presence, it's like everything is still, calm and nothing can harm me. I have gone through the hardest things the past few months, in our relationship. The things that happened, I have forgiven. The forgetting part is the hardest. I guess, no one ever really forgets, because no one is meant to. Thats why we are given memories to keep. That's why people who get diagnosed with Alzheimer's get sad about losing their memories, because no matter how painful it had been, the good times were all worth the pain.

But then, these things that I cannot forget, it sometimes get to me. Its gets me so bad I start to jeopardize what Francis and I have. If he wasn't this patient and (as I would like to think) if he didn't love me so much, he would've walked away by now already. Honestly, I dont know if I will find my way back, or if I will get lost again as I have many times.

But I do know, that I love him. And maybe thats enough for me to hang on too. That my own feelings haven't gone. That I still love him despite of it all.

I'm way down under.

Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot.

Toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot.

If I Fell.

if I fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
and I found that love was more
than just holding hands

if I give my heart to you
I must be sure
from the very start
that you would love me more than her

if I trust in you oh please
don't run and hide
if I love you too oh please
don't hurt my pride like her

'cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry
when she learns we are two

'cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry
when she learns we are two

if I fell in love with you

The Mystery Of The Depleted Checking Account.

I looked at my year to date earnings and I was shocked! Where did all that money go?! My eyes flew to my laptop. That was all I can really show for it. And to my horror I opened every single checking account, transaction book, and credit card statement I have. And there you have it. All of summer's earnings all in paper and not in the bank. All spent. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

If my boyfriend ever knew how much I spend on things like...3 laptop bags, why? Don't ask me?! He will strangle me. Well, maybe not. He never asks where my money goes, he's just not the type. Although he asked me to save. He knows how extravagant I can be. And I get anxiety on the thought that I am going home without anything to my name...except mountains of debts. Well...it's my own freakin fault. WAH! That last month in Arizona really did me in!

Diagnosis.

SHOP-A-HOLIC

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I almost maxed out my credit card again!

...

I recently joined a match site. A US based one since I'm here. I don't know why I did. I used to feel bad about Francis still on that matching site. I still feel bad about it. I don't know why I suddenly thought about joining. I know I'm not looking but...

What the hell. :(

Dont Think I'm Not

Remember this song?! HEHE

By Kandi

I don't have to question
Where you were last night
Cause I already know what you will say
I already know you'll lie

But I can't be mad at ya
Cause there's something that you don't know
That when your gone I do my own thing
Can I catch a bone? Why you dogging me?

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When I try to get your attention
You ignore me everytime
You were so caught up doing your dirt
That you didn't notice mine

Well I couldn't put up with your scheming
And I couldn't put up with your lies
They say two wrongs won't make it right
But we still didn't need this fight

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

Don't be surprised to know that sometimes women play the game
You may not believe it, but it's real
The game is so real, so real, so real
Oh, don't think we won't do it
When your out in the club....

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

When your out in the club, don't think I'm not
Even when your out making love, don't think I'm not
When your feeling good in somebody's spot, getting hot, don't stop
Just don't think I'm not, cause I'm out getting mine

Ying Yang.

My boyfriend has a habit of getting mad at me when I become negative. Don't get me wrong, I always try to be positive about things, and I have always been good at it. Wasn't it me who smiled through a horrible break up with a lying ex boyfriend? Wasn't it me who laughed my heart out even when things seemed bad? See? Positive.

Thing is, I wonder how positive he is. I mean, he always saw what was wrong with me? Does he ever see the good things I do? Does he even recognize them? Because as far as I can remember he always pointed out whats wrong with me. He never tells me why he fell in love with me? Why he still loves me. He doesn't. But he always tells me why he wonders why he even bother. You know what I mean?

Who's negative now?

Weird.

I have internet problems...but I can blog! I can access my google accounts but other websites I cant. This sucks!

Random

Sometimes, I wonder how life will turn out for me. I can't wait to see how great my future will be, but at the same time there is fear in me that's scared to find out that it is nothing like how I imagined it will be.

I am amazed at myself sometimes.

You know that feeling after having argued with someone, you are so mad or sad that you turn them away. But all you really want them to do is to stay. I'm like that. Sometimes, I would want him to take my hand or kiss the tears away. Or in our case, say something that will make everything right again, but sometimes he's too hard to break. So he doesn't but I wait. It doesn't erase the fact that I love him. So I just keep waiting.

I saw Lie With Me. Didnt really understand most of it. It was bordering soft porn. It was interesting though but kinda messed up.

Im trying to run away from someone who has been following me around like a sick puppy. Oh no, puppies are cute. Like a bad case of skin fungi then.

I dont like my schedule for this week.

Turks and Caicos...so near yet so far.